Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowjob has some of the most whack framerate I've ever seen out of an NES game, very confounding considering the game isn't really doing anything impressive in terms of graphics.
Bugs' offensive output is complete trash, his mallet has such short range that nine times out of ten the enemy you're trying to hit will also hit you at the same time. Anytime you're hit you can't use your mallet while under mercy invincibility which just feels like a lazy way for the devs to make sure you can't just sit on top of the bosses and mallet them constantly. Which is hilarious, because that situation could've been avoided by not making Bugs into a fucking tank when it comes to his HP. Seriously, Bugs can take so many hits I've run through plenty of sections without a second thought due to just how easy this game is along with the short stages in general.
Bonus games after every stage is also a bit much. The bingo game is okay and quickly over with, but the fucking whack-a-mole stage is tedious as shit to suffer through constantly. You'll get so many lives by the end of the game I guarantee you'll have at least 70 assuming you're not the most worthless human being when it comes to platformers, or have worse luck than a guy who gets attacked by a shark and a crocodile at the same time while getting struck by seventeen ice cream trucks in the same day.
You could do much worse on the NES, but you could also do a lot better.
Bugs' offensive output is complete trash, his mallet has such short range that nine times out of ten the enemy you're trying to hit will also hit you at the same time. Anytime you're hit you can't use your mallet while under mercy invincibility which just feels like a lazy way for the devs to make sure you can't just sit on top of the bosses and mallet them constantly. Which is hilarious, because that situation could've been avoided by not making Bugs into a fucking tank when it comes to his HP. Seriously, Bugs can take so many hits I've run through plenty of sections without a second thought due to just how easy this game is along with the short stages in general.
Bonus games after every stage is also a bit much. The bingo game is okay and quickly over with, but the fucking whack-a-mole stage is tedious as shit to suffer through constantly. You'll get so many lives by the end of the game I guarantee you'll have at least 70 assuming you're not the most worthless human being when it comes to platformers, or have worse luck than a guy who gets attacked by a shark and a crocodile at the same time while getting struck by seventeen ice cream trucks in the same day.
You could do much worse on the NES, but you could also do a lot better.
This has to be one of the ugliest looking fighters I've ever laid eyes on. Cheap looking pre-rendered sprites with some of the stiffest animation placed in front of what looks to be actual backgrounds from the 90s anime. It looks like complete shit, especially depressing since the SNES games looked fine.
The presentation isn't the only thing that makes me want to hurt myself either, some of the special moves have some of the longest windups and cooldowns I've ever seen. Wanna see Ami take five million instances of the ice age to finally throw a standard projectile? How about making breakfast in the time it takes Hotaru to throw up her Rugal reflector shield? It's embarrassing.
Going to this after playing the SNES games is like going from Third Strike to fucking Criticom.
The presentation isn't the only thing that makes me want to hurt myself either, some of the special moves have some of the longest windups and cooldowns I've ever seen. Wanna see Ami take five million instances of the ice age to finally throw a standard projectile? How about making breakfast in the time it takes Hotaru to throw up her Rugal reflector shield? It's embarrassing.
Going to this after playing the SNES games is like going from Third Strike to fucking Criticom.
1995
MSH is what started my unwavering love for fighting games regardless of whether they suck or don't.
The game is downright gorgeous to look at with some of the best stages and music in the entire series, my favorite probably being Wolverine's fight on a wooden bridge in the wilderness that slowly breaks over the course of the match and falls into a river. Another memorable one for me is fighting Dr. Doom in his sub that ascends to the surface as the fight goes on.
The console ports are also...surprisingly decent? I revisited both the Saturn and PS1 ports recently and the PS1 version is completely playable despite the missing animations and long load times, though of course the Saturn port with the ram cart reigns supreme with MOST of the animation restored. Blackheart's real walking animation from the arcade game is still sadly absent probably due to his huge sprite. It is strange though how much slowdown is added when you use the 3 MB option, so maybe it's best to keep the option off if you want the gameplay to be more fluid.
