Bendy: Secrets of the Machine isn't as much of a game as it is an interactive experience. This game serves as both set up for future storylines and also a place where announcements are made, as it's this game that revealed to us Bendy: The Silent City and Bendy 3, also giving us a teaser for the next Bendy game, Bendy: The Cage.

I think a lot of people went into this game expecting a full length, proper Bendy game completely for free and that's just not what this game is meant to be at all.

I think this experience was a wonderful idea and brought so many fans together to figure out all the mysteries and see if we can find everything there is to experience within this inky realm.

Unfortunately I never quite made it through my original playthrough of this game, and my GameBoy Cart battery has since died, meaning my save is gone forever. I still plan on beating the remake one day, but for now I'll log my thoughts on the original from what I played.

The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening is beyond incredible.
It contains a world so full of life and personality, and somehow it manages to squeeze it all into a teeny GameBoy screen. The graphics, music and story have aged wonderfully, and will instantly charm you in a matter of seconds. It's honestly very easy to forget your playing on such a terrible screen half the time. Not only does this game have arguably one of the best stories on the entire GameBoy library, but also the Legend of Zelda series as a whole. It makes the cast's of games such as Botw look extremely bland in comparison. My only real issue with the game is that there are a few too many puzzles that you could never logically solve without a guide, but that is also true for the majority of older Zelda games. In my opinion this is without question the best 2D Zelda, and an absolute must play GameBoy title.

This was actually the last mainline DKC game I played. My first was returns, as I said in my DKC1 review. I played 1 and 3 shortly after that and I played Tropical Freeze the day it released. I didn't play 2 until years later in 2018 where an Instagram account I was following was selling a CIB copy for $35. That sounded like a good deal back then, and considering it's almost $90 now it's even better now, so I bought it off them. I really enjoyed my time with it, but it wasn't until replaying it in 2022, where I truly saw it as a masterpiece. Do I still think that now? Look at my score to find out (that means yes).

Let's start with the gameplay changes. The thing you'll notice when you first start the game is you don't play as Donkey Kong anymore. You still play as Diddy Kong but replacing Donkey is newcomer Dixie Kong. The main plot this time is King K Rool is back, he has kidnapped Donkey Kong and you must team-up as Diddy and Dixie to defeat him and save DK. Pretty simple but it works. Anyways, Diddy plays pretty much the same but Dixie is a bit different. Her main gameplay change is the fact that she can glide by using her hair. This is incredibly helpful with certain segments throughout the game and because of this plus being more fun to control, I definitely prefer this duo over the first game's. I still think Diddy feels better to play as since he's still faster here and has a better roll (Dixie's roll sucks if you're trying to roll jump off a cliff) so he was my go to Kong when I had both but Dixie is still very fun to play as here due to her glide. This game did add another new big mechanic that plays a part in a bunch of levels. By pressing the A button, if you have both Kongs, you can perform a Team Up. This basically lets you throw the kong upwards in whatever direction you want, and it lets you get up to high places you normally couldn't get to or collect items up high. It's nice and quick to pull off and just adds that much more depth to the levels.

The levels themselves are better than ever here. The level design is improved, with each level feeling pretty distinct from each other. One moment you'll be riding air balloons over a pit of lava and the next you'll be racing enemies in a haunted amusement park. Levels have gimmicks but they never feel intrusive or annoying to me. The level themes are also way more interesting this time. The mains setting here is pirates and that first world makes great use of it. You had levels where you run on top of a ship, levels where you are swimming inside the ship itself and then levels where you're climbing up the top of a pirate ship. That's all the first world, and even tho it's all pirate themed, they all feel distinct. Besides that, you have typical lava stages tho they're visually appealing in this game, you have these beehive stages where honey stops you dead in your tracks, you have bayou stages..just all the level themes in this game are so much more unique compared to the 1st game. Honestly, the backgrounds used in these levels are better than the 1st game's as well, they made them really clean looking this time around.

As for the collectables, you still collect bananas..and KONG letters. Animal Friend tokens are gone which is nice because they could kinda be annoying at times. Instead of finding a bunch of random bonus rooms to 100% the game, this time you must collect Kremkoins and DK coins. Kremkoins are all found in bonus barrels, or sometimes secret walls. These both lead to the bonus area, which instead of being all lax and random like in DKC1, you have to play a bonus game whether it's collecting all the stars or defeating every enemy or just getting to the coin itself. This is more unified than how it was in DKC1 and I prefer it this way. The DK coins are always only in levels once, and they're usually just in the stages and not in the bonus rooms. Anyways, collecting every Kremcoin and every DK coin, and completing every level, gets you 102% in this game. I much prefer this over the bonus rooms in DKC1. They are much easier to find without a guide, tho I still had to look up some but that's better than almost all of them like in DKC1, and it's better for it.

Animal buddies are back and you have some returning ones plus some new ones. Winky and Expresso are gone but Rambi, Enguarde and Squawks are back. Rambi and Enguarde are exactly the same except they have a charge move you can perform to go super fast and kill any enemies in your path or to open up secret bonus rooms. You can now ride with Squawks and shoot nuts out of his mouth at enemies, so he's changed drastically. There's a new animal buddy called Quawks who is only used in one level and is purple, cannot fly upwards (only glide down) and cannot shoot nuts. He's not worth getting into since it's just a downgrade of Squawks, but the other two animal buddies are. Rattly the rattlesnake, is basically Winky but better. He can jump high, jump on normally dangerous enemies like Winky but you can also charge him up to perform a super jump. The other new animal buddy, Squitter the Spider is awesome and is my favorite buddy in the series. You cannot jump on enemies as him but you can shoot projectile webs out of his mouth and if you press the A button, you can shoot a different type of web and if you press A again..you can create a web platform to jump on. They use this a good amount in some of the stages and this mechanic just makes him super fun and interesting to use. Along with all this, there are also these animal buddy barrels that let you transform into just the animal buddy.

The bosses in this game are also a big improvement from 1. Gone are very easy bosses that feel like a big version of a normal enemy. Every boss in this game feels distinct (besides the zinger fight tho his fight was pretty fun) and aren't piss easy and also aren't super quick. They feel like actual bosses, with the K Rool fight being a standout. Definitely my favorite fight in the trilogy. While not too difficult, he's still really fun.

If you had gotten 15 Kremcoins per world, you could pay them to this fella named Klubba. Once you do, you can access a level from the Lost World, a secret super hard bonus world. These are definitely some of the hardest levels in the game, tho I must brag and say it only took me two tries to beat Animal Antics this time around. Going back to the difficulty, yeah this game can be quite tough. It's not like bullshit hard, just the levels themselves can have some very tough portions and honestly, I welcome it. I still died a bunch in this game but I think the difficulty curve is very nice. It doesn't start off hard at all, it gradually start's getting pretty tough by world 4.

