I am at an age now where its expected to have children or be in the process. Many of my friends and family have crossed that bridge already , but here I stand terrified to to even think of it.

I don't really think of myself as a good person and I don't like the way I was raised or some of the things I've done, for the most part. A lot of my adulthood has been about peeling away behaviors and ideas that I learned growing up. Behaviors and ideas that I just don't believe anymore or have found to be harmful. It has been a difficult process. One that I would neer wish on anybody. What I am scared of the most is inadvertently inflicting any of this on a child of my own. Or worse, creating some new kind of fucked up while trying to avoid the old kind of fucked up.

I really didn't expect to be looking into a mirror while playing this videogame.

God of War (2018) is a marvelous experience. That is all you really need to know. If you are interested in videogames as a medium at all, this is a must play title. And while it is excellent in many ways, what I needed to talk about is the writing. Often times, videogames aren't really known for their writing. Some of the best games don't even have any writing all! But God of War pulls off a real magic trick with characterization. (Spoilers.)

They made Kratos, the testosterone rage machine, into a human being.

Kratos is a god. He does not like himself or what he has done. He finds a woman that will put up with it and they have a child. Kratos loves his son. He loves him. He loves Atreus from the start of the game. But he also hates him. He hates him because a part of himself is in there and he cannot resolve these two things. He hides all of it away, the love and the hate, until he has nothing to give at all, in some vain way to save his son from himself.

Atreus doesn't any of know this, but he feels it. And it fucks him up. Kratos inflicts the pain he was trying to avoid. It happened anyway. The only way he can fix it is to return to his past, and embrace all that he was. Good and bad. Its the firsts step towards a real relationship with this son. I think even Kratos is surprised he is able to do that. (And all this is reflected with actual new gameplay elements and new actions to progress the story. Amazing design.)

I'm not sure where on this path I'm at right now. Maybe my path doesn't go this way all. But its nice to know somebody else was also thinking about it. And put their thoughts to text. And made that text into a video game. I think it is a masterpiece.

The year is 2000 something. I’m 11 and really want to play Halo: Combat Evolved. It only costs $20 for the boxed version at the supermarket and as luck would have it I had acquired the capital needed from a recent birthday. There is only one problem. Halo: Combat Evolved, developed by Bungie and released 2001 for the personal computer, is rated “M” for mature audiences only. As major a set back as I had ever seen, but I was undeterred for I had a plan.

I decided the only way to get the game out of the supermarket, into the car, into the house, and finally onto the computer was to buy it as a Christmas gift. For my father. Such was my genius as a child. And you know what? It worked. Purchased. Wrapped. Placed with care under the tree labeled “For Dad”. Opened and installed on Christmas morning. Gunfire and aliens the rest of the day and many many days after. And not long after that, here I am writing about one of the my favorite games ever.

Halo: Combat Evolved is an incredible experience, even to this day. The narrative pacing is quick and lean. Here’s a gun now go kill some aliens. The Chief controls tightly and precisely and to a violent rhythm. The world is close and in your face, until its wide and daunting to cross. The genre bending is sudden and shocking with moments ripped straight out of a James Cameron or Ridley Scott film. The shifting slate of enemies and allies keeps the narrative on its toes and the evolving scale of the conflict begs you to just play one more level before bed. If the campaign didn’t keep you up at night, the online death matches would. All this while delivering a musical score that will stay with you.

I think one of the greatest aspects of Halo: Combat Evolved is the confidence of its opening. The game starts on the Pillar of Autumn but you quickly get the sense that the story started a long time before that. Characters name places that we have no reference to, they use lingo that we probably don’t know and they are being attacked by something that we haven’t seen. All while we, the Masterchief, are asleep. The opening cutscene splashes a bit of color on the world and then says “get going”. No messing around. Lean and down to business.

That confidence is felt through the entire experience. The designers know what type of game they are making, they know the type of experience they are building, they know the genre’s heritage, and they know how to flex it. Stepping foot onto Halo for the first time leaves an impression, discovering the horrors of the great ring terrifies, and making your escape exhilarates, all with unmistakable confidence

Halo: Combat Evolved is and will always be one of my favorite and most important games, but when I think about the game now, the first thing to come to mind isn’t anything described above. To now tell of my genius plan to buy the game as a gift for my dad, but secretly so I could play it, brings a laugh. Everybody knew what I was doing. The cashier who rung up the game for me knew. My mom knew watching me purchase and wrap it. And my dad knew when he opened it, but none of that really mattered because it was really just a way for dad and I to hang out. I watched the entire campaign over his shoulder, asking questions about the story and pointing out helpful things for him to try. I’m sure it was very annoying. (Sometimes I’d get up on Saturday morning to find he had already started without me. The nerve.) But, to this day, I think Halo is the only game he has ever finished. Its the only game he still plays on occasion too. Eventually, dad finished his time with the game and it was my turn to sink hundreds of hours into it like only a kid can, but I don’t remember as much of my time playing alone as I did playing it with dad.

Halo is a great game, to me, because it made great memories.

The true magic sauce binding the God of War II experience together is its pacing. The magic trick is pairing of the loud, brutish and outrageous maximalism with soft and still quiet time.

Your first boss fight starts almost immediately. Its a long, multi stage, multi arena affair featuring gratuitous violence, a towering colossus and combos on combos on combos. Kratos is betrayed and then double crossed by two different gods, shoots himself out of a catapult to stab a giant, kills a few hundred soldiers with flair, and then dies taking a god powered sword to the gut by Zeus himself. This is the opening hour. The game is energy all the time, every which way. But the most striking part of the design isn’t any of that bombast, but instead just how seriously God of War II takes its quiet time and how it weaves those moments into a larger sequence.

For small sections, here and there, the noise and energy of the game’s world will abate. Sometimes to near silence. The enemies stop spawning, the music subsides and a chest usually waits to replenish your health while, more often than not, a puzzle blocks your way forward. The puzzles range from the simple get-the-box-over-there variety to the “What the hell am I missing?” head scratchers. Its a drastic change of pace these quick breaths of safety sprinkled into each sequence and a way to reset the tension to start building it again in a new way.

My favorite aspect of these quiet times is just how sudden they can appear. The very first quiet moment Kratos enjoys only comes immediately after being hurled across the city and breaking through several stone floors to the bottom of some poor Athenian tower. And likewise, rest times can end just as abrupt leading directly into a boss you will fight at least a dozen times, or an intense platforming session. Or it might just be an ambush. Eventually the puzzles may start trying to kill you back. Nevertheless, a true respite always seems to come at the right time. The designers knew when to give the player some relief and when to push a little more. Its these small, quiet times scattered in just the right places that keep the pacing tight and fast without getting exhausting. Its that pacing that, in my opinion, makes the whole thing work.

God of War II is fast. Sequences are dense and constantly trying to outdo themselves . Kratos does not speak. He yells. And the game yells back, but no matter the pressure, you’ll find that next quiet spot right where it should be, take a deep breath and then power through.