Speaking of, it may seem odd that Shuma-Gorath and Blackheart are in this game but god they look so cool in action. The fact that X-Men take up nearly half the playable roster feels crappy, but considering it was basically the hottest Marvel series next to Spider-Man at the time and allowed for asset reuse it's not terribly surprising, plus we got to use the two bosses from Children of the Atom. So who cares?
Shuma-Gorath should be in every Marvel crossover game, he kicks ass.
The game is downright gorgeous to look at with some of the best stages and music in the entire series, my favorite probably being Wolverine's fight on a wooden bridge in the wilderness that slowly breaks over the course of the match and falls into a river. Another memorable one for me is fighting Dr. Doom in his sub that ascends to the surface as the fight goes on.
The console ports are also...surprisingly decent? I revisited both the Saturn and PS1 ports recently and the PS1 version is completely playable despite the missing animations and long load times, though of course the Saturn port with the ram cart reigns supreme with MOST of the animation restored. Blackheart's real walking animation from the arcade game is still sadly absent probably due to his huge sprite. It is strange though how much slowdown is added when you use the 3 MB option, so maybe it's best to keep the option off if you want the gameplay to be more fluid.
Speaking of, it may seem odd that Shuma-Gorath and Blackheart are in this game but god they look so cool in action. The fact that X-Men take up nearly half the playable roster feels crappy, but considering it was basically the hottest Marvel series next to Spider-Man at the time and allowed for asset reuse it's not terribly surprising, plus we got to use the two bosses from Children of the Atom. So who cares?
Shuma-Gorath should be in every Marvel crossover game, he kicks ass.
2014
A modern day equivalent to Destruction Derby of sorts. Wreckfest is a joy to play that I always go back to now and then to blow off a few hours of my time. If I can't race for my life against a bunch of semi-trucks while driving a little Barbie Power Wheels car then your racing game is automatically inferior to this one.
The AI fucking rules. It's either racing well enough but still beatable or a total buffoon that constantly wrecks itself or drives off the course making for hilarious races.
That being said this game absolutely needs mod support, because I can't imagine playing this on console and being forced to play through the career mode to unlock shit to fuck around with which is basically the peak of the game. Get yourself the free market mod or the unlock everything mod and get all that shit asap.
The music sucks ass too, turn that shit down and put on the Metal Gear Rising ost in the background instead.
That being said, the main reasons I can't give it five stars is because it's not quite arcade-y enough and there isn't a mod where I can shoot Twisted Metal Black gas cans and missiles at people.
The AI fucking rules. It's either racing well enough but still beatable or a total buffoon that constantly wrecks itself or drives off the course making for hilarious races.
That being said this game absolutely needs mod support, because I can't imagine playing this on console and being forced to play through the career mode to unlock shit to fuck around with which is basically the peak of the game. Get yourself the free market mod or the unlock everything mod and get all that shit asap.
The music sucks ass too, turn that shit down and put on the Metal Gear Rising ost in the background instead.
That being said, the main reasons I can't give it five stars is because it's not quite arcade-y enough and there isn't a mod where I can shoot Twisted Metal Black gas cans and missiles at people.
A legendary kusoge featuring pretty much everything you could possibly hate out of a game from this era. Horrendously unfair hitboxes, one hit deaths, no continues(without a code), trial-and-error stage design, repetitive music, a horrible maze stage that demands a strategy guide that was made to gatekeep the final stage, etc.
You'll also find out instantly upon starting the game that it was made pre-Porygon episode with a horrendous flashing light show that will obliterate any vision you have left and murder every photosensitive child within a five mile radius of your monitor. Hope you didn't mind it, because it also appears every time you kill a boss.
No, I have no idea why I booted this up in Nestopia. Sometimes a guy just needs to laugh.
You'll also find out instantly upon starting the game that it was made pre-Porygon episode with a horrendous flashing light show that will obliterate any vision you have left and murder every photosensitive child within a five mile radius of your monitor. Hope you didn't mind it, because it also appears every time you kill a boss.
