TheSlowKenyan
2024
Just as Cats Hidden in Paris was, 100 Capitalist Cats is exactly what you'd expect, except I think the formula has been somewhat improved. I didn't give it 4.5 stars because it's some masterpiece everyone needs to play, but simply because it improves on what the series was going for.
For one, there's a hint button, now. Don't want to use it? Then don't, but having the option is nice for those few, final cats. I also think highlighting the found cats with a light yellow instead of the harsher blue of the Paris game was easier on the eyes!
The light jazz is nice in a lulling kind of way. This game's premise combined with the music seems like a great way to pass out in bed if you were able to play it on your phone.
You can play the whole, brief game for free, despite the titular capitalism. It was a nice palate cleanser.
For one, there's a hint button, now. Don't want to use it? Then don't, but having the option is nice for those few, final cats. I also think highlighting the found cats with a light yellow instead of the harsher blue of the Paris game was easier on the eyes!
The light jazz is nice in a lulling kind of way. This game's premise combined with the music seems like a great way to pass out in bed if you were able to play it on your phone.
You can play the whole, brief game for free, despite the titular capitalism. It was a nice palate cleanser.
Resident Evil: Revelations 2: Irredeemable garbage that should bring deep shame to every single person in the credits. I will live a worse life having experienced and beaten this. It shouldn't be for sale. Anyone giving this a thumbs up in the Steam reviews needs to be banned from the platform before seeking mental help.
The first Revelations game felt like the IP of Resident Evil farted onto a disc: it burned your nostrils but despite being faint, the spirit of the series still lingered there.
Honestly, the Resident Evil franchise really knows how to make you go back and think that last game you did not like wasn't that bad after all. I was lukewarm on Resident Evil 5. After 6, I thought 5 was a masterpiece, comparatively. After Revelations I thought “At least 6 could be fun in a co-op Michael-Bay-movies-while-hammered kind of way?” and after Revelations 2, I wish I played the Raid mode of Revelations more instead.
Are there more bad Resident Evils than good at this point?
What's good, here? Moira's voice actress is good. Her lines are shit, but she still gives it her all and sometimes it bleeds through the awful writing. She said “Fucking statue!” at one point and I actually thought “Damn, girl, what's your name?”
The main menu has a startling jumpscare that I like. It's not great, but I like the look of it.
One time I said out loud “Turn on your fucking flashlight, Barry,” and he did. That made me laugh.
It looks better than the first game (mind you: that was a 3DS port).
The only reason I gave it 1 star instead of 0.5: the dedicated dodge button was a good choice considering the speed of everything.
That's it.
Quite simply, this is not a Resident Evil game outside of a couple names that don't have any impact on you. They can say “Claire Redfield” all they want – I don't care, it's not her. The “zombies” are more like tweakers than living dead, except for the ones who are way too dead as they look like skeletons in clothes and are no challenge to kill.
This feels like cheap junk that you'd find in your Steam library on accident, not realizing it was part of a Humble Bundle you bought several years ago. Why was this made?
It follows the duo style of play except you control both partners. Each duo has an “Eye” and a “Muscle”: Moira and Claire, Natalia and Barry, respectively. The Eye's duty is to find secret gems, ammo, and hidden enemies. The Muscle shoots anything moving that isn't their Eye. It's not too exciting: you will play mainly as the Eye, looking around in corners for shiny points that you then focus on to make an item materialize or perhaps for the hidden symbols that earn you point multipliers at the end of levels. When baddies emerge, you press Tab and swap over to the person who has guns and kill them all. That's it, over and over again. It's a boring loop.
There are puzzles that Homer Simpson wouldn't even need to think about to solve.
The plot is half-assed gibberish. You're on an island, you want off, figure it out. There's a second Wesker named Alex and she's orchestrating some evil nonsense. I don't think you even figure out what, exactly, just that's she's wiping people out to make a virus... probably. She's trying to turn into a bug because she read some Kafka, maybe? I don't know, but don't worry: she's dead, now.
I got the bad ending because I was too quick at pressing the F key during a certain segment. I was supposed to just push Tab, but I didn't even see it because I'm simply too good at video games. What's weird is apparently the whole journey was so Moira could overcome her fear of guns. She shot her sister when she was young and, understandably, doesn't want to touch another one. I would have thought making her use a gun would be the bad ending, then, but apparently I'm an asshole for thinking so; guns are always good and everyone should want to use them all the time to solve every problem, and they're mindbroken and in need of forced-fixing if they think otherwise. Alright, Capcom.
I was going to play the DLCs but I raged out of The Struggle (feels appropriate) and didn't even try the other one or Raid mode. The game is off my computer and back in the nether where it belongs. This piece of shit crashed on me twice when I alt-tabbed, too, very frustrating.
The episodic content was a shitty idea and apparently Capcom added DRM to this thing recently, several years after it came out (as they did the first Revelations). Why? I wouldn't even recommend torrenting this game, it's THAT bad.
Like the first game, I do not recommend Resident Evil: Revelations 2, except I strongly recommend you avoid this one. Some games are just bad for you.
The first Revelations game felt like the IP of Resident Evil farted onto a disc: it burned your nostrils but despite being faint, the spirit of the series still lingered there.
Honestly, the Resident Evil franchise really knows how to make you go back and think that last game you did not like wasn't that bad after all. I was lukewarm on Resident Evil 5. After 6, I thought 5 was a masterpiece, comparatively. After Revelations I thought “At least 6 could be fun in a co-op Michael-Bay-movies-while-hammered kind of way?” and after Revelations 2, I wish I played the Raid mode of Revelations more instead.
Are there more bad Resident Evils than good at this point?
What's good, here? Moira's voice actress is good. Her lines are shit, but she still gives it her all and sometimes it bleeds through the awful writing. She said “Fucking statue!” at one point and I actually thought “Damn, girl, what's your name?”
The main menu has a startling jumpscare that I like. It's not great, but I like the look of it.
One time I said out loud “Turn on your fucking flashlight, Barry,” and he did. That made me laugh.
It looks better than the first game (mind you: that was a 3DS port).
The only reason I gave it 1 star instead of 0.5: the dedicated dodge button was a good choice considering the speed of everything.
That's it.
Quite simply, this is not a Resident Evil game outside of a couple names that don't have any impact on you. They can say “Claire Redfield” all they want – I don't care, it's not her. The “zombies” are more like tweakers than living dead, except for the ones who are way too dead as they look like skeletons in clothes and are no challenge to kill.
This feels like cheap junk that you'd find in your Steam library on accident, not realizing it was part of a Humble Bundle you bought several years ago. Why was this made?
It follows the duo style of play except you control both partners. Each duo has an “Eye” and a “Muscle”: Moira and Claire, Natalia and Barry, respectively. The Eye's duty is to find secret gems, ammo, and hidden enemies. The Muscle shoots anything moving that isn't their Eye. It's not too exciting: you will play mainly as the Eye, looking around in corners for shiny points that you then focus on to make an item materialize or perhaps for the hidden symbols that earn you point multipliers at the end of levels. When baddies emerge, you press Tab and swap over to the person who has guns and kill them all. That's it, over and over again. It's a boring loop.
There are puzzles that Homer Simpson wouldn't even need to think about to solve.
The plot is half-assed gibberish. You're on an island, you want off, figure it out. There's a second Wesker named Alex and she's orchestrating some evil nonsense. I don't think you even figure out what, exactly, just that's she's wiping people out to make a virus... probably. She's trying to turn into a bug because she read some Kafka, maybe? I don't know, but don't worry: she's dead, now.
I got the bad ending because I was too quick at pressing the F key during a certain segment. I was supposed to just push Tab, but I didn't even see it because I'm simply too good at video games. What's weird is apparently the whole journey was so Moira could overcome her fear of guns. She shot her sister when she was young and, understandably, doesn't want to touch another one. I would have thought making her use a gun would be the bad ending, then, but apparently I'm an asshole for thinking so; guns are always good and everyone should want to use them all the time to solve every problem, and they're mindbroken and in need of forced-fixing if they think otherwise. Alright, Capcom.
I was going to play the DLCs but I raged out of The Struggle (feels appropriate) and didn't even try the other one or Raid mode. The game is off my computer and back in the nether where it belongs. This piece of shit crashed on me twice when I alt-tabbed, too, very frustrating.
The episodic content was a shitty idea and apparently Capcom added DRM to this thing recently, several years after it came out (as they did the first Revelations). Why? I wouldn't even recommend torrenting this game, it's THAT bad.
Like the first game, I do not recommend Resident Evil: Revelations 2, except I strongly recommend you avoid this one. Some games are just bad for you.
Resident Evil: Revelations: I guess this may have impressed me if I played it on a 3DS, but I didn't, so it doesn't. This feels like the mere concept of “Resident Evil” was painfully streamlined into something so watered-down that calling it “handheld” or “mobile” doesn't quite do it justice; I feel like I won my copy of RE: Revelations in a box of cereal. It retails at $30 which is a crime.
I really think the only positive things I can say about this game is that, infrequently, some textures look (relatively) crisp. Like I can recall seeing Parker's Kevlar vest and saying to myself “The shine on that looks good, I can see creases that look nice.” The loading times are comically fast, too, though this is simultaneously false because the doors that act as loading screens go through their entire animation despite obviously being done immediately. It reminds me of Mass Effect 2's loading animations making things take longer than needed for no reason, and replacing them with .jpgs made loading instant.
