(Part 1 of the Half Century Challenge, created by C_F. You can read their first review here)

For today’s review, I wanted to take you all back, and I mean WAY back, all the way to 1970, when the Apollo 13 launched into orbit, the US was given the “gift” of PBS, and a band nobody knows of known as The Beatles would break up, with all of the members going on to doing their own thing. Yes, it was a magical time in history, one full of many ups, downs, and surprising developments for the future, lacking the bullshit we face now on a day-to-day basis, and there were plenty of things for people to do and experience, even involving the world of video games. These were a rare breed around this time, certainly nowhere near as universally known and praised like they are today, and none of these titles could ever come to match the quality of what has managed to come out since, but every once in a while, it is nice to take a look back at some of the most primitive ages of video games, seeing what developers could get away with at the time and use to make a simple, yet very memorable experience. This can be seen with some games such as with today’s example, Highnoon.

In general, I’m not really one who is too into text-based adventure games. Not to say that I have anything against them, but whenever I go to play any video game, I typically like to have… you know, SOMETHING to look at rather than just a wall of text, hence why I have only played, like, one or two of them throughout my entire life. I have wanted to check out some more of them though, as there are quite a lot of them, and there has to be some special elements they bring to the table that most other games couldn’t, otherwise why would they have persisted for so long. So, I decided to pick this one, which I had never played or heard of before, and based on my experience, I would say that I had a good time with it. You definitely aren’t gonna get much more then what is initially presented to you, but for being one of the earliest text-based adventure games, it manages to do its job well, while also adding enough charm to make it an enjoyable title to mess with for around 10 minutes or so.

One of the most appealing parts of this game, as well as any game made in a similar manner to this, is the fact that, for the most part, your imagination is the key tool to helping you paint the scenario laid out in front of you. You have already been spoiled enough with all of your fancy-schmancy new video games that have GRAPHICS and SOUND and CONTROL, BLEH! Who needs that shit, anyway?! All you need to have a grand ol’ time is just a bunch of text telling you what is going on, and you can just form the scenario around in your head. It’s almost like reading a book, except this has way more interactivity then a book, and you can make your own adventure out of it, rather than just simply reaching the same, predetermined conclusion every time.

But of course though, you gotta have a basic set-up to get you moving on the road ahead, and the set-up for this game is simple: it’s 1889, and you have been challenged to have a showdown in the Allegheny Mountains, facing the nefarious Black Bart, who will make sure that you end up as a dead man by the end of the day. You then meet up on a deserted road, and it is up to you to get the upper hand on Black Bart by moving forward, using your trusty pistol at precisely the right time, and to hope that luck is on your side so that Black Bart doesn’t end up taking you down and continuing his reign of terror. It’s a premise we have all seen and heard of before, but now, instead of watching it play out in front of you, or possibly even pretend-playing this scenario out with friends, you are now in the line yourself, and you have to take out your computer opponent before it is too late.

From there, you have very limited options for what you can do next, but they are enough to get the job done. All you can do is move forward, fire your gun, jump to the side for cover, give up, run away like a little bitch, or just do nothing at all, with each of these commands being assigned to specific numbers on the keyboard. You can then go about inputting these numbers one by one, seeing what the program does in response to this, and then continuing on from there. A lot of it is, obviously, randomly generated, as you don’t know what will happen at any time, or whether or not Black Bart will shoot or not, or even if the shots will hit you, but there is also a bit of strategy that comes into play, as whatever move you end up making at specific times could be the difference between life or death, so it is always wise to consider your next movement and choose wisely, which not only creates some pretty exciting tension, but also a good ol’ helping of satisfaction when your next move turns out to be just what you needed.