No, I have no idea why I booted this up in Nestopia. Sometimes a guy just needs to laugh.
1998
Some people may ask me "Vee why do you like Revenge more than No Mercy? Doesn't this have less match types and customization options?"
While that is true, there's a few things that always stuck out to me about No Mercy that I didn't care about. Number one is the roster. Look, as much as I love the shit out of Al Snow and Crash Holly comparing those guys to fucking Macho Man Randy Savage, Kevin Nash or goddamn Scott Steiner is absolute buffoonery. WCW's roster in 98 was absolutely fucking stacked and this game shows it off with easily the best roster in a wrestling game of all time. The only huge glaring omission is the lack of Ric Flair, which is unfortunate but I guess nothing can be perfect(even if Curt Hennig is in this game).
The other huge one for me is the music. You can talk about the absolute meme music for No Mercy on the menu as much as you want, but everything pertaining to soundtrack is flatout inferior to Revenge and especially World Tour. Some of No Mercy's match bgm literally puts me to fucking sleep with how low-key it is at times. Meanwhile Revenge and World Tour are constantly getting you hyped out of your mind.
Lastly, performance. It's pretty obvious they crammed a lot of shit into No Mercy so 4P matches are always dipping in framerate, but also just in general matches feel so much slower compared to Revenge.
These reasons may feel like nothing, but as the years go by No Mercy only gets harder to play and Revenge becomes easier to pick up. That's why it'll always be my favorite wrestling game from this gen.
While that is true, there's a few things that always stuck out to me about No Mercy that I didn't care about. Number one is the roster. Look, as much as I love the shit out of Al Snow and Crash Holly comparing those guys to fucking Macho Man Randy Savage, Kevin Nash or goddamn Scott Steiner is absolute buffoonery. WCW's roster in 98 was absolutely fucking stacked and this game shows it off with easily the best roster in a wrestling game of all time. The only huge glaring omission is the lack of Ric Flair, which is unfortunate but I guess nothing can be perfect(even if Curt Hennig is in this game).
The other huge one for me is the music. You can talk about the absolute meme music for No Mercy on the menu as much as you want, but everything pertaining to soundtrack is flatout inferior to Revenge and especially World Tour. Some of No Mercy's match bgm literally puts me to fucking sleep with how low-key it is at times. Meanwhile Revenge and World Tour are constantly getting you hyped out of your mind.
Lastly, performance. It's pretty obvious they crammed a lot of shit into No Mercy so 4P matches are always dipping in framerate, but also just in general matches feel so much slower compared to Revenge.
These reasons may feel like nothing, but as the years go by No Mercy only gets harder to play and Revenge becomes easier to pick up. That's why it'll always be my favorite wrestling game from this gen.
As a kid Magical Quest was probably the first game on SNES that actually made me go "wow this looks really nice", and to this day it still looks pretty to look at with a very very good soundtrack. Capcom seemed to always know how to get the best out of hardware.
The highlight I would say is probably Fire Grotto where you get the Fire Fighter suit, I think you could easily make an entire game out of that moveset and do a lot of things with it. Here they still managed to do that with only four(more like three and a half imo) stages to work with like snuffing out fires, pushing blocks, making platforms in the ice stage, etc. The "Bionic Commando Who Can Jump" moveset with the mountain climbing gear in Pete's Peak is also really cool once you get the hang of it.
Also, massive props for actually making the difficulties switch up the stages a bit instead of just artificially making the game harder by making the enemies do more damage or cutting your lifebar down.
The game unfortunately feels rushed near the end, as Pete's Peak and Snowy Valley both lack sub-bosses and feel like they end really quickly in general. Snowy Valley in particular seems to end before its music gets to loop more than once.
The boss of Snowy Valley is also fucking terrible, one of those classic examples of boss design that I love so much that's just a giant hitbox that goes all over the stage that's a guaranteed trip to the continue screen on your first run since you don't know where he's going. Real shame too, cause I think the bosses in this game are good for the most part.
