Up front, I want to admit I'm biased towards the cinematic action-adventure genre. The PlayStation-exclusive type of game design is not my thing, and I find it to be lacking as an actual video game, which is what we're here for. However, some of them do hit for me, and I get some enjoyment out of them. Hellblade 1 was one of those. I thought it was good and I liked it.

I do not like Hellblade II.

I already knew something was up when reviews were left until release day, and how reluctant Microsoft seemed to be to market the game. I saw that Hellblade II reviewed "good" at a Metascore of an 81 or so, but it was a significantly lower mark than the first game.

After playing it, I'm not too surprised. Hellblade II gives you a garbage first impression by essentially being a walking simulator for the first 20 minutes, after which Senua picks up a sword and you're given a rude awakening by being introduced to the plodding, dull, and mind-numbing combat.

This is why I don't like "cinematic" games like this, because the combat and gameplay always feels stiff. There's so much effort put into cinematography, sure, but when every combat encounter results in the same 10 or so canned animations, with little to no variation whatsoever, it becomes a snoozefest. I can't count how many times I've seen Senua get knocked on the ground after parrying a strike with the same animation each time, or using one of the same selection of execution animations. And you'll see these often too! Especially since the combat amounts to building a charge for what is essentially a one-shot, which means that combat encounters can be breezed through fairly quickly so long as you charge up that execution move. By the way, the final boss uses the same canned combat animations you've seen for the whole game.

One thing you'll notice right away while playing Hellblade II is how stunningly beautiful it is. It is one of the best-looking games you'll ever see on a console thanks to the power of UE5. I can't take anything away from that - but Hellblade II's confusing, hollow, and bland experience is not helped at all by the graphic fidelity.

It is worth mentioning that Hellblade II only runs at 30fps. Which is fine, because you're likely going to be playing this off of Game Pass. My personal belief is that if a game is $70, there should be a performance mode. If the game is on Game Pass, however, I'm only paying $15 at max, so that's no big deal. For me.

Another minor technical issue: Hellblade does not work properly with Xbox Game Streaming. The Focus button, which you need to progress the game's numerous puzzles, does not work while streaming. I was able to work around this by turning the stream off and on. Later I reached a section where you MUST sprint to survive the level's design, and Senua just wouldn't sprint because the LB button didn't work properly while streaming. Since I like streaming my Xbox audio to my PC, I had to plug in an Elgato to proceed with the level. This is only going to be a problem for maybe 1% of people who play Hellblade, so I won't give it flak for this... but this is an XBOX game. Shouldn't XBOX Game Streaming work for it at launch?

What makes Hellblade II mediocre beyond the combat? Unfortunately, it's the story.

I beat Hellblade II in only 7 hours. Originally I thought it was 5, because it didn't feel like 7, but then again my console was on pause for what added up to an hour... so let's say 6 for good measure. Those reviewers and tweets you see weren't joking about its length. It is a very short game. Nowadays playing a AAA game that is so short is an anomaly, sure, but this game was in development for FIVE years, wasn't it? How did 5 years of development result in a 5 hour game?

Hellblade 1 had a story built around Senua's psychosis, and I think that's what made it excel, and it's why I liked that game despite my aversion to the genre.

Hellblade 2's story does not feel like it is built around Senua's story. After meeting some NPCs on her journey, Senua instead ends up hunting down giants that are ruining the land after spelunking in a cave to be proven worthy. There you go, that's the plot. I don't know how Senua's psychosis is relevant to that, because I don't think it is. The point is that Hellblade 2's story is extremely generic compared to Hellblade 1, and is a concern I had almost immediately within the first hour of playing.

Hellblade 1 really shined by being a solo experience built around Senua. Hellblade 2 features multiple companions and NPCs, which doesn't really lend itself well to using Senua's psychosis in the plot. Senua's psychosis no longer feels like a relevant portion of the game's themes and story, and instead is reduced to a background element of a dull story - a story that is somehow confusing and boring at the same time. Why? Because when the story is said and done, it's not even really clear on what happened for the most part or what it even means. While Hellblade 1 had a similar feeling, you at least got the idea and thought-provoking thematics they were trying to express.