Aside from the main premise and how the game works, a lot of the appeal from this game can also be seen in the way that the game not only describes what events play out, but also how it reacts to your moves. While it mostly types things out in the way that you would expect it to, a lot of the time whenever something happens, or whenever you do anything specifically, it will throw in a snappy or snarky comment to emphasize what happened, such as “Good idea there”, or “You aren’t gonna get too far by doing that.” There was one part in the game that really stuck out to me and made me laugh, which was when I ended up getting killed by Black Bart, and how the game chose to describe what happened, where it basically said “Black Bart fires at you, landing a bullet right in your back, and then he fires again, with him shooting you right in the ass. You aren’t gonna be resting peacefully after that.” I dunno, seeing something like that in a game that is this old feels oddly refreshing, and it makes the game much more memorable as a result.

However, with all that being said, I still can’t say this game is anything more than just good because of how limited it is. It is a text-based adventure game after all, so there is only so much you can get out of it, with just one scenario to go through and the several outcomes you can get out of it, mainly either “you win” or “you die”. It is definitely only for the crowd of gamers like myself who has the love and patience for these kinds of games, but for those of you who prefer a little more interactivity, playtime, and, y’know, things to look at in your games, then this is definitely gonna be one of the last things that you ever end up deciding to check out for yourself. That doesn’t lower the game’s quality, mind you, it just affects how approachable it is in 2024.

Overall, despite being very basic and offering little more than the base concept, Highnoon is both very impressive and very charming for a game that came out back in 1970, providing you with a simple, yet descriptive scenario that you can paint in your head and have fun with, plenty of options to choose from to change the course of the game in however way you’d like, and giving off enough charm to where it feels like it stands on its own compared to what very little else was on the market at that time. I would recommend it for those who are a fan of these kinds of text-based adventure games, because while it may not give you that much to do, it is still a neat example of where these kinds of games were around that point, and it is fun to mess around with even over 50 years later. And for those of you who actually sat here and read all of what I just typed about a text-based adventure game from 1970, thanks for sticking it out to the end, as writing this one was much harder than you think it would be. Also, go check out C_F’s first review up there as well. Tell them that Mega sent ya.

Game #565

Anyone who has ever played and really enjoyed a modern 3D fighting title like Tekken 8, Soulcalibur VI, or what have you, and then immediately went back to play some of the earlier 3D fighters like the original Virtua Fighter would probably be asking themselves “why do I feel nothing but pain”, but for what it is worth, that game still somewhat holds up as a game, as well as what it meant for the genre. If you view it as a fighting game, plain and simple, it is definitely not something I would wanna touch with a ten-foot pole, but as a gateway for many other fighters to enter the realm of 3D, it managed to do a pretty good job, while also bringing the awkward, yet fun enough gameplay that managed to impress plenty back when it came out, as well as me whenever I decided to check it out four months ago. Unlike with Virtua Racing though, this wasn’t just gonna be a one-time experiment in the Virtua series, as thanks to its immense success back in the day, the game would spawn numerous sequels, spin-offs, and merchandise as a result, and it would eventually lead to the sequel that would release just one year later, simply known as Virtua Fighter 2.

Now, I have played quite a handful of fighting games at this point now on this website, and while I am still somehow garbage at almost every single one I play, I know what to expect when it comes to any of them that I play, especially when it comes to fighting game sequels. The original Virtua Fighter was already as barebones as it gets when it comes to the content it offered, so I assumed that Virtua Fighter 2 would follow suit, most likely not focusing on changing up the main formula too often, but polishing it to where it would be more approachable and addicting than that of the previous title. Then I got around to playing the game, and while I unfortunately found my assumptions to be correct, I did find that, as a sequel, the game manages to surpass the original in just about every way, and I would say it is a good time. Once again, this certainly won’t be my go-to choice if I were to recommend you a 3D fighting game, but for what we got here, it took what the original game had and made it much better, feeling like an actual game rather than a tech demo.

The story is basically unchanged from the original, so if you were a fan of the lack of story from the original game, fear not, because this game manages to keep that trend up, but that is to be expected from a series like this, the graphics are a MASSIVE improvement from the original game, where the environments look great and have a lot of variety, and the fighters look like actual people rather than blocky masses of nightmare fuel, so that’s great to see, the music is pretty good, having plenty of rocking tunes for you to listen to while watching these 3D puppets mash each other in the face, even if none of the tracks really jump out to me in my mind at the moment, and the gameplay/control is also unchanged from the original game, with there being one or two changes here or there, but for this title, we have yet another “been there, done that, bought that t-shirt” situation here.