The Raid mode is kind of neat for a few minutes and maybe could be brought into better RE games, but it never will.
The campaign was short, only taking away five hours from me.
I think I'm done with the positives.
Every person looks ill, except for maybe Jill Valentine, who only looks like she needs to cool it on the lip filler, and Chris Redfield, who is still Big McLargeHuge from the RE5 model. Parker looks like a bloated drunk, even in his “prime” shown in flashbacks; Raymond looks like a Dollar Store's knockoff Joker toy; Morgan looks like he was yanked from a vampire novella; you get it. Some more new faces include Quint and Keith who are simply cringe incarnate. “That would be tits,” says Keith, codename Jackass (not kidding). I would feel deep regret if I had anything to do with either of those characters.
Jessica is sexy, though, even when she's dressed like Harley Quinn about to go scuba diving. At least they gave us that.
The world isn't looking very good, either, but its crime is one of banality. When you first walk in its Hall, you may think “Wow, the Queen Zenobia will be easy to get lost in!” but you would be wrong: there's really only three ways out of it and you'll see each route several times. I understand retreading areas is sort of a staple of the series, but ideally you'll have a new weapon or keycard that gets you access to something new. That doesn't really happen, here; you just have to go to the Bridge again because that's where the next cutscene is and it's your third time there.
It plays like something between RE5 and RE6 which, if you're a fan of bad games, may be good news. There's no inventory management system and herbs are as simple as possible with one choice: press Tab and you're back at 100% instantly. You can move and shoot at the same time if that bothered you so terribly (I can't imagine being unable to play the original RE4 because of this), but dodging is still quite the horrible system of mostly luck.
You're swapping between character pairs every few minutes, because apparently this was needed to keep a frenetic pace or something? Calling it “exhausting” would be a stretch, but no pair is given enough time to really do anything before we cut somewhere else, it's just not a good choice.
There's a whole system with a scanner where you go into first person to scan enemies, accumulating points that at 100 give you a green herb. You can also find hidden ammo/items with it. Your movement (and the gameplay) grinds to a halt when you use it. I do not like this thing and I doubt anyone disagrees with me, I'd rather the ammo just be on the ground to begin with.
The plot is vapor. It feels a bit like a farce of the Resident Evil series, but not quite funny enough to be a good show. How exciting is it? There are no zombies and the big bad guy isn't the final boss after injecting himself with Super Mega Deluxxxe T-Virus or anything -- he just goes to jail. The final boss is a guy you just met and, really, you don't have any problems with. But this ride can't end without fireworks, so RE: Revelations lights a sparkler for you to enjoy. How fun.
An easily ignorable, insignificant Resident Evil franchise entry. If you don't own it, I don't see any reason why you need to. I'm not looking forward to its sequel, but unfortunately, I own that -- so here goes.
I do not recommend Resident Evil: Revelations.
I really think the only positive things I can say about this game is that, infrequently, some textures look (relatively) crisp. Like I can recall seeing Parker's Kevlar vest and saying to myself “The shine on that looks good, I can see creases that look nice.” The loading times are comically fast, too, though this is simultaneously false because the doors that act as loading screens go through their entire animation despite obviously being done immediately. It reminds me of Mass Effect 2's loading animations making things take longer than needed for no reason, and replacing them with .jpgs made loading instant.
The Raid mode is kind of neat for a few minutes and maybe could be brought into better RE games, but it never will.
The campaign was short, only taking away five hours from me.
I think I'm done with the positives.
Every person looks ill, except for maybe Jill Valentine, who only looks like she needs to cool it on the lip filler, and Chris Redfield, who is still Big McLargeHuge from the RE5 model. Parker looks like a bloated drunk, even in his “prime” shown in flashbacks; Raymond looks like a Dollar Store's knockoff Joker toy; Morgan looks like he was yanked from a vampire novella; you get it. Some more new faces include Quint and Keith who are simply cringe incarnate. “That would be tits,” says Keith, codename Jackass (not kidding). I would feel deep regret if I had anything to do with either of those characters.
Jessica is sexy, though, even when she's dressed like Harley Quinn about to go scuba diving. At least they gave us that.
The world isn't looking very good, either, but its crime is one of banality. When you first walk in its Hall, you may think “Wow, the Queen Zenobia will be easy to get lost in!” but you would be wrong: there's really only three ways out of it and you'll see each route several times. I understand retreading areas is sort of a staple of the series, but ideally you'll have a new weapon or keycard that gets you access to something new. That doesn't really happen, here; you just have to go to the Bridge again because that's where the next cutscene is and it's your third time there.
It plays like something between RE5 and RE6 which, if you're a fan of bad games, may be good news. There's no inventory management system and herbs are as simple as possible with one choice: press Tab and you're back at 100% instantly. You can move and shoot at the same time if that bothered you so terribly (I can't imagine being unable to play the original RE4 because of this), but dodging is still quite the horrible system of mostly luck.
You're swapping between character pairs every few minutes, because apparently this was needed to keep a frenetic pace or something? Calling it “exhausting” would be a stretch, but no pair is given enough time to really do anything before we cut somewhere else, it's just not a good choice.
There's a whole system with a scanner where you go into first person to scan enemies, accumulating points that at 100 give you a green herb. You can also find hidden ammo/items with it. Your movement (and the gameplay) grinds to a halt when you use it. I do not like this thing and I doubt anyone disagrees with me, I'd rather the ammo just be on the ground to begin with.
The plot is vapor. It feels a bit like a farce of the Resident Evil series, but not quite funny enough to be a good show. How exciting is it? There are no zombies and the big bad guy isn't the final boss after injecting himself with Super Mega Deluxxxe T-Virus or anything -- he just goes to jail. The final boss is a guy you just met and, really, you don't have any problems with. But this ride can't end without fireworks, so RE: Revelations lights a sparkler for you to enjoy. How fun.
An easily ignorable, insignificant Resident Evil franchise entry. If you don't own it, I don't see any reason why you need to. I'm not looking forward to its sequel, but unfortunately, I own that -- so here goes.
I do not recommend Resident Evil: Revelations.
2018
More like Unworthy of being in my Steam library, am I right, folks?? Well, unfortunately, it's now there forever.
Unworthy is a bad metroidvania primarily because of its poor traversal and overly punishing design choices, and while there's no shortage of things to nitpick here, I'm gonna focus on those.
So the game proudly boasts on its Steam page that there is no jumping to be found (for you, anyways) and they are not joking. The other claim is that Unworthy is “combat-focused”. The choice to have no jumping actually ends up hindering the combat, if you ask me, because things feel extremely shallow if my only choices are dodge-rolling and attacking. Hollow Knight's combat isn't exactly the deepest around, but the mobility of the Knight makes things more fun and tense as there's the second Y dimension for you to move around and attack in. Opening that up for you also opens it for enemies, meaning diversity in the combat; Unworthy has you and your enemies always planted on the ground (except for very rare exceptions) and eventually resorts to absurd attack patterns -- like sweeping lasers -- just to have the tenth enemy feel different from the first. It doesn't work well.
Combat is massively restricted due to this choice and getting around the map is a pretty big pain in the ass as well. If you wanna walk back somewhere, you can't just dodge enemies in the way as some will sprint after you, or fire projectiles that never despawn, or just set you ablaze with lasers. Enemies with shields can block you from rolling by and an archer behind them will fire through the shield lad entirely, hurting only you. Elevators won't work with enemies nearby and they can attack you off of ladders. Getting anywhere will always be arduous.
You best start believin' in ladders and elevators, Unworthy: you're on one! and you will be all the god damn time. Eventually you unlock a bow that teleports you to where it lands and this is as close as you get to jumping. I didn't like the spirit bow and found it especially annoying how poorly it responded to mouse input. You can only swap between two weapons, too; so you can either make that one weapon and always have the bow equipped, or constantly re-equip the thing whenever there's a frequent gap or ledge. Either way, you lose something, and it's simply frustrating.
They withhold the ability to teleport between bonfires (it's “soulslike”, so they're bonfires regardless of what they actually are) for such a long time, I began to believe it simply wouldn't ever happen. The placement of the bonfires is atrocious, too, such as one that forces you to go through a room with several enemies (near-impossible to dodge, mind you) before you can get to the area boss. To get around this problem, I had to unlock a secret area that only opens at real-time midnight to get a bonfire that still required a bit of a walk, but was free from pricks. I did not like this.
I had more fun with Unworthy when I finally looked up a map of its world to find the runes and health potions hidden from me. Sticking a majority of the upgrades necessary to keep your sanity hidden behind false walls or in rooms not shown on the map was cruel as hell, especially since, again, the traversal sucks. A couple hidden upgrades? Sure, but you should keep other bonuses hidden back there, not all the vital things.
I wanted to like the grayscale, it was quite the choice and definitely sets a mood, however there's no denying it's limiting on how your areas will look. What's different between the Catacombs of Ur and The Undercity? Believe it or not, they're both gray, so they both look like concrete. How exciting.
The final area/boss fight is the only place to introduce color, and while the juxtaposition obviously has an effect, I think it just looks incredible with that magma-colored flair. I feel this could have been done in other areas (with different colors) and the game still would have been just as annoyingly edgy. You don't just croak, here: the Grim Reaper flies by and slices your head off every time you die and text reminds you that you're “Unworthy”. You can add some green to Thornvale and trust me: your game will still be “dark”.