Hellblade 2's ending presents itself as if the creators believed they had just made something profound, but instead you're just left scratching your head. What's funny about this is that the first line you hear in the ending cutscene is "All the questions answered." NO, THEY WERE NOT.

I don't know what Senua's plot or story arc is supposed to be here. Does she even have a character arc in this game? I don't think she does! The game tries to toy with this idea of Senua feeling guilty for people dying... when we just spent a whole game where Senua was all alone? Senua feels like the deaths of others are her fault, and the voices in her head try to remind her of that. (Which they do a good job of. The psychosis portrayal when it comes to Senua herself is still very well-done) It just comes across as forced and doesn't really suit the kind of character arc that Hellblade 1 concluded with. Senua's story felt finite and this attempt feels aimless, a vainful venture to continue a character arc that was already concluded.

Here's an example. At the end of The Witcher 3, Geralt's story is pretty much done. This is why many speculate that The Witcher 4 will feature Ciri or a custom protagonist. Because what else is there to tell? Geralt did everything he can possibly do and his arc is at a satisfying end, so any further attempts to tell stories for Geralt will feel forced. Same thing here. Senua's story felt done already, so her arc in Hellblade II is most comparable to a D&D DM who is struggling to continue a campaign after his players hit the end of the planned Adventure.

I'm at a loss of what else to say since the experience is so short of an acid trip that I'm grasping at straws here. It's not even good acid!

I guess I can mention that it's voice-acted pretty well. I'm surprised Senua's VA hasn't gotten more roles.

All in all, Senua's confusing mess of a plot and lack of steady direction only reinforces my own personal belief that Hellblade didn't need a sequel at all.

Score: 66

Honey, they put RPG skill trees in our Sims game.

In an effort to bring a bit more of the thrill of The Sims 2 without the abrupt bluescreen crashes of The Sims 3, we have now come to the first of a handful of occult related expansion packs. Look, I am not the biggest occult stan.. never fully seen Twilight even as a joke, I will admit. Some fans would disagree and claim they’re like the air they need to breathe or else they shall perish if we don’t get them all as soon as possible. I am never going to sneer at a different playstyle, but I’ve also never quite seen the appeal at the same time. My Sim can no longer go outside in the sun, this is not revolutionary. That is just everyday life for the average Gamer.

That being said, we’re on that immortality grind mothafuckas!! Vampires do not need to sleep or PISS, so there is no other perfect time than now to force your Sim into maxing all those Skills you still have left over. All you have to do is locate the nearest vampire and simply ask for them to change you. Although I recommend avoiding Vladislaus Straud as much as you possibly can. He has what I would call ugly disease and therefore he was killed almost immediately in my save file. Since Vampires can’t die of old age, it was the only way to make sure his bloodline ended early. No thank you.

With that Skill tree though, you can unlock more powers to use that are actually quite interesting. The more powers you use/more blood you drink, the more XP you get and then those lead to levels like a normal video game. Basically anything that is annoying can be eventually rectified through this, such as becoming immune to sunlight. However, those abilities come at a cost; for every power-up you obtain it must be accompanied by a weakness in order to prevent you from being an unstoppable God. The weaknesses aren’t really that big of a deal though, it’s stuff like needing to drink more often or having to sleep in a coffin, etc. You can make it so your Sim gets super sad about having to drink blood. Shut up, you crybaby!! There’s one where you will take more damage in the sun though, I don’t know why on Earth anyone would ever take that one. Maybe for hard mode, pain and suffering I guess.

