EDIT: Slight change to Eden character description. 💖💖💖

It might be pretentious of me to call Rebirth the perfect game. Keyword, might.

But uhhh, it's time for what the entirety of ZeusDeeGoose has been building up to. From shitposts to seemingly endless reviews, here is the review to end all reviews. The K.O. punch, the Industry Baby, here IS…


The Binding of Isaac Rebirth is my favorite game of all time. Bar none. I’ve always pushed the game as amazing, but never really put pen to paper on why it’s so incredible. I’ve known about Rebirth since around 2015, where it was finally put on the 3DS eShop. It looked so... interesting. The cover art had captured my attention like no other. The crying child, the monsters, the... tentacles? It perplexed me in no way any other game has done before, but it was love at first sight. So I immediately clicked on it. I wanted to experience what this game had to offer, and I was ready to buy a New 3DS just to experience it. Before getting cock-blocked by the parental controls, but whatever. 8 years later, New 3DS in tow, nearing the end of the 3DS eShop as a whole (rest in peace), I played Rebirth on the good old New 3DS, and I really did like it, and then I rebought the game (alongside the original), and all of the DLC for both versions, and I was almost instantly hooked for a year straight. Needless to say, I love The Binding of Isaac as a whole. If you know me, I’ve praised The Binding of Isaac to kingdom come, using it as a point of reference for the bar of quality most games should strive for, especially indie games. Any person I meet? Play The Binding of Isaac. Any game recommendations? The Binding of Isaac. I was talking to a security guard at Washington DC, and asked him if he had played any games, and he said he plays Battlefield, and I roughly responded with “PLAY THE BINDING OF ISAAC!”, taking hyper fixations to the next level. And, of course, on that trip I brought my New 3DS to Washington DC, JUST to play The Binding of Isaac, although I dabbled in Mario Kart 7 with some friends. Any time we were on the bus, I’d pop open my 3DS just to play it. I’m pretty sure my friends got tired of the buh-duh... duh-duh-duh-duhduhduh each time I started a new run, but we all enjoyed the trip. I almost beat the entire game on that trip, but unfortunately couldn’t kill Mega Satan in time. Awwwww. But on the night I got home I killed him. It was 3AM in the morning, but I fucking did it.

But, enough about the DC trip, what about the game itself? If you’re not familiar with Rebirth or the original, fear not, as coming into Isaac Rebirth, I had no idea what roguelikes even played like, other than the fact that they were randomized, but also featured permanent death. It was a bit… overwhelming to me? Losing all of my progress didn't seem all that fun to me, as I had played Minecraft previously and found its dropping inventory to be discouraging, and thought Isaac Rebirth would be the same. But, needless to say, my opinion changed pretty quickly on Rebirth, and roguelikes as a whole. Some of my favorite video games are roguelikes, but without my prior exposure to Rebirth, I don't think I would've been as receptive to the genre. And why is that, you may ask? I’m going to explain almost everything that makes the game a masterpiece of a roguelike like no other (sorry, Rogue), DLC by DLC, in-depth, zeusdeegoose style! I’ll also be covering the smaller games in the series, like the original, and the spinoff, The Legend of Bum-bo. I’ve never played Four Souls before, so that’ll be excluded from this short series.

The order will be as follows: Rebirth, Afterbirth, Afterbirth Plus, The Legend of Bum-bo, 2011, Wrath of the Lamb, and finally, Repentance.

The order may seem off to some, considering how Repentance is last in line, but it’s for good reason, trust me. You geese will be eating well tonight! (i'm so sorry)

I’m also spoiling the game rotten, because if you haven’t played the game yet, I strongly suggest going in completely and utterly blind. That’s how I did it, and I feel like having a wiki beside me would’ve ruined a lot of the fun. That’s what I do when going into almost any roguelike, but it matters most here since that’s a majority of the game; discovery. Discovering what each item does, all of the synergies it has, and the context in between each item. It’s a fun process that adds a lot of mystery and suspense to even the littlest of item pickups, and I cannot help but feel it’s too easily lost for newer players. EID is cool and all, but I think I’d recommend saving it, at least until the post-game. It’s your game, and the only stipulation for mods is lacking achievements until you kill Mom, but I still think the game is better experienced without EID for the first time, as finding what each item does is satisfying in it of itself. But if you do use EID, I won’t stop you from enjoying the game as you please. But, with all of that being said, it’s time to explore the Basement, and find the treasure trove that is this review! This is my full, 100%, complete review of The Binding of Isaac Rebirth! Presented proudly by ZeusDeeGoose (& co.).

Content warning for The Binding of Isaac's story contents: Brief mentions of Suicide and Self-harm, Heavy references towards Abuse and Religious discussion


I usually never cover the stories of games in any of my reviews, and usually it’s because they don’t have any impact on the overall score. Not to say that I don’t care for them, but The Binding of Isaac perfectly intertwines gameplay and story, like no other game I’ve seen. It’s like FNAF if it actually had good storytelling!!! Half kidding, but with that being said, like FNAF, The Binding of Isaac is a heavily disconnected narrative, open to various interpretations and ideas. Almost every item connects to the story in every way, and little hints are given throughout each subsequent run victory, and each unlock to paint a grim, yet realistic storyline, despite the less-than-realistic gameplay within the game itself. What I also enjoy about the storytelling is that each release of a major expansion added to the story in a meaningful way, but also stands on their own as cohesive stories. The later endings in some of the future DLCs are a little too blatant for my tastes, but we’ll get to that later.