One of Capcom's better Disney games for sure, would even argue it's an underrated banger for the system.
The highlight I would say is probably Fire Grotto where you get the Fire Fighter suit, I think you could easily make an entire game out of that moveset and do a lot of things with it. Here they still managed to do that with only four(more like three and a half imo) stages to work with like snuffing out fires, pushing blocks, making platforms in the ice stage, etc. The "Bionic Commando Who Can Jump" moveset with the mountain climbing gear in Pete's Peak is also really cool once you get the hang of it.
Also, massive props for actually making the difficulties switch up the stages a bit instead of just artificially making the game harder by making the enemies do more damage or cutting your lifebar down.
The game unfortunately feels rushed near the end, as Pete's Peak and Snowy Valley both lack sub-bosses and feel like they end really quickly in general. Snowy Valley in particular seems to end before its music gets to loop more than once.
The boss of Snowy Valley is also fucking terrible, one of those classic examples of boss design that I love so much that's just a giant hitbox that goes all over the stage that's a guaranteed trip to the continue screen on your first run since you don't know where he's going. Real shame too, cause I think the bosses in this game are good for the most part.
One of Capcom's better Disney games for sure, would even argue it's an underrated banger for the system.
Veediots is perhaps marginally better than Buckaroos, but that's probably me breathing a sigh of relief over not needing to hear Happy Happy Joy Joy obliterate my fucking senses. However the sound design is still amateurish with a bunch of sound effects overpowering everything else like the "cha-ching" from collecting cash.
It's still a mediocre throwaway platformer that pales in comparison to Stimpy's Invention on the Genesis, the best part is probably Ren slapping soldiers in the dick on the second act.
It's still a mediocre throwaway platformer that pales in comparison to Stimpy's Invention on the Genesis, the best part is probably Ren slapping soldiers in the dick on the second act.
Lets get things straight, Ren & Stimpy Fire Dogs is a far worse game than Buckaroos when it comes to the actual gameplay but I absolutely despise Buckaroos.
The game is an okay platformer and I would enjoy the game more if it weren't for the fact that the fucking meatbag that they hired to compose the music threw a horrible 15 second loop of Happy Happy Joy Joy all over the medieval stages. For the first thirty seconds it's fine, but afterwards you can feel your fucking brain cell count lowering and eventually you'll be putting the game on mute afraid for your sanity.
God, fuck that music.
The game is an okay platformer and I would enjoy the game more if it weren't for the fact that the fucking meatbag that they hired to compose the music threw a horrible 15 second loop of Happy Happy Joy Joy all over the medieval stages. For the first thirty seconds it's fine, but afterwards you can feel your fucking brain cell count lowering and eventually you'll be putting the game on mute afraid for your sanity.
God, fuck that music.
It honestly baffles the crap out of me that there exists four whole Ren & Stimpy games on the SNES and all of them blow varying levels of hot ass.
Time Warp is probably my favorite out of the losers, but it manages to annoy me because it brings the best idea for a Ren & Stimpy game. Imagine a blend of beat'em up/collectathon where you run around slapping the shit out of people with Ren? It sounds great, but here they fucked it up with all sorts of bad shit like insects constantly attacking you, fences beating the shit out of you and bosses that are just giant hitboxes that run at you that tank way too many hits.
The worst I think though is the mode 7 "time warp" segments in-between areas that are horrifically boring, at least until they have you do a turbo tunnel segment straight out of Battletoads that is borderline impossible to get through unharmed without heavy memorization.
What a waste.
Time Warp is probably my favorite out of the losers, but it manages to annoy me because it brings the best idea for a Ren & Stimpy game. Imagine a blend of beat'em up/collectathon where you run around slapping the shit out of people with Ren? It sounds great, but here they fucked it up with all sorts of bad shit like insects constantly attacking you, fences beating the shit out of you and bosses that are just giant hitboxes that run at you that tank way too many hits.