The game encourages multiple playthroughs and I'm not sure I'm masochistic enough to do the secret ending. For me, when a game is hard, it'll roadblock you for a while yet when you do conquer that boss, you feel like you earned something. I never felt that “reward” sensation here, it just meant the game wasn't over yet and there was more shit to get through. Beating the game didn't have me feel complete, it was more like a bittered relief.
I did like the Soulflame Gauntlets as a weapon, though. In a game where you are more mobile, they'd be really fun. They're wasted here.
I do not recommend Unworthy.
Unworthy is a bad metroidvania primarily because of its poor traversal and overly punishing design choices, and while there's no shortage of things to nitpick here, I'm gonna focus on those.
So the game proudly boasts on its Steam page that there is no jumping to be found (for you, anyways) and they are not joking. The other claim is that Unworthy is “combat-focused”. The choice to have no jumping actually ends up hindering the combat, if you ask me, because things feel extremely shallow if my only choices are dodge-rolling and attacking. Hollow Knight's combat isn't exactly the deepest around, but the mobility of the Knight makes things more fun and tense as there's the second Y dimension for you to move around and attack in. Opening that up for you also opens it for enemies, meaning diversity in the combat; Unworthy has you and your enemies always planted on the ground (except for very rare exceptions) and eventually resorts to absurd attack patterns -- like sweeping lasers -- just to have the tenth enemy feel different from the first. It doesn't work well.
Combat is massively restricted due to this choice and getting around the map is a pretty big pain in the ass as well. If you wanna walk back somewhere, you can't just dodge enemies in the way as some will sprint after you, or fire projectiles that never despawn, or just set you ablaze with lasers. Enemies with shields can block you from rolling by and an archer behind them will fire through the shield lad entirely, hurting only you. Elevators won't work with enemies nearby and they can attack you off of ladders. Getting anywhere will always be arduous.
You best start believin' in ladders and elevators, Unworthy: you're on one! and you will be all the god damn time. Eventually you unlock a bow that teleports you to where it lands and this is as close as you get to jumping. I didn't like the spirit bow and found it especially annoying how poorly it responded to mouse input. You can only swap between two weapons, too; so you can either make that one weapon and always have the bow equipped, or constantly re-equip the thing whenever there's a frequent gap or ledge. Either way, you lose something, and it's simply frustrating.
They withhold the ability to teleport between bonfires (it's “soulslike”, so they're bonfires regardless of what they actually are) for such a long time, I began to believe it simply wouldn't ever happen. The placement of the bonfires is atrocious, too, such as one that forces you to go through a room with several enemies (near-impossible to dodge, mind you) before you can get to the area boss. To get around this problem, I had to unlock a secret area that only opens at real-time midnight to get a bonfire that still required a bit of a walk, but was free from pricks. I did not like this.
I had more fun with Unworthy when I finally looked up a map of its world to find the runes and health potions hidden from me. Sticking a majority of the upgrades necessary to keep your sanity hidden behind false walls or in rooms not shown on the map was cruel as hell, especially since, again, the traversal sucks. A couple hidden upgrades? Sure, but you should keep other bonuses hidden back there, not all the vital things.
I wanted to like the grayscale, it was quite the choice and definitely sets a mood, however there's no denying it's limiting on how your areas will look. What's different between the Catacombs of Ur and The Undercity? Believe it or not, they're both gray, so they both look like concrete. How exciting.
The final area/boss fight is the only place to introduce color, and while the juxtaposition obviously has an effect, I think it just looks incredible with that magma-colored flair. I feel this could have been done in other areas (with different colors) and the game still would have been just as annoyingly edgy. You don't just croak, here: the Grim Reaper flies by and slices your head off every time you die and text reminds you that you're “Unworthy”. You can add some green to Thornvale and trust me: your game will still be “dark”.
The game encourages multiple playthroughs and I'm not sure I'm masochistic enough to do the secret ending. For me, when a game is hard, it'll roadblock you for a while yet when you do conquer that boss, you feel like you earned something. I never felt that “reward” sensation here, it just meant the game wasn't over yet and there was more shit to get through. Beating the game didn't have me feel complete, it was more like a bittered relief.
I did like the Soulflame Gauntlets as a weapon, though. In a game where you are more mobile, they'd be really fun. They're wasted here.
I do not recommend Unworthy.
2023
Death in the Water 2 is shit. The audio/visual experience is a pretty good one, making it a very shiny turd, however your nose will not be fooled. This sucks.
When you launch the “””story”””, some text tells you it was made by two people. Well congrats, fellas, cause your game looks really good. The sharks/snakes/sirens look good, the blood effects are nice 'n' murky, I like how the reticle moves in sync with the bobbing of the guns/swaying of your arms, and when you bump into things you'll hear that scratchy sound you find in diving videos. The ever-so-slight delay with your actions as your character has to actually turn in water feels realistic and not overly sluggish; a tough balance to strike. The presentation is very commendable.
And that's it.
There's not much of a plot to speak of because it never changes what you'll be doing: you're in the water, a woman on the radio says “Go over there,” so you do, you collect three or four treasure chests, and then you fight off rabid creatures, over and over again. A Kraken is making the wildlife go a little whacky and attack you after it unleashes an “Inception”-style BRAAAAM. In the beginning, this is like five easy sharks. In the end, its a few dozen sharks (who are now as durable as a bus), snakes, and sirens. Plus it gets so dark and cloudy you can barely see ahead for each level's end. It's very tedious and the only challenges are not running out of ammo (pretty easy) and not falling asleep at your desk (impossible).
The levels follow this pattern ad nauseam. The final level is the only break, but it's just skipping the gold gathering and going right to the swarm, now with a Kraken harpoon-sponge swimming around way too fast in addition to the dickhead fish. You don't even get to watch it die.
Something that pissed me off: there are treasure chests and supply chests. Supply chests drop ammo and, rarely, health kits. I beat this game in two sittings, and when I chose “Save and exit” after Dive 11, I figured it would... you know, save my shit? Like my accrued combo and my dozen health kits, both of which have been carrying over into the next missions? Apparently I'm a moron cause no, it saved nothing except which level I was on. There is no 'Mission Select' so that was as good as it got and I guess I was lucky to even get that. Awesome. I considered abandoning the game after this plus in a later dive being stabbed to death by a siren (hit-hit-hit, she cheated), having to restart the entire thing, it just brought me to the edge of patience. I pushed through and was rewarded with nothing. Double awesome.
There's a Challenge Mode with terrible scaling, where in two minutes you're already swarmed and pissed off, still stuck with the slow harpoon. It won't keep you coming back and, like the campaign, it's a waste of your life.
I do not recommend Death in the Water 2. Happy 2024.
When you launch the “””story”””, some text tells you it was made by two people. Well congrats, fellas, cause your game looks really good. The sharks/snakes/sirens look good, the blood effects are nice 'n' murky, I like how the reticle moves in sync with the bobbing of the guns/swaying of your arms, and when you bump into things you'll hear that scratchy sound you find in diving videos. The ever-so-slight delay with your actions as your character has to actually turn in water feels realistic and not overly sluggish; a tough balance to strike. The presentation is very commendable.
And that's it.
There's not much of a plot to speak of because it never changes what you'll be doing: you're in the water, a woman on the radio says “Go over there,” so you do, you collect three or four treasure chests, and then you fight off rabid creatures, over and over again. A Kraken is making the wildlife go a little whacky and attack you after it unleashes an “Inception”-style BRAAAAM. In the beginning, this is like five easy sharks. In the end, its a few dozen sharks (who are now as durable as a bus), snakes, and sirens. Plus it gets so dark and cloudy you can barely see ahead for each level's end. It's very tedious and the only challenges are not running out of ammo (pretty easy) and not falling asleep at your desk (impossible).
The levels follow this pattern ad nauseam. The final level is the only break, but it's just skipping the gold gathering and going right to the swarm, now with a Kraken harpoon-sponge swimming around way too fast in addition to the dickhead fish. You don't even get to watch it die.
Something that pissed me off: there are treasure chests and supply chests. Supply chests drop ammo and, rarely, health kits. I beat this game in two sittings, and when I chose “Save and exit” after Dive 11, I figured it would... you know, save my shit? Like my accrued combo and my dozen health kits, both of which have been carrying over into the next missions? Apparently I'm a moron cause no, it saved nothing except which level I was on. There is no 'Mission Select' so that was as good as it got and I guess I was lucky to even get that. Awesome. I considered abandoning the game after this plus in a later dive being stabbed to death by a siren (hit-hit-hit, she cheated), having to restart the entire thing, it just brought me to the edge of patience. I pushed through and was rewarded with nothing. Double awesome.
There's a Challenge Mode with terrible scaling, where in two minutes you're already swarmed and pissed off, still stuck with the slow harpoon. It won't keep you coming back and, like the campaign, it's a waste of your life.
I do not recommend Death in the Water 2. Happy 2024.
2023
Jusant: I was pretty bored a lot of the time here as the climbing is very linear and comically forgiving should you (somehow) mess up. That said, Jusant is definitely a pretty game with a few fun bursts spread across its short story, but I don't think it's worth the trip.
This game is designed in such a way that speaking ill of it almost automatically makes me a bad person; Jusant is cute in its art style, sound effects, music, and even goes for a lil' tearjerker ending, so how can I hate it? Well, I don't hate it, but I'd be lying if I said this game had me engaged for even half of it. The decision to make a Journey-derivative game with even less going on was not a very wise move, I'd say.