I really only dabbled in the whole Vampirism bit for my challenge, so I purchased the perks that mainly revolved around survivability and convenience. There are some diabolical powers at play here though, like randomly decreasing a Sim’s needs? I love the idea of watching a Sim eat a sandwich, then instantly dropping their hunger meter back to starving. Just keeping them in a constant state of joyless waste. Of course, there’s also turning into a frickin’ bat and converting other Sims into Vampires. I went for the Good Vampire Aspiration first, then the Vampire Family one after. Oh, the fall from grace she had when it turned out that transforming others is not actually consensual, and her new siblings were in fact very unhappy with their new lifestyle. Sorry!!

There’s also the addition of Forgotten Hollow, but I’ve never personally lived there. It seems rather quaint and gothic of course, but I’ve never enjoyed that it’s always nighttime there. Perfect for a vampire connoisseur though. Overall, it’s a good bit of fun for a while but I have no intention of staying a Vampire forever as they do not, in fact, sparkle. Yes, I turned a bunch of my friends into them and then cured myself LOL. Sorry again!!

Oh hey, bat sex.

Cleared on May 21st, 2024 (SEGA Genesis Challenge: 74/160)

Note: While I did play a little bit of the mage, I ran through the whole game using the fighter. Review is subjected to be updated when I clear a playthrough with the mage.

Cadash is an side-scroller action platformer brought to you by the once arcade titan, Taito. I have not played the Arcade version although from my understanding the differences involve a timer for each level as well as two additional characters with the Priest and Ninja. On the Sega Genesis, it's just the Fighter and Mage.

The Fighter is the melee class that lets you attack with a sword with its advantage that they can take a lot of hits, but lack the range and versatility which can make it monotonous as you only have one attack button. The Mage, meanwhile, is the spellcaster that's advantage is that it has versatility with spells along with the range, but they do not take damage all that well, their melee attacks are much weaker, and their spells have a mana limit to be wary of.

Despite being an arcade title, it feels more like an Action RPG that you have to beat in 1 sitting (which I don't have to, thankfully). The problem is when you account for the fact that you can actual backtrack like you could in a metroidvania in order to fully heal yourself and just have as much time as you want to. In fact, I've used up a good amount of playtime just killing mobs until I reached Level 20 which from my understanding is the soft cap because the exp required to get from 20 to 21 is so high that you'll never really get there unless you're insane.

With the arcade structure, in mind, don't expect any complex puzzles or even any inventory management as if there's something you need, the game will just handle it for you. There are maybe a few secrets, but for the most part, the game follows a linear path from one point to the next, and if there are multiple paths, there's a good chance that it doesn't stray you for long, or its inaccessible until you get a certain item within the area.

The game ends up being fairly easy, and sure the first boss can give you real trouble, but if you can get past that, it gets much easier with the new equipment and the ability to just go back to town and heal back to full health as well as have medicine herbs on hand, and of course, much more effective mob farm hotspots become open to boost up your levels. Unfortunately, the game ends up feeling kinda boring. I don't mean to say that game's being easy means being boring, but not having much going on mechanically does. I understand that it was meant to be simple due to the timer that was there in the arcade which would encourage time management among your skills, but if they were going to get rid of it, they could've done more with the overall game to make it more engaging.

There's not much else to say about it. It's pretty run of the mill as far as action RPGs go, and I wouldn't really care to recommend it to even a die-hard RPG fan. It's not a terrible game, but it's the type of game that other games of its genre build off of.

Kinda disappointing coming to this after experiencing the oracle titles. I initially was going to start with this game after coming off Banjo-Kazooie because of how charming MC's art style is and how much of a fan I am of Wind Waker's art direction and expressive animation. That said, I stopped in the middle of the first dungeon since I was vaguely interested in the Oracle titles and didn't want to experience too much whiplash going from this to the game boy titles, even if they weren't as primitive as I expected. Capcom's philosophy towards this series is interesting to engage with going from the initial duopoly as Minish Cap in all intensive purposes is a culmination of their own spin on the 2D Zelda formula while also wrapping in series elements to keep that Nintendo feel attached to it.