If you’ve heard anything about The Binding of Isaac, you’ve absolutely heard about the story in some way, shape or form. Not only for how batshit it is initially, but how depressing it eventually gets. The gist of what the game tells you is that “isaac mom watch bible bwoadcasts on tv and went a little nuts thanks to a voice from above and wants to re-enact the binding of isaac but isaac jumps into a trapdoor”, but eventually transforms into “Isaac commits suicide by suffocating in a Chest because he simply couldn’t take it anymore. The End.” The reason why is because the initial story is from Isaac’s perspective, but as he slowly dies, he eventually has to face reality, and what happens after he dies, as he feels as if he’s a sinner. There is no “good ending”. Isaac will always die, no matter what. And that's what I really liked about it. Not every story needs a happy ending (and especially in a story that discusses child abuse and beliefs being used as a false justification for said abuse). But I don’t think that the point of the game’s story is that religion is necessarily bad. It’s that using religion as something to punish someone is immoral, nor should we shame those who chose to not partake in religion, and rather unfortunately, that fact is frequently ignored in our world. This game helped me be more comfortable about my own religious beliefs. As someone who has struggled over their religion as of recent, I felt so validated by Isaac’s struggles. Although I wouldn’t consider myself an atheist, I’m still struggling with who or what I believe in, or if I should even believe in any entity at all. Whilst the game never gives an answer as to if you should believe in religion, it did contribute to my thoughts of religion. I really like how Edmund McMillen never shies away from controversial topics, because I’ve never seen any game that covers religion in depth like The Binding of Isaac. The entire game’s environment reflects the grim nature of the game, not shying away from the disturbing and occasionally haunting themes of the entire game. Each area feels dishearteningly oppressive, with blood and other bodily fluids of all kinds being used to add to the environment. It’s a grotesque game, but remember that this is from the perspective of a 5 year old. That’s why the items are unidentified, being discoveries of a relatively young child in a world that’s too big for him. That’s why he believes that his mother is re-enacting the story of The Binding of Isaac, because he’s using his imagination to create false parallels between himself and the Bible. That’s why there’s a relatively low brow humor bar, spirals of shit and all. That’s why he fights himself. Due to a misunderstanding of religion, he hates what he sees in himself. Once again, as a kid who was exposed to religion constantly, I was always concerned about sinning, even the most mild sins. However, I would come to realize, that according to the Bible, your sins are forgiven easily. This is perspective that Isaac lacks; an intentional flaw in his character, and makes him fear himself. This entire misunderstanding leads to the death of him. That’s fucked up. Every element of the game, from the characters representing Isaac’s own thoughts about himself, to the items painting the picture of abuse and neglect. It’s a solid story overall, with unprecedented storytelling, with eye opening themes and a nearly flawless execution in storytelling, a story told like no other, and interpretations out the wazoo. Hell, I’ll contribute a theory right now; Range up items are often represented with more sexual items, representing libido. But as many people know, religion tends to disfavor sexual activity outside of marriage. And as the Range ups are among the worst items in the entire game, it represents this very fact. Or how the entirety of the game is a conflict of Isaac’s own personality, due to the billions of possible individual runs? BOOM, MatPat is shaking in his boots right now. Regardless, despite my several hundred hours, I'm not some lore master, I'm just here to shoot tears and have fun. I know someone who is, though! Listen, I would absolutely love to analyze the entirety of the game’s many items, hints, and even more, but that could be potentially hours of pure content, and I don’t have the time for that. I mean, this is a game, right? Of course the story couldn’t be THAT good, right? What matters more is the gameplay!

Content Warning over.

As I’ve said previously, The Binding of Isaac integrates story and gameplay almost perfectly. You traverse through randomly generated dungeons that slowly increase in difficulty, increasing in size and becoming harder as you descend down The Basement. Although the “game” is incredibly short, the threat of permanently losing all of your items looms over your head throughout the run. Each run is about 30 minutes long, meaning that dying and retrying isn’t so punishing when it happens. This one of those roguelikes that masters the “one more run” mentality that lots of roguelikes similarly embody. The game is forgiving, but If you fuck up one too many times, there’s no permanent progression loss. Each run helps contribute even the littlest of help to future runs, but more on that later down.

The controls of the game are incredibly simple, as you move with the Left Stick and shoot in 4 directions with the Right Stick (or buttons if you prefer), making the game very simple to pick up and play, and the controls themselves feel incredibly fluid and fun. As I had mentioned previously, the aesthetics of the game are incredibly strong, with the game sporting solid pixel art, supported with great visual effects, and profound sound design. The music is pretty catchy to me, and it immerses me into the run. I also like the “layers” of the tracks, which play whenever you’re locked into combat. Bosses get even more intense, with the foreboding sound effect before battle, as well as incredibly intense boss tracks. Crusade, Matricide, Ventricide, Infantcide, Ascension, I mean, jesus. Talk about a good soundtrack, guys! On your journey through The Basement, you’ll encounter items on the way down, which are what keep The Binding of Isaac so fresh and replayable. In Rebirth, there are about 300+ items to collect, all of which have different effects and abilities. Some items are triggered manually by the player, with the triggers, but a majority of items are passive, all of which give random effects and abilities. Even with the large amount of items, you’ll eventually see all of them, so what keeps the gameplay fresh and exciting for hours to come? THE SYNERGIES.

One of the defining aspect of The Binding of Isaac is it’s large focus on synergies. Almost every item has at least one notable synergy, all of which add to the replay value of the game. Not only does this ensure that the game has a consistent difficulty curve by making synergies easier to find than oxygen, but also adds a sense of individuality to each run. With the amount of items, unique interactions in between those items, and the individual room layouts, Rebirth almost feels endless to me, and this would only be improved in later releases, with more content in general. To see Isaac grow in each run, gaining a different sense of personality each run, to see him take on gods and monsters, even himself at times, makes Rebirth a joy to come back to each and every time I start a new run.

A common point of criticism with Rebirth is that it apparently takes “no skill” to win? Yeah, obviously. I find the “no skill” argument to be largely irrelevant, as yes, the game does have various items, some of which are a cut above the rest, but calling it “luck based” is a complete misunderstanding of the game’s design as a whole. In fact, I’d say Rebirth is TOO easy, but more on that later. And I can prove it, too. Not only is the ratio of bad, good, and great items extremely fair and consistent, not feeling too powerful nor weak in terms of strength, by avoiding red heart damage on a floor, they can guarantee a “deal”, primarily of which will be a Devil deal, housing some of the most powerful items within the game, in exchange for their own health. Deals are an incredibly consistent way of obtaining good items, but it requires YOU, yes, YOU, to man up and actually be good at the game. It’s Risk Vs Reward done at it’s finest; do you want that cool-ass Brimstone laser? Well, you’re going to have to survive with less HP than usual in order to keep it, and that’s just one example. If you don’t like losing your HP, you could risk getting collectively shunned by the entire community and go for deals with the Angel. These are deals which are completely free, but require you to skip taking any deals with the Devil, and they only have one item to choose from. A lot of people claim that Angel deals are unviable, but I think they’re kind of missing the point, as not risking your HP gets you the worse items. Personally, I do think Angels, while a neat idea, are still outclassed by Devil deals. But, I’m not starting another Angels VS Devils debate. Lord knows how many there’s been. But back to the main point, if you’re still struggling with the game, you can always try to unlock some new characters, many of which will benefit you compared to base Isaac, who starts with nothing until a certain point. By all accounts, the game is on your side. It’s just up to you to keep up with the game’s difficulty, which is already pretty low to begin with, but more on that later. Yes, I know I’m saying that a lot, but Rebirth is fucking huge, okay? Yes, the game is random. But you have to grab the randomness by the balls and use it to your advantage, whilst also not being too sloppy on your part to win. Like Spelunky, you have to experiment and actually think to win consistently. Victory is not guaranteed for your first couple of runs, but if you really dig deep and try everything, maybe pick up that item that you don’t know anything about, only then can you truly succeed.