The OST is a big upgrade from the first game I think and is honestly amazing. Some of my favorites were Mining Melancholy, In A Snow-Bound Land, LockJaw's Saga,Hot Head Bop, and Forest Interlude. That is not even mentioning the absolute fucking goated song that is Stickerbush Symphony which is honestly a top 5 song for me from any video game ever. It's that amazing and I've loved it before I even played this game. This is a top tier OST I think and may be the best SNES soundtrack of all time.

If I had any little nitpick about this game, it's the fact you have to use banana coins to save and move to other worlds freely. I forgot to mention this in the collectables section, but you also collect bananas throughout the stages, they're plentiful, but after saving once or using Funky's Flights in a world, you must pay each Kong coins to do either action again. Because coins are super easy to get, this wasn't an issue for me but if you reset the game, you lose all your coins (and lives) so I can see where it would be an annoying mechanic to some people.

This is peak Donkey Kong Country imo. Everything from 1 was perfected in this game and then some, and it easily has the best soundtrack in the entire series, which does play a big part in me loving this game. I have more nostalgia for Super Mario World but I cannot deny the fact that this is the better platformer on the Super Nintendo. Because of this, I do think this is the best SNES game I've played period. It's just a masterpiece through and through. Do yourself a favor and play it!

I'm going to get back to the Kirby marathon now but I do plan on replaying DKC3 in the near future so stay tuned for that whenever I decide to play it!

Omne... save me...

BAYONETTA 2! Oh, where do I begin? Well, lets start AFTER the release of Bayonetta 1. After Devil May Cry 4 disappointed several folks (although I think its a solid game so far), Bayonetta rose from the ashes to create a legitimately great alternative for the character action game fans out there. Almost everyone loved Bayonetta when it dropped, critics, fans, dogs and cats, everybody. So it’d be a no-brainer to make a sequel with an even grander scope. This is also the first of the followi ng two titles in the franchise that were funded in part by Nintendo, and thus, are Nintendo-exclusive. No PC, PS4 or Xbox One version in sight. It's not an unexpected move, as Nintendo did fund the project after all, and hey, like I said, emulation is free. So, while the exclusivity did sting a little, it made sense. And, thank the lord, Bayonetta 2 looks and runs phenomenally on Wii U and the 2018 Switch port. It's a big step up from the Xbox 360 and- ugh, the PS3 version. You know, the one with a 30FPS cap (sometimes not even reaching that) and sub 720p graphics? That was a fucking mess. But with Bayonetta 2’s release on Wii U and Switch, they went out of their way to port Bayonetta 1 as well, and if you bought Bayonetta 2 physically, you got Bayonetta 1 for FREE! A great move by Platinum, and hey, the Wii U version is pretty good! Overshadowed by the subsequent versions, but there's some all new Nintendo-fied costumes. Bayonetta made the most graceful transition to the Wii U possible, but that’s to speak of the quality of Bayonetta 2 itself. Because, truth be told, Bayonetta 2... is AMAZING! Bayonetta 2 kicks off even greater than Bayonetta 1. After festive lesbianism occurs, the first level kicks off with Bayonetta and Jeanne riding on fighter jets. Show this to anyone who doesn't know what the hell Bayonetta is and watch their faces change and shift, as random shit just happens. But it’s a joy to watch. The cool shots, Bayonetta jumping up to the sky naked, uhhhhh yeah it’s GOATED. And when Moon River starts blasting, you KNOW your girl is back and better than ever.

Bayonetta 2 retains a majority of its predecessor’s systems. Like Bayonetta, the delay based combos return. For a quick rundown, punching, waiting, and then punching again results in a different, stronger combo compared to 3 punches in a row, with this philosophy applying to a majority of the combos. Spam is discouraged, therefore creating the perfect skill curve with combat. That was great about Bayonetta, and I'm glad to see that it returns in 2, however, Bayonetta 2 adds a new mechanic to make these awesome combos easier. The Umbran Climax is a rather controversial mechanic within the community, to be honest. But damn, if I can't help but absolutely love it. At the cost of a full magic meter, all of your attacks become souped up Wicked weaves, and tearing down a crowd of enemies never gets old to me. But I can't help but feel it's pretty unbalanced. Yeah, that's kind of the point, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit too braindead for my tastes. While the delay based combos are still present with Umbran Climax, they’re much less useful given the clear benefits of a strong AOE presence, so you’re incentivized to keep spamming attacks, because Umbran Climax only lasts so long. One last nitpick, taking damage while in Umbran Climax needs to have a better indicator. You don't take knockback during Umbran Climax, so it's usually hard to tell when you take damage. This only gets somewhat annoying for scoring purposes, but it's whatever if you're playing casually. I’m not saying to make her invincible, but some kind of score mitigation would be pretty nice. I'd also like to note that Bayonetta herself is also slightly weaker than the prior game to compensate for Umbran Climax, as well. To be honest, it’s not really noticeable in the game to game action, but Bayonetta does slightly less damage overall, including her Wicked Weaves. Adding onto this nerf is the ability for enemies to block attacks, which is something that I was surprised wasn’t in the original game. This keeps the player on their toes, and I really like how Bayonetta 2 still attempts to throw the player off at certain points. One of the better additions in Bayonetta 2 is the weapons.

Sure, weapons were in the original Bayonetta, but Bayonetta 2 greatly expands on this mechanic, as most of the weapons are cheaper and easier to get than ever before. I'm sad to say that I was never able to use the awesome chainsaws in Bayonetta 2, but the rest of the weapons are pretty great, at the very least. I really loved the Dual Swords at first, because you can charge it up and do an oh-so powerful slash straight through your enemies. But once I got the 3 Pronged Scythe, that’s all I used. At least on my Hands, because with my feet, I still wielded the Swords. The Scythe is awesome, if you hold it out for a bit, you shoot out 3 projectiles out of the Scythe a devastating attack for most foes, and it’s also fast as fuck, one of the best weapons in the game, here. I never took a liking to the Bow, as ranged combat in Bayonetta is pretty lame in my opinion, but the Flamethrowers were neat, and the whip is incredibly strong, too. Because of this, the combat feels a lot more dynamic and diverse, adding to the already high variety of Bayonetta 1. Also, can we talk about the improvements from Bayonetta 1? The bosses feel much improved here. No longer are they just massive moving hurtboxes, they actually feel a lot more fun to fight here. With Umbran Climax, it’s a lot easier to turn the tides in your favor, and the bosses feel so much more dynamic here. From flying in the sky, to surfing on a piece of board, Bayonetta 2 never stays in one area of gameplay for long, although there is a slight problem with Bayonetta 2’s combat. It’s highly reliant on Witch Time. Now, I love Witch Time as much as the next guy, but having it be almost mandatory to survive took a lot of the fun out of it. Nailing that perfect dodge was never necessary, but it was fun because it felt like a massive “up yours” to the enemy for being aggressive. Bayonetta 2 exhibits a similar feeling, but to a slightly lesser degree, as Witch Time is required to dodge certain attacks. It’s not too apparent, but it did feel a little lame when I noticed. But overall, Bayonetta 2’s combat is just as strong as beforehand, just like the fantastic enemy design of Bayonetta. It definitely has it’s issues, but yeah, this is great! But if there’s one issue I can point to with Bayonetta 2, it’s undoubtedly it’s difficulty.