Much discussion around this game, and similar to the Oracle titles, is how underappreciated they are in the Zelda series and even Nintendo's lineup. Funny enough these games all released on the cusp of new successive tech being pushed that I feel overshadowed their releases. Oracle of Ages and Seasons released almost a month before the GBA made its debut in the states in June 2001 and Minish Cap dropped two months after the DS released in November 2004, so it’s not too surprising that these tiles went under the radar for a long time and still kinda are despite being re-released on Nintendo’s online service recently, though Four Swords is still missing. After playing across these titles these past two weeks, I find that there is a lot to appreciate regarding Capcom’s efforts in adding more eccentricties to the pot of 2D Zelda and where they wanted to go and experiment that I feel has at least some tangible influence on the contemporary 3D Zelda titles. The Gust Jar in this game predates the similar Gust Bellows in Skyward sword almost 7 years later so I’d be hard pressed to believe that Nintendo isn’t pulling from these titles for inspiration on where to go with Zelda going forward even if the 2D titles aren’t the ones on the menu now.

Still, Minish Cap continues the tradition of unique design in a few ways with the center piece of this being the shrinking gimmick via the Minish Portals. Link has the ability to shrink to the size of a spect of dust and explore existing areas but with new secrets, puzzles and a whole different scale of things that add depth to a beautifully dressed yet vanilla overworld. I love the detail and scale that this new mechanic brings and emphasizes in the dusty crevices, waterways, and other interconnected and out of the way paths as Minish Link as the world becomes even more alive and comical such as climbing up to the dusty support beams of houses littered with the Minish people taking residence in the cramped spaces and even going outside and walking through grass blades and puddles of water that are now treacherous oceans at this smaller size. Hyrule Town's level design in particular is even more intricate than on the surface once you can shrink down in size and explore the sewers, houses and other spaces not possible at regular size and the mechanic is incorporated to decent effect in the dungeons as well, though a part of me wanted a bit more in terms of how much you can explore as Minish Link since it is still limited and gated by obstacles like blocks of grass and even the pavement of Hyrule Town, along with the number of portals to transform; there isn't no harp of ages in the second half of Oracle of Ages.

The music and sound effects in the dungeons and across the board of MC are a huge step up from the Oracle titles. While most of the selection still contained great and memorable tracks like themes of Holocrum and Labyrnna, the selection is host to many grating sounds and repetitive themes that I turned off the sound of my 3ds at points and just kept playing; shout out to Crown Dungeon in Oracle of Ages for an especially egregious track. Minish Cap thankfully doesn’t have instances like this and the soundtrack smoothly fits the scenery of each setting pretty well and makes them vastly memorable in a good way. They revisit old sounds with tracks such as the Fairy Fountain, Hyrule Field and Dark Hyrule Castle remixing A Link to the Past’s Hyrule Castle theme that serves as a perfect final climax to the game. The soundtrack is also home to new, original tunes that elevate the regions such as the dreamy electro soundscape of the Minish Village, the Temple of Droplets’ air-y and eerie wintery mix of chains and bells, Palace of Winds’ atmospheric orchestral feel representing the tense sky traversal, and finally Hyrule Town’s jovial vibes that sounds classic to all Hyrule hubs but is very distinctive to what MC brings to the table. The mix of both classic tunes and new original material shine to make this my favorite out of the top 2D titles next to Link’s Awakening, maybe even higher.

I've teased this earlier but the overworld in MC is florissantly captivating and booming with life through the extensive animation and artwork in the settings, characters, and music that makes the Oracle titles feel dated. The area theming is very similar to what was done before but still feels new: the vast forestry and fields with familiar monsters and creatures encapsulating Hyrule Field, Hyrule Town’s festive and cozy energy with so much in motion, the rocky and enemy filled terrain of the Gorons' Mt. Crenel with falling boulders and debris, the sleepy atmosphere and haziness of the Minish Forest/Village and Lake Hylia, and the aerial bloom of the high up Cloud tops, a very unique setting for a 2D title that flexes this game’s strength and is impressive in scale for the time. Even the dungeons are sufficiently distinct in their aesthetic and don't feel too similarly visually that plagued many of the Oracle ones.

