I am fascinated by Stellar Blade and what this game might mean for the future for video games. It's going to sound like I hate this game, but I don't. I think it's Fine™.

First off, my only real criticisms is that THE PARRYING IS BAD. DELAYED FRAME WINDOWS FOR PARRYING IS BAD. If you are going to have parrying in your game, and the parry timing is not finely tuned to the animation of an attack, then the game is going to suffer because of it. Lies of P did this shit, too. We are half a decade removed from the release of Sekiro. The excuses are running thin for games like this to function this way. Though for Stellar Blade, I genuinely do think too much processing power of the engine was afforded on the hair of Eve and is literally affecting everything about the performance of the game. Such a weird problem.

Secondly, the plot and characters are just so bad that I find it cannot be enjoyed in an ironic way. This game is so earnest in it's stupidity, turning on my brain to pay attention to the game's narrative actually felt like it was my fault. You play as android woman named EVE and you meet a guy named ADAM and you two are basically the last people on EARTH. It's not deep, it is in fact stupid as fuck. But, at the end of the day, I like the fact that Stellar Blade thinks it is deep. I suggest being completely detached from caring about what's going on; as it saved me from brain poison damage. But who cares what I think. It's Souls gameplay with pristine Korean waifus with big fucking titties and asses. Shut up, me. You dipshit motherfucker. I'll kill you.

If it wasn't obvious, this game wants to be Nier Automata Souls Asura's Wrath Bayonetta. The intro of the game is VERY similar how Asura's Wrath started just swapped with Korean mobile game models usually reserved for Gacha-pull auto-battlers -- doing WW2 D-Day Normandy Beach-style Helldivers ODST dropping onto the Earth doing Bayonetta moves before getting torn to pieces like Gears of War characters by Infernal Demons. There are other games you could pull into the conversation that Stellar Blade reminds you of and you'd be on the money. The game is a homunculus of other game ideas. Stellar Blade is just the title that dared to glue every game it like together like this. It feels like an astounding ripoff with enough effort put in it's distinctions for me to not feel mad about it.

After the intro, the game settles into being Nier Automata with Souls gameplay. You know what? That mix sounds pretty damn nice. It IS pretty nice sometimes. It needs a lot of fucking work, but Stellar Blade made a good first attempt.

I love the checkpoint system, I like the earnest exploration of the environments. It's a goddamn Souls game with platforming. You can autofill what to expect from there.

Tangentially related, but sometimes I wonder how much being a perpetually online, horny weirdo is actually bad for anyone long-term. How mobile games conditioned porn-addled individuals to latch onto this game like a big-titted, zero personality octopus dragging a victim into the ocean. How much the sexiness of Eve was factored into the marketing equation as a distraction from Stellar Blade's unpolished elements. On the flip side, seeing a character like Eve on the cover and the game not being a complete waste of time is an unironic step forward for the gaming industry.

Stellar Blade should be something more aligned with how it paints itself. I waited for something beneath the veneer of this game to make itself known, only to let myself down when it didn't really happen. This shit REALLY ain't that deep. Which is ok, but why go through the effort of pretending? You know? Hello? Are you listening? It feels like I'm not being heard right now. You know what? Fuck it, whatever. Let's move on.

Stellar Blade is a marriage of two camps in gaming; the allure of Korean mobile games and the sunsetting trends of console adventure epics. Let me put it this way: if this game came out on PS3 it would be considered among one of the best games of its generation. It is a PS5 game, though. And there is better out there.

I don't know where things in the gaming landscape go from here, but I can only hope gaming experiences that the DNA of Stellar Blade represents can only be improved upon with time and focus. The dozens of games liquidated into the essence it thrives on is hopefully put to better use.

That in the near future, seemingly shallow game experiences will have depth.

That people with mammoth titties have a few brain cells, too.

That people who want to suck on those titties take a shower every now and then.

Art and beauty co-existing; as one cannot really exist in any meaningful capacity without the other.

Them titties though bro holy shit.

Hey it's astoundingly obscure and good go play it.

Not many people in the world have even heard of Giftpia. It's a the first game from the Chibi-Robo devs and it makes me regret ever describing something as a fever dream, because this is as about as fever-dream-y as it can get. Not the kind of fever dream where reality is completely broken down, but the more subtle kind where things are off, and the unconscious mind is unable to parse what that is exactly.

Everyone is animated like wet noodles. They talk like broken wind-up toys. They make odd noises and their psychobabble language is filtered with a variety of effects like someone just discovered audio software for the first time. It's fucking cool, actually.

This game is a barely sensical, earnest slapstick comedy where your character does one goofy thing after the next just to keep the roller coaster ride going. You will almost at all times ask yourself "why am I doing any of this". Just go with it. The surreal nonsense is the ride.

Giftpia is a gift in of itself. It's a palette-cleansing good time. A reminder that Nintendo of Japan just let whatever on the Gamecube so long as it never came out in English ever, ever.
I genuinely do think this game and Captain Rainbow should be remembered more, but accessing English translations is a little rough for the normies and the translation job is not 100% done (it's 95% done they just gave up at the end)

Listen, I love this game. I don't like obscure video games hardly anyone has played being some of my favorite things ever. I'm the second review of this game on this website for fuck's sake. I need others to play this game. Maybe it'll hit you like it has hit for so precious few. Giftpia's got soul. Even if I want to beat the shit out of the robot every time I see him.