83 reviews liked by fakejesus


I'd rather have a million ultra-earnest and occasionally groan-inducing games with actual artistic ambition like Death Stranding than one more bloated, inoffensive, frozen bread "We have nothing to say but will pretend we do," copy-paste AAA game.

The Legend of Zelda: Nuts & Bolts (2008)

I feel strongly that the joy of exploration is the best part of BOTW and that it is largely lost in this game.

This game made a girl I liked all through high school think that I was gay because my friends and I (who were 14) would refer to this game as Asshole Smashers.

We were obsessed with the game and for the longest time we would refer to hanging out after school as "going to go smash assholes" or "gonna go smash" or " have a gay orgy". The Smashing Assholes activity stuck for the entirety of high school; along with 4 years worth of terrible asshole smashing jokes -- that to a completely normal girl who wasn't in on the joke the whole time, might be convinced we were just openly gay and announcing sexual activities from the energy we were bringing to every conversation that involved hanging out and playing video games.

We refused to talk about video games at school without coded language because we went to a Catholic school and our form of rebellion was being as homosexual as possible. The fun part is like five years out of high school, one of my friends from that group announced they WERE gay, which is probably why he used Pink Knight so much. Hell yeah.

Anyway this is Behemoth's best game. You can tell they are not in the biz entirely for money because they could have made like 5 of these and they would have done well.

I wish they would make another. The couch/online co-op game is weak right now.

The single most quotable video game of all time. No others even come close. It deserves this also because of just how fun the game is and inventive with its routing it is, discovering the alternate routes is always a treat.

If You Talk About How Games "Aged Badly" I'm Fucking Stealing Something Out Of Your House

The true reveal of Metal Gear Solid 2 is not that we play as Raiden instead of Solid Snake - it's that the antagonist of the game does not exist. It's pulling back the curtain to find that the man behind it died a century ago. The most powerful nation on Earth is essentially an algorithm with a mind of its own, akin to a runaway train that everyone "in charge" pretends they are responsible for. There is no individual you get to blame. Not the politicians, not the CEOs of major corporations. Not even the current or former presidents of the United States have any idea of what's really going on. The algorithm will replace these people the second they stop being useful. In my opinion it's a much better conception of "the system" than what you see in most conspiracy fiction: a small, shadowy cabal of people pulling the strings from behind the scenes. The reality is that all of the powerful people we blame are just the ones who managed to latch on to the algorithm of capitalism and milk it for all they can. There is no grand design, nobody is in control, everyone responsible for setting this system into motion is long dead. Which is why Otacon says the Patriots "have been dead for 100 years".

Every choice you (and Raiden) make perpetuates this status quo, and every radical political cause (like Snake and Otacon's 'Philanthropy') is effortlessly co-opted by it. MGS2 conveys this idea in a way that only a video game could: By playing as Raiden, you are forced to directly confront the futility of any resistance. You can approach MGS2 in a million different ways with an expansive arsenal of tools, getting no kills or alerts and discovering every secret in the Big Shell, or do the exact opposite. But the end result is always the same: You kill Solidus, the only threat to the Patriots, after they explicitly tell you it's exactly what they want. If you opt out entirely and "turn the game console off" you're still doing something you were ordered to do. Even if you choose not to play, you lose to the Patriots. MGS2 places you in the position of the post-information age, digital subject: Imbued with detailed knowledge of every single way you are being oppressed and exploited, you still choose to follow orders. You are so overwhelmed by information, some true, some false, that is causes a kind of exasperated compliance.

This is simultaneously a commentary on the nature of video game stories as an immutable, pre-programmed series of events not as different from film narratives as we like to think; Any "choice" is always an illusion, whether it's in Metal Gear Solid or a Telltale game. Any game that sets out to fulfill the concept of "player freedom" in its story will always fail. Video games stories are (at their best) about interactivity, not choice. They let you play out a pre-ordained role and do some improvisation, not write the story. Kojima understands this, and it's why he borrows so much from film. It's also why the criticism that his games are too much like movies is kind of pointless; he's just recognizing the inherent similarities of the two mediums.