Speaking of the dungeons while I did praise the visual detail in differentiating the dungeons from one another, this collection is possibly the weakest of the 2D games in terms of puzzles and overall complexity. They emphasize more of seasons' approach with a gentle mix of combat sequences with very surface level puzzles compared to some natural ones that are found in the overworld. They never really ramp up across the small selection outside of the Palace of Winds and the Dark Hyrule Castle which feel appropriately expansive and complex in utilizing all the tools the game gives Link and hit some manner of Labyrinthine design but still more guided compared to what the best Ages had to offer. These last two exhibit an excellent sense of escalation of the game's closing hours but they feel a little too late in how middle of the road most of the journey felt. The shrinking mechanic is used to fun effect at least outside of some of the dungeon items, which I also felt were pretty forgettable, but it feels like it was the only fully fleshed of mechanic used in interesting ways as the dungeons and their puzzles really started to blend together and get a little repetitive. The simplicity itself isn’t a problem as seasons felt like this and I wouldn’t call any of these dungeons outright “bad”, but I was on autopilot for most of them and the dynamism shown visually stood in such sharp contrast to how one note the puzzle solving and exploration was. I didn’t expect this game to be pretty handhold-y as well with Ezlo spoiling some (easy) secrets and solutions to puzzles before I started engaging with them.

Exploration similarly takes a backseat in a way with Minish Cap though not completely as there is still much to find in the world with each new item unlocking new secrets and pathways if they aren’t locked behind the new coin fusion mechanic called the Kinestone to unlock the chests or other secrets in the world. Initially I was a lot more negative on this but I’ve cooled on it since it does provide a cute way of interacting with the NPCs and pets in the world and they generally are okay outside of the RNG needed to get specific pieces if going for 100% which I didn’t do. While I would have preferred that the secrets already existed on the overworld map instead of having to make them spawn by fusing together the coins, I’m fine with this compromise. What is a big disappointment is that the rewards themselves don’t amount to much outside of rupees, shells for figurines or more kinestone pieces and sometimes a piece of heart if lucky, which I ended up with a lot less of comparatively to the other games by the end game. The act of exploring is pretty milquetoast and annoying outside of how some of the dungeon items impact it like the classic flippers and new Cane of Pacci, but even Roc’s Cape is vastly underutilized outside of its dungeon use which is a far cry from the Oracle games using it for some time in the overworld for secret goodies.

For what a charming game this is, I truly feel at odds with the higher acclaim that gets attached to this game and struggle to see Minish Cap as a fundamental improvement over what the Oracle games were doing outside of the visual and music flourishes added with the jump to a whole new and powerful platform. I didn’t speak much on the narrative because while it is more involved than either of the Oracle games, it still is severely underwritten which sucks with how interesting Ezlo and Vaati both are along with the Minish and their whole civilization in Hyrule’s history. MC is representative of Capcom’s efforts on the game boy with a lot of good attached at the hip that I would kill to see the team do again on a new original 2D Zelda title, but it overall feels less inspired and interesting than what they executed before. Even then, Minish Cap can be a decent comfort game to blast through with the some of the most colorful worlds and enticing music of a 2D Zelda game that is criminally short but still sweet in dividends.

I'm lousy at racing games. I enjoy destruction racers like Burnout or Flatout, but when it comes to 'real' titles like NFS or Ridge Racer, I simply can't hack it.

On my first Grand Prix race I kept my expectations low. Getting third place, I started zoning out until the replay started. Footage of me failing drifts and slamming into walls filled the screen, but it was almost irrelevant because Move Me was playing. I didn't feel like I was rock bottom or should have moved on to a different game: instead, I really wanted to improve.

The music in this game makes me grin. It's so damn good, all the tracks fit their designated purpose but do it so stylishly all the while. They can be a great motivator for success, and amp up the action no matter what place you are in the race: if you're lagging in 7th or 8th it creates urgency, and in 1st it encourages you to keep your speed up and ride the high. To that end, learning the controls and persisting was incredibly rewarding.

