In every single waking hour of the days that make up the gregorian calendar, I think to myself about how much I absolutely detest the woefully pathetic image of your existence.

If every atom within every universe inside every multiverse on the planes of reality within every timeline were accounted for, their paltry numbers wouldn't be enough to fill a single angstrom of the colossal monument that is my hatred for the knowledge that your presence is within any of my six senses. A single syllable of your title brings about a swift malevolent annihilation of which the likes no one has ever seen or heard of before in reality or in legend.

For you, mild resentment.

The original GoB is a 1-star game because it's so bad it starts to become good. An unintended hilarity found within the most desperate of grabs. This sequel, however, is a 1-star game because it just straight-up sucks.

Garten of Banban 2 expands upon the universe of its predecessor, which is precisely the problem. The impression I got from the first game (as much as I didn't want one, and didn't want another, but my girlfriend is a mischievous fiend) was more of a quick addition to the developers' pile of attempts at attention, like the various musings of Dingo Pictures. This time around, they take themselves seriously, trying to capitalize on the interest that'd been garnered. The consequences of this are immediate: no longer is there a bass drop when you put an egg in Opila's mouth. No longer is there an unpredictable Jumbo Joshing. No longer is there anything terrifying outside of what the developers intended, aside perhaps the incredibly loud sound of six lights turning on at once.

There's something to be said about the element of soul in wonderfully terrible works. The Room, Angelic 2 The Core, Philosophy Of The World. The sheer confidence that all of these people had is what makes all of them genuinely enjoyable (presumably, I haven't listened to the latter two in full yet.) Within games, I would love to point to Fallalypse Death or Cress, an unholy yet enlightening experience, but the only motivator there was a quick buck. Yet, I'm deeply fond of that game because of how absolutely gut-wrenchingly bad it is, and I have played more shovelware than the grand majority of people. It stands out. The original Garten of Banban doesn't quite compare, but it certainly fits the bill.

This, however, is just cheap shit. The second you start becoming self-aware about your reputation is the second you lose what little charm you had. Nabnab is pathetic. The story isn't worth caring about. Banban's voice acting isn't funny beyond his first appearance. The attempt at a proper ending sucks so bad that I forgot it after going to eat dinner. The Cannon Game is fun, but it's clearly just padding to get playtime over two hours, which this game also fails at. Banbaleena can go to hell. Opila loses his AI from the first game, which made him, admittedly scary, and instead makes a beeline for you, which can go to hell. So much about this is indistinguishable from the wafts and wafts of sewage that line Steam, that would have never caught the attention of anyone had this been the first, because the Euphoric Brothers are just lucky people that haven't yet found their creative expression

The snail is funny, at least.

There are a million forgettable YouTube videos out there titled shit like "How [Game] Broke Me" but this one actually did break me and it's probably because I walked in thinking it would be as long as the first game lmao.

The first 30 minutes of my playthrough of this consisted of me and my friends watching me play this over Discord just quoting that "what one is your favorite" tiktok whenever I was reminded of a character existing by all the decals haphazardly placed on all the plain color walls but as the game went on and I realized it would not be over soon all I could do was laugh. Every time I was thrown into yet another room with half a dozen items to find and collect all I could do was laugh. All 3 times you have to sit and trial & error your way through that shitty classroom section all I could do was laugh. It's not even funny-bad like the first game is, I was only laughing at my own hubris for thinking I could knock out the whole series in the span of a night. Zumbo sauce.

Can't wait to play 3 tomorrow!

Garten of Banban 2: A Delightful and Immersive Gaming Experience

Garten of Banban 2 is an exceptional video game that offers players a captivating adventure in a vibrant world. From its stunning visuals to its engaging gameplay mechanics, this game is a true masterpiece that demands your attention.

One of the first aspects that grabs your attention in Garten of Banban 2 is its graphics. The game boasts breathtaking landscapes and meticulously designed characters that bring the world of Banban to life. The attention to detail is remarkable, with every leaf, flower, and blade of grass intricately rendered. This level of detail creates an immersive environment that is a joy to explore.