The biggest disappointment is Bayonetta 2’s very low difficulty. Bayonetta was a very difficult game for newcomers, but very satisfying to master. Bayonetta 2 feels pretty tame in this regard. The difficulty has seen a severe drop from Bayonetta. I’d say Hard Mode Bayonetta 2 is more comparable to Bayonetta’s Normal difficulty. But there also lies an issue with Bayonetta 2’s score system. ITEMS. In Bayonetta, using items was a travesty upon your rank. It counted as a Death, but Bayonetta 2 entirely removes this aspect of scoring, a dumb as hell move in my eyes. Healing is fine to not count, as there’s a damage rank anyways, but being invincible, or super powered, or UMBRAN CLIMAX for free should absolutely be punished by the game. Sure, it definitely sucked to get Stone Ranks all of the time in Bayonetta 1, but it felt equally as great to do everything perfectly and get the Gold Rank. With Bayonetta 2, very rarely did I get anything below a Silver Rank. Does improving as a player have anything to do with that? Yeah, maybe. But even then, I made frequent use of items and still made it out with the game congratulating my for my efforts. In my opinion, for this to work, there either needed to be a significant item nerf, or items need to be made waaaaaay worse. But thankfully, the final boss is still just as difficult as ever, and now that’s my cue to to talk about the endgame

God, Bayonetta 2’s finale is almost perfect. No dawdling over some stupid, unfun Space Harrier clone, no boss rush, just constant, non-stop action throughout, and I love it. Rather than your typical boss rush, in Chapter 14, they go to the past, with you controlling a mech, and it's not just a fun distraction either. It still retains all of the same, delay based combos that Bayonetta has. Rather than changing up the gameplay style non-stop, they instead add to it, making Bayonetta 2 an incredibly focused game. The level design is so much more wider and expansive, encouraging exploration, but never slow down one bit. And this applies to the final boss, too. Like Bayonetta, the one on one fights with the Lumen Sage lead up to the final chapter, where another one on one fight commences before the second phase. And when the true phase kicks in, the fight against Aesir, it’s awesome. It’s another one on one fight, and for once in it’s runtime, Bayonetta 2 actually gets pretty damn difficult. I actually died a few times here, and I like that higher difficulty. But of course, like Bayonetta 1, a giant hair god, OMNE!!!!!, with womanly proportions (god, I love this game) is summoned, giving Aesir the good old Wizard’s Foot. Okay, last Smash Bros joke, I swe- SUDDENLY, JEANNE! Riding on a goddamn plane, too. She finishes the deal. summoning another hair demon, and fast forward a few months later, MORE Festive lesbianis- SUDDENLY, PLANE! AND ANGELS! Well, you know how this ends. LET’S DANCE, GENTLEMEN!


Despite my qualms with Bayonetta 2, especially when it comes to higher level play, Bayonetta 2 is a more than worthy sequel to the original. Each time I turned off the game, I wanted to hop back in as soon as possible, because the game is THAT good. The greater depth, the incredible visuals and music, and the awesome as hell combat left me satisfied and clamoring for more. It's hard to look at Bayonetta 2 without comparing it to it's elder sister, but I think it's a toss up as to which one I prefer. As a casual player, I found Bayonetta 2 to be a lot more inviting, but Bayonetta's high difficulty made me incredibly satisfied when I completed it. It's a very tough choice, especially as someone who's seen hardcore Bayonetta players compare it to the first game (completely understandable ftr), but I have to give the very, VERY slight edge to Bayonetta 2. Sure, it may be easier, but it's far from braindead, and the difficulty is more than made up for with better gameplay. Hell, that's my opinion, though. At the end of the day, I still love both of them equally, and I recommend giving each a playthrough for sure. Once again, a must play.

Well... the Bayonetta series has been going pretty well, but that positivity ends with Bayonetta 3. Spoiler alert, but if you've been stalking my log, you know I gave it a 5/10, and I have a LOT to say about it. Nothing good, though. So, yeah. Welp, I'mma get back to writing it. But I hope you enjoyed this review, it was a little delayed, but most of that time went into Bayonetta 3. So I hope you look forward to that, so in the meantime, I'll see myself out. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you later.

(CLAP, CLAP!) SHIP REVIEW!
Since there's two characters in Bayonetta 3, you get two different jokes. Hallelujah. This game is what I like to call the “Seven Sirens Syndrome” (a term coined by the wonderful @yuzrnaime).

…Bayonetta 3. What. In the absolute FUCK was pre-release period for this game??? Bayonetta 3 was announced at the nigh end of 2017, and while the trailer looked intriguing (most notably with Bayonetta straight up dying in the trailer, too), we didn't see any gameplay for over 4 years, only getting held over with the “Oh, don't worry, it's not canceled frfr”. And then out of nowhere, in September of 2021, we FINALLY got the first trailer, and yeah, I was pretty hyped. Time passed, Hellena Taylor hurled accusations at Platinum Games, no more Hellena Taylor, boycott Bayonetta 3 because she was underpaid, oh wait, she lied, revenge-buy Bayonetta 3. Oh, wait, THAT WAS A MISTAKE, TOO. This game's prerelease was a disaster, and that summarizes most of my thoughts on Bayonetta 3, unfortunately. You can tell that this game went through an extremely troubled development. For a game which took 5 years, it feels very... off-putting. Not bad, of course, it's still a Platinum Games title at the end of the day, but something just doesn't click with me that Bayonetta 1 and 2 did. But, with that being said, it's time to discuss why Bayonetta 3 is easily the weakest title in the series. Frequent rant warning, folks. This one’s gonna be a bumpy ride...

Right off the bat, Bayonetta 3 starts AMAZINGLY, much like the previous games. While it’s not as action packed, it leaves a surprisingly lasting impression that’s actually somewhat emotional. In the first battle, Bayonetta is doing her stereotypical Bayonetta thing. Fighting and fighting, until the bitter end against a dark entity, but UNLIKE usual, she’s eating straight ass. It’s a great contrast between the hyper action packed intros of before, as it has that action, but it’s definitely neutered compared to before. Fitting the tone, Bayonetta straight up DIES. Like, flat-out, shattered into the red orbs of Devil May Cry. Hey, point the gun away from your head, I want to hear Platinum out first, for as much as I can in this genuine shit show. Cut to Sigurd, some random soldier who I presume is close to Viola, a Saints Row 2022 looking-ass character, where Bayonetta’s… something is absorbed into Viola. The entity kills Sigurd off too, leaving Viola alone. With that, Viola retreats into… fucking Manhattan??? Hey, my dad grew up in New York, so I appreciate the shout out, but the city, alongside a girl who looks ODDLY like Cereza, and a guy who sounds AWFULLY like Enzo, are all completely fine, and that’s when I realized, that combined with the monologe about branching paths in the intro, that Bayonetta 3 is a fucking multiverse story. A MULTIVERSE STORY in BAYONETTA. Shit, man. Bayonetta 1 and 2 never had the greatest story to begin with (hence why I barely talked about them), so I’m flabbergasted as to why they even attempted this in the third entry, no less. But hey, let’s hold our “Shit Within”. Maybe it’ll actually be good? NOPE!!! Okay, so Cereza (we’ll call her that for the time being), and… Eggman, alongside… Rodin (i don’t have a good name sorry)??? are all New Yorker-ized, just your average day. But of course, this is a Bayonetta game, so shit gets WACKY! Rodin notices a storm approaching, and Cereza activates her Spider Within to hear someone calling for help. She says something about… a destined time and date to Eggman, as they arrive at a cruise ship dock. Cereza, being Cereza, dresses up for the occasion, and god. I can’t help but notice already.