The stories in the Grand Prix are fun little dramas that add a bit of pizzazz to every race. I played Micro Mouse Mappy's first so I'm partial to them, but I feel like all the teams add something nice to the player experience.

Ridge Racer Type 4 is bite-sized greatness: every minute is a delight and it never outstays its welcome.

I don't think I'm surprising anyone by saying that PlatinumGames has made a fun action game here - at this point, it's something to be expected. My praise for Vanquish comes from concepts: it's a refreshing take on seventh gen third-person shooters, where speed and power management take precedence over hiding and waiting. After fumbling through the first few levels, the game finally clicked for me: I began to see new areas as gardens of opportunity rather than simple arenas to shoot through. Accelerating at top speed, slamming boots-first into a robot's face, slowing down time to shoot on the fall down... It's exhilarating stuff. There was never a time in the game where the combat felt explicitly unfair: the wide range of weapons, movement options, and open areas gave a ton of wiggle room. The tools are always there, and it's up to you to utilize them best. The upgrade system encourages the player to pick favorites, and helps cement a playstyle that works for you. I favored the assault rifle and sniper, but I can just as easily see someone maxing out heavier and/or more niche armaments. Definitely going to come back to this one someday and play it on a harder difficulty.

Time to mix drinks and change lives

This is how to make your very own VA-11 Hall-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action, right from the comfort of your own home! 🍸✨

Here’s what you’ll need:
- 5 parts Blorbo-Bicon Extraordinaire
- 3 parts Purified Heart-warm
- 3 parts Feelings That I Still Don’t Know How to Process
- 2 parts Banger OST
- 2 parts Fucking Funny Shit
- 1 part Nanomachines
- 1 part Girl 4chan
- 1 part Mega Christmas
- 1 part Bad Touch pffts
- 1 part Dorothinquisition (your ass was not expecting this shit)

Directions
1. Start by smiling a little, maybe throwing in some laughs if you’re feeling adventurous (note: you are feeling adventurous).
2. Feel every emotion under the sun.

And you’re done !~


i’m always wary of any usage of the word “waifu”, but this game is simply delightful. admittedly, i have only had any amount of interest in the visual novel genre for less than a year at this point, but this game has already earned a spot in my top 5 favorites. it’s literally so fucking sweet i don’t know what to do with myself??? almost every character radiates such warmth and authenticity that i can’t help but smile. even when a character’s kinda a piece of shit, i still just feel so damn charmed by the whole presentation and atmosphere that it’s virtually impossible* to have a client interaction i dislike. it is clear that there was a lot of thought put into the backgrounds of many of the characters; not only do you get to experience storied friendships between your clientele, but you also get to forge your own relationships with them. character development WIN!! it’s so fucking fantastic to watch characters change over the course of the game. one thing i find incredibly well-done about this game is just how involved our main character is with the entire narrative. in Coffee Talk (2020), a game that came out after this (but one I played before), the barista player character repeatedly says things to the effect of “just being an observer.” in VA-11 Hall-A, however, Jill is front and center, albeit often off-screen. yes, you do get to act as an observer sometimes when a group of people come in talking to each other, but the vast majority of the time, our girlie is integral to the conversation. quite literally, this motherfucker is out here changing lives. the B.T.C. should make a fun little catchphrase based on that notion and pay me e-royalties (in the future they call them e-royalties).

so,, how the fuck does Jill even change lives? she mixes drinks, silly! this is where the Bartender portion of the Cyberpunk Bartender Action comes into play. a goofy individual—a creature, if you will (unless you won’t)—will come into the bar and either directly ask for a Bad Touch smirk emoji, some other specific drink, or give you some constraints for what they want. the game’s interface then lets you sort through the modest selection of possible drinks by name, flavor, or type to allow you to discern what could be a good option. you drag set amounts of the 5 ingredients into the mixer, select to add ice/age the drink, then mix for a specified amount of time. it’s not too complex, but offers just enough interaction to really make you feel like you’re Cyberpunk Bartending Action. sometimes a client will speak in riddles or ask for “the usual” like haha did you remember what Joe Barbeque always orders? no??? what are you a fucking idiot or something??