But Garten of Banban 2 is not just a visually stunning game; its gameplay mechanics also deliver an unforgettable experience. The game follows the adventures of the courageous protagonist, who sets out on a quest to save the mystical Garden of Banban from an imminent disaster. As the player, you are able to navigate the vast world, interacting with various characters, solving puzzles, and battling enemies along the way. The controls are intuitive and responsive, allowing for a seamless gaming experience.

What truly sets Garten of Banban 2 apart from other video games is its storytelling. The game's narrative is deep and intricate, filled with mystery, emotion, and unexpected twists. Each character encountered has a unique backstory and personality, making the player emotionally invested in their journey. The dialogue is expertly written, effortlessly drawing players into the world of Banban and leaving them wanting more.

The soundtrack of Garten of Banban 2 is another standout feature. The music perfectly complements the game's atmosphere, whether it's a whimsical tune as you explore the enchanted forest or an adrenaline-pumping score during intense battles. The combination of stunning visuals, engaging gameplay, captivating storytelling, and an enchanting soundtrack creates an unforgettable gaming experience.

Overall, Garten of Banban 2 is a true gem in the world of video games. It manages to strike a perfect balance between stunning visuals, immersive gameplay, and a captivating storyline. Whether you are a seasoned gamer or someone looking to dive into the gaming world for the first time, this game is a must-play. So grab your controller, embark on an unforgettable adventure, and get ready to be enthralled by the enchanting world of Garten of Banban 2.

No matter if this series is ironic or sincere, you need to have a specific kind of fucked-up-ness (like the "Euphoric Brothers") to develop, publish, charge 5 bucks for the bare minimum viable "product" of a mascot horror game where neither the mascots nor the settings don't make sense at all in the grand scheme of things (It's a Kindergarten, but the architect really must have loved them sterile SCP-ass laboratories) and where every facet of the game is a rush job, like the models. A brain blender of a game, uninspired and braindead. Bizarre, only for the MatPats of the world to grossly consume it's bare intestines for other content.

TL;DR
When the Josh be Jumboin, numba 2

they got me again im back on the banban shipwreck

as much as i hated the first game i cannot lie and say that i wasnt particularly interested in what fucking garbage they were gonna release after that groundbreaking debut and unbelievably enough its still fucking bad who wouldve thought

the dumb environmental puzzles are back the absolutely jaw droppingly bad art direction is back the environment are as sterile as ever the stupid and tensionless chasing sequences are back basically everything good is back hahahahaha i want to kms

that being said this is longer than the first game and maybe even more hollow incredibly enough it features some of the worst voice acting ive ever heard and in general i hate english voice acting so imagine making it absolutely disgustingly one note and emotionless the voice actors feel like they were forced in this project and they want nothing to do with this and im pretty sure thats what happened like imagine wanting your name in this games credit i would honestly sue

the classroom segment is supposed to be funny but it didnt even made me chuckle for how stupid this kind of humor can be even for me that i laugh at the monkey saying stinky poopy 100 times like my entire humor is broken and you couldnt even make me smile a single time gworl youre doing something wrong

i have no idea if this is supposed to be genuine effort or an absolute troll work but im pretty sure everyone can agree that this is devoid of any positives the puzzles even became worse than the first game and the scares are as cheap as they can get and the climactic final chase is honestly so fucking funny for how bad it is literally if you put a mindless jumpscare youre gonna get a cult following because people apparently get scared easily as shit and they couldnt even take this element from FNAF like this is textbook horror cashgrab elements and you failed

so whatever this is the last one every single part of me lost any curiosity to explore how bad this series can get and the next lore analysis on how actually banban is a capitalistic depiction of a head of state in a neo f4scist ruled dystopian world im gonna cut my internet subscription forever and go live in a bungalow in the arashiyama sagano bamboo forest forever dont talk to me

plus its still optimised like shit get a programming degree or something

When I played the first Garten of Banban, I likened it to the kind of experimental project one makes when figuring out how to implement some ideas to clean up later. The kind of thing you wouldn't even call an alpha, more like a rough draft, a sketch. For some reason, be it naive optimism or just a general belief in others, I thought maybe, just maybe, this sequel would be at least somewhat of an improvement. I mean, surely they would have at least fixed the fact that pausing the game doesn't pause the game, right? Especially now that they're charging money to play it, right?