On a less meta level, this lack of free will in MGS2 underscores the reality that capitalism, American empire, the very norms and values of American society, whatever the antagonist of the game is - cannot be destroyed from within. It is a system that has achieved self-awareness. Any possible attempt to destroy it has already been anticipated with an infinite number of contingencies. Emma Emmerich gave her life to destroy the GW AI and it was just replaced with a backup. The battle has already been lost, and it was decided by a microscopic processor in a fraction of a second. Solidus (a perfect stand-in for the kind of right-wing populist we wouldn't see for awhile in 2001) was the only person in power trying to oppose the Patriots, but his fatal mistake was believing that the Patriots were essentially a deep state globalist cabal, rather than the nigh omnipresent force they really are (they aren't really a "they", but an "it"). Like Snake said, "the Patriots are a kind of ongoing fiction". But even the legendary Solid Snake, the archetypal hero who opposes the system with clear-eyed determination, is completely dumbfounded after the credits roll.

And that's because this enemy is simply beyond the abilities of one man, even if that man is a Snake. It can just create its own soldier to surpass Solid(us) Snake and even mass-produce them, and your actions throughout the game prove it. No tactical espionage action can defeat what is essentially an idea - one that has infiltrated the furthest depths of the human soul. The only hope lies on a society-wide level: An alternative has to be built by everyone from the ground up, through finding what is true and meaningful in life and passing it on to the next generation. Slowly, generation by generation, an alternative capable of opposing the great algorithm can be built. And it has to be one that people can have faith in, in a spiritual sense.

But the encroachment of the internet into our lives is making this less and less feasible. By replacing the traditional nuclear-armed metal gear with Arsenal Gear, an AI that controls the internet, Kojima is essentially framing the internet itself as a threat equal to or greater than that of nuclear weapons. It is an instrument of human separation much more powerful than the splitting of an atom. The quote at the beginning of Raiden's chapter tying computers and nuclear weapons together bolsters this interpretation.

The digital age has turned human life into a scrambled mess that is impossible to parse. We create entirely idiosyncratic, patchwork realities for ourselves by finding various "truths" through our own individual exploration of the internet and jury-rigging them together. We relate to each other less and less, and mental illness is widespread. This overload of information makes us increasingly neurotic, isolated, and unable to determine truth from fiction. The collective human mind is being broken (or at least pounded into a new shape) against the collective neuroses of the internet, and nobody knows what to do about it. We're all alone right now, each of us left with the isolating task of finding our own truth amidst the cacophony. Even the algorithm fears for our future, yet it's still the only entity with a solution: Censorship. Make the noise stop. Honestly, has anyone thought of a better idea?

This game is awesome. The reason people have an issue with the motion controls is because they are soy boys who have never exercised once in their life.

I can't take the fucking game seriously because Midna keeps making me horny

This review contains spoilers

I had a lot of fun playing this game. Really, I did. Most of the content in this game is just better than it's predecessor, despite how much of it was just copied over. But I won't bother to describe this part though because there's just way too much to talk about, and I want to address something else first. That being the story. Or rather, how empty, meaningless, and downright awful it is.

There is no substance to the story. Practically any and all thought in this game was seemingly put into anything that WASNT the story, as it's clear that what we got was probably a first draft that they never bothered to do anything with. Now don't get me wrong, the side content is great and all, but there is next to nothing redeemable about the main story. It is the most mind-nummingly pointless and unappealing journey you could imagine.

The only good part of the story is arguably the stuff with Zelda in the past (and maybe also Sidon, Sonia, and Rauru, but notably less so). I legitimately think Zelda's portrayal in this game is probably in the top 2 or 3 when comparing it to every other iteration of Zelda we've had so far. Probably because the game actually takes the time to build her character to some degree though both the tears and other side content found in the world.

... But none of it means anything, because nothing is done with it. All of Zelda's efforts, experiences, and emotions are completely thrown out the window with the ending as it reduces her a deu ex machina as she swoops in to help link against gannondorf in the final fight. Which, let me remind you, shouldn't even be possible as at that point Zelda had gotten rid of all her memories (a side effect of the draconification process, stated multiple times throughout the story and even demonstrated when she tries to shake link off of her whenever he tries to retrieve the master sword), and as such has zero reason to come in and help Link, let alone fight Gannondorf. It's never explained why she does this either, which makes it even more stupid.