I think the most fun I had with Jusant was seeing the abandoned homes, farms, marketplaces, restaurants, and hideaways, then letting my imagination kind of run wild with “What did this place look like when it thrived?” The game has seashells for your gal to listen to, hearing echos of the past. While visually you'll see an empty kitchen, you may hear a kettle being brought to a boil. Maybe there's a notebook and you can hear scribbling and a child humming. Despite the bright and cartoon-y visuals, there's a bleakness to it all and I loved the atmosphere. With how disconnected you are from this place by merely being still alive, you may as well be an alien to this world. While obviously MUCH lighter than the book, I am reading “The Road” right now and Jusant managed to remind me of that. The world has gone dark and you're just a stubborn ember, painfully remembering what once was, and only continuing to push onward because it's what's familiar to you.
But that was just a small part of my soup-consistency brain. The actual game has you doing very little, you'll only ever be climbing and if you're conscious, you can't really mess this up. Does the game toss variations your way? Yes, barely: there's a sunny area where your stamina drains faster and plants (that serve as handles) die rapidly; a windy place where your stamina drains faster when you're in the heavy storms; a snowy place where the game finally stops holding your hand mere minutes before the end but the snow does nothing. That's it. Each environmental “challenge” felt super brief and underutilized, especially the wind. The gusts were so infrequent and minor that I didn't even change my gameplay style at all and was just fine.
Also, you are out of your mind if you think I am reading every single note you pick up in this game. It's just way, way too much. I'm not averse to reading; I've read “Infinite Jest” and will forever brag about that feat whenever possible, but I'm not reading the novelization of Jusant. After picking up a couple'a notes and realizing they were all going to be that long, I was skipping through all the others. I don't know why I bothered picking them up. I'm just such a gamer, mom!
Anyways: the game is thankfully short, like barely longer than it took you to read my rambling thoughts here. I didn't despise Jusant, but I feel like this game is just cute-but-formulaic junk food for your brain. Maybe had I popped an edible this would have been a better experience, but that sounds like cheating to me. Painfully sober and pretty bored, unfortunately.
I don't recommend Jusant.
This game is designed in such a way that speaking ill of it almost automatically makes me a bad person; Jusant is cute in its art style, sound effects, music, and even goes for a lil' tearjerker ending, so how can I hate it? Well, I don't hate it, but I'd be lying if I said this game had me engaged for even half of it. The decision to make a Journey-derivative game with even less going on was not a very wise move, I'd say.
I think the most fun I had with Jusant was seeing the abandoned homes, farms, marketplaces, restaurants, and hideaways, then letting my imagination kind of run wild with “What did this place look like when it thrived?” The game has seashells for your gal to listen to, hearing echos of the past. While visually you'll see an empty kitchen, you may hear a kettle being brought to a boil. Maybe there's a notebook and you can hear scribbling and a child humming. Despite the bright and cartoon-y visuals, there's a bleakness to it all and I loved the atmosphere. With how disconnected you are from this place by merely being still alive, you may as well be an alien to this world. While obviously MUCH lighter than the book, I am reading “The Road” right now and Jusant managed to remind me of that. The world has gone dark and you're just a stubborn ember, painfully remembering what once was, and only continuing to push onward because it's what's familiar to you.
But that was just a small part of my soup-consistency brain. The actual game has you doing very little, you'll only ever be climbing and if you're conscious, you can't really mess this up. Does the game toss variations your way? Yes, barely: there's a sunny area where your stamina drains faster and plants (that serve as handles) die rapidly; a windy place where your stamina drains faster when you're in the heavy storms; a snowy place where the game finally stops holding your hand mere minutes before the end but the snow does nothing. That's it. Each environmental “challenge” felt super brief and underutilized, especially the wind. The gusts were so infrequent and minor that I didn't even change my gameplay style at all and was just fine.
Also, you are out of your mind if you think I am reading every single note you pick up in this game. It's just way, way too much. I'm not averse to reading; I've read “Infinite Jest” and will forever brag about that feat whenever possible, but I'm not reading the novelization of Jusant. After picking up a couple'a notes and realizing they were all going to be that long, I was skipping through all the others. I don't know why I bothered picking them up. I'm just such a gamer, mom!
Anyways: the game is thankfully short, like barely longer than it took you to read my rambling thoughts here. I didn't despise Jusant, but I feel like this game is just cute-but-formulaic junk food for your brain. Maybe had I popped an edible this would have been a better experience, but that sounds like cheating to me. Painfully sober and pretty bored, unfortunately.
I don't recommend Jusant.
2023
RoboCop: Rogue City: It's kind of fun brutalizing Detroit's “creeps” but the game is simply too long for something that never changes the pattern at all, not even so much as a difficulty bump. You will shoot every single enemy in the face and none of the “RPG” elements feel very rewarding to participate in. It's you and your overpowered pistol for the entire stiff campaign. I'm glad Peter Weller was able to return, though.
In RoboCop, every single enemy will have you shooting them in the mouth. Since there's no cover system and RoboCop can't even crouch, from the beginning until the end you will do your best to murder everyone in the room quickly with an easy headshot. Eventually they wear helmets, but guess what? You're still aiming at their head until that helmet falls off and you spray their brains across the wall. That armor is the only variation you're really going to come across all game. There are boss fights, but these are terrible segments and thankfully they're infrequent.
You can pick up a second weapon, but they all suck compared to your pistol (once upgraded), so they're just clutter. Your punch doesn't even use the needle in RoboCop's hand, it could have looked like the sick animation used in Republic Commando. Big time wasted potential.
You can unlock a few abilities: stun, dash, slowmo, and a shield. The stun was useless against far enemies and even those closeby didn't always react to it. The shield and slowmo just serve their purpose of helping you heal less, and dash is only good for traversal and getting to the next shootout faster. It feels like quite the boring step down after having just beat Sekiro again.
Now, I'm not some peaceable flower: I agree with Quentin Tarantino's stance and the gruesome, graphic violence is, indeed, fun. The problem is it's so brain-dead here that you gotta keep this kind of game relatively short, because it's definitely not fun forever. While not as bad, I did eventually encounter the same repetitive and lifeless feeling I got from Dead Island 2, though I gave up on that and was able to finish RoboCop.
The only other big flavor here is the comedic tone. It follows the movie's mocking dystopia very well and satirizes corporate America easily, RoboCop's entire predicament is still a body-horror nightmare, and it's funny that he'll blow holes in someone's son but won't ever be caught swearing. It's all pretty good and well done, I think, but the writing isn't enough to keep you entertained all the time; a good chunk of this game is just walking around Detroit as RoboCop who is known for his lack of mobility. There are long stretches of this game where you'll just listen to his thudding footsteps, sighing when you see an objective is over 100 meters away. You can't use your dash ability in the city to speed things up as you're not in combat.
You can make some choices, but they're pretty lousy and make me wonder why they bothered. Will Mills or Kuzak be mayor? You can decide, but you won't like either option. Will you help the reporter? You'd be stupid not to, there's experience in it for you and OCP, your owner, sucks and deserves the investigation. Stuff like this, nothing too exciting.
RoboCop is mediocre, and the praise I'm seeing for this game confuses me. I guess it's good to see Teyon make a “good” game after being known for duds, but I think this game would only be truly deserving of the praise if it was released in 2009.
I do not recommend RoboCop: Rogue City, though there were worse releases this year for sure.
In RoboCop, every single enemy will have you shooting them in the mouth. Since there's no cover system and RoboCop can't even crouch, from the beginning until the end you will do your best to murder everyone in the room quickly with an easy headshot. Eventually they wear helmets, but guess what? You're still aiming at their head until that helmet falls off and you spray their brains across the wall. That armor is the only variation you're really going to come across all game. There are boss fights, but these are terrible segments and thankfully they're infrequent.
You can pick up a second weapon, but they all suck compared to your pistol (once upgraded), so they're just clutter. Your punch doesn't even use the needle in RoboCop's hand, it could have looked like the sick animation used in Republic Commando. Big time wasted potential.
You can unlock a few abilities: stun, dash, slowmo, and a shield. The stun was useless against far enemies and even those closeby didn't always react to it. The shield and slowmo just serve their purpose of helping you heal less, and dash is only good for traversal and getting to the next shootout faster. It feels like quite the boring step down after having just beat Sekiro again.
Now, I'm not some peaceable flower: I agree with Quentin Tarantino's stance and the gruesome, graphic violence is, indeed, fun. The problem is it's so brain-dead here that you gotta keep this kind of game relatively short, because it's definitely not fun forever. While not as bad, I did eventually encounter the same repetitive and lifeless feeling I got from Dead Island 2, though I gave up on that and was able to finish RoboCop.
The only other big flavor here is the comedic tone. It follows the movie's mocking dystopia very well and satirizes corporate America easily, RoboCop's entire predicament is still a body-horror nightmare, and it's funny that he'll blow holes in someone's son but won't ever be caught swearing. It's all pretty good and well done, I think, but the writing isn't enough to keep you entertained all the time; a good chunk of this game is just walking around Detroit as RoboCop who is known for his lack of mobility. There are long stretches of this game where you'll just listen to his thudding footsteps, sighing when you see an objective is over 100 meters away. You can't use your dash ability in the city to speed things up as you're not in combat.