Right?

Garten of Banban 2 runs about as well as, if not worse than, its predecessor. Not a single improvement over the first game's mechanics, aside from the fact that you can now color and add hats to your drone. I wouldn't doubt it for a second if it were discovered that all the code and assets from Banban 1 are here, completely unchanged. They didn't even fix the pausing.

But what is different? What sets this new, premium title apart from its free-to-play older sibling? The quality of the game may be unchanged, sure, but they didn't skimp on quantity. Several unskippable cutscenes? They got em. Gameplay sections designed specifically to waste your time? They got em! I'd comment on the devs voice acting, but I've also done unprofessional VA for a game I worked on in the past, so, glass houses and all that (granted, it was for a game jam and released for free). In fact, I'll go so far as to say the voices are charmingly campy, I enjoyed them.

Unlike the mercifully short length of the first game, this one is a bit of a trek. Thankfully, my dear friend and mentally ill cohort also joined me for this game, so I at least wasn't suffering alone.

In fact, beyond moral support, they also saved my ass during a couple sections, because believe it or not an overly long and tight platforming section with zero checkpoints is incredibly difficult to get through when your framerate is in the single digits. Perhaps you may be thinking, "PJ, you can't blame the game for being unplayable when your hardware is outdated!", and I'd concede if this game didn't look worse than something I should be able to run on my GPUless family computer from a decade ago, but I digress.

There's so much more I wanna complain about, like the absolutely tiny hitbox for everything you need to interact with, the fact that some of the graphics settings made my monitor crash, which I didn't even know was POSSIBLE, or the STUPID BULLSHIT GODDAMN FUCKING BABY BIRD SECTION, but I've spent long enough writing this as it is. You get the point. This game is bad. It's very bad.

Won't stop me from playing Banban 3 though.

When I played the first Garten of Banban, I found it… not particularly worth the ire. Was it good? Not particularly, but its faults — and its shameless attempts to copy Poppy Playtime — were more funny to me than anything, and not quite capable of manifesting any particular hatred. It’s short, it’s mostly whatever, and the only role it has to play in the commercialization of ‘mascot horror’ is merely just being the most blatant about it. The idea that it (at the time of writing) is considered the 10th 11th worst game of all time, more than anything, is a sign that maybe people need to play more bad games, and that bandwagons can easily catapult something far past wherever it otherwise should be. I can understand feeling that Garten of Banban is a 1/10 because it has nothing to offer — frankly, that’s where I should probably put it. I’m much more confused at the idea that it’s a game that inspires frothing hatred, worth being considered the death of an entire genre, worth the harassment of the devs off social media. There’s just not enough there to really inspire anything passionate.

Garten of Banban II, on the other hand…

…exists solely, blatantly, to waste your time. There’s a throughline, sure — you go down deeper into the depths of the facility, you get your first glimpses of the Deep Lore as the real horror begins — but it's not nearly enough to sustain the full length of the game. Tragically, however, Steam’s refund settings allow people to buy a game, beat it, and then get their money back if they can do it in two hours. The devs didn’t want that to happen to them, so they padded the game out as much as they could to try and prevent that. Which: I don’t blame them, there’s been some history of indie developers not making back their budgets for otherwise well-received games because of people abusing the Steam refund system, I fully understand wanting to avoid that same thing yourself. I feel like there are much smoother ways of achieving this goal without compromising the quality of your work, especially if you’re releasing your game episodically, but I guess, in lieu of any better ideas, this idea works as well as any.