And to make matters worse, after everything is over the game pulls ANOTHER Deus ex machina by having both Rauru and Sonia come back and magically revert both Zelda to normal and give Link his arm back. Even though Sonia's been dead for years and never knew who Link was aside from passing comments from Zelda, and even though we see Rauru move on to the afterlife or wherever at the very start of the game. But now they're just... Back? The game explains it that they used both of their powers to fix Zelda and Link, but... How? What did they even DO with their powers? And why did they only choose that specific moment to revert Zelda, instead of reverting her when Link gets the master sword? Links arm makes sense, but why would they willingly leave Zelda as a shell of her former self when there no longer would be a need for her to remain that way after Link gets the master sword from her?

And once all that's done, all we get is Zelda saying "You did it Link. You saved me!" before the game just... ends. Like, there's no fanfare. No cheering, crying, or kind of emotion. Zelda just looks at you and says "good job" and the game ends. It's baffling. Like, you'd expect that she would burst into a hysterical cry fit of joy, relief, and who knows what other feelings (And we know Nintendo is at least willing to let her cry, because we literally see her do exactly that when Mineru moves on). You'd think that would be the case since she essentially committed suicide in the hopes that Link MIGHT be able to not only find her, that the master sword would have enough power to be used against Gannondorf, and that Link would actually beat him. And mind you, the game makes it clear that she didn't know if any of that would actually happen, nor was it supposed to be a possibility that she would ever go back to normal. Then suddenly she's back to normal, shown that everything she sacrificed payed off, and that Link is right there with her? Just about anyone in her situation would just... break down into an emotional mess.
But no. After all that - after all the death and sacrifices - for none of that to affect her in any way is just... insulting. It's like none of that ever even happened. Forget having there being actual concequences to your actions. No need to even acknowledge the fact that Zelda was practically dead for a millenia (which is, in fact, a thing because despite people reacting to the fact you have master sword, none of them to react to the fact that Zelda is currently a dragon flying in the sky. Even though it's implied that Link tells them about both how he got the master sword and what happened to Zelda. It's almost like none of them care).
I mean, you won. So who cares, right? All's well that ends well!

But again, this is Nintendo were talking about. They'd sooner shoot themselves then let any of their characters suffer any sort of lasting concequences.

But ranting about how they ruined an entire main character arc aside, the rest of the main story just borders on either ok or painful. Sidon got lucky, as he actually gets some kind of character development (even if it is extremely minimal and over with in about 6 seconds).
Riju had literally nothing. No character development. No personality. Nothing.
Tulin was just the common trope of "my parents don't think I'm old enough to do X thing so I'll show them because they are stupid!". It, too, also lasted 6 seconds and afterwards he was relegated to just some kid afterwards.
Yunobo was the worst of the bunch. His entire character sucked in the first game, and it somehow got worse in this one. His entire story is just him shambling along as he's written to be too stupid to put 1 and 2 together for literally any problem he's faced. He doesn't even join you because he wants to; he's just doesn't want to "let his ancestors down". It's stupid. I could talk about how they could have made his story about him choosing to give everyone the rock roast stuff against his better judgement because he desperately wants to feel important, but this post is already too long.
Mineru was also there.

The past sages also don't exist. You can't convince me they exist, because you could remove them from the plot entirely and nothing would change. They say the (almost) exact same thing in when they talk to each respective present sage, and we still don't know ANY of their names or anything about them at all. They exist soley to spout exposition and have zero reason to exist.

I also think Gannondorf is extremely 1 dimensional since we are never told the reasoning behind any of his actions, but this post is long enough already.