You can make some choices, but they're pretty lousy and make me wonder why they bothered. Will Mills or Kuzak be mayor? You can decide, but you won't like either option. Will you help the reporter? You'd be stupid not to, there's experience in it for you and OCP, your owner, sucks and deserves the investigation. Stuff like this, nothing too exciting.
RoboCop is mediocre, and the praise I'm seeing for this game confuses me. I guess it's good to see Teyon make a “good” game after being known for duds, but I think this game would only be truly deserving of the praise if it was released in 2009.
I do not recommend RoboCop: Rogue City, though there were worse releases this year for sure.
2023
Killer Frequency: Short yet I wish it was shorter, Killer Frequency is a game that I think sounds a lot better on paper than it plays in reality. Perhaps, as others have pointed out, the biggest problem is the game's indecisiveness of its tone.
The game opens with a brief tutorial of how to pick stuff up before you're murdered! A spooky lil' jumpscare and then you're in the studio as Forrest Nash, a has-been radio DJ now shouting over the airwaves of Bumfuck, Nowhere. Peggy (producer/sidekick) and Forrest will now be the world's most useless 911 team as the town has no police, no ambulance, and no firefighters able to respond to anything. If this was the real world, you've has just been given the duty of listening to people die, accompanying them briefly as they leave their mortal coil behind to see the Great Unknown.
But it's a game! There's a serial killer on the loose and you're going to miraculously help people out of sticky jamz, freeing them outta death's grasp before tossing on a new vinyl record for their listening pleasure. Give people the right advice and they live, mess up even slightly and somebody's dying, babydoll. Better pay attention and actually read your notes.
There's just never a lot of fun, here. You pick prompts and if you're a savescumming bastard like me, nobody is going to die, though if you pay attention this won't be that tough. You also shoot paper basketballs from your desk into a trashcan across the room and the game tracks this. I had about 400 by the time the game ended a few hours later: that's how little is happening.
Peggy and Forrest have a good relationship and their actors are believable, but it's weird how the game flip-flops between poking fun of its inspirations and being deadly serious. The story of the town's killer, The Whistling Man, is very childish and during the final climax when all is being revealed, you won't care as that last phone call drags on. The name sucks, the outfit is uninspired, and even his whistling stops being “scary” and starts to just make you sigh when you hear it through the phone.
Maybe keep the murders visceral but just go over the top with everything else? Forrest getting all slow and therapist-y with the killer at the end is so painful to hear, I'd call it undeservedly sentimental. And that last twist: wow, it's nothing!
Your soundbound effects change nothing as callers won't care if you make fun of them on the air (while a serial killer hunts them, mind you). I guess I didn't care, either.
I drunkenly started watching “Pontypool” one night years ago and never finished it. I imagine that movie is better than this game. If you want that vibe, or whatever vibe you think you'll get when you're checking out the Steam screenshots, just watch “Pontypool”, I guess.
I do not recommend Killer Frequency.
The game opens with a brief tutorial of how to pick stuff up before you're murdered! A spooky lil' jumpscare and then you're in the studio as Forrest Nash, a has-been radio DJ now shouting over the airwaves of Bumfuck, Nowhere. Peggy (producer/sidekick) and Forrest will now be the world's most useless 911 team as the town has no police, no ambulance, and no firefighters able to respond to anything. If this was the real world, you've has just been given the duty of listening to people die, accompanying them briefly as they leave their mortal coil behind to see the Great Unknown.
But it's a game! There's a serial killer on the loose and you're going to miraculously help people out of sticky jamz, freeing them outta death's grasp before tossing on a new vinyl record for their listening pleasure. Give people the right advice and they live, mess up even slightly and somebody's dying, babydoll. Better pay attention and actually read your notes.
There's just never a lot of fun, here. You pick prompts and if you're a savescumming bastard like me, nobody is going to die, though if you pay attention this won't be that tough. You also shoot paper basketballs from your desk into a trashcan across the room and the game tracks this. I had about 400 by the time the game ended a few hours later: that's how little is happening.
Peggy and Forrest have a good relationship and their actors are believable, but it's weird how the game flip-flops between poking fun of its inspirations and being deadly serious. The story of the town's killer, The Whistling Man, is very childish and during the final climax when all is being revealed, you won't care as that last phone call drags on. The name sucks, the outfit is uninspired, and even his whistling stops being “scary” and starts to just make you sigh when you hear it through the phone.
Maybe keep the murders visceral but just go over the top with everything else? Forrest getting all slow and therapist-y with the killer at the end is so painful to hear, I'd call it undeservedly sentimental. And that last twist: wow, it's nothing!
Your soundbound effects change nothing as callers won't care if you make fun of them on the air (while a serial killer hunts them, mind you). I guess I didn't care, either.
I drunkenly started watching “Pontypool” one night years ago and never finished it. I imagine that movie is better than this game. If you want that vibe, or whatever vibe you think you'll get when you're checking out the Steam screenshots, just watch “Pontypool”, I guess.
I do not recommend Killer Frequency.
2023
The Exit 8 will take you only a couple minutes to beat, though you're encouraged to go back and see the other anomalies you missed on your first go at it. It's "Spot the difference" where if things look good, you go ahead. They don't? Turn around.
There's like 30 anomalies to see, some are creative and spooky, others are just lame. I got four of the best ones on my first playthrough, so going for more loops had me pretty disappointed.
Is it worth buying? I don't think so. There's a nine minute YouTube video that'll show you every anomaly including "dying" to them, so literally the entire game. Admittedly, it's less scary watching someone else go through it, but it's also free. Even at $4, I'd say this is just kind of neat but totally skippable.
I do not recommend The Exit 8.
There's like 30 anomalies to see, some are creative and spooky, others are just lame. I got four of the best ones on my first playthrough, so going for more loops had me pretty disappointed.
Is it worth buying? I don't think so. There's a nine minute YouTube video that'll show you every anomaly including "dying" to them, so literally the entire game. Admittedly, it's less scary watching someone else go through it, but it's also free. Even at $4, I'd say this is just kind of neat but totally skippable.
I do not recommend The Exit 8.
Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice: I think Sekiro offers a unique and perfect gaming experience that all fans of the medium should try out. It's very hard for me to say what my “favorite” anything is, and while this answer is likely to change eventually, I think I'd consider Sekiro my favorite video game and I'm very thankful for the journey it provides.
I like starting off with the negatives so I'll say I don't think Sekiro is actually perfect, of course there are flaws. However, I think they're so minor that with everything favorable Sekiro has going for it, they're basically washed away into obscurity. I'm talking stuff like “Why is the last Sculptor Idol that far from the final boss?”, “Why doesn't the game let you close to desktop?”, and “Why isn't it just “Sekiro”, what's with the “Shadows Die Twice”?” Seriously, that minor.
I think Sekiro offers masterclass pacing/difficulty scaling, visuals, audio, characters, tone, worldbuilding, and enemy/boss variety. The strongest of these, no question, is the pacing/difficulty scaling. If you've played Sekiro or you browse any forum talking about when someone first started playing it, you will read the same thing over and over again: the moment this game 'clicked'. Thinking about it, I suppose almost every game can boast about this moment, but I've simply never felt it before anywhere else as I have with Sekiro.
To make a long story short: it was only on my third playthrough attempt, on the game's third year anniversary, that I actually felt the 'click' for myself. Up until then, I had brute-forced my way to pretty far in the game, but you'll hit a roadblock sooner or later that simply forces you to understand the game's system of being relentless. In the words of Isshin Ashina: “Hesitation is defeat.” You gotta get in there, attack until they're going to counter, and parry like a madman. Is Lady Butterfly starting to skip into the sky? You will PUNISH that with a shuriken, knock that broad flat on her ass. Is Genichiro jumping, preparing a chop? You're gonna PUNISH that by dodging to the side, getting a hit or two in, before Mikiri countering that idiot.
Every fight is a dance of death and every boss is an invitation-only ball. You don't know their moves yet, but you'll learn the jig and come out on top, giddy when you see SHINOBI EXECUTION on your screen. You earned it. I yelled, “PUNISHED!” at my monitor more times than I can count, and brother? It felt good.
For me, Sekiro was a journey that spanned years and multiple attempts. I always liked the atmosphere but it took me a long time to finally “get” it. Today, I beat my first charmless run and I felt like I actually accomplished a feat, something I don't feel as often as I'd like when I beat a game. I'm pretty confident that should anybody else give this game a go, they too will experience a journey different from just about any other game they've tried. Sekiro is something truly special to me.
I highly, highly recommend Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. It's a fantastic game. It goes on sale pretty frequently and is completely worth the $30. I'd love to see From Software delve back into this style!
I like starting off with the negatives so I'll say I don't think Sekiro is actually perfect, of course there are flaws. However, I think they're so minor that with everything favorable Sekiro has going for it, they're basically washed away into obscurity. I'm talking stuff like “Why is the last Sculptor Idol that far from the final boss?”, “Why doesn't the game let you close to desktop?”, and “Why isn't it just “Sekiro”, what's with the “Shadows Die Twice”?” Seriously, that minor.
I think Sekiro offers masterclass pacing/difficulty scaling, visuals, audio, characters, tone, worldbuilding, and enemy/boss variety. The strongest of these, no question, is the pacing/difficulty scaling. If you've played Sekiro or you browse any forum talking about when someone first started playing it, you will read the same thing over and over again: the moment this game 'clicked'. Thinking about it, I suppose almost every game can boast about this moment, but I've simply never felt it before anywhere else as I have with Sekiro.