while there is a plot in this game, i think it would definitely be classified more as character-driven versus a story-driven narrative. this is ABSOLUTELY not a bad thing. i love me some characters! they’re often far more important to me than any sort of story beats. the game starts with a narrative hook, but it kinda just disappears by the end of the game. it’s mentioned semi-frequently, but there’s just not really any resolution to that thread. gone. there’s some pretty significant in-world events that occur over the course of the story that tie into some of the characters’ arcs, which is pretty cool. there’s even a TV in the bar that you can change the channel on, and different channels become available depending on the point in the story you’re at. really though, i’m not here for the happenings in Glitch City. there’s some honestly pretty good social/ political commentary for the most part, and the game leverages its cyberpunk setting to talk about the consequences of technological advancement, like any good piece of cyberpunk media should, but i’m here for the critters on my screen ordering they goddamn drinks. fucking hell, i think Jill’s arc might be one of my favorite character arcs in any piece of media ever now. i genuinely cannot think of any nugget of character development i like more than her’s. even ‘unimportant’ side characters get to grow, and it’s just really fucking awesome. fantastic characters and writing overall. extremely funny, too.

speaking of characters: gang, we need to talk about Dorothy (good song btw). to start off, i will say that from a pure personality standpoint, Dorothy is probably one of my favorite characters in this game. she’s fun, has an infectious energy to her, and can even end up being pretty serious and philosophical when she feels like it. i probably enjoyed every single time she showed up at Valhalla looking for a drink and a chat. now, i do not know any backstory behind the motivations of the writing behind this character, so anything i say will be my own interpretation of solely what can be gleaned from the game. however, from what i understand about the writer of this game, they seem to be excessively horny and i would not be surprised if they hold some unsavory views on women and potentially even worse things. but again, i am locking in on what can be understood from the game. while i 100% think there is merit to be had in taking the author behind a piece of work into account, i’m personally here on this website to review VA-11 Hall-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action, not some horny twitter user.

Dorothy is a sex-worker Lilim (a robot, of sorts), who is mentally about 24, but has the body of 13-year-old. the game feeds you some background along the lines of “oh like Lilim are just kinda created looking like kids cuz we’re tryin’ to mimic humans as much as possible or whatever and most ‘upgrade’ to look more adult later,” but this alone can obviously not explain its inclusion. at one point, Dorothy says something to the effect of not wanting to get said upgrade because her young appearance helps her immensely in her line of work. some people hire her for pedophilic reasons, and others hire her for non-sexual reasons, such as asking her to pretend to be their late daughter. isn’t that just kinda fucked up? like, that’s so clearly fucked. willingly choosing to look like a child for the expressed purpose of elevating sex-work is absolutely a terrible reality. yet, in that same vain, i feel like the reasons this is fucked is more because of what it makes me feel about society. pedophiles do exist, and if such an individual like Dorothy existed in our world, i can guarantee there would be similar occurrences. the problem here is that i don’t feel like this whole concept was given the care it needs. in my opinion, if you’re going to attempt a scathing critique of society’s sexual obsessions with underaged individuals blended in with cyberpunk-based worries about integration of self-aware artificial intelligence and body modifications, you better fucking make it SCATHING. yes, i can see media literacy, she’s that cutie sitting over at the corner of the bar, but i wish i was fucking talking to her too!!! (that one doesn’t really make sense, i just wanted to say it, sorry.) seriously, though, i feel like there’s some topics that you can kinda dance around with when you’re trying to get across a message in a piece of media, but sometimes being explicit is completely warranted, and in this case i think it is. it’s a little difficult to try to tackle a dicey topic such as this, but then also try to make that same character be a silly little goofball. like, yeah, i love silly little goofballs, but maybe we shoulda divorced the two concepts if we’re gonna attempt this at all. i’m glad they gave her some more depth than ‘just’ being a sex-worker, but i don’t think the overall depiction was all that fantastic. i don’t think it’s a complete failure, though i do still wish it was handled with a little more grace and tact than it was given. i one-hundred percent understand if the inclusion of this character in the way it was done is off-putting to the point of ruining the entire experience of the game, as unfortunate as that may be.