But not only do you have to embrace the randomness of the game in order to win, but the game itself changes as you play, quite literally. Remember when I said that each run contributes to your future runs? Well, it’s time to talk about SECRETS. Secrets are the bread and butter of The Binding of Isaac, bestowing new stuff into almost any run. From items, to bosses, and even new floors. To go back to the story for a bit, your first end goal is to kill Mom. For your average player, this could take a fair amount of tries, as the player learns the game and adapts to the environment, combined with Mom being a pretty difficult boss for a newcomer. Mom can be quite unpredictable, with her constantly spawning enemies, while the infamous foot stomps easily catch you off guard. It serves as a skill check for the following part of the game; once you kill Mom for the first time, you get the fake-out ending, with Isaac defeating Mom, but she comes back soon after. One curious player may check out the menu and realize that there’s over 16 different endings. This starts quite possibly the longest gameplay arc of the game; The Womb. In this cursed crimson floor, you always take a full heart of damage (without The Wafer of course), and the enemies are much more dastardly than before, with a greater variety and number of them than previously, as well as less items being present than before. This shows off the progressive difficulty of the game, both in a hypothetical and literal sense, as several secrets are tied to difficulty, like the alternate floors for the first 3 floors, an increase in champions (harder versions of enemies, denoted with a specific color), and also an increase in “curses”, which are bestowed upon the current floor at random.

They try to force you to approach a floor differently, making it more difficult, to slightly mixed results. Most of these are just kind of annoying, including a no map mode, invisible HP mode, randomly teleporting to new rooms, darkness, and being unable to see items picked up. The only one that’s not annoying is the XL floors, which also skips an additional floor and gives you two item rooms. I think the main thing curses suffer from is that they lack Risk vs Reward. Take Spelunky for example, which have a similar mechanic dubbed “level feelings”. They do make the floor harder, but usually add some sort of benefit to counterbalance it. Take the darkness idea again. Yes, it makes the level darker, but you can collect fireflies for additional cash. This could easily work with Isaac, too. Putting out fires gives a higher chance for pickups, OR better quality of the pickups in general. Maybe a no Map floor gives less rooms, and a no HP floor gives more hearts. Darkness could give you an extra item, and a random teleport room has a chance of creating a new room entirely. There are so many ideas I have with curses, but it kind of sucks that they haven’t been touched at all since Rebirth’s release. As it stands, curses are an interesting idea, but they quickly become more irritating as time goes on. Not a dealbreaker by any means, but it’s a big nitpick that I have with Rebirth. On the note of nitpicks, I will also draw attention to the Challenges of the game. The in-game challenges, like curses, feel underdeveloped. Far too many of them give overpowered item combos, then ask you to simply survive. They never really feel “challenging” to the player; even Purist, which I can assume is intended to be the hardest challenge based on its underlining in the menu, is incredibly easy, even though it takes away all of the treasure rooms and shops. People who say Isaac is luck based are fuming at the mouth right now. Very little of these are even “challenging” in some way, really the only arguably difficult one is Suicide King, which has you shooting explosive tears which home back in on you, but that’s really it. And that bit about the Challenges somewhat applies to the game as a whole, as even though I believe the game forces you to get good at it, it snowballs in your favor far too easily. I may be biased with my several hundred hours of The Binding of Isaac across 4 different versions, but I’d figure I’d bring it up as it’s frequently mentioned when reflecting on Rebirth, especially now that we have Repentance. Even when your runs aren't absolutely broken, Rebirth will still be pretty easy to beat. Once again, a nitpick, one that doesn't really hold much relevance to me. I'm up for a challenge, and all that (peep my favorite games), but an easy game is usually fine to me. Aaaand, with all of that, I can say that Rebirth is essentially a perfect game (to me, at least). I'm serious, I only have 3 nitpicks with this game, all of which are pretty minor. A slightly annoying, but not detrimental game mechanic in runs, a harmless side mode that still has all of the great qualities of the main game, and a difficulty level, which doesn't really affect me. Sooooo... can I go back to talking about how good this game is?

After killing Mom’s Heart 11 times, you can access the Cathedral or Sheol, but if you’re really good at the game, avoiding Red Heart damage on Womb 2 at any kill count almost always guarantees you a deal with the Angel or Devil, which allows you to go to the Cathedral or Sheol respectively, allowing already experienced players to skip major chunks of the game. Is this a well thought out game or what? Really, what else is there to nitpick? In these areas, you have to fight either Isaac, or Satan, and do it 5 times to access each respective final chapter; The Chest or The Dark Room. However, while you’re in the process of killing all of these bosses over and over again, you may come across a hole in the wall when killing Mom. This giant room holds 4 free items, but you can walk out... if you dare. But... it can’t be that easy, right? I’ll take the best item, just to be caref- why is there boss music? This is the infamous Boss rush, an onslaught of 15 sets of 2 bosses each, and it can either be the best or worst thing ever. Boss Rush is fucking intense, even with a good run. While you have a lot of leeway, Boss Rush often leaves you scraping for more HP, doubly so if you’re playing as a character who depends on low HP. It’s a difficult, yet rewarding mode to blast through each run, with you needing to give it your all to win. Once again, RISK VS REWARD. I can’t stress this enough. Boss Rush is pretty fun, but once it’s finally over, you get another item and yet another secret to mark your victory.

The final floors of Rebirth, The Chest and The Dark Room are essentially a victory lap, with each individual chest giving you a different item for the final battle, between... Isaac but dead??? Or The Lamb. Each path sports wholly unique fights and enemy patterns, making it feel like both are different enough from each other. Dead Isaac is probably my least favorite of the two; the fight ends before it can really get good; hell, I’d even say Isaac is harder in some cases. But The Lamb is a fair bit better than its blue brethren. He has a larger amount of HP, and he actually throws out ipecac shots, which explode. And then, his head and body splits at 50% HP, with the head gaining a few more tricky attacks than before. And the music in each fight is fucking INTENSE. Ascension is my favorite track in the game, bar none. It’s so ridiculously epic, like holy shit. It really feels like you’re overcoming the great dread within you. There’s so much damn BASS. It truly feels like the final battle. The Fallen Angel is a little worse than Ascension, but I still like it. It just gets a little too repetitive for my liking, that’s all. But it still feels pretty awesome. I know I already gassed up the Rebirth soundtrack to kingdom come, but holy FUCK it’s genuinely incredible. It knows when to rock out, how to be somber, and how to convey Isaac’s thoughts. It’s great. Diptera Sonata always feels like you’re on the edge of what your next run may have, Sodden Hollow is really fucking groovy, Abyss feels just like the title, and Viscera... Well, disregarding that, THE CELLAR! That awesome rock tune will never fail to be an earworm. Crusade makes every single Dingle look like fucking Sans. And The Calm makes you reflect on your past floor, what to do, where to go next. I could go ON AND ON about how good this game is, you have no IDEA. And you thought we were done? HELL NO! Once you beat either Dead Isaac or The Lamb once, something... interesting happens.

