Chromentur
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This shit being packed into every Resident Evil game I buy now is how I imagine Apple users felt in 2014 when that U2 album came forced onto all their phones.
2013
"What is my fate? Will I become one of them?"
Quintessential seventh-gen action adventure: random overblown bouts of Micheal Bay action, color palette that consists seemingly strictly of grey + brown + green, tons of slow & simple automated sequences, bullet hell, impossibly hot lady, 100% bullshit multiplayer mode shoehorned in for the kiddos who would refuse to even touch a game if you couldn't mow down your friends with bullets and/or knives and/or 'nades every half second... But fuckin' A does it do it all so damn WELL (okay except the stupid multiplayer), a total platonic ideal. So effortlessly nostalgic. I was hesitant towards this at the time, but looking back even in the face of its sequels this is fantastic stuff. Really puts this new Lara to the test right out of the gate - with a game that has mysterious narrative intrigue mixed with poignancy, personalized systems, expensive graphical prowess, and gnarly jolts of violence. In the words of Todd Howard, it all just works. Never wanted it to end - a more than ample apology for the misdeeds of Tomb Raider: Underworld.
Quintessential seventh-gen action adventure: random overblown bouts of Micheal Bay action, color palette that consists seemingly strictly of grey + brown + green, tons of slow & simple automated sequences, bullet hell, impossibly hot lady, 100% bullshit multiplayer mode shoehorned in for the kiddos who would refuse to even touch a game if you couldn't mow down your friends with bullets and/or knives and/or 'nades every half second... But fuckin' A does it do it all so damn WELL (okay except the stupid multiplayer), a total platonic ideal. So effortlessly nostalgic. I was hesitant towards this at the time, but looking back even in the face of its sequels this is fantastic stuff. Really puts this new Lara to the test right out of the gate - with a game that has mysterious narrative intrigue mixed with poignancy, personalized systems, expensive graphical prowess, and gnarly jolts of violence. In the words of Todd Howard, it all just works. Never wanted it to end - a more than ample apology for the misdeeds of Tomb Raider: Underworld.
Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes
Unpopular but I prefer this to Point Lookout. Just good-ole-fashioned, unpretentious alien-blasting fun. Yes it's low-framey, yes there isn't a single theme to be found in it, yes it's still only like two dull colors, and yes that spaceship 'battle' at the end is pretty shit. But these big-headed, green Propaganda-era-B-movie aliens are a perfect fit for the retrofuturist Fallout universe - not sure why the series purists have gotten in such a tizzy over this, extraterrestrials really aren't such a far fetch considering all the other preposterous leaps taken in this franchise. So satisfying nailing crits with the sci-fi weaponry and watching these things crackle into a pile of ash. Sally is better than most of the characters in the base game. Kind of awesome.
Unpopular but I prefer this to Point Lookout. Just good-ole-fashioned, unpretentious alien-blasting fun. Yes it's low-framey, yes there isn't a single theme to be found in it, yes it's still only like two dull colors, and yes that spaceship 'battle' at the end is pretty shit. But these big-headed, green Propaganda-era-B-movie aliens are a perfect fit for the retrofuturist Fallout universe - not sure why the series purists have gotten in such a tizzy over this, extraterrestrials really aren't such a far fetch considering all the other preposterous leaps taken in this franchise. So satisfying nailing crits with the sci-fi weaponry and watching these things crackle into a pile of ash. Sally is better than most of the characters in the base game. Kind of awesome.
Quintessential 6/10 DLC, very proto-Far Harbor - its map is generally more remarkable than the latter but its writing really isn't. Gives you tons of great possible story threads to yank on but does virtually nothing with them - a centuries-long feud between two unkillable assholes strewn strictly out of spite and a cult who seeks to reconcile with their own collective trauma by literally lobotomizing themself into what they perceive as blessed ignorance chief amongst them... both totally shrugged off! For shame!! Still offers up a fun challenge but if you thought Mothership Zeta ran like shit.. hoo boy, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
2015
Amusing, silly, and occasionally quite morbid - but by this point in the "meme = game" timeline there were starting to be serious diminishing returns on shit like this. I would have made this my entire personality for a couple months if I had played this when I was an obnoxious, deeply unfunny wannabe dank memelord in high school.
Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes
Like the other Fallout 3 DLCs... it's fine! If it doesn't totally crap out on you before dropping down to the framerate of a Viewfinder, that is. It truly wouldn't be the seventh gen if even Bethesda didn't have their own little CoD clone where literally all you do is mow down waves of enemies in grey wartime FPS combat. It's a neat change of pace - brisk and unfussy, plus you get some killer white Power Armor as a well-earned reward at the end of it. The Alaska maps look nice, and its shooting gallery combat is tight and consistent. Just wish it had even an ounce of interesting writing in counterbalance.
Like the other Fallout 3 DLCs... it's fine! If it doesn't totally crap out on you before dropping down to the framerate of a Viewfinder, that is. It truly wouldn't be the seventh gen if even Bethesda didn't have their own little CoD clone where literally all you do is mow down waves of enemies in grey wartime FPS combat. It's a neat change of pace - brisk and unfussy, plus you get some killer white Power Armor as a well-earned reward at the end of it. The Alaska maps look nice, and its shooting gallery combat is tight and consistent. Just wish it had even an ounce of interesting writing in counterbalance.