These graphics are so disappointing, man. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that even Bayonetta 1 looked better; hell, at least it had a consistent style from beginning to end. Bayonetta 2 followed suit, being extremely colorful with incredibly detailed environments, and made one of the best looking Wii U and Nintendo Switch games. 3 looks rather rough in comparison. It’s not ugly per-se, but it’s far below the quality of other Nintendo-produced (or at the very least ASSISTED) games on the Nintendo Switch. Shit, if you squint enough, it looks like Sonic Frontiers on Switch. The first 2 Bayonettas look great, and still do to this day, but 3 looks and feels a lot worse to play. The frame pacing in cutscenes is rather nauseating, the shadows look off on the characters, and overall, I’d say that the models fall far below the quality of Bayonetta 2’s. Not to mention, the really bad frame drops on Switch. I played on Yuzu as I’ve previously said, but I’ve heard horror stories about Bayonetta 3 on Switch. A shame, really. Because we have so many great looking games on Switch, some even coming from Platinum themselves. Astral Chain, Metroid Prime Remastered, Super Mario Odyssey, Luigi’s Mansion 3, Smash Ultimate, some of the best looking Switch games, with most having rock solid performance too. Hell, Bayonetta 3 is one of those Switch games that run at a sub-720p resolution in handheld mode and it looks REALLY fucking rough. I don’t understand why so many Switch games run at sub-720 in handheld mode when they support well above that in Docked Mode. That’s a leg up on Bayonetta 1 and 2 being locked to 720p Docked on Switch, but those games were also 720p on Handheld, the way it should be. You lose an incredible amount of visual clarity without it as the Switch is a decently sized display, and on Handheld, it just looks awful. And seeing Bayonetta 3 still struggle to run on real hardware with THESE kinds of visuals, noticeable pop-in in tow, is quite disappointing to me. Hell, emulators still struggle to maintain a solid FPS with it. Once again, I played on an emulator (using Ryujinx this time, Yuzu kept crashing), and while 2 maintained a solid FPS throughout, Bayonetta 3 was LAG CENTRAL. Hell, it stopped working at a certain point (I needed to enable Vulkan + Texture compression). Nintendo really needs to step up their hardware, because when it’s hurting such a high profile release, it’s very sad to see. But, gripes aside, back to the story.

Viola quite literally falls on Enzo, demanding to see Bayonetta once mor- SUDDENLY, FLOOD! How in the FUCK did nobody notice it until now? What, did Flood Watches not exist in this tim- SUDDENLY, RODIN! Comes up and smacks the ever loving fuck out of the demon who made the flood occur. Bayonetta rides the cruise ship on top of the flood, and you know the drill by now. Bayonetta dances her way through the enemies, clothes get cut, BAYONETTA COMBAT TIME!!! Oh, and Moonlight Serenade. Not as good as Fly Me To The Moon or Moon River, but I still really like it.

Bayonetta 3’s combat mechanics are… solid. At least, in theory. As said nearly a hundred times over at this point, Bayonetta 3 returns with the delay based combos, present in Bayonetta 2, 1, and Devil May Cry. Weapons return from Bayonetta 2, but the Umbran Climax has been reworked into a “Demon Slave” mechanic, summoned by the power of the left trigger. Bayonetta 2’s Umbran Climax was fun, but incredibly overpowered. Bayonetta received a constant stream of health, with her attacks all being turned into devastating Wicked Weaves. In Bayonetta 3, the strength element remains, but leaves Bayonetta vulnerable as the demon only stays out as she dances, while the monster attacks for Bayonetta. Hence the term, Demon Slave. I appreciate the added combat strategy, as Umbran Climax was far lacking in that, but Demon Slave is a bit more skill based, akin to V from DMCV, I felt rather disconnected from combat when I used it. It’s theoretically a little better than Bayonetta 2’s Umbran Climax, but… it still doesn’t feel all that great. If anything, I kind of preferred 2’s because you always felt like the badass slaying all of the monsters. Instead, you get a demon to do the dirty work? Lame! And that also somehow makes Bayonetta 3 BY FAR the easiest in the franchise. I barely died, outside of challenges and the like. It’s SUPER fucking easy, and I played on Hard Mode on my first playthrough, too. Bayonetta 3’s enemies are woefully pathetic. Even on Hard mode, they were shockingly slow and easy to kill. No longer do they resist you like Bayonetta 2, you can wail on them to your heart’s content, and by god, these designs just flat out suck. They all blend in, all being built on the same, boring, robotic designs. Additionally, they removed the item caps from the shop, a dumb as hell move on the developer’s part. And since, like Bayonetta 2, there are no punishments for using items, you can haul absolute ASS in this game. At least Bayonetta 2 tried to limit your items, and while that didn't solve the issue with items and scoring, it still felt well balanced. But with the currency divided between upgrades, costumes, and items in Bayonetta 3 (an idea that’s not bad on paper), items are of little risk to buy since your upgrades don’t suffer from it. Item prices needed to be tuned all the way up, or the items had to be severely nerfed for this to be a good change. Bayonetta 1 and 2’s currency forced you to understand the game’s combat in order to get more skills. If you were good at the game, the Concoction Menu still let you get items for free; hell, I bet some of you never even knew Concoction existed until now. Buying items directly takes away from your currency in which you buy even better techniques from. In Bayonetta 3, this fact is of no issue. I bought 20 goddamn MEGA herbs at the end of the SECOND mission, and still had a lot more money to spare. THAT alone proves how easy Bayonetta 3 is. Want 8 Hot Shots for practically nothing? There you go, you’re practically immortal, now! Because of this, I was basically on autopilot for the entire journey, because the game is so easy to break. Big hit? Oh, just use my 9 million Herbs that I have! Hard Mode, my ass. What we need is a “Witch Must Die” mode or something, as the Bayonetta series gets disappointingly easier with each game. As it stands, Bayonetta 3 is easily a contender for my least favorite in the series for this fact alone. Sure, Bayonetta was a pretty brutal game, and Bayonetta 2 had issues with scoring, but it always put up a good fight. Bayonetta 3, once again, fails to live to the standards of 1 and 2, by being one of the easiest games ever released. You could argue that Bayonetta 3 is meant to introduce newcomers I guess, but even then, Bayonetta 2 did a better job at that. This leaves Bayonetta 3 unengaging for a large majority of it's runtime, and it unfortunately only gets worse from here on out.