The game is a 3D fighting game, where you take control of 11 fighters, such as all of the original fighters from the previous game or two new ones, take on a set of opponents that you will need to take down one by one, throw plenty of punches, kicks, throws, body slams, or whatever else your character can do to deplete your opponent’s HP to zero, make sure to block and dodge at the right times to make sure that you can protect yourself in the process, and… that is still about it. This game sticks very close to its roots in that regard, where it makes sure to not change up the gameplay formula whatsoever, and instead focuses on everything around it to make the game feel more enjoyable and lively. That could be good for those who are big fans of the original, but bad for those who wanted more out of that game, and for me personally……… I mean, it still works pretty well, so I don’t have too much of a problem with it.

The main differences that can be seen in the game comes down to the visuals and the variety with the locations. They are a massive improvement from what we saw in the original game, looking very smooth and detailed for 1994, and while they still move around as gracefully as an early 3D model could (complete with moon jumping), it at least feels like I am actually controlling real people, which is a lot more than I can say for that original game. Not to mention, the stages you have fought in are given a massive upgrade, where in the original game, you pretty much just fought in one stage the entire way through, but here, there are plenty of different areas you fight in, most of them being… a bit generic, but still looking good for the time. Aside from all that though, there isn’t much more to say about the game. There are some new characters, who are fun to mess around with, and there are some versions of the game that allow you to adjust the size and the arena and how much health you have, but other then that, this is pretty much just the same ol’ shit you have come to expect from Virtua Fighter at this point.

So, to mix things up, I figured I would also go ahead and try out the Sega Genesis version of the game as well, not just because it is available to me through the NSO, but also cause I wanna see just how they would take a game like Virtua Fighter, the game SOLELY known for being “the 3D fighter”, and put it on a 2D system. Well, to the surprise of nobody, the game was turned into 2D, with all of the models being fully recreated with 2D sprites fighting in 2D environments, which is impressive enough for a port, and a lot of the music, character animations, and moves do look, feel, and sound a lot like the original version. It is a good enough port of the original game for the Genesis, but if I were given a choice between the two, I would definitely choose the original version over this version any day. Sure, the port does a good enough job at bringing the game to a home console, but one of the defining aspects of this series was that, again, it is 3D, so by removing that aspect of the game, it becomes yet another generic 2D fighter that I wouldn’t play over any other game in the genre like Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat.

But anyway, overall, despite a lack of change in the gameplay and still not being on the same level as some more famous 2D fighters, Virtua Fighter 2 is a definite improvement over the original game in plenty of ways, looking much better, having more variety in both the stages and the characters you can play as, and making the gameplay much more polished and fun despite how limited it is. I would recommend it for those who loved the original game, as well as those who want to check out some of the earlier 3D fighting games out there, because while it may not be able to win you over fully, it could surely provide a fun enough time messing around with it, especially with a friend to join you. Let’s just hope that, for the next game, they actually manage to change things up for a change and-... wait… this series also got game updates like Street Fighter did? annoyed sigh.............. of course, because if Street Fighter did it, then that means EVERYONE has to do it, because it’s such a great idea, right?!

Game #564

Whenever you have a game genre that is often criticized for being too repetitive and generic across many of the titles within it, sometimes it is often best not to try to expand upon the concept, but instead, stick to what works and elevate the base features to make it much more enjoyable for the player, and that was exactly what happened when it came to Thunder Force III. It may have completely abandoned the original gimmick that made it stand out from others, but in return, it managed to deliver a much more focused, fun, fast-paced, and explosive romp through plenty of stages that I managed to have a great time with, making for one of the best shmups that you could find on the Sega Genesis, and painting a bright future for the series as it would progress from here. It made me eager to get to the next title as soon as I could, so I figured it was about time that I did just that by checking out Thunder Force IV, or as its known as in America, Lightening Force: Quest for the Darkstar………… because I guess Thunder Force IV just sounded too boring for us.

