"MY ASS MY CHOICE"

Laugh-out-loud hilarious, reminded me exactly why I love Goat Simulator in the first place. So much tongue-in-cheek havoc to wreak that it's almost overwhelming - hours of destruction, minigames, funny easter eggs, dense environmental detail, and scathing pieces of satire before you even start the actual game mode. And it's all got that patented GS humor and time-capsule meme culture that shockingly still holds up today (Breaking Bad references are more in than they've ever been!) Forever will be astounded how something that should be really dated and obnoxious is actually neither of those things.

Diet Skate 3 is actually really enjoyable. Still suffers from that instantly-identifiable Ubisoft openworldification where you essentially just snap from side mission to side mission without really feeling a desire to explore the map at all let alone in full. However, what a wicked atmosphere this thing crafts - a soundtrack that's (reliably) filled with lesser-known bangers, gorgeous lighting system, and I mean... snow just always seems to look pristine on eighth generation hardware. When you're careening down a high mountain peak on the snowboard and the sun is setting in just a certain way so that the rays are glistening off the slopes while "Cinnamon" by Cullen Omori or "Falling Down" by The Birthday Massacre is playing? Come on bro, it's just so damn sweet. Controls are a tad iffy but they serve their purpose fairly enough. There might not actually be all that much here but at least when it comes to aesthetics Ubisoft always delivers the goods.

A handful of issues (including dull music and a little lack of polish at times) don't at all stop this from being not only a delightful 3D platformer collectathon, but a vast improvement over the misdeeds of Battle for Bikini Bottom: Rehydrated. Huge step up in the art department for one, with plenty of vibrant colors replacing the tacky eyesore(s) of THQ Nordic's previous swing at the IP. Still has relatively nothing on the original as a whole, but I actually think this one does combat even better - with so many different ways to take down enemies, it's nothing too crazy but the entire system feels more fleshed-out here. It's also a really funny game; as someone who watched the very first episodes of SpongeBob way back when they first premiered and has been a fan ever since, it warms my heart to see that the series has still got it after all these years. Expectedly great voice acting from the usual crew, and usually I seldom ever mess with costumes in video games but in this one they were so terrific that it had me switching to each one at least once throughout my playthrough. Far from perfect but it feels like a welcomed love letter to its original series in the same way as something like South Park: The Stick of Truth.

Top 50 Favorites: #31 (Included with The Surge 2: Premium Edition)

As fantastic, offbeat, and aesthetically playful as the base game - shame this was its only expansion, but understandable given its release smack-dab before the COVID pandemic. Genius move to throw this entire DLC on a massive retro-themed ship-turned-floating-town, it fits right into the already vibrant and freakish world the base so keenly crafted. As rad as any game with a boss named "Collective Incinerator" should be.

Noble, but ultimately a failed effort in my eyes. Obviously I can't judge this too harshly, as it was clearly made with little kids in mind - and on the front I can't even say this is a bad game at all. Against my expectations it isn't piss-easy, the challenge for the intended age demographic here is very fair. And I very much like the concept too, the portal and figures function in a cool way. My problem lies mainly within the texture of it - the lack of a jump leads to levels that feel... horizontal, as a result they not only feel sort of mundane but also blend into each other way too easily to the point of becoming tiring. The music feels repetitive and chintzy, plus I just could not have cared less about the story or characters (even in spite of another phenomenal voice performance from Richard Horvitz, and even phoned-in Patrick Warburton is kind of fun). The hero challenges and battle mode are better than the main game, I feel like. As a Spyro game (a series famous for charm, style, variety, and childlike wonderment) it falls flat on its face - but as its own thing it's just a resoundingly mediocre experience. Not as good of a "constantly-switching-between-characters-who-function-mostly-the-same-for-one-off-tasks-in-specific-areas" game as Balan Wonderworld, and I'd also rather just play Knack for what this ultimately feels like.

Eh, not for me. Some cool-in-theory additions that just never coagulate into anything that bracing. You can build your own robot companion now, but also who really cares? There's already a sizeable bloat of followers in this game as it stands - of which you can only travel with one at a time - and some of them are already more interesting robots, so this feature seems superfluous to me. Ada is about as generic a companion as they come, one who breaks down in like three seconds and has some occasionally infuriating movement. Story missions are essentially Borderlands-style enemy spam set in some truly horribly designed interiors - and let's just say Fallout 4 doesn't really have the most adept combat to account for it. The narrative itself is unengaging and rote. But as far as exercises in empty style go, you could do worse than this. The Rust Devils look incredibly badass, and the Mechanist armor is pretty cool. It's competent but I also resoundingly did not care about anything happening here.

Damn fine game that checks off nearly every qualification a great PS1/PS2 era puzzleball outing should have: funky music, colorful splashpad visuals, eclectic laundry list of tactical hazards, fun unlockable minigames, brain-melting puzzles, vast variety of clever levels, good graphics, control that is neither too tight nor too loose, and an interesting set of gimmicks with the main ball(s) that sets it apart from the others. Vastly superior to the PSP original, wish there was a permanent loop of the ball dancing when you get a good score running somewhere so I could go there if I'm ever feeling down.