Although the Demon Slave has several fatal flaws, to give Bayonetta 3 a genuine compliment, they do something kind of cool with this, where your demons are linked to the weapon you use. Neat shit. It’s a bit more limiting than Bayonetta 2, as you had hands and foot slots, but I’ll… allow it to slide. JUST this once. The weapons themselves are as solid as Bayonetta 2’s, in my eyes, although the variety isn’t as strong. My personal favorite was the yoyos, which provide an excellent balance between close-quarters and mid-ranged attacks. I usually never used the big club, which did great damage but was slow as fuck, because unless you made Devil May Cry 5, it’s usually not my favorite pick for an action game weapon. But the rest are fun, and I did like experimenting with them. And, oh yeah. Torture attacks are now gone too, now you just press 2 buttons, and bam. It's better flowing, but it still feels… so unlike Bayonetta. I don’t know how to say i- SUDDENLY, JEANS! Sporting a more hippie attire, she fights with Bayonetta against this large, tentacle monster thingy, before promptly getting eaten alive by some Penis Flytrap. Damn, is this fucking Endgame? They’re killing everyone like it’s nothing! Oh, nevermind, Jeans is saved by Madame Butterf- SUDDENLY, GIANT FISH? Before getting smacked by a massive building, never to be seen again. What was the point of that??? Anyways, after the massive flood, Cereza, Eggman, Jeans, and Rodin retreat to The Gates of Hell to watch the news, or something. Yeah, Eggman straight up LOST his entire family in that flood. Anyways, Viola introduces the entire multiverse structure, they can't manually control it but they go to Thule where all of the universes lie... IDK. I was already tuned out, man. Anyways, soon enough, Variant Bayonetta in this universe, she’s a super high tech yoyo spider wield- aaaand she dies anyways. Cool. Cut to one of the worst minigames in the entire series, then, the Monster Fighting Game. I don’t know how they made a fighting game character with slower attacks than Ganondorf, but hey, you do you. Then cut to THE worst mini game in the series... FUCKING. KHAKI. JEANS.

Yes, in Bayonetta 3, there are fucking 2D STEALTH MISSIONS. Bayonetta, you sure are one mysterious destiny. Nope, we can’t make her playable in the mainline story, eat shit, Jeanne. All you do is walk around, one shot everything, bam, move on with your life while you do... stuff. Are these supposed to be funny or something? It’s not funny enough to warrant FOUR ENTIRE CHAPTERS to this braindead nonsense. It’s SO boring and tedious, that this is where I started to lose all hope for Bayonetta 3 EVER being better than 1 and 2. And unfortunately, Bayonetta 3 never gets better from those very lofty heights.

Because eventually, you have to play as Viola... and this is. Fine. Not bad, not great, just. Okay. Okay, so unlike Bayonetta, she wields a Katana, and only has one Demon Slave, Chesire, who automatically attacks alongside Viola. Okay... not really that different than Bayonett- WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HER WITCH TIME??? She has to PARRY attacks, which REALLY fucks with my muscle memory, and her combo game is bland. Unlike Bayonetta, who actually has fun mechanics, even in 3, Viola genuinely has NO SAUCE. No fun combo game, no other abilities, nothing! She’s so lame, man. She’s not different enough to warrant a whole ass character, and her playstyle is even worse than Bayonetta’s. Because of this, Viola is easily one of the worst characters in action game history. She’s so MID. Fuck, man. Each time I played as her, I let out a giant, massive SIGH, man. And BTW, she’s so FUCKING annoying. “my name is v-i-o-l-a VIOLA!!!!” Shut UP, man.

And, of course this wouldn't be a Bayonetta 3 review without mentioning the godawful story and ending. Oh my god, that fucking ending, man. It's so BAD. Okay, so after Jeanne dies (LMFAOOOOOO), Bayonetta fights Singularity, but out of fucking NOWHERE, is assisted by all of the Bayonettas from across the multiverse… before including two different Bayonettas... from BAYONETTA 1 and 2... and then Bayonetta 1 and 2 merge with 3- what the fuck??? Did Umbran Witches have this ability all along? And then Bayonetta 3 (the third incarnation of Bayonetta) dies after the fight with Singularity because she exhausted her strength (Persona 3, much?)so now all Bayonettas are dead, but then Luka... hugs Bayonetta... oh, Christ almighty... they both die... that’s it??? WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!? Okay, first of all, the elephant in the room. Bayonetta’s sexuality. Folks, I know that Bayonetta was hailed as our Lesbian Queen prior to Bayonetta 3, where she flirted with Jeanne, LIVED TOGETHER with he- what the fuck??? You’re telling me after Bayonetta 2, after Bayonetta quite LITERALLY went to HELL and BACK just to save her that they’re just good FRIENDS??? Okay, I guess they never had an active relationship on screen, I guess, and I was mostly pissing around with the “lesbianism” jokes of the earlier reviews. But the same could be as equally said for LUKA, and before you say I’m bi-phobic or some shit (cough cough Gayming), hear me out, as a bisexual myself. First of all, I don’t object to Bayonetta having a heterosexual relationship, but what I DO object to is Luka’s lack of character development. WHO in the Story department put this fucking JIZZER with Bayonetta??? In Bayonetta 1 and 2, they never went past teasing, but Bayonetta did that with EVERYBODY. Luka made an ass out of himself because he WANTED that ass, but Bayonetta never felt the same way! That was the joke! Like Amy and Sonic, it was played off as a simple joke. But you're telling me that it's Knuckles and Rouge now? Bitch, please! They have borderline NO chemistry throughout the entire game. If Bayonetta and Luka were going to “Hit The Climax!”, let's say, then their relationship needed to matter a WHOLE lot more throughout the game. Better yet, why doesn't Viola chat with her Mother before she's banished to Inferno. No??? SHE JUST SITS THERE WATCHING ON??? OKAY!