The game ominously states that the Angels “are waiting”? Well, I think you all know what that means. It’s time to go back into the Basement for one last time! Give Satan the middle finger, and head into the arms of Christ? And what happens? Uhhhh... The angels aren’t doing anything. Walking into them doesn’t do anything. What about a bomb?

The famous last words of zeusdeegoose. Rest in Peace, 2023-2024

Bombing the Angel Statue initiates a boss battle with an Angel, which REALLY caught me off guard. But after defeating the Angel, you get... Key Piece 1? Okay, so then you have to get another Key Piece by bombing another Angel, and then make your way down to Chapter 6, for the final time. A massive golden door appears, and after collecting all 4 items in the room, feel free to head in. And then... for REAL this time... you can fight Mega Satan, god, I am tired.
It’s not a bad fight; far from it, in fact. It kind of reminds me of shmup arcade games, in a way. It’s a massive arena, and Mega Satan is at the forefront of it all. He spawns hundreds of bullets, while you keep shooting him. And in his second phase, his skull appears (Terraria reference), spewing flames at you. But once his skull cracks ONCE AND FOR ALL, with potentially over a HUNDRED runs done by the player already, you think you’re done, right? Well, kind of. This is the end of all of Rebirth’s campaign, but 100%ing is a different story. You have 6 completion marks you have on each respective character, which are, as follows: Mom’s Heart, Boss Rush, Isaac, Satan, Dead Isaac, and The Lamb. And you need to do all of that on all 10 characters in Hard Mode, which predictably makes the game harder. So you can realistically expect to do that in 2-3 runs. I’d complain about the monotony of this, but like I said, Rebirth already encourages replayability to the fullest degree, so it’s actually really fun. Quickly, to save my fingers from carpal tunnel, the characters in Rebirth are solid, having their own strengths and weaknesses. Isaac is the basic bitch, Cain is lucky and does a little more damage, Maggy is the skill issue character, Judas is the glass cannon, Eve is the self-damaging character, ??? is the intentionally bad, but still fun character, Samson is the skill issue character, Lazarus is the skill issue character, Azazel is the best character in the game, and Eden is the genderfluid one (kind of like me). Yes, the game could use a lot less characters based on self damage, and the characters are a LITTLE too similar to base Isaac for comfort, but everything else about them is fundamentally solid. So after doing all of that, which will probably take you a good week or so, boom. All unlocks for every character. Are you still done? Hell no! You still have to do all 20 challenges, a majority of which are free and are already probably done at this point, so yeah. Easy. And after ALL of that, are you still done? NO. You have to fill the Donation Machine all the way up to 999 coins, or you can use a glitch to do it. Are you STILL done? HELLLLLLLLLLL NO, GIRL. Do all of this miscellaneous bullshit, like playing the slot machine. Are you still done? Have you explored every nook and cranny for the Plat- NO YOU FUCKING BUFFOON. You have to touch every item, which isn’t too hard on it’s own, as you’ll probably do all of this during your trip to Platinum God. But... after all of that, you finally set down your controller (or keyboard, if you’re one of those people?) satisfyingly, knowing that one of the greatest games of all time has been officially 100%ed. You are a Platinum God, friend! Welcome to the club, drinks are in the fridge. But... you feel... odd. Your achievements say that there’s still roughly a dozen to go. Could there be something... you’re... missing?

WAIT. You remember how I talked about the game’s numerous secrets? Well, take that literally, because there's a secret SO complex, that it's nearly impossible to figure out on your own. In fact, it was so secret that it had to be datamined exactly 109 hours after Rebirth released. What’s the secret, you may ask? If Isaac dies in a Sacrifice Room with The Missing Poster, it will show a piece of a torn-off paper, revealing itself to be the next secret to the puzzle, that being Isaac’s Last Will (the death screen which states where you are and what you were killed by). If, in sequential order, Isaac gets killed by a Mulliboom in The Basement, Magdalene kills herself with her own bombs in The Caves, Judas is killed by Mom, and Azazel is killed by Satan, a new character is unlocked, which is the bane of my and many other Rebirth players’ existence.

THE MOTHERFUCKING LOST. The Lost is by far one of the WORST characters in any roguelikes history, more specifically the REBIRTH incarnation and the Rebirth version ALONE. He only has 2 benefits. One; he starts with flight, which is always great, and he can get free deals with the Devil no matter what, which is always pretty cool. So what's the tradeoff? YOU HAVE NO FUCKING WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST ANY DAMAGE. NONE, NADA. Get hit once due to a bad dodge? Eat SHIT, go back all the way to the FUCKING BASEMENT, NERD. I mean, shit! Talk about punishing design, one that's not ultimately suited for this game. Sure, The Lost is an intentionally bad character, but ??? (the other “challenge” character), gave the player lenience when it came to their mistakes, but it also forced you to rethink your entire strategy. Devil Deals are much riskier with ??? as a result of your lack of red heart containers, and you have to take less damage in general as well if you want any chance of survival. The Lost feels like ramming your head into a wall until you see pretty stars and pass out. And yes, you could argue that The Lost can get Holy Mantle, or Dead Cat for an easier time. But that’s quite literally luck based, and isn’t fun. I got all of his marks in Rebirth ONCE on the 3DS. And quite frankly, I’m not interested in doing it ever again. The only silver lining is that you never need to play as him, unless you’re doing 100%, and you also don’t have to fight Mega Satan as him for 100% because he’s not a mark. But disregarding all of that, FUCK The Lost, and thank god for Afterbirth making him actually fun to play as. But this is Rebirth, so yeah. Fuck that guy. You have to do ALL of his marks in Hard Mode, but what do you get for all of your troubles? One of the best items in the game, GODHEAD. The TRUE mark of mastery. Although I think The Lost is a fundamentally flawed character, I won’t say that powering through and finally unlocking Godhead, alongside all of these other cool items isn’t satisfying. Now, after all of that, you can actually rest easy... until you check out Edmund’s Tumblr to find out there’s a new DLC get fucked LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Disregarding The Lost and the like, I believe Isaac Rebirth is one of the greatest video games ever crafted, with very little flaws overall. I do have my gripes with it, of course, like any game, but at the end of the day, it’s still one of the greatest roguelikes to be released to date. Even games like Dead Cells and lots of non-traditional roguelikes have their roots within The Binding of Isaac. The Binding of Isaac has become less of a game, and more of a starting platform for aspiring creators and artists (including me, peep this). I could barely find a flaw in Rebirth's gameplay that isn't just a nitpick. It's a fundamentally sound game, with almost endless replayability. And did I even mention how fucking addictive Rebirth is? Seriously, even after 700 hours across numerous platforms in the span of a year, I still play Rebirth to this day. It's a game I'll probably never get tired of popping it in and starting a new descent into the Basement. And when I get my hands on the Switch release, oh man. But, what's next for Isaac? Well, what happens after Birth? A postpartum!