---

So, yeah. This game's story is a disaster. But in spite of that, I still liked this game enough to give it 3.5/5 stars. I know that sounds really strange considering how I just wrote a essay telling you how awful the story is, but the main story only takes up about 10% of the overall game (which is another reason why it sucks, but still). The other 90% was genuinely really fun. The world at large felt much more alive and your actions in it make tangible changes in ways that feel relatively meaningful. There still is plenty of stuff to explore, despite 2/5 of the map being copied from the first game. And again, the general gameplay is really thought out. The Zoanite contraptions are fun to mess with, combat is still solid, and the weapon system is MUCH better in this game thanks the fusing mechanic.

But I just wish that last 10% was actually good, as it's supposed to be the most important.

The Far Cry Elden Ring-ification of Breath of the Wild with a smattering of end-of-chapter Fortnite and New Funky Mode.

While BotW was content to let players roam free in a sprawling world, Tears of the Kingdom reins in this freedom considerably and hides the guardrails from the player with horse blinders. Link is still welcome to run around Hyrule at will, but the primary storyline holds the keys which allow actual exploratory liberation. My first dozen hours completely ignored Lookout Landing, leaving me without critical tools like the paraglider and towers. That was the most challenging TotK ever got, and the most it (unintentionally) forced me to think outside the box. I dragged gliders to the tops of hills labouriously, I used a horse and cart, I made elaborate vehicles simply to get around. I scrounged for rockets, fans, batteries, and air balloons to ascend to sky islands, making it to a few of the lower ones with great accomplishment. I committed to putting off the towers as long as I could, not realising they were an outright necessity. Seeing how this additional layer of the map functioned demystified it severely, rendering a challenge into a stepping stone for parcels of content.

The depths, like the skies above, are filled with potential. Many of its spaces are similarly wide open to encourage blind exploration with vehicles. Only there is nearly no purpose to any of it. Lightroots are a checkbox which dismantle the most compelling part of the depths -- their darkness. The depths are a place you visit to grab zonaite or amiibo armour and leave. As the Fire Temple is within the depths, and it being the first I tackled, I falsely believed there would be more dungeons strewn about below, simply a part of the world rather than instanced away from it. Sadly, it is the exception.

The other temples are obfuscated and inaccessible without their related storylines, which is itself fine (the temples are impossible to progress through without their associated power anyways) but this leaves the world feeling more boxed in, a selection of rooms in an overly-long hallway. A spare few rooms complement each other, most of them do not. The walls of the rooms must be thick. Whether it is shrines, side quests, or temples, the developers yet again seemingly have no way of knowing what abilities the player might have, what puzzles they have encountered, what skills they remember. All that they know is that in the Fire Temple, you have a Goron. In the Water Temple, you have Zora armour. The positive is, of course, that these things can thus be tackled in any order without a fear of missing out on anything. The downside is that there is never anything more to a shrine, a temple, or anything than what the player encounters the first go around. There is no impetus to return to a location when you have a better tool, or a wider knowledge of how the game's mechanics work. You show up, experience the room, and leave. With 300 map pins at your disposal, and similar issues arising in BotW, there's a sense that the developers chickened out near the end, too afraid to let the player (gasp) backtrack or (gasp) miss out.

Ironically enough, the lack of FOMO is what I miss most. When I was towerlessly exploring with a hodgepodge of trash scavenged from around the world, I felt free. I felt clever! When I discovered the intended mode of play, however, I felt I was putting a square peg in a square hole. There's a crystal that needs to be moved to a far away island? Before, I might have made a horror of Octoballoons and Korok Fronds with Fans and Springs to get it where it needed to go. When the Fruit of Knowledge was consumed, I saw the parts for the prebuilt Fanplane were right next to the Crystal. There's a breakable wall in a dungeon? Bomb Flowers or a hammer are right there. It is incredibly safe. It is a pair of horse blinders that you can decorate as you please. Go ahead and make your mech, you are still on the straight and narrow path.

TotK tries to bring back the linearity of Zeldas past within the BotW framework, but it ignores that the linearity was speckled with a weave of areas which expanded alongside your arsenal, rather than shrinking. Everything here is incongruous, a smörgåsbord of cool set pieces that simply don't go together. There is too much content (Elden Ring) that is too self-contained (end of chapter Fortnite) and too afraid that you will not experience it (New Funky Mode).

Did I have fun? Yes. But I had to make it myself.