Thirdly, this presents a fatal flaw in how Viola even EXISTS to begin with. Okay, so let's say, hypothetically, Bayonetta and Luka... fucked. Okay, that's one thing. But that presents a major problem. WHO'S VARIANTS ARE VIOLA’S PARENTS??? It CAN'T be the Luka we see; otherwise, why would Bayonetta 3 accept a kiss from a complete STRANGER? And, either way, if Bayonetta 3 was the mother of Viola, she would certainly recognize her own child in the prologue, no??? If in the grand scheme of things, Luka and Bayonetta were destined to be, and Luka and Bayonetta are destined to give birth to Viola (which isn’t even true based on the variant Bayonettas being seen without Luka), then where are Viola’s variants??? I’d doubt that Luka himself would be able to time travel, fucking everybody in the neighborhood, my guy just followed Bayonetta! Yeah, if you couldn't tell, THIS STORY FUCKING SUCKS. And I'm not done just yet, finally, WHERE DID THE OTHER TWO BAYONETTAS COME FROM? I can buy that variants exist in a multiverse story, believe me. Spiderverse 2 is amongst my favorite movies of all time. But isn't this the fated day where Singularity wins? You mean to tell me that Bayonetta 1 and 2 were two different timelines? THAT'S BULLSHIT. Bayonetta 2 takes place a few months after the first one. You mean to tell me that (the character) Bayonetta 1 time traveled a few months back only for Singularity to fuck shit up during that time? You mean to tell me Bayonetta 3 is a completely separate entity from the other Bayonettas? Sure, Bayonetta has done time travel before, but hasn't broken its own rules to such an extent. Maybe this has something to do with Bayonetta: Bloody Fate, but THAT’S an adaptation, NOT a different story line. Sure, in Bayonetta 1, Bayonetta did help Cereza go back to her own timeline, which was referenced in Bayonetta 2, but that was a ONE. TIME. OCCURRENCE! This is amongst the most PRETENTIOUS stories that I've ever seen in GAMING, with its head stuck up its own ass for most of the runtime. It GENUINELY pisses me off that they decide to kill off Bayonetta AND Jeanne, two INCREDIBLY PREVALENT CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES with ZERO payoff, nor EMOTION to this scene. Nobody gains ANYTHING from it, there’s no character arc completion, no shocking character revelations, NOTHING. Bayonetta dies, Viola cries, GET FUCKED. Well for one exception. Viola is Bayonetta now, hooray, and good lord, the franchise’s story is now ultimately fucked for what it's worth. This story is a crowning achievement of bullshittery that happens once in a few millennia. Bayonetta 1 and 2’s story were not impressive, yes, but Bayonetta 3 takes it to an astronomical level of pure awfulness that not even die-hard Bayonetta fans can appreciate for its absurdity. Just... WHY A MULTIVERSE STORY? It’s SO hard to get right, and when Bayonetta 1 and 2 weren’t great stories by any means, you’re only asking for the bitter disappointment of fans, and thats what fans got! We waited 8 YEARS, just for this. Bayonetta 3 is genuinely one of the worst stories that I’ve EVER SEEN. It’s ABYSMAL. They never do ANYTHING fun with fthe Multiverse setup. Outside of the first cutscene, there’s nothing interesting or intriguing about the world. Bayonetta and company just go through the motions because they’re the main characters in the Video game called Bayonetta 3 for the Nintendo Switch, released on October 28th, 2022, available for $59.99 MSRP. They don't give a fuck, clearly. Why should I? The only time I smiled at the concept was with the pseudo-rhythm game near the end of Chapter 12, but other than that, Bayonetta 3 humor rolls straight ones throughout its painfully short runtime. Who the FUCK cares about all of these different Bayonettas dying when we’ve only seen them for FIVE. SECONDS!!! There’s no payoff, no emotional impact, NOTHING AT ALL. “Ohhhhh, but they come into the final battle for like 3 seconds,” NEAT SHIT!!! And even if there was, we already KNOW what’s going to happen to all of them, because they all died ON SCREEN consistently. They NEVER do anything clever with this setup, maybe save for Bayonetta 3 nearly dying, but that’s supposed to happen. After all, the game is called Bayonetta 3! Not “Viola”, or “Rodin”! And, even then, if ANYBODY in the world cares about all these variants dying, I’ll be DAMNED if it was Bayonetta 3 (the character). She never goes, “Oh shit, with all of these other Bayonettas dying, I might be next!!!” She never runs in and tries to save the others, does she do ANYTHING of value? NO! She just carries along, lets the Bayonetta die, not even reflecting on any of the Bayonettas, when the first one she saw, got torn in TWO RIGHT, IN FRONT OF HER EYES! I don’t know how you go to HELL AND BACK to save your BEST FRIEND/LOVER (IN MY HEART), but lack ANY SORT OF EMPATHY, NOR THE BALLS TO SAVE THE OTHER UMBRAN WITCHES. Oh, what did Bayonetta do before, for the record? Defeat OTHER, stronger Umbran Witches and Lumen Sages, and beat Aesir and Jubelius’s, giant, GODDESS ASS! Is she fucking scared or something??? How did she fend for her own reality all this time??? It’s DUMB! It’s simply. DUMB. This story is fucking stupid, simple as that. Do yourself a favor, press Plus, Up, A whenever a cutscene pops up. It’s so awful and not worth subscribing to. Avoid it like the plague. It accomplishes absolutely NOTHING through it's 9 hour runtime, probably fucks up the future Bayonetta stories, too, and it just flat out fucking sucks overall. It's truly THAT BAD. Actually, back to that comment of “probably fucks up the future Bayonetta stories, too”, apparently, Hideki Kamiya, one of the founding fathers of the Umbran Witch, wanted to make nine entries in the Bayonetta series overall, but… uh oh! Kamiya left Platinum Games in September of 2023. So… yikes. Platinum Games got dealt the worst cards here. I really hope that with the release of future Bayonetta games, that they greatly improve the story. Apparently, Bayonetta Origins has a much improved narrative, but I haven't played it, so all that I can say is that we'll see. But now, it's time for the conclusion.

And folks, that story simply set me over the edge. I’ve never rated a game lower for its story alone, but call me petty, because Bayonetta 3 cleared that bar of absolute TERRIBLENESS, enough for me to rate it a 5/10, when the BARE MINIMUM was shattered. I didn’t care about the stories of Bayonetta 1 and 2, but if anything should be said about Bayonetta 3’s abysmal story, it's that it’s a one of a kind, absolutely nonsensical story that actually made me give a shit about how bad it was. But hey, if you skip the cutscenes, the game is like a 6/10 dw :). But, seriously, Bayonetta 3 is the low point of the franchise. Do I even need to say anything more at this point? I’ve already bitched about the story for several Google Doc pages on end, how it’s gameplay is good on paper but any substance nor appeal surrounding it, surprisingly more so than Bayonetta 2, which had “WIN BUTTON THE GAME MECHANIC”, and how it’s just a mess overall. Yes, there are several things I liked about Bayonetta 3. The combat mechanics of the older games are still there (albeit neutered), the level design is still solid as always, and the music is still great albeit different, but when everything else that surrounds those good elements is middling at best and when it's been done so much better in Bayonetta 1 and 2, I can only give so much praise, man. It’s definitely not the worst game I’ve ever played (hello, Super Meat Boy Forever), but it’s among the most disappointing, if not, the most disappointing. It has its moments, yes, in fact, the Chapter 4 Boss was really fun! But the good heavily outweighs the bad, and leaves me thoroughly mixed on the game as a whole. I don't have any urge to replay this game at all, hell, I didn't even go for the portals since it was so easy to abuse items, so I’ll leave it at that. I don't like saying “Why would you play this when you can play (another game in series)”, because that feels weirdly disrespectful in my eyes as most games still offer different experiences, but Bayonetta 3 offers nothing of value to the Bayonetta franchise. 1 and 2 are infinitely better, and more worth your time. For now, at least. Because next up is Bayonetta Origins, the one that not even Bayonetta fans played! And it's one that I haven't even played, either. I at least played Bayonetta 1 and 2 a bit and I watched videos on Bayonetta 3, so I knew what I was getting into, but I've seen nothing about Bayonetta Origins. Apparently it's a fun game, but you'll have to wait for the review on that one. So, until next time, folks!