“A birth in full bloom / Endless basement drenched in gore / Stuck in the nightmare...” - “A Rebirth” by zeusdeegoose, Written on 4/22/24

When Rebirth released, it was clear that it was a smash hit. So of COURSE they would capitalize on Rebirth’s success. For the record, I've never played Afterbirth standalone until this review. It’s a good DLC, no doubt, but the quality difference between Rebirth and Afterbirth is a bit apparent. Rebirth is an incredible game, but Afterbirth is just a good one. It doesn’t really change the formula at all, instead adding more to the core gameplay, which is totally fine as Rebirth is essentially a perfect game in my eyes. So, let’s hop into the Basement once more, shall we?

Okay, right off the bat, Afterbirth sports some improvements over Rebirth. Numerous items have been altered, usually for the better. Numerous items, including Dr Fetus and Bob’s Rotten Head have scaling damage now, an inarguable improvement overall. Lost Contact now allows familiars to block shots as well. Numerous items can be stacked now, like Mom’s Knife shooting two knives. Head of Krampus now rotates occasionally. That’s sort of annoying, but I’ll take it. Flush now one-shots all Poop-based bosses, neat. Most importantly, a lot of new synergies have been added to the mix, most notably to Dr. Fetus and Brimstone. But, arguably, the most important rework; Troll Bombs now explode at random intervals, fuck you. Jokes aside, Afterbirth added a whole lot of tweaks to improve the gameplay of Rebirth, which is pretty nice to say the least. Sacrifice rooms are actually good now, there’s a fuck ton of new room layouts, and now if you’ve unlocked It Lives, a Deal door on Womb 2 now actually has a deal! It’s a lot of minute shit, but hey, it’s nice to see. The two major additions of this expansion come in an entirely new game mode, and also an addition to the already existing campaign. We’ll cover the latter first.

By killing Mom’s Heart in under 30 minutes, you gain access to the... Blue Womb? It’s not a major floor, which is a bit of a shame. It has 2 treasure rooms, a shop, and the Boss door, which houses... Hush. Hush... is in a weird spot. I don’t hate him all too much, but I don’t really like him that much, either. First off, you start off with a Blue Baby fight, and then after he dies... the real Hush spawns? Okay... He shoots a million bullets, which are decently difficult to dodge. God, when does this boss end? He has so much HP! And now he’s attacking really fas- oh, and I died. Okay... Hush has had an issue since Afterbirth that makes him ridiculously fast if he gets to 50% HP, and while it doesn’t make the fight impossible by a long shot, it does make the fight occasionally irritating. When you get a continuum attack combined with his eye lasers, be prepared to take damage, because I 100%, zeusdeegoose guarantee you that it will happen. Aside from that, the fight is okay I suppose. It takes a little long... Actually now that I think about it, Mega Satan takes a little longer now. What’s up with that? Well, this is called “Boss Armor”, a mechanic introduced in Afterbirth which aims to make fights more challenging for those who have higher DPS in a single run. Depending on your DPS (and actual damage stat), about 9% of your attack’s original damage can get cut to compensate for you higher damage. It’s a bit of a dilemma. Sure, it levels the playing field for those who have slightly less than desirable runs, but on the other hand, it doesn’t really make bosses “harder”. In the end, it’s not really something to knock against the game since it really doesn’t affect you too much in the long term, but it is something that I should note here. Hush is kind of disappointing, but he’s a harmless side addition to runs. Once you kill him at least once, you get an ending which depicts Isaac dying once more in the Chest, and then seeing his new life in Purgatory. After that, we see his Mom opening the Chest, only to find his skeleton. The ending is skipped on subsequent runs, and instead lets you go to the Cathedral or Sheol, just like in a regular Womb run. I really wish that the Blue Womb was a full floor, like almost every other end-game floor. In the files, there’s actually some enemies that go totally unused in the game, which is a shame. Having a big, open floor with a bunch of enemies to kill before you fight a boss would be cool. But as is, it’s just fine. Hey, at least you get 2 extra items for doing it! So... what else is going on in Afterbirth?

Well, the Basement also received some new renovations! Introducing, the Burning Basement, Flooded Caves, the Dankest Depths, and the Scarred Womb. These aren’t wholly new floors, but they attempt to change the fundamental designs of each floor, somewhat akin to curses. For example, the Burning Basement focuses on grounded enemies, rather than flying enemies. The levels have entirely new aesthetics and enemies, and I really like what they did here. All of the remixes slap HARD. Kave Diluvii is among my favorite tracks in the game. It’s pretty groovy and relaxed compared to the normal Caves track. Afterbirth’s soundtrack meets the bar of Rebirth’s, and fits in perfectly with the older tracks. Great stuff overall. Speaking of Basement renovations, there’s new room layouts!!! Uh... New achievements... Shit... Looks like we have to talk about the elephant in the room, right?