But god does that make this painful to play. The game does everything to make sure that runtime goes over the two-hour mark. Part of this is by natural padding: adding sections that mean nothing, that contribute nothing to the story, that make the whole thing disjointed and kind of aimless. Maybe there’s a concrete beginning, middle, and end in there somewhere, but it’s like an anime with constant, pervasive filler: so much content for the sake of stalling for time that it dilutes and gets in the way of whatever it is that actually moves things forward. It’s not good content, either. It’s clunky, it’s unclear (you’ll have no idea how you’re meant to interact with puzzle elements even if you know, step by step, what you’re meant to do), and it’s not particularly fair. Which is how it pads the runtime out, partially, since your autosaved checkpoints will send you far back before the point where you actually died. Fail the comically long first-person platformer segment (which has no relevance to the greater anything) because this game wasn’t built to be a platformer? Do it all over again. Get killed by the giant bird in a situation that still doesn’t take advantage of its theoretically interesting bird-of-prey AI? Sorry, you gotta collect all the babies again, and the controls for it aren’t any better this time than it was the first time. Fail the classroom segment because it’s all trial and error where one mistake is instant death? Hope you don’t mind not being able to skip the dialogue. It’s so genuinely frustrating. And so much more so when it’s so evident there’s no greater purpose beyond using up more of your time.

It runs like shit, too. Like, generally I’m not someone who super cares about PC performance stuff — if something lags or has graphical hiccups that’s more on me for playing it on PC — but that’s for, like, high-end stuff. Not Garten of Banban. Why is there so much motion blur? Why can’t I turn it off? Why is the framerate so bad as to be actually sickening to look at? Initially I shrugged and just turned everything down… but it still lagged, and now everything was so dark and low saturation that it’s impossible to see the things you need to interact with. A solid tenth of the game was literally me futzing with the graphics settings to see if I could stop it from chugging, and this is on a decently high-end gaming laptop, so preeeeetty sure it’s not my fault, there. It’s not even just an issue of “the game is normal but laggy,” certain sections are so much harder because they don’t run well. If you turn the lighting down too low (and you have to if you want it to run) you legitimately can't see anything: the buttons you need to press to open a door, the specific corridors you need to go down during a chase scene. There’s this part where you have to grab a bunch of baby birds and put them in a nest, but also the lag makes it so hard to catch them, both because they weave and turn in a way that makes it so genuinely hard to corner them and also because the lag makes it hard to tell if you’ve caught one: so many times I caught then immediately let them go. It was painful. The whole game was painful.

…It’s still not a 1/10, though, and this time, it’s because there’s a little bit of merit in the writing. Not necessarily the plot, or the lore — I didn’t care about those — but… there’s a little penchant for what feels like anti-humour that genuinely, almost made me smile a little bit. The whole section in the classroom, gameplay issues aside, was genuinely kind of funny, whether for the intended reason or not. “It’s okay to have no friends and be miserable like me!” is a quote that has genuinely stuck in my head at least once every couple days since playing this. It doesn’t save the game, even remotely — it plays like shit and it runs like shit all just to try and get past Steam’s refund thresholds — but, having heard that episodes three and onward start to lean into the joke a bit more… I have decent faith, given what works here, that maybe I’ll have a bit more fun when I eventually yeet myself back into the mines. Just not right now. Because going through this put me in a bad, bad mood. 2/10.

Someone from the server I streamed the first game on gifted me 2 and 3 so I was able to stream this today. Somehow the game has more gameplay than 1 and it's even worse. Inconsistent, buggy, unoptimized, hilarious. The new voice acting has the enthusiasm of my tio after taking a shit.

I'm gonna post the ARG notepad like I did last time, but the letters that spawned when you died really wanted to spell a racial slur so we had to omit that part.

Click here to die of epic Banbanness {ARG from GoBB1}

Click here to die of epic Jumbo Joshness {ARG from GoBB2}