This day has finally come.
That's right -- the day when you and I will meet.

I was always thinking of you,
here with this DS4 controller in my hand.
I never even knew your name
or face until today.

But now I know.
Oh how I love you, Heather.

It's okay that you run funny
with your feet out to the side.
Or that you got killed by a mirror.
Hey, it happens.

You are still a great protagonist.
Your skill rivaling Sekiro,
with a blade as sharp as your snark.
I guess a hair dryer works too, in a pinch.

I knew you'd defeat your competition.
She doesn't even have eyebrows.
Wait, did she really just eat that???

Either way, great job at being cool.
Thanks for letting me play your game.

After all, you and I exist as one.
What I give to you is the same as
what I give to me.

- Stanley Coleman

A Play in Three Acts

ACT I

Setting: A Discord Server

Many People Over the Years: DC, you love Twin Peaks, you should play Alan Wake. It's inspired by Twin Peaks.

Me: Oh wow, sounds cool. I'll check it out. I liked Control but it didn't blow me away.

Many People: Just be aware that the gameplay/combat sucks.

Me: I don't care! How bad can it be? I love Twin Peaks! It has a diner in the opening segment! It's about a writer! How bad can it be?

ACT II

Setting: The First Several Hours of Alan Wake: Remastered

Me: Oh wow, I'm pretty sure my grandma can sprint longer than this guy. How did they go from Max Payne to this? Like...I know he's a writer but still..

Me: Doesn't matter! Hallucinations, fake Mrs. Tremond, a book mystery, a wife mystery! This is great! I'll just turn the game down to easy so I can get through the bad parts faster!

ACT III

Setting: Despair. A lone chair on stage while a disheveled man forces himself through a video game out of spite.

Me, quietly sobbing to my controller: please...make it stop. I never want to see a flashlight ever again.

The lights dim and go out leaving the stage in blackness.

Me, a low, trembling whisper: How did they go from Max Payne to this?

T H E E N D

Neon White is the most innovative and refreshing action game I have played in years. Fantastic music, sense of speed, and layers on layers of mechanics you feel that you've mastered in seconds, and that's only the tip of the iceberg.

I have never been into watching speedrunning, nor have I cared to try it myself, but the compartmentalization of the technique into 15-30 second doses is brilliant. Why did I suddenly care about beating my friends on the leaderboards? It's not something I've ever, EVER cared about before but in Neon White if I saw a friend beat a level a fraction of a second faster than me I'd spend the next ten minutes doing a hundred reruns to beat them.

I will be very open, I think the story is kind of stupid and I did not engage with it after the first hour. The dialogue is badly written and a lot of the VA sounds amateur. This is thankfully not an issue at all, as there's a giant prompt to press the F button to fast forward through every scene, and the game is 100% enjoyable without knowing what's going on. My only other negative is that the game drags for one world before you get the final powerup card.

The final boss of Neon White was so much fun that after a half hour of running it back over and over again, when I finally won, I laughed out loud like a maniac. I can't remember the last boss battle that made me do that, and I'd absolutely list Neon Green as a top 10 final boss of all time. And I got an Ace first try! In addition, the final world is actually the most fun because of a single new mechanic that changes the entire game to make it feel EVEN FASTER. While I wish the story had been any good, it is impossible to deny the sheer brilliance of Neon White. I wish it had gotten more recognition over a certain cat-based indie game, but I'll settle for it residing in the Nirav Hall of Fame.