Greed Mode is a bit of a controversial game mode. Many dislike it, and believe it’s removal would be a net positive. Perhaps my spiciest take on this site, Greed Mode... is actually really fun! Yeah, it can get repetitive, and it does have it’s issues, but I think it’s a solid alternative to the main game. Essentially, you’re in a large ass arena, with a treasure room, boss pool item, and a curse room. You collect coins for each round you pass, and you spend them in a shop which holds various infinitely respawning pickups, and also items and trinkets. What I like about Greed Mode is that they try to keep the original Isaac spirit in-tact. Not only is there still secret rooms and the like, you can still earn deals. Whilst deals are no longer earned from no-hitting floors, as that’d be far too difficult, instead, you have to clear an additional round of harder bosses, which is a solid tradeoff. In fact, compared to the regular modes, Greed mode promotes defensive builds. Angel deals are EXTREMELY overpowered in Greed Mode, because you can get tons of more items thanks to the guaranteed chance. And since Angel deals tend to give more HP, Devil Deals are essentially irrelevant. Hell, even Devil Deals got NERFED. Now they have a bunch of... out of place items? Seriously, why is Technology here? Good item, but why is it here? And since red HP infinitely restocks in the shop, and are cheaper than soul hearts, why would you even go for a soul heart build? As I was making my way down, I noticed something odd. There’s 2 new floors, the Shop and... Ultra Greed? Shop is your typical Greed Mode floor, minus the treasure room and Boss item room; a weird omission but I’ll allow it. And then, Ultra Greed, the final floor... is seriously awesome! First off, you fight Regular Greed and a few other bosses, most of which you’ll clap within seconds, but Ultra Greed is the main attraction. He’s a fast and dynamic fight, spinning around, throwing hundreds of projectiles at you, and the slot machine attack always forces you to move across the arena, lest he gain a gajillion enemies to fight for him, or even heal. Also, this fucking song. It’s probably one of my favorite fights in the game, if I’m being honest. But once you kill him, he drops a Greed Donation Machine, and you can all tell where this is going. Yep, you gotta fill it all up for 100%. And don’t be so hasty with your spending in previous floors. Greed Mode challenges you to deliberately take less items in order to get more cool ass unlocks. Risk vs Reward, anybody? I would praise Greed Mode if it weren’t for one, small issue. The game crashed whenever I got to 109 coins in the Donation Machine. Yeah, I have no idea why, but they fixed it now. At least I can earn the new unlocks in Greed Mode. It’s pretty standard for the most part. Eve holds the Razor, nickel shopkeep- THE LOST HOLDS MANTLE NOW??? 10/10 DLC, BUY NOW. Wait a second, when did they fix this? 109 hours after Afterbirth’s release? Perhaps it’s a coincidence, or maybe they’re poking fun at themselves. What else is there in this DLC... Oh! What about the improved collection page introduced in Afterb- Wait, what about the 109th item? It’s Money = Power, that’s been in Rebirth for a while now. Maybe I’ll check over it one last time. “Where are you”? Wait... The Lost earns the Holy Mantle? He was datamined, right? How many hours after release? 109?! No... this can’t be! A NEW CHARACTER???

Yes folks, you heard me right. An ARG took place spanning the course of over a month after Afterbirth’s release, involving phone calls to numbers with pre recorded voicemails, to discovering Imgur links by converting Achievement text to ASCII code, to finding a Twitter account with a password by digging up a mini-statue with the account name and the password with it. THAT is fucking dedication right there, and really shows that they cared about Afterbirth’s release. But... who’s this new guy? Or, before I get ahead of myself, who’s this new girl? Lilith, unlocked by slaying Ultra Greed as Azazel, is a very familiar-centric character, who can’t shoot tears, but instead fights with an Incubus. She also starts with Box of Friends, which doubles all of her Familiars. Aaaand, that’s it! She’s not a terribly deep character to play. You essentially double your damage each time you use Box of Friends, and that’s it. Fighting with the familiar can be pretty disorienting at times, and exploding tears may as well be a death wish for those who dare pick them up with Lilith. If you unironically grab Dr. Fetus with Lilith, you are a US Marine, my friend. But, other than that, she’s decently fun. Anyways, the main attraction. The motherfucking KEEPER. Keeper is the Rebirth Lost of Afterbirth. The bottom-tier bitch that everyone hates to play as, except the Isaac die-hards who suck Edmund off daily. The Keeper has 2 “coin hearts'' and cannot gain anymore (he only heals with coins), which counts as red heart damage, meaning you cannot get hit for deals, and he has shit stats, but at least he has a triple shot. Yeah, he fucking sucks, Obviously. But the only reason I’m not raging out of my ass is that he holds the Wooden Nickel at a certain point, an activated item that has a 50/50 chance to drop a coin. The sad part is that he also has some pretty bad unlocks, meaning there’s no reason to play as him, discounting 100%. Sure, Deep Pockets is okay I suppose, and got a little better in Repentance, but the rest are kind of duds, and Sticky Nickels are effectively a downgrade. And of course, you have to do all of his marks in Hard Mode for 100%, as well as all of the other character’s marks. Now you have to do Hush, Ultra Greed, and now Mega Satan, from Rebirth. And hey, now once you get all of a character’s marks, you get a secret! Aside from the usual “pick up every item”, “do every challenge” stick, Afterbirth 100% is pretty relaxed compared to Rebirth. There aren't many achievements which you'll need a guide to get; in fact, the only miscellaneous achievement is Blinding Baby, which requires you to use Blank Card with The Sun. Sure, The Keeper may suck the biggest dildo imaginable, but other than that, this isn't too hard! In fact, they made some achievements easier, such as The Lost's unlocks, and getting Super Meat Boy and Bandage Girl! In fact, it's kind of… too easy? Now that The Lost is free-er than oxygen, not much stands between you and 100%. Keeper is mildly annoying, but if you can kill Hush as The Lost, you can definitely do it as The Keeper. Some challenges can be hellish, like Brains, but it's far from difficult. I'm surprised that they didn't double down on the difficulty, but eh, nitpicks, nitpicks. And with that, 100% in Afterbirth is finally ACHIEVED! Oh, yeah, 1001%! And the game called me a nerd, fuck you.

Afterbirth isn't as good as what came before it, that being Rebirth, but I think it was still a solid update to a phenomenal game overall. Sure, it might not be as groundbreaking as said predecessor, but treading new grounds wasn’t needed as Rebirth was already a damn good game to begin with. Afterbirth could only really add to said greatness, and I think that it works overall. Still as addictive as ever, and a pretty fun video game. But there’s one question that lays within everyone’s minds. What happens after a postpartum? A… postpartum… Plus… oh, I am in hell.

“The Keeper of fate / Greed overwhelms, grasps the helm / Much wealth harms the health” - “Afterbirth” by zeusdeegoose, Written on 4/22/24

Back on Splatoon 2's FinalFest, I was in Team Order. Not only did it strike me as the preferable moral choice, it also seemed like the less hacky threat to theme the next game around. I don't think there's a Nintendo baddie who wouldn't align themselves with Team Chaos, and it seemed easy to picture how that would pair with Splatoon's colourful, forever teenage aesthetic. I wanted to know what an orderly Splatoon would be. It seems the developers were fairly inspired by the curious prompt, too, as they pretty much ignored the divine authority of SplatFest results to deliver this vision as a bit of DLC.