To make a long story short: it was only on my third playthrough attempt, on the game's third year anniversary, that I actually felt the 'click' for myself. Up until then, I had brute-forced my way to pretty far in the game, but you'll hit a roadblock sooner or later that simply forces you to understand the game's system of being relentless. In the words of Isshin Ashina: “Hesitation is defeat.” You gotta get in there, attack until they're going to counter, and parry like a madman. Is Lady Butterfly starting to skip into the sky? You will PUNISH that with a shuriken, knock that broad flat on her ass. Is Genichiro jumping, preparing a chop? You're gonna PUNISH that by dodging to the side, getting a hit or two in, before Mikiri countering that idiot.
Every fight is a dance of death and every boss is an invitation-only ball. You don't know their moves yet, but you'll learn the jig and come out on top, giddy when you see SHINOBI EXECUTION on your screen. You earned it. I yelled, “PUNISHED!” at my monitor more times than I can count, and brother? It felt good.
For me, Sekiro was a journey that spanned years and multiple attempts. I always liked the atmosphere but it took me a long time to finally “get” it. Today, I beat my first charmless run and I felt like I actually accomplished a feat, something I don't feel as often as I'd like when I beat a game. I'm pretty confident that should anybody else give this game a go, they too will experience a journey different from just about any other game they've tried. Sekiro is something truly special to me.
I highly, highly recommend Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. It's a fantastic game. It goes on sale pretty frequently and is completely worth the $30. I'd love to see From Software delve back into this style!
Time Bandit: Part 1 - Appendages of the Machine: Some neat concepts in a game purposefully designed to waste your time as much as possible (“All games are a waste of time,” fine, but not like this). Even if you agree with the heavy-handed political messages, you're sure to find them overbearing and obnoxious, especially when it's all padding around waiting, waiting, and more waiting.
You know how in Ocarina of Time, King Zora took forever to scoot out of the way so you could get behind him? Imagine if that was an entire video game. That's Time Bandit.
Literally the first thing the game does is waste your time. You watch a woman ride in an elevator which stops to pick up slow-moving, crystalline business people and stops again to let them off, one of them tarrying for no reason. When the woman gets to the top floor, the screen flips to a clock to show you time passing by, before she walks to her desk to boot up a slow-loading Windows 95. Then there's a brief and well-done tutorial of her flipping through a couple of games before you're launched into (I believe they're unnamed, so:) Company's orientation process.
You learn you're supposed to push boxes to get to crystals, the puzzle portion of this game. Each box takes half an hour of real time to move one space. If it's a trash pile which can't be pushed? Compacting it also takes half an hour before you can push it, which is still thirty minutes. “That's the point, it's wasting your time intentionally!” Okay, and? Why does that make it good? It's still successfully wasting your time if these actions only took ten minutes, just less excessively. Or is it better if it takes longer? Why not take an hour per action?
Your character only has something like thirty minutes (less, when active) of energy at a time. To fill it all the way back up, they need eight hours of real time rest. Hardy har har.
Again, the game is very political. I'm not a Communist because I live in the real world, yet there's no denying the power of collective bargaining and I'm fully aware that corporations LOVE to recklessly exploit anything and everything when given the opportunity. So despite me agreeing with portions of the rhetoric, I still found the conversations about it all to be dull and too lengthy. You're jumping into this game, a game clearly meant to be played for like fifteen minutes at a time, and in the middle of your trip to the facility you're locked in a long codec call with someone lecturing you about the pitfalls of automation for the working class. At least when your boss calls you to be an asshole, it's brief (and usually funny).
As someone who recently started working again, I definitely think it's good to ask yourself about your time spent at work and what you're getting for it. This game, in a nutshell, wants you to ask yourself that exact question. The problem is: once you're on that road, one of the next logical questions is “Why am I wasting my free time playing a game that intentionally makes things a hassle?” Certainly not for the flashy, impressive cutscenes; this game is clearly done in the spirit of the original Metal Gear Solid (it has its own Solid Snake) and looks just as old.
Despite the low fidelity, I found many areas caused a bizarre frame rate drop. I once loaded the game where I had left it (in my apartment), only to have my character go to court for the crime of trespassing... which, admittedly, I had just been doing, but I wasn't caught. I also had a codec call start while I was being run over by a minecart, which kept the camera stationary while my character moved around, forcing me to quit and restart the game while in the facility and go to jail for it. Jail is a twelve hour wait, by the way.
Lots of bads, I'd say. The goods? I actually like the MGS visuals, there's a charm in the simplicity (but why is the performance so lousy?). I liked the puzzles, especially the minecart section (but everything takes way too long for no payoff and the ending is a “To be continued” screen). I liked the occasional humor (when it wasn't at my expense). Hidden crystals in town was a good idea.
Eventually, I followed the dev's own personal guide (on the Steam discussions) of how to beat the clock. Frankly, you'd be stupid not to. There's even an achievement for booting up the game ten years later, I think they want you messing with your computer's time settings. I was able to sell all my crystals to the union and find the hidden ones around the city on my own, so I think I did well and do not feel bad about “cheating”.
I think it's wild that a game this deliberately annoying would have the gall to ask you to be excited (and wait some more!) for Part 2. I'm happy I supported a creative dude who, judging by his contributions in the Steam discussions, seems to be really considerate. However, this game is simply not a good game; it's a chore structured like a second job and there's no reward for your efforts. I highly doubt any of its structure can be changed much for Part 2 without making Part 1 look even more laborious, so I am not looking forward to it. I think I've served my time.
I wish Joel Jordan the best of luck on whatever comes after Time Bandit is through.
I do not recommend Time Bandit.
You know how in Ocarina of Time, King Zora took forever to scoot out of the way so you could get behind him? Imagine if that was an entire video game. That's Time Bandit.
Literally the first thing the game does is waste your time. You watch a woman ride in an elevator which stops to pick up slow-moving, crystalline business people and stops again to let them off, one of them tarrying for no reason. When the woman gets to the top floor, the screen flips to a clock to show you time passing by, before she walks to her desk to boot up a slow-loading Windows 95. Then there's a brief and well-done tutorial of her flipping through a couple of games before you're launched into (I believe they're unnamed, so:) Company's orientation process.
You learn you're supposed to push boxes to get to crystals, the puzzle portion of this game. Each box takes half an hour of real time to move one space. If it's a trash pile which can't be pushed? Compacting it also takes half an hour before you can push it, which is still thirty minutes. “That's the point, it's wasting your time intentionally!” Okay, and? Why does that make it good? It's still successfully wasting your time if these actions only took ten minutes, just less excessively. Or is it better if it takes longer? Why not take an hour per action?
Your character only has something like thirty minutes (less, when active) of energy at a time. To fill it all the way back up, they need eight hours of real time rest. Hardy har har.
Again, the game is very political. I'm not a Communist because I live in the real world, yet there's no denying the power of collective bargaining and I'm fully aware that corporations LOVE to recklessly exploit anything and everything when given the opportunity. So despite me agreeing with portions of the rhetoric, I still found the conversations about it all to be dull and too lengthy. You're jumping into this game, a game clearly meant to be played for like fifteen minutes at a time, and in the middle of your trip to the facility you're locked in a long codec call with someone lecturing you about the pitfalls of automation for the working class. At least when your boss calls you to be an asshole, it's brief (and usually funny).
As someone who recently started working again, I definitely think it's good to ask yourself about your time spent at work and what you're getting for it. This game, in a nutshell, wants you to ask yourself that exact question. The problem is: once you're on that road, one of the next logical questions is “Why am I wasting my free time playing a game that intentionally makes things a hassle?” Certainly not for the flashy, impressive cutscenes; this game is clearly done in the spirit of the original Metal Gear Solid (it has its own Solid Snake) and looks just as old.
Despite the low fidelity, I found many areas caused a bizarre frame rate drop. I once loaded the game where I had left it (in my apartment), only to have my character go to court for the crime of trespassing... which, admittedly, I had just been doing, but I wasn't caught. I also had a codec call start while I was being run over by a minecart, which kept the camera stationary while my character moved around, forcing me to quit and restart the game while in the facility and go to jail for it. Jail is a twelve hour wait, by the way.
Lots of bads, I'd say. The goods? I actually like the MGS visuals, there's a charm in the simplicity (but why is the performance so lousy?). I liked the puzzles, especially the minecart section (but everything takes way too long for no payoff and the ending is a “To be continued” screen). I liked the occasional humor (when it wasn't at my expense). Hidden crystals in town was a good idea.
Eventually, I followed the dev's own personal guide (on the Steam discussions) of how to beat the clock. Frankly, you'd be stupid not to. There's even an achievement for booting up the game ten years later, I think they want you messing with your computer's time settings. I was able to sell all my crystals to the union and find the hidden ones around the city on my own, so I think I did well and do not feel bad about “cheating”.
I think it's wild that a game this deliberately annoying would have the gall to ask you to be excited (and wait some more!) for Part 2. I'm happy I supported a creative dude who, judging by his contributions in the Steam discussions, seems to be really considerate. However, this game is simply not a good game; it's a chore structured like a second job and there's no reward for your efforts. I highly doubt any of its structure can be changed much for Part 2 without making Part 1 look even more laborious, so I am not looking forward to it. I think I've served my time.
I wish Joel Jordan the best of luck on whatever comes after Time Bandit is through.
I do not recommend Time Bandit.