Back to back on the PETA attack!

Hey, it beats Super Meat Boy Forever in terms of design! Aaaaand it's still one of the worst games I've ever played. Genuinely. It's not even funny bad. It's just BAD. McCardiarrac Arrest aside, this is absolutely abhorrent. Bad controls, abysmal graphics, terrible level design, I mean, shit! I could at least laugh at Cooking Mama Kills The Animals's graphics, but THIS is just blood and gore shat straight out of someone's ass. I rage quit eventually because the controls were simply THAT awful and unfun. Isn't this designed for kids???

What a joke.

I do enjoy a find the object game once in a while.

This was one of the more easy 100 Cats games. But I felt like it was quick the good balance of difficulty. I had a good amount that that were easy to start out the game but there were some challenging cat to find being small or smartly place around the map.

If anyone like find the object or an achievement haul then this is a nice short game to play for a quick break.

“Bayonetta? More like Mayonetta, ‘cause this shit spread me apart!” This joke was brought to you by the legendary @QuentTheSlayer.

The Bayonetta series! One of the most acclaimed franchises I’ve seen in general that nobody ever played. Yeah, can you believe that Bayonetta 2 barely cracked 1 million copies on Switch as of 2021? That's not terrible by any means, but you’d think it’d be a lot higher, since it was practically the Wii U’s only pride and joy, and 3/4ths of the series were heavily funded and promoted by Nintendo, plus almost every DMC game has sold like hotcakes, but no. Oh, sorry to any NES Remix 2 fans out there! Apparently, it wasn't a killer app for the failing Wii U console. Shocker. But, when Bayonetta 2 launched in 2014, they also ported Bayonetta 1 to Wii U, and a few years later, Xbox One, PS4, and the PC. The PC version is the definitive way to play the game, in my opinion. It can run up to 4K resolution, and usually maintains a stable 60fps, unlike a majority of the console versions, which don’t. A shame that Bayonetta 1 has only seen a PC release, because 2 and 3 will probably always be locked to Nintendo Switch and Wii U, as those 2 were Nintendo-funded, and also receive FPS issues, more so Bayonetta 3. But hey, emulation is always free, I suppose. And for the record, in these playthroughs, I will be emulating 2 and 3, just for the best experience possible. An almost locked 60FPS is crucial for almost any modern character action game nowadays, so I just bit the bullet. And for you rare few, I have my lawyers on speed dial if you want to contest this.

Okay, jokes aside, what the hell is a “Bayonetta”? Aside from her name being a clear nod to the weapon, the Bayonet, Bayonetta herself has become an icon within the hack n’ slash genre, and also the fighting game scene. Bayonetta was birthed from the absolute legend, Hideki Kamiya, who also directed the first Devil May Cry title. Rather than a male lead, Bayonetta was designed from the ground up, as a female witch who wielded four guns at a time. Although some shade was initially thrown at the beehive hairstyle, mimicking traditional witch hats, and lacked glasses initially, eventually, they came to a witch, with a heavy focus on the attractiveness of the character. Bayonetta, from the ground up, was designed to be attractive as all get-out, if you couldn’t tell from the box art. This girl just leaves it hanging out there like it’s nobody’s business! Hell, this even floods into gameplay a little bit. The infamous torture attacks have Bayonetta seductively execute her foes, the innuendos, “Climax”, yeah. Hideki Kamiya and crew knew what they were doing, and it shows. However, in spite of the less-than-modest presentation of Bayonetta herself, I’d actually go out on a limb to say that it empowers Bayonetta as a character. In the cutscenes, we see Bayonetta doing all of this wacky shit. She’s having fun! Flirting with her enemies, dancing around them, as she aims to secure the kill. It really makes Bayonetta out as an unstoppable badass, deliberately belittling her foes as she defeats them all promptly. I'm not a woman, so I don't really want to comment on if Bayonetta is necessarily sexist or not, but personally, I never really felt that way. The opening cutscene demonstrates this, with Bayonetta, ambushed by angels while working as a nun, decimating every single Angel in her way with style and grace. And when things get dire, as the angels barely miss her, slicing her nun attire in the products, she fully awakens to her power. And then, the ICONIC song HAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAA, AAAAAA, AAAAAAA, AAA, x6 FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ME TO THE MOON AND LET ME PLAYYYYYYYY AMONG THE STAAAAAAAAAAARS begins at full volume. I love this fucking track. Bayonetta has a good ass soundtrack and if you contest that fact, you're subhuman. But, back to the story and character design itself, giving Bayonetta this massive reach over her enemies demonstrates to the player how powerful Bayonetta is, and how powerful the player CAN be, with the game’s COMBAT.

GOD, Bayonetta's combat makes me SWOON. Never have I ever been so addicted to the controls of a game alone. Each time I listen to Fly Me to the Moon (Infinite Climax), I just want to start Bayonetta all over again. Bayonetta’s combat is EXCELLENT. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hell, I might even say I enjoy the gameplay loop a little more than Devil May Cry’s gameplay loop, although I’m not entirely sure. Bayonetta herself has a few simple attacks; a punch, kick, shooting, and dodging. You’ll primarily be fighting your foes face on, but that’s not to say your guns don’t get some decent use either. You have 4 guns; two on your hands, and two on your feet. By holding an attack button, you can shoot the guns to give a little extra damage out, corresponding to which attack you throw out. So, punch to shoot the hand guns, or kick to shoot the heel guns. Or, alternatively, you can shoot your hand guns on your own, if you don’t feel like punching enemies in the face. But believe me folks, it doesn’t end there. The combo system of Bayonetta goes far deeper than you may think. Bayonetta retains the delay-based systems of Devil May Cry, but given the choice of hands and guns, the combos become much, MUCH deeper than before. Your average Devil May Cry combo goes like this. Slash, slash, wait, slash, slash. Whereas an average Bayonetta combo goes like this; Punch, punch, kick, kick, wait, kick. It adds complexity, but still remains simple enough to master. Bayonetta’s other main stick is her Witch Time, and upon dodging a majority of attacks at the last second, Bayonetta will slow down time for every enemy, and yeah, it’s as satisfying as it sounds. Outside of looking and feeling really good to do, the obvious benefit of slowing down time also adds a score multiplier to each attack done in Witch Time. So there’s no real reason to not be in Witch Time as much as possible, even if you can’t land a few attacks in. It feels great to pull off each time, just getting to wail on your enemies each time feels immaculate to watch and play. Even more immaculate is the Climaxes and Executions, which have you executing enemies in just the cutest way possible, usually killing them in a single shot. So, all of this versatility sounds pretty overpowered, right? How does Bayon- Wait, I’ve already used this segway in my Repentance review. Shit.