Side Order has a pretty conservative approach to random elements, and that's both a good and bad thing. While I was pretty cold to the idea of Nintendo's new generation of developers handing over the game design tools to an algorithm, the levels here are all tailored with the same care they've traditionally put into the series' single-player content. There just isn't all that much of it. This is billed as a mode that you can play endlessly. One run through Side Order takes roughly half an hour, and the bulk of any two runs will be spent on the same stages. The variables are meaningful, and help to build skills you can carry over to the main multiplayer content, but I don't know if it'll have much meaningful impact outside of Splatoon's active playerbase.

Each run through Side Order asks you to select a pre-made weapon loadout and presents you with 30 floors of a tower to beat. Each one presents you with a random selection of three levels to pick from, each marked with their own difficulty rating and completion rewards. Levels each come with one of five objectives, and all involve either chasing or defending a target while fighting off oncoming enemies. It's fun, but it doesn't really offer the variety or complexity of a typical single-player campaign. I don't think anybody outside of the most hardcore fans will play through it with every loadout.

The thing is, Splatoon gets to use its characters, aesthetic and themes as a crutch. For the most engaged fans who lap up this stuff, this side of the DLC makes up for the relatively shallow pool of content. There's a lot of direct callbacks and narrative ties to previous games and a good amount of Splatoon deeplore stuff. It just seems to repeat a lot of the same beats we've already seen, and the only people who will care about this aspect of the content are the same people who will be bothered by those things.

It's a big showcase for Splatoon 2's pop duo, Off the Hook, with Pearl acting as a Bowser's Fury-style drone partner, taking out swarming enemies and shouting out words of encouragement as you play. She's a pretty good fit for it, really. It was kind of funny to see Marie take a similar role in Splatoon 2, trying to inspire action without losing her cool, but if Splatoon wasn't so committed to its characterisation, she'd have been hooting and hollering like Pearl throughout it. Dialogue and unlockable written content relentlessly reinstate how much Marina and Pearl love each other, though despite the burgeoning enthusiasm from a significant segment of the fanbase, it appears we're not going to see explicit confirmation of a gay relationship in a game from the publishers of Tomodachi Life anytime soon.

Playing through Side Order with different weapon loadouts (each one themed around a familiar Splatoon character, of course) will unlock further weapons, in-game cash to spend on upgrades, and entries from Marina's diary. These act like the Squid Sister Stories did in the runup to Splatoon 2, offering us a little insight on Marina's perspective following Team Chaos's victory, but it's relatively perfunctory. Marina's a fairly pristine character, uniquely talented in a range of interests, and full of love for everyone. It's hard to imagine her doing something maliciously. The developers have far less conviction in pinning her as a villain as they did for Callie in Splatoon 2, putting a lid on the possibility before you even see Side Order's opening titles. It's a little underwhelming, but I respect the team's commitment to established characterisation before everything else. We might get less exciting stories for it, but when the fans watch the concerts, they fully believe in those dancing fish people. You don't want to mess with that.

I'm a little anxious that the politics have taken a bit of a backseat in Splatoon now. Pikmin 4 was guilty of the same, and I really don't want it to be something Nintendo shies away from. Octo Expansion took a really big swing on this stuff. Not only did it deliver a fairly earnest anti-racist message in a way that really complemented the established characters and setting, I was fucking thrilled with how it put the game's ecological message into stark view. Implying that there's something to be learned from the energy and passion of the youth movement of the late sixties, by homaging Planet of the Apes' post-apocalyptic revelation with its sunken Statue of Liberty, but also presenting it in the most Splatoon way possible, with you grinding around it on midair ink rails to a thumping soundtrack and rapidfiring at Lady Liberty's pulsing weak spots. It's difficult for me to think of any part of a videogame that I love more than Octo Expansion's final hours. I was with Splatoon since Day One, and this was the perfect way to tell me that my good will had paid off. Presenting the oncoming climate emergency and subsequent extinction of the human race, not only as a solid fact, but a rollercoaster with popstars and dualwielded uzis. There's nothing like that in Side Order. Just a loose implication that dogmatic authoritarianism is a flawed attitude. It feels pretty lame by contrast. I don't know if anybody else gets as much out of this side of Splatoon, and I don't think they can repeat that high. I just feel obliged to keep prodding the developers to get radical again.

That's not to say that Side Order makes no meaningful progress on the story. Following up on the liberation of the Octoling army, we're given some insight into who those people were and how their lives have changed since. It's significant to our understanding of Marina, and shows commitment to the continuity. It didn't stir me too much, personally, but if there had been so much as a comment from a Squid Sister, I know I'd have been far more invested.

Completing Side Order gives players the ability to set Splatoon 2's Inkopolis Square as their main hub. It's kind of weird to be seeing nostalgia for a game on the same console, but with all the signs that the Switch may be wrapping things up, there is a bit of ennui in going back to the 2017 stuff right now. As a big fan of Zelda, Mario and Splatoon, that year was a complete thrill ride for me. Not only was there excitement for this new console, we were giddy for a version of Nintendo that put all its focus on a single platform. There seemed to be a massive new title every month, for a while. As remarkable a system as it became, I think it's fair to say it didn't really carry on that same trajectory for long. With Tears of the Kingdom, Xenoblade Chronicles 3 and the Mario Kart 8 DLC, it feels like Nintendo have just been trying to repeat those 2017 successes, rather than continue on that journey of invention. Splatoon 2 is good, Splatoon 3 is good, and Side Order is good, but Octo Expansion had me thinking the series would change and get far more ambitious. I don't think that's happened. It's like we've seen everything it can be, and all we can expect now are minor tweaks. I still want Portal 2/Resident Evil 4 structure in single-player Splatoon. I just have far less faith it's going to happen, now.

I'm the kind of fan who paid for this as soon as possible to get access to the Splatoon 1 hub. Of course this is what my criticism is going to look like.

I think Yakuza 8's tone is best summarised by a multipart sidequest, where an old man asks you to comfort his dying wife by finding a way to make it snow in Hawaii. By the end of it, Kasuga is on a rooftop throwing handfuls of shaved ice with a gang of naked nappy fetishists.

Fun is fun. It is. It can be difficult to enjoy when we're more interested in the serious stuff, though. For Kasuga, Yakuza 8 really works. After all the homeless villages, abandoned buildings and sewer dungeons of 7, it's great to see him having fun in friendly, sunny Hawaii, pressing the Aloha Button to befriend everyone in town with his infectious enthusiasm. This is still an RPG, which only makes sense for the man who found his role models in Dragon Quest. It's really weird to use this game to attempt to tell a very significant chapter in Kazuma Kiryu's story at the same time.