Competent but airless - there's so much stuff but you only moderately want to do some of it. Was really into it at the beginning (especially after that memorably bleak first level) but quickly afterwards felt like I was just waiting for it to end. The open world feels like an MMO that had its servers shut down, with mostly forgettable locations loosely cobbled together piecemeal with no real sense of oneness - a far cry from the deeply lived-in feel of Skyrim's maps. Unlike others I'm not completely against the watering-down/removal of the RPG elements and as per usual I don't give a shit about mods; but the main story as a whole feels like a rushed, tiresome exposition dump - the mother/father angle is so boring in this and the voiced protagonist adds nothing to the mix either. The stuff with the institute is beyond lame, BoS story feels like tedious fetch quests, Minutemen don't have enough exclusive missions to their arc. Etc. etc. Bethesda's endearing jank helps keep this diverting on a moment-to-moment basis - you can put a live frag grenade in a drug-addicted old lady's pocket while she's sleeping, kill a robot with pencil ammo, break the game six ways from Sunday and get to level 200 in an hour, all that jazz. But it feels less than stellar here even in the face of its objective evolution. IGN giving this their perfect 10 rating tells you all you need to know about it. Far Harbor 4ever.

A major downgrade in style and identity from its criminally underappreciated predecessor. I know that the same YouTubers who destroyed the first game said this one was okay to like, but come on - every single level here (outside of its titular Impossible Lair, an exemplary feat of difficult platforming) feels pretty much indistinguishable from the last. The hub world stuff is fun and inventive as expected, reminiscent of the genuine whimsy that the first game had, but the main stages are your standard (and I mean standard) baseline 3D side-scroller fare with nothing too new or nostalgic to offer (again... unlike the first - which offered both). I also find this one to be way less funny, engaging, and atmospheric. Another case of heavily watering-down a sequel after backlash from the previous game resulting in a fine but overall less engaging experience.

Saints Row IV might be repetitive, cringey 2013 gamerbro filler - but this one is... like, actually the slow-motion death of a franchise. Held together by duct tape, goes out with a total whimper. Takes a former titan of a side character and turns him into a nearly unrecognizable lolcow, then pairs him with one-off-joke-gone-on-too-long Kinzie Kensington in one of the ugliest open worlds of the 2010s decade (a cheap reskin of an already bland, barren open world) with seriously airless gameplay. And come on, not even a fucking metal soundtrack or like a joke bubblegum pop radio station or anything at all? Post-ironic hell. Not even worth the space it takes up in storage - would later be re-released in a worse state as Cyberpunk 2077.

Games I Dislike That Everybody Else Likes

I'm all for PS1 puzzle game supremacy and all, but this one - I'm disappointed to report - misses the mark, I feel. Of course it has the issue that all of them do to start with, in that it feels like a smaller mobile game rather than something you were once expected to pay full shelf price for. But this one in particular is plagued with dire collision issues in a game where precision is crucial; why are you even able to get stuck on the blocks? It always happens at the worst times, too - so get ready to die countless times at zero fault of your own. I still love this idea, and think the mechanics/rules on their own are great. I dig the digital-minimalist style, with swelling classical music playing as you navigate this short series of puzzles. Though it's almost entirely trivialized by the PS5/PS4 versions with the rewind mechanic - which I'm not against at all, especially given how brutal the original is. But it makes this lose out on some of its on-the-fly thinking.

Top 50 Favorites: #36

If you're able to make voiceless 2D squares complex, deeply emotional characters then that's more than enough to give it a pass for me. I grew up on Newgrounds, Notdoppler, and the like just totally addicted to flash games in middle school - so I found this to be deeply nostalgic in a way that's hard to replicate. Feels both like it's paying homage to that genre of games as well as innovating enough to feel right at home on console. Indies during this time were really pulling their weight and taking risks - leading to surreal, almost ethereal experiences like this. Funny, beautiful, and intuitive. Wish more indies these days leaned as far into the experimental as these were doing back then.

Spooky and silly in just about equal measure, with a story so cockamamie you can't help but be roped in - guffawing at each sharp 180 degree turn into insanity, paired with a sincerely scary atmosphere that reeks with the stench of death. Both of which compliment each other surprisingly well. Just as ludicrous as the "dumb era" REs, while also still being able to maintain its status as a horror game first and foremost. The map, enemy, and character variety here is awesome - with good puzzles, music, and level design that feel right at home with the early RE games. Ugly lighting and dastardly tank controls be damned - this is actually pretty excellent. Every ounce superior to Resident Evil 4, and tbh one of the best titles in the series period.

Ehhhhh... even as a Goat Simulator apologist I think this is mid. The characters are funny but that's about it - its map isn't as good as Goat MMO Simulator and as a whole it just flat-out isn't as enjoyable, clever, or humorous as GoatZ. The pranks aren't satisfying, its comedy is mostly stale, there just... isn't a lot here. Easily the weakest of the ragdoll-y, purposefully janky meme games that feature Rocket League parodies. Every criticism I disagreed with for the original I agree with for this.