Straight and to the point, Bayonetta is one of the most deviously difficult games that I’ve ever played. Goddamn, I wasn’t expecting to die THIS much when going in. I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy game, but FUCK the Witch Hunts, seriously. But if it isn’t one of the most consistently fair games that I’ve played, too. Every attack is cued to perfection. To avoid frustration, most attacks have a bright shine and sound cue to it. The attacks themselves hit incredibly hard, but if you can dodge them, you’ll be a master of Bayonetta. Guess which camp I fell in? I was planning on doing a no items run of Bayonetta, but at Chapter 9, I caved. The game was just too hard for me. But, that’s okay, because before that, I was only getting Stone ranks, and each use of an item counts as half of a death, so there really wasn’t much difference in my overall score. What DID have an effect on my score were the Quick Time Events, though.

God, these just need to go. Bayonetta is an amazing game and all that jazz, but MAN, these got on my nerves really quickly. My main problem is that a grand majority of them lead to an instant death for no good reason at all, and they quite literally show up out of nowhere. At the very least, at least make the failure state cause minor damage or make it repeatable, because an outright kill from something you couldn’t see coming is not fun game design. Imagine that you’re on the way to a Pure Platinum in Chapter 2. You haven’t got hit a single time, and when you finally kill the boss without damage, you set down the controller satisfyingly, only to forget the instant kill at the VERY end of the chapter. Come on, dude! Talk about cheap and frustrating design. This especially hurt as someone who has really good hand-eye coordination, and played the Steam release with a Switch Pro Controller, as the direction of buttons doesn’t line up with the prompts on screen, as inputting the wrong buttons very frequently leads to Bayonetta’s demise. And don’t input them TOO early, because that kills you, too! For some reason. Speaking of bosses, they were... somewhat of a mixed bag. None of them are outright terrible, but there’s definitely a fair share of hot air between them. Sometimes, there’s not a whole lot to do other than firing your guns at them. They also have QTEs, although most are optional, thankfully. And failing usually doesn’t kill you, thank the fucking lord. Also on the plus side, all of the Jeanne fights were AWESOME. She serves as a skill check; Witch Time and guns won’t work for a majority of attacks, and she’s among the most threatening bosses in the entire game, packing speed and some hella’ Wicked weaves. Each encounter is almost perfectly crafted, requiring the utmost mastery of skills. And that music, man. Every 10/10 game NEEDS a 10/10 soundtrack, too. It’s simply inseparable. Jeanne is essentially the Vergil of Bayonetta, and those DMC comparisons don’t stop there.

Like DMC, you can buy abilities in the shop, all of which are of great variety and utility. In fact, I’d go as far to say that Bayonetta has a greater variety of skills than a majority of Devil May Cry games (obviously disregarding DMC 2). Good GOD, the moves you can pull off are so distinctive from one another. The Beast Within moves are among the best in the entire game, the Breakdance is a great AOE attack, also useful for revealing those hidden halos and other items, man. It’s all so good! Sure, the heel stomp attack could be a little more useful, but for the most part, all of these abilities are awesome! Uhhhh. I’m out of good segways. Shit.

Okay, time to talk about the final few chapters, and WOW, these aren’t all that great, unfortunately. Chapter 14 is mostly Space Harrier that just lasts far too long. At the end, there’s a Jeanne fight, though, which is my personal favorite of the Jeanne fights, because she has the best, most difficult attacks of them all. I kind of wonder why they didn’t just split the two chapters, though. Imagine fucking up the Platinum and then having to do Space Harrier all over again. Ugh. Chapter 15 is a... boss rush. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s just kind of... okay. Chapter 16, the final traditional misson, is just a boss fight, against Balder, and the fight would’ve been PERFECT, if it weren’t for the fucking camera. It’s like Jeanne; no Witch Time, no guns, just you and a fight to the death. The camera is just far too up close. But it's still a great send-off, into the EPILOUGE, of course. The FINAL final boss, Jubileus, is a solid little send off to the game, but I think it's just a bit too easy? First off though, Jubileus is fucking hot and you cannot say otherwise, but secondly, the boss herself hovers above you, slamming sword thingies down, and those shoot projectiles at you. Not too bad to dodge, you just Witch Time them, and bam. Beat their asses. She'll also end up changing the arena every now and then, one covered in lava, one in ice, and one in the middle of a tornado. You, once again, have to destroy the swords she plants down, and Witch Time is the key to success. Really, her fight is pretty straightforward. Most of her attacks are pretty slow and predictable, and the one that poses a threat is the Black Hole attack, which is a reset, but other than that… yeah. It's fun, but too easy in my opinion. But of course, this is capped off with the most awesome Climax. Bayonetta does an awesome 20 second long dance, summoning a massive hair demon with oddly feminine proportions (god this game is weird and I love it), and it beats the shit out Jubileus in one fell love tap, knocking Jubileus’s soul out of her body into the goddamn SUN. Yeah, talk about a fucking climax. Oh, you can control her soul as she falls? You know what? Fuck Jupiter, am I righ- I DIED??? …Okay, that makes sense. Anyways one dumb decision later, Jubileus’s body falls to the earth, brief lesbianism occurs, we destroy her body, Bayonetta dies, actually no, bisexualism occurs, Bayo winks, CREDIT ROLL!!!!

No hyperbole or anything, Bayonetta is one of my favorite games that I've played this year, and maybe one of my favorite games of all time. A must play for almost anybody. Sure, the game has it's low points (how the FUCK did i not mention Grace and Glory during this???), but overall, it's REALLY fucking fun, and serves as one of the best character action games ever made, andI'll for sure be returning for Hard Mode and afterwards, INFINITE CLIMAX (funny). Bayonetta is on Steam, PS4, and Xbox One for 10 bucks, and the game more than makes up for that price, I'd say. I'm not sure about Xbox 360 and PS3, but Bayonetta is also on Switch for $30, which is a bit of an eh deal, but hey, you get a $20 discount for Bayonetta 2 if you buy it. Speaking of Bayonetta 2, that's NOT up next, but rather Bayonetta: Bloody Fate. Yeah, for the first time in zeusdeegoose history, we have a cross-media review series (if you discount Isaac I guess). I'm still playing through Bayonetta 2, and it seems destined to be another banger, but hey, we'll see in the review. I don't know about Bayonetta 3 as I actually haven't even touched it, but from what I heard, there's some… opinions on it. But, once again we'll see. But, the moral of the story? Bayonetta is awesome and I like it. Go buy 15 copies of it right now, and I hope that you have an awesome day.