The worst I think though is the mode 7 "time warp" segments in-between areas that are horrifically boring, at least until they have you do a turbo tunnel segment straight out of Battletoads that is borderline impossible to get through unharmed without heavy memorization.
What a waste.
Argonaut Games circa 1994
Snorting sounds coming from the manager's office
"Guys! Fuck! We were supposed to make a Ren & Stimpy game and we spent all that Star Fox money already! It's supposed to be out in a month! What are we gonna do?!"
"Don't worry about it! Just make two levels and repeat them like an Atari game, kids are suckers!"
"Brilliant! Lets also make it hard and bullshit! Kids are so fucking stupid!"
Snorting sounds coming from the manager's office
"Guys! Fuck! We were supposed to make a Ren & Stimpy game and we spent all that Star Fox money already! It's supposed to be out in a month! What are we gonna do?!"
"Don't worry about it! Just make two levels and repeat them like an Atari game, kids are suckers!"
"Brilliant! Lets also make it hard and bullshit! Kids are so fucking stupid!"
I don't know who the fuck Mark Sprenger is, but I can only assume he was proud enough of this besmirchment of Chester Cheetah to put his name in the intro due to being a massive health nut and hating the shit out of the snack industry.
He accomplished this by having Chester develop a literal glass jaw and having him shatter on impact at even the slightest provocation of manlet ape skateboarders and stationary platforms. Chester also sometimes forgets to jump when you hit the jump button, even moreso when the game is chugging like a shitty Windows 95 running Brood War with ten copies of BonziBuddy installed.
He accomplished this by having Chester develop a literal glass jaw and having him shatter on impact at even the slightest provocation of manlet ape skateboarders and stationary platforms. Chester also sometimes forgets to jump when you hit the jump button, even moreso when the game is chugging like a shitty Windows 95 running Brood War with ten copies of BonziBuddy installed.
1994
You know what sucks? The presentation and look of the game is actually pretty good, and the character designs of the non-Shaq fighters are kinda cool with a lot of potential behind them.
Shame it was all for nothing due to being in a game that's basically Flashback Quest For Identity doing its best fighting game impression, resulting in one of the most infamous fighters of all time and a punchline for every FGC joke that doesn't involve Pringles or fight sticks smashed over someones head.
Shame it was all for nothing due to being in a game that's basically Flashback Quest For Identity doing its best fighting game impression, resulting in one of the most infamous fighters of all time and a punchline for every FGC joke that doesn't involve Pringles or fight sticks smashed over someones head.
I don't know who at Namco had the idea for us to babysit Pac-Man while armed with a slingshot to guide him through everyday life, but man is it funny. Even funnier that there's a witch out trying to inconvenience him even more than the player.
"What's the plot today o' mistress? World domination?"
"No, none of that petty bullshit. We're gonna stop Pac-Man from getting milk at the supermarket then bash his face in with these boxing gloves on sticks. That fucker will never see it coming!"
Imagine if Sega made a game where you could torment Sonic behind the security of the fourth wall and threw bananas peels at him so he could smash his face into a tree and dislocate his jaw. Shoot pellets at Amy so she gets pissed and flattens Sonic into the fucking ground, all while Eggman steals cookies from the cookie jar. Hours of comedy.
"What's the plot today o' mistress? World domination?"
"No, none of that petty bullshit. We're gonna stop Pac-Man from getting milk at the supermarket then bash his face in with these boxing gloves on sticks. That fucker will never see it coming!"
Imagine if Sega made a game where you could torment Sonic behind the security of the fourth wall and threw bananas peels at him so he could smash his face into a tree and dislocate his jaw. Shoot pellets at Amy so she gets pissed and flattens Sonic into the fucking ground, all while Eggman steals cookies from the cookie jar. Hours of comedy.
2021
The game is in early access, thus I feel I should give no rating. But fuck it, I love the shit out of what I'm playing and look forward to watching it grow.
Bushido Blade but with more mutilation, history facts and drunk bishops is just what I need right now.
Bushido Blade but with more mutilation, history facts and drunk bishops is just what I need right now.