I didn’t really know much about this entry in the series going into it, and I didn’t bother looking anything up much about it before going into it, since I wanted to be surprised by what I got with the game. I figured it was gonna be great, since after seeing what Thunder Force III had given us, I thought that this series would try to one-up itself again by making some tweeks and adding some new weapons that would make this title the best in the series by far. After playing though, I would soon find out that it… doesn’t do that at all, but despite that, it still managed to be a great time regardless, and while it is VERY close in quality to that of the third game, I would say that this is definitely the best entry in the series so far.

The story is, what a shocker, the ORN Empire is back, doing evil bad things and wanting to destroy humanity once again, so it is up to you in your new fangled ship to go on out and show them a thing or two once again, which is a story that is lazy as all hell, but who cares at this point, because I have come here primarily to shoot stuff, and ain’t no lazy story gonna stop me from doing that. The graphics are, once again, pretty great, being as flashy, bright, and bombastic as the previous game, while also still maintaining a great look and great sprites for all of the enemies and bosses, which definitely gets points from me, the music is incredible, having plenty of rocking tunes to jam out to while you are blasting down everything that stands in your way, which is essential for any shmup, so I am glad they didn’t skimp out on that, and the gameplay/control is the exact same as the previous game, opting for refining its primary gimmicks rather then adding in any real new ones, and in this case, that makes it work in the best way possible.

The game is a horizontally scrolling shmup, where you take control of the Rynex ship, go through a set of ten different stages that take place across many different planets throughout the galaxy, shoot down the many different foes and obstacles that are coming your way while making sure to dodge enemy fire and avoid smacking into a wall like an idiot, find plenty of different power ups that can be used in various situations while swapping in-between each of them, along with different shields and options to help you out along the way, and fight plenty of bosses that are just as crazy and hard to face as the rest of the game, which makes them fit right at home with everything else. For those who played Thunder Force III, you know exactly what you are going to get with Thunder Force IV, and it still manages to be very fun, feels incredible to play, and is extremely satisfying to get through a lot of these challenges.

When I said earlier that this game doesn’t change anything up, I mean it, as there is virtually no new mechanics here whatsoever, which could probably upset some players, but thankfully, they managed to keep all of the great features that they introduced in Thunder Force III. The ability to swap between your weapons and your ship’s speed, the power ups you can get to obliterate foes, while also being able to shoot in different directions, being able to select the order of the stages you go through for some of themall of that is back here, and it is handled just as wonderfully as before. Everything works as wonderfully as you would hope for, and the game makes sure that you not only make sure to keep on your toes and try to deal as much damage while avoiding all the gunfire, but also to determine what is the best means of action to use whenever approaching an oncoming threat. There were plenty of moments where I had to switch through my various weapons to face a specific challenge, rather then going through the whole thing with just the homing shot, and while some could certainly see this as an annoying feature, not only does it allow you to get accustomed to the many weapons you can get, but it challenges you in other ways that other shmups wouldn’t challenge you a lot of the time, and it is a nice change of pace.

Unfortunately though, if you just couldn’t get into what Thunder Force III gave you (and you have bad taste), then this game won’t change your mind whatsoever, as due to having no major changes to the gameplay whatsoever, it is basically just another Thunder Force romp, which can be great for some, but understandably tedious for others. There weren’t too many problems that I could point out about the gameplay, visuals, music, or any of that, but one problem that I can point out is the length, as I think this game does drag out for quite a bit. The game only have 10 levels, which doesn’t sound that bad, even for a shmup, but these levels are quite lengthy, full of plenty of challenges to face, and MANY boss fights ahead of you, and granted, while a lot of these boss fights can be pretty fun, it gets to the point where you start thinking to yourself “Oh my god, how are we not done yet?!”, and for a game like Thunder Force IV, that is the last kind of thing that I want to be saying to myself.