2009
Games I Dislike That Everybody Else Likes
Fail to understand what people see in this over the likes of Mothership Zeta, Point Lookout, and Operation Anchorage. More macho toughguy "life is hell" bullshit from the late 2000s - complete with a stained toilet bowl color palette and sharp-turn moral dilemmas that completely crack open Fallout 3's annoyingly black-or-white karma system. There's no nuance measured whatsoever in these choices - despite there being lots of little moral/ethical intricacies involved you're still only either really good or really evil. But like... no?? Then again these FO3 DLCs never had the most interesting writing to begin with - difference here being that the map is also a chore and the gameplay is barely there. At least this is one of the better running ones, but that's cold comfort when you don't really want to play it that much even when it does perform well. Ugh, don't care.
Fail to understand what people see in this over the likes of Mothership Zeta, Point Lookout, and Operation Anchorage. More macho toughguy "life is hell" bullshit from the late 2000s - complete with a stained toilet bowl color palette and sharp-turn moral dilemmas that completely crack open Fallout 3's annoyingly black-or-white karma system. There's no nuance measured whatsoever in these choices - despite there being lots of little moral/ethical intricacies involved you're still only either really good or really evil. But like... no?? Then again these FO3 DLCs never had the most interesting writing to begin with - difference here being that the map is also a chore and the gameplay is barely there. At least this is one of the better running ones, but that's cold comfort when you don't really want to play it that much even when it does perform well. Ugh, don't care.
2008
For the first time in a Bethesda game, the main quest is actually the most interesting one! Always preferred the simple mystery of this to Fallout 4's trite, restrictive, and crushingly boring parental angle. But the latter just smokes this in the gameplay department - playing this on PS3 feels like a constant ticking-clock battle to finish it before it corrupts beyond repair. Like others I was totally absorbed with this in high school but had to force myself to complete it this time around. Doesn't help that the number of worthwhile characters in this entire game you can count on one hand and its karma system - while intuitive for its day - is rather naive and feels like it limits this more than it aids it. Still sporadically fun in that Bethesda way akin to letting a kid into the PlayLand and telling them "Go nuts" but holy fuck is a lot of this map just abysmal to navigate - very 7th gen in that a lot of its ugly greens + greys completely blend into each other leading to samey areas alongside already generally terrible layout. Excels when it focuses on how pre-war preventative measures lead way to post-war malaise - and the different ways in which people's minds choose to preserve themselves in the face of it. One of those games where you start out wanting to do everything but check out quicker than you'd expect.
One of the goddamn worst things I've ever played. At least even Borderlands and its terrible DLCs function on a base level. This is - no exaggeration - unplayable on PS3. In case you may have misinterpreted that, I don't mean it just runs poorly - I mean it is legitimately, no joke unable to be played correctly. At all. The first couple missions are boring but doable (albeit at a snail's pace), then the last mission will literally drop to 1 frame per every 6 or 7 (or more!) seconds and you don't even have to be in the heat of battle. Crashed (for the umpteenth time) upon netting my very last Fallout 3 trophy from it and I didn't even bother trying to salvage. I was done. Thank the Lord. Yes the level 30 cap and postgame abilities are a crucial addition to the base game, but you cannot excuse the pitiful state of its named content. And even if this wasn't a thorough technical failure it's still everything people complained that the incomparably superior Operation Anchorage was - a linear, monotonous, repetitive, chuggy and buggy enemy spam/exposition dump. Fucking HELL.
2006
"🎶 SWEET. CHERRY. PIE. 🎶"
Feelings remain virtually the same from first playing ~16 years ago at the height of rhythm game fever - while the gameplay is undeniably improved here I still vastly prefer the first Guitar Hero setlist to this one; obviously this has a ton of bangers on it but there are also many tracks that I just don't care about (and the covers are generally rougher imo). But dammit this engine is just too good to deny.. hammer-ons feel like a dream to hit and unlike the first game there's actually a CALIBRATION feature this time - one which might I add, is better than nearly every GH sequel's version(s) that came out afterward. Song tiering is probably at its most inconsistent here and sadly it's impossible to see shit properly on Pandora's highway - this is still good for what it is but let's be honest, it was a stepping stone for the series to further improve the formula later down the road.
Feelings remain virtually the same from first playing ~16 years ago at the height of rhythm game fever - while the gameplay is undeniably improved here I still vastly prefer the first Guitar Hero setlist to this one; obviously this has a ton of bangers on it but there are also many tracks that I just don't care about (and the covers are generally rougher imo). But dammit this engine is just too good to deny.. hammer-ons feel like a dream to hit and unlike the first game there's actually a CALIBRATION feature this time - one which might I add, is better than nearly every GH sequel's version(s) that came out afterward. Song tiering is probably at its most inconsistent here and sadly it's impossible to see shit properly on Pandora's highway - this is still good for what it is but let's be honest, it was a stepping stone for the series to further improve the formula later down the road.