2023
Lies of P: “Bloodborne never ever,” maybe, but at least we can play this on the PC. If you've played Sekiro and Bloodborne and are sick of bouncing between the two to cover whatever itch those scratch, consider Lies of P. People have actually made Pinocchio cool in 2023 which is no easy feat, they deserve some attention.
The titular lying is what drives the story: are you going to be a good boy or a naughty lad? If you ask me, it's barely a choice as the game clearly wants you to lie at every possible chance; lying will literally tell you something is changing inside of you and Pinocchio physically reacts while telling the truth will just give you a big, fat goose egg. It's also in the title. Kind of a no-brainer.
Lies of P really shines in its gameplay. It is clearly trying to mimic the previously mentioned FromSoftware games and that is totally fine with me because it does a great job: combat is fast, feels tense, and is as punishing as it is rewarding. The game has a parrying mechanic that is pretty tough to master as the window for a perfect parry is extremely narrow. Miss it, and you'll merely block the hit, reducing damage by about half and letting you catch some of it back by hitting them (just like in Bloodborne). Again, if you're looking for something that'll have you parrying like a one-armed Wolf, this game is worth trying out. It's on Game Pass if you got it and feel like getting good.
So it's just a copycat, then? For the most part, yeah, and the few things unique to this game definitely aren't its strongest aspects. You can create your own weapons as every weapon (aside from unique boss weapons) can be broken down into its head and handle and early on you'll be able to swap them around as you see fit. This basically lets you change the move set for any weapon. I never really experimented with this and while I may have “missed out”, I was able to beat the game perfectly fine without it. At a certain point, the number of options is so overwhelming that just sitting there and trying out loads of combinations seemed like too burdensome a task. I used four weapons, two of which were boss weapons and therefore uncustomizable. I'm sure there're cool combo options out there, but I didn't care to find them because the Two Dragons Sword kicks too much ass.
There's a weapon durability system that will have your weapon get destroyed and repaired in real time, requiring you to fix it in a boss battle where you're parrying a lot. I guess this is unique, too, but I don't think it's a strong feature. It's cool that it eventually doubles as a way for you to throw fire, lightning, or some similar ability on your weapon once per Stargazer (bonfire) visit. The customizable Wishing Stone offers you lots of choices of buffs, but half of them are worthless and they're pretty expensive to replace, making you less likely to even use the good ones for fear of “wasting” them.
The world of Krat is a pretty one, even if the amount of texture pop-in in this game is wild. Pinocchio's story is somewhat compelling and interesting, offering a more clear plot than something like Dark Souls and even does a great kindness to players by showing them the characters who have something new to say and where they are. The enemy variety is pretty good, with infected humans and crazed puppets at least having enough visual changes to keep new areas feeling fresh.
Overall, I had a really good time with Lies of P. It took me about 30 hours to beat it, and I'll admit I think the last couple hours were probably the worst stretch of it. By that point, I was simply ready for it to be over and the last area you're in is the least visually interesting and its looping, operatic background song is pretty grating. Still, it's only “bad” comparatively, I don't think it's horribly offensive or anything.
If this is the first entry in a series, as the last cutscene implies, I think it is a very strong start and I hope things only get better.
I recommend Lies of P.
The titular lying is what drives the story: are you going to be a good boy or a naughty lad? If you ask me, it's barely a choice as the game clearly wants you to lie at every possible chance; lying will literally tell you something is changing inside of you and Pinocchio physically reacts while telling the truth will just give you a big, fat goose egg. It's also in the title. Kind of a no-brainer.
Lies of P really shines in its gameplay. It is clearly trying to mimic the previously mentioned FromSoftware games and that is totally fine with me because it does a great job: combat is fast, feels tense, and is as punishing as it is rewarding. The game has a parrying mechanic that is pretty tough to master as the window for a perfect parry is extremely narrow. Miss it, and you'll merely block the hit, reducing damage by about half and letting you catch some of it back by hitting them (just like in Bloodborne). Again, if you're looking for something that'll have you parrying like a one-armed Wolf, this game is worth trying out. It's on Game Pass if you got it and feel like getting good.
So it's just a copycat, then? For the most part, yeah, and the few things unique to this game definitely aren't its strongest aspects. You can create your own weapons as every weapon (aside from unique boss weapons) can be broken down into its head and handle and early on you'll be able to swap them around as you see fit. This basically lets you change the move set for any weapon. I never really experimented with this and while I may have “missed out”, I was able to beat the game perfectly fine without it. At a certain point, the number of options is so overwhelming that just sitting there and trying out loads of combinations seemed like too burdensome a task. I used four weapons, two of which were boss weapons and therefore uncustomizable. I'm sure there're cool combo options out there, but I didn't care to find them because the Two Dragons Sword kicks too much ass.
There's a weapon durability system that will have your weapon get destroyed and repaired in real time, requiring you to fix it in a boss battle where you're parrying a lot. I guess this is unique, too, but I don't think it's a strong feature. It's cool that it eventually doubles as a way for you to throw fire, lightning, or some similar ability on your weapon once per Stargazer (bonfire) visit. The customizable Wishing Stone offers you lots of choices of buffs, but half of them are worthless and they're pretty expensive to replace, making you less likely to even use the good ones for fear of “wasting” them.
The world of Krat is a pretty one, even if the amount of texture pop-in in this game is wild. Pinocchio's story is somewhat compelling and interesting, offering a more clear plot than something like Dark Souls and even does a great kindness to players by showing them the characters who have something new to say and where they are. The enemy variety is pretty good, with infected humans and crazed puppets at least having enough visual changes to keep new areas feeling fresh.
Overall, I had a really good time with Lies of P. It took me about 30 hours to beat it, and I'll admit I think the last couple hours were probably the worst stretch of it. By that point, I was simply ready for it to be over and the last area you're in is the least visually interesting and its looping, operatic background song is pretty grating. Still, it's only “bad” comparatively, I don't think it's horribly offensive or anything.
If this is the first entry in a series, as the last cutscene implies, I think it is a very strong start and I hope things only get better.
I recommend Lies of P.
2023
I think the best way to sum up Bethesda's effort with Starfield (other than just calling it “Fallout 4 in space”, which it is, but that's far from original at this point and I need to ramble) is to just look at the Red Mile quest.
In a space bar that's too dim yet hurts your eyes no matter where you look, a woman named Mei promises you certain death in “The Red Mile”; some challenge you won't remotely begin to fear because even at a measly level 12, you're slaughtering anything stupid enough to fight you. You follow her to the hype platform (which looks like the galaxy's cheapest VIP section), each step taking you closer to the annoying, looping music's source. It gets louder and louder and when Mei finally speaks into the microphone, she's almost fully drowned out by the shitty tune.
The gathering to see you off on this edge of your seat adventure is... four NPCs. When Mei is done riling up this “crowd” - who could fit in a Mini Cooper - three of them clap soundlessly. You can't even bet on yourself because that's just obviously free money. One patron goes to longingly gaze out the window, but it only reflects the room's interior. The reflection is missing almost all of the assets that should be there, including you and the would-be gazer himself. He doesn't seem to care.
The Red Mile itself is infested with the worst bulletsponge enemies you've seen yet and they'll concuss you with insta-explosion, toxic shit-bombs. They'll give a tease of experience per ammo-wasting kill. And you can get stunned really easily now! That was a smart choice for combat flow.
When I completed the “impossible” task of flipping a switch then running away from this horrid mess, Mei met with me in the world of blistering snow and no atmosphere to congratulate me while she wore no spacesuit. None of this surprises me, but people thinking highly of this absolutely blows my mind. The “I built a computer/bought a Series X for Starfield!” crowd almost disgusts me. Maybe Todd Howard is right, though, and all of this is my fault for not having a 4090 because I'm a dirt-coated peasant.
Bethesda knows how to make a video game, and you know this because they've made that same video game like four times now, and yet people still seem to clamor for more of the stale, sloppy mess. If this was your first ever Bethesda game, I could see someone enjoying this played out, buggy ride. I have friends who fall into this category, they'll get many hours out of Starfield. If you're familiar with Bethesda's work, though, you may say Starfield feels like one step forward and several steps back.
Is Starfield a bad game? Kind of, but I've played much worse. I wish I hadn't ever played Fallout 4 and had played this instead, but I can't go back and undo the hours which lead to the feeling of repetition. It is, beyond a doubt, comically sterile. “Space” doesn't really feel like space when it's just broken up into rooms, same as the Capital Wasteland or Skyrim. Whiterun was just a room and so is Mars, it's just a slightly nicer looking one. The trade for this visual upgrade is traveling anywhere is a bigger pain than ever before. “Space” is just a series of loading screens and animations you'll get sick of seeing immediately (thank god for mods).
The fact that you can see out of your ship's window is impressive to me, considering what they're working with. Just like I was “impressed” by Fallout 4 having real-time elevators (no longer in Starfield, and actually a good call as this saves you time). Modders, of course, swooped in immediately to fix stuff Bethesda should have already dealt with. How low is the bar for the multi-billion dollar company? The Ryujin "stealth" missions feel a college student's experiment, not "one of the most important RPGs ever made." (Xbox made this claim, not me.)
The best thing about Starfield is the return of the Adoring Fan. I cannot believe I just said that, but he rules and I'll stand by that forever. He has gifted me a plushie and a coffee mug and they're perfect. His voice actor still has it 100% down, each line brings me back to the fever-dream theater of Oblivion. If I can't have any innovation, I may as well at least get nostalgia. “My respect for you grows by the kilogram!” – This game's saving grace.