I'm not saying they did a bad job of it. Just weird. In its later sections, the story gets quite relentless in recalling events from previous entries, and paying homage to the earliest games. So it's weird that he's doing it all as an RPG, imagining aggressors as Dragon Quest-style monsters, forming a party of Ichiban Kasuga's friends, and keeping everyone who ever held a personal significance to his past at a distance. It never really convinced me. I didn't fear for his life. They'd surely be doing better by Kaz if these were to be his final moments.

Yakuza 8 also pairs Kasuga against a new rival character of dubious morals. It's easy to see what they're doing. Kasuga inherited Kiryu's earnesty and selflessness, and Majima's larger than life personality. That leaves Yutaka Yamai with Kiryu's seriousness and Majima's unpredictable scariness. The two have a fairly similar dynamic, and it could feel like we're retreading old ground before long, but it still feels fresh right now. It's still surprising when scary Yamai goes against the odds to do a favour for Kasuga. With Majima, there was always a sense that it was fun for him to keep Kiryu-chan around, and maybe he was toying with him. If Yamai does it, it's because there's more humanity to him than he lets on. I don't know how deep you can mine that, but it didn't take long for Majima's shtick to get comically worn out, either. That kind of worked, though, as he became a lovable irritant against Kazuma's stoicism. I guess Yamai could serve to pull Kasuga back in line if he's going off the rails, but that's all up in the air at this point.

Anyway, story and tone aside, the game is fun! That's what they're going for, here. Bright, cheerful holiday setting. There's a Crazy Taxi homage food delivery minigame, a Pokémon Snap parody where you photograph wandering perverts, and an enormous number of big daft sidequests. It's quite happy to get loud, stupid and obnoxious, but it works when it's paired with characters you really like and believe in. Even the most lowbrow public event can be fun if you've got good friends with you. Again, this is more Kasuga's game than Kiryu's, though the message of opening up and putting your trust in others does play into his story, even if it's a little awkward in a game that's this Kasuga-hued.

It's a bit all over the place, really. A game this enormous lies on its variety, but it undermines the tonal shifts quite often. There's serious stuff here, and curiously, a lot of overlapping themes with MGS1. The failings of nuclear waste disposal, the discovery of a vengeful brother, and a new generation of soldiers/yakuza in a world that no longer needs them. Besides that, it's quite refreshing to see a Yakuza take on American culture, with its racist police and cruel disregard of the homeless. It's fun to see these topics covered by a series with this kind of poetic melodrama and infallible heroes.

Seeing a Yakuza game that primarily takes place in an English-speaking country is a real sign of how far the series' global popularity has come. They've incorporated American writers and voice talent in a way that would have seemed inconceivable back in their struggling PS3 days. There's a fairly absurd conceit that pretty much everyone in Hawaii is a fluent Japanese speaker, and the game pretty much forgets the dynamic of non-English speakers exploring an American city after a few hours. The Japanese audio track has a fairly awkward approach to it, really. Characters who are written as bilingual sometimes have separate actors for their English and Japanese dialogue. A few of the bigger characters have their Japanese actors record both parts, and some of them are supposed to be native-born American citizens. Suffice to say, they're not very convincing, and the subtitles are doing a lot of heavy lifting. If you want to play a version of this game with fully coherent English dialogue, there's a full voice track just for you. I'm just glad these games give global audiences a reason to become Akio Otsuka fans.

Even if they don't really work for Kazuma's part of the game, I still find the RPG parodies cute. Some of the Pokémon stuff, about how Hawaii is a "different region", "blessed by the Sun and the Moon" made me smile. They're working overtime, not only translating in-jokey dialogue for Japanese fans who know Pokémon, but turning them into jokes based on how the franchise has been presented in the west for the last 25 years. Yakuza localisation staff ought to have the same level of societal respect as astronauts and medical scientists, and I'm totally in their camp when they do something corny and absurd like explaining that Sujimon are dubious figures who make people around them "Super Jittery". Thousands of white guys know how to play mahjong because of the boundless effort of these professionals. We should embrace their sweatiest reconstructions of stupid Japanese puns.

Yakuza 8 is huge, features multiple cities, and a bunch of optional content. There's one that overwhelmed my playthrough, though, taking me out of the thrust of the story for almost a full week-

DONDOKO ISLAND

Dondoko Island introduces itself as a straight-up Animal Crossing: New Horizons clone. It's a tropical holiday resort that you have to help to rebuild. You catch fish and insects, chop down trees, break rocks and construct furniture to sell to the shop. It makes no secret of its inspiration. It's a blatant parody. The shop even swaps out its three pieces of furniture on display each day. It's once the grounding has been established that it really shows its true form. You're attempting to make the island as pleasant for visitors as possible, to get cash. This isn't Animal Crossing. It's an old Maxis/Bullfrog PC sim game on top of Animal Crossing. It's frighteningly addictive. Each day is a rush to collect resources, construct souvenirs and attractions for the visitors, and defend the island from fly-tipping pirates. There are actual real-time fights in this, though they're simplified to one-button attacks and dodges to keep things snappy. You have a life-bar, and if the enemies do too much damage, you might want to call it an early night to fully recover. You'll also want to upgrade your tools to fight and mine more efficiently as you make the most of each day. The days last about 10 minutes a piece, and feels ever more frantic as your resort and visitor numbers expand. Got to fill out that daily checklist, gather the resources for that dream project and maybe even fix up your house a little, if you somehow find the time somewhere. You try to be as efficient as possible, but there's no chance you're getting everything done. Thankfully, there is a definite end to the expansion and subplot. A point where you can call your work done, and return to the main story. Even after that, though, it remains one of the easiest sources of income in the game. When you're short of scratch for a new weapon, it's very easy to jump back on Dolphine and sink a few more days into island management.


Yakuza 8 is fun. It's mock-significant, and having finished it, I don't know how much of its story will have long-term impact. We got a few new characters out of it, and some more depth to their relationships, but they continue to kick the can down the road with Kazuma Kiryu's hypothetically inevitable departure. I never felt like Kasuga's crew were the most important people in Kazuma's life, or that the new baddies really held that much personal significance to him. If we're going to get Kazuma Kiryu stories, they'll need to be in Kazuma Kiryu games. As good as it may be, it just doesn't fit into an Ichiban Kasuga one. I never thought I'd end this asking for another Kazuma Kiryu game, but we're not ending his story like this.