i don’t wanna end this review on a sour note after talking about all that jazz, so i’m gonna end by talking just a little bit about the music in this game. it’s good! like, really good! i like to listen to it?? at the start of each day and after each break, you get to select 12 songs to play on the jukebox, which is nice, cuz you get to listen to the bangers you bang to, and not just the bangers you don’t. there’s a seriously great soundtrack here, and i enjoyed pretty much all of the songs i had access to during my playthrough. there’s a shuffle feature you can use, but it’s like that ‘shitty’ shuffle where it doesn’t care if it plays the same song it just played. it’s a little annoying, but really nothing all that terrible, seeing as you can just press skip song anyways. some of my favorites (non-exhaustive) were:
Nighttime Maneuvers
Synestitch
Digital Drive
Through the Storm, We Will Find a Way

despite my critiques, i really loved this game. i can see why it is loved by many, and now i get to be excited for the sequel. sigh, add it to the pile,,,

all booze and no firecrackers makes mae a dull girl.

Screaming, crying, yelling in pain and anguish over the most basic gacha card browser game getting axed because it's my thinly veiled and barely hidden fetish personality trait.

Jokes aside, I genuinely enjoyed the game for what it was, being a fan of the original franchise, but as it came out and it being almost instantly sold as a clone to other successful gachas, it was over. 2015-2016 was a time for browser games, not necessarily good but constitutive, at least.

Lest we forget, the Genshins and the Arknights' of today walk over the corpses of Monster Musume and the likes.

Note - as I did not beat the game, this write-up should be taken more as a set of observations than a genuine review.


Dyo is a free puzzle game on Steam, its appeal deriving as much from that price point as its co-op premise - you and buddy controlling one of two minotaurs in an attempt to reach the doorway(s) within each level. How fun is it? Well, given that I had to abandon it in light of the high difficulty curve, I’m going to say it wasn’t for me, though that doesn’t mean it won’t have its fans.

Occupying the platformer genre, Dyo’s gimmick rests on each player being able to attach their screen-halves together at any point in time, theoretically yielding all manner of makeshift jigsaws for obstacle circumvention. It works well at first; however, the complexity grows greatly the second the devs start adding new variables into the mix: perspective shifts, dissolving blocks, and moveable cubes being among the best offenders. Now normally I welcome these kinds of changes, but the problem is Dyo doesn’t go about organically-introducing them the way it did with its initial gimmick, resulting in players being thrown into the deep end without much warning.

Luckily, everything is unduly responsive and bug-free, rendering the excursion very smooth and responsive irregardless of my qualms.

Visually, Dyo is on the minimalist side, though that actually works in the game’s favor due to its shorthand nature- your two characters resemble the beasts of Ancient Greek fame, their brighter hues contrasting well with the cinereal props of standing columns and stitched-together brick. Backdrops further compliment this set-up by hosting innumerable items like wavering flames, looming columns, and well-honed sculptures. Yes, you will see a lot of repetition; however, the restrained stylization does serve its purpose of establishing a labyrinthine atmosphere.

SFX is reserved solely for select actions (locking-in screens, pushing blocks, and entering doors), while music, as far as I got anyway, consisted of a singular ambient track hemorrhaged by creepy wind & drum motifs. Both are fine given the brief length of levels, though Dyo probably could’ve benefited from some symphonic diversity as things progressed.

Ultimately, though, this is a title that’ll only appeal to the patient as finding those aforementioned harder solutions does get taxing the deeper you go. If you and a buddy are willing to do that, then Dyo should be a fun enough afternoon.