I do not recommend Starfield.
In a space bar that's too dim yet hurts your eyes no matter where you look, a woman named Mei promises you certain death in “The Red Mile”; some challenge you won't remotely begin to fear because even at a measly level 12, you're slaughtering anything stupid enough to fight you. You follow her to the hype platform (which looks like the galaxy's cheapest VIP section), each step taking you closer to the annoying, looping music's source. It gets louder and louder and when Mei finally speaks into the microphone, she's almost fully drowned out by the shitty tune.
The gathering to see you off on this edge of your seat adventure is... four NPCs. When Mei is done riling up this “crowd” - who could fit in a Mini Cooper - three of them clap soundlessly. You can't even bet on yourself because that's just obviously free money. One patron goes to longingly gaze out the window, but it only reflects the room's interior. The reflection is missing almost all of the assets that should be there, including you and the would-be gazer himself. He doesn't seem to care.
The Red Mile itself is infested with the worst bulletsponge enemies you've seen yet and they'll concuss you with insta-explosion, toxic shit-bombs. They'll give a tease of experience per ammo-wasting kill. And you can get stunned really easily now! That was a smart choice for combat flow.
When I completed the “impossible” task of flipping a switch then running away from this horrid mess, Mei met with me in the world of blistering snow and no atmosphere to congratulate me while she wore no spacesuit. None of this surprises me, but people thinking highly of this absolutely blows my mind. The “I built a computer/bought a Series X for Starfield!” crowd almost disgusts me. Maybe Todd Howard is right, though, and all of this is my fault for not having a 4090 because I'm a dirt-coated peasant.
Bethesda knows how to make a video game, and you know this because they've made that same video game like four times now, and yet people still seem to clamor for more of the stale, sloppy mess. If this was your first ever Bethesda game, I could see someone enjoying this played out, buggy ride. I have friends who fall into this category, they'll get many hours out of Starfield. If you're familiar with Bethesda's work, though, you may say Starfield feels like one step forward and several steps back.
Is Starfield a bad game? Kind of, but I've played much worse. I wish I hadn't ever played Fallout 4 and had played this instead, but I can't go back and undo the hours which lead to the feeling of repetition. It is, beyond a doubt, comically sterile. “Space” doesn't really feel like space when it's just broken up into rooms, same as the Capital Wasteland or Skyrim. Whiterun was just a room and so is Mars, it's just a slightly nicer looking one. The trade for this visual upgrade is traveling anywhere is a bigger pain than ever before. “Space” is just a series of loading screens and animations you'll get sick of seeing immediately (thank god for mods).
The fact that you can see out of your ship's window is impressive to me, considering what they're working with. Just like I was “impressed” by Fallout 4 having real-time elevators (no longer in Starfield, and actually a good call as this saves you time). Modders, of course, swooped in immediately to fix stuff Bethesda should have already dealt with. How low is the bar for the multi-billion dollar company? The Ryujin "stealth" missions feel a college student's experiment, not "one of the most important RPGs ever made." (Xbox made this claim, not me.)
The best thing about Starfield is the return of the Adoring Fan. I cannot believe I just said that, but he rules and I'll stand by that forever. He has gifted me a plushie and a coffee mug and they're perfect. His voice actor still has it 100% down, each line brings me back to the fever-dream theater of Oblivion. If I can't have any innovation, I may as well at least get nostalgia. “My respect for you grows by the kilogram!” – This game's saving grace.
I do not recommend Starfield.
2023
Every cat gets a name and its own achievement, so I can say "Damn you, Thibaut" because that was my final cat. The cats are blue once you've clicked them and scanning the picture for the last cat with dark blue blotches everywhere may bother your eyes. Maybe a lighter shade would have been a better choice, or inverting the color so they'd go black with white eyes?
It's a fun, simple game, but I think the music is likely playing in the cells of Guantanamo Bay.
Glad I went for it, it's free on Steam, you may as well try it for yourself.
It's a fun, simple game, but I think the music is likely playing in the cells of Guantanamo Bay.
Glad I went for it, it's free on Steam, you may as well try it for yourself.
2023
Gord: It's tough for me to say whether this game is unsure of what it's trying to be, or if it is sure and it simply fails on the execution. Regardless, I think Gord is a lousy mess that'll quickly get you sick of its micromanagement.
The Steam reviews have made it clear this game is divisive, and for the first couple missions I was rooting for Team Gord. I enjoyed the premise of making a small, fortified settlement (or a “gord”, a real word that clearly some dev randomly found and became fanatically attached to) and, once comfortable, exploring the area marked by the main quest marker. I thought I had the hang of things and wondered why people were upset enough to give it “Mixed” reviews on Steam. It didn't take too long to find out.
I was only a few missions in on the Normal difficulty (there's also Easy, Hard, and Permadeath) when it got annoying, and what I'd consider the biggest annoyance to be is the sanity system. Everybody in my gord was losing their fucking minds when nothing was happening (and things were actually slowly improving!) and apparently a prerequisite for living in a swamp is you've got to be an alcoholic. Just this sanity system requires you to watch a dozen yellow meters like a hawk, rotating citizens in and out of the meadery so they can get plastered enough to stave off the shakes and get back to fishing. They won't do that on their own, either: once they're hammered enough to be “normal”, they won't get back to work without you telling them to. The bar only sits two (maybe upgrades improve this, I won't be finding out), meaning keeping everybody as sane/drunk as possible is a constant problem needing frequent attention, and that's just one of the many.
Though the sanity is my biggest gripe, others in the reviews point out what is really the first problem: the fact that they want you building a circular settlement. It's good they offer you the choice to define the shape (so you can make a square), but through the tutorials, a circle-shaped base is what they hammer into you. It's basically a trap as every building is square shaped, of course, meaning squares in a circle is going to leave a lot of wasted space. You obviously don't want wasted space. What was the thought process here?
I didn't mind the combat (some seem to hate it), it's quite simple with ranged or melee units, though annoyingly you can only have people don the fighter garb if you have gold to pay for it. Having an “army” -- even if it's just one guy wearing a helmet -- means your gold is constantly draining to pay for this fierce warrior's service, even when that “service” is currently falling asleep in the healing baths. You're incentivized to cross-train your entire gord's population so that you only have an army when you expressly need them, otherwise they're draining gold and therefore a waste; sorry, Achilles, but scouting is slow and expensive for our growing gord. Get back to heroically pulling mushrooms.
This isn't even necessarily a huge problem, but it's yet another thing you need to micromanage.
I didn't get very far and I felt like these things were adding up to an experience I can only describe as “annoying” with a dash of “dull”. There's potential here, and apparently the devs are listening to the gripes of reviewers, but I already want to move on. Maybe I'll check this out down the road, but I'd be fine with never seeing it again, too. The gord life is miserable, the alcoholism makes total sense, now.
I do not recommend Gord.
The Steam reviews have made it clear this game is divisive, and for the first couple missions I was rooting for Team Gord. I enjoyed the premise of making a small, fortified settlement (or a “gord”, a real word that clearly some dev randomly found and became fanatically attached to) and, once comfortable, exploring the area marked by the main quest marker. I thought I had the hang of things and wondered why people were upset enough to give it “Mixed” reviews on Steam. It didn't take too long to find out.
I was only a few missions in on the Normal difficulty (there's also Easy, Hard, and Permadeath) when it got annoying, and what I'd consider the biggest annoyance to be is the sanity system. Everybody in my gord was losing their fucking minds when nothing was happening (and things were actually slowly improving!) and apparently a prerequisite for living in a swamp is you've got to be an alcoholic. Just this sanity system requires you to watch a dozen yellow meters like a hawk, rotating citizens in and out of the meadery so they can get plastered enough to stave off the shakes and get back to fishing. They won't do that on their own, either: once they're hammered enough to be “normal”, they won't get back to work without you telling them to. The bar only sits two (maybe upgrades improve this, I won't be finding out), meaning keeping everybody as sane/drunk as possible is a constant problem needing frequent attention, and that's just one of the many.
Though the sanity is my biggest gripe, others in the reviews point out what is really the first problem: the fact that they want you building a circular settlement. It's good they offer you the choice to define the shape (so you can make a square), but through the tutorials, a circle-shaped base is what they hammer into you. It's basically a trap as every building is square shaped, of course, meaning squares in a circle is going to leave a lot of wasted space. You obviously don't want wasted space. What was the thought process here?
I didn't mind the combat (some seem to hate it), it's quite simple with ranged or melee units, though annoyingly you can only have people don the fighter garb if you have gold to pay for it. Having an “army” -- even if it's just one guy wearing a helmet -- means your gold is constantly draining to pay for this fierce warrior's service, even when that “service” is currently falling asleep in the healing baths. You're incentivized to cross-train your entire gord's population so that you only have an army when you expressly need them, otherwise they're draining gold and therefore a waste; sorry, Achilles, but scouting is slow and expensive for our growing gord. Get back to heroically pulling mushrooms.
This isn't even necessarily a huge problem, but it's yet another thing you need to micromanage.
I didn't get very far and I felt like these things were adding up to an experience I can only describe as “annoying” with a dash of “dull”. There's potential here, and apparently the devs are listening to the gripes of reviewers, but I already want to move on. Maybe I'll check this out down the road, but I'd be fine with never seeing it again, too. The gord life is miserable, the alcoholism makes total sense, now.
I do not recommend Gord.