Overall, despite not changing up the gameplay whatsoever and lasting a little too long, Thunder Force IV manages to once again bring another wonderful round of shmup goodness to us, refining the gameplay to an almost perfect package that still manages to be just as fun, crazy, and addicting as its predecessor, being yet another one of the best shmups that you could ever play on the Sega Genesis. I would absolutely recommend it for those who were big shmup fanatics in general, as well as those who were big fans of Thunder Force III, because what you get from this is an incredibly solid shmup package that you can blaze through in an afternoon, and that’s all one can really ask for at the end of the day. Although, quick question before we end this off, what exactly was the Darkstar that we are apparently on a quest for in this game? Yeah, I know, that’s just the dumb American title that we got for this game, but if that is what we are stuck with, I at least want some answers about that! All you TF aficionados can inform me about all that down in the comments, where I will then promptly look at the explanation and realize how much of a fucking idiot I am.

Game #563

I honestly forget where I got this game, but I remember it was one of the first SNES games I ever played. The first was Super Mario World and I absolutely adored it. Because of that game, I got really into retro Nintendo games and some time after, I bought Yoshi's Island. Part of me thinks I bought this at my local flea market because it always reminded me of going there on the weekends. Yoshi's Island in general, is a big weekend game. I remember just playing it on my days off from school, and because of that it always gave off that vibe. Either way, I played through the game and loved it. I think since then, I only 100%ed it one other time or maybe not at all. So this was only, potentially, my 2nd time fully beating this game. I'm glad I did because just like Super Mario World, it's absolutely wonderful.

The most striking aspect of the game that you'll notice right away, is just how visually appealing it is. Its crayon-like artstyle is super pleasing to the eyes, and it also makes the most of the console and the newly created FX chip at the time. The FX chip was an add on to carts created by Argonaut Games (my beloved Croc developer). Basically, created to enhance the graphics of certain SNES games, and Yoshi's Island was one of the few games to use it. The FX chip, along with the wonderful artstyle, just gives the game this timeless look. Best looking game on the SNES imo, with Kirby's Dreamland 3 right behind it.

The gameplay itself is much more complicated than Mario World. In Yoshi's Island, you can run and jump and all that, but you can also create/throw eggs. Eating an enemy, and pressing down on the d-pad, let's you create eggs. These can be tossed at enemies and items and greatly enhances the regular Mario gameplay. You can have the eggs bounce off walls and based on the angle you threw it at, collect items you wouldn't have otherwise been able to get. You can have eggs skip across water. You can have eggs reflect against or be obtained by certain enemies and then thrown/hit back at you to get collectables. The egg mechanic gets utilized super well. This along with the varied level design makes the game a blast. Cuz yeah, the level design is super good in this game and is always throwing new things at you. Whether its the fuzzy enemies that make the screen all trippy, to the ski slopes in world 5, to the temporary platforms that disappear if you jump on them too much. And that's not even getting into the Yoshi transformations which are all fun too. Never was I bored with any level. Frustrated though? Maybe a little.

This is a good segway into the other half of the gameplay I wanted to talk about, the 100% requirements. See, unlike Super Mario World, you don't just have to beat each and every level and get all secret exits. You have to get a score of 100 in each level. There are three collectables that contribute to a score. Red coins, flowers and Yoshi's health. You must get all 20 red coins, all 5 flowers and have 30 health by the end of a level to get a score of 100. Then you do this in each world, 6 times for the normal levels and two times for each boss level. Then you unlock a bonus game and a bonus level. So why is this frustrating to do? Well, first it depends on the level. The early levels aren't too bad but some of the later levels are quite hard. The red coins appear as normal coins (tho there is a redness to them that is quite visible) so these can be tricky to find. The flowers are very obvious, you just have to be sure to find them. They hide both of these kind of collectables in some devious places sometimes. Usually it's not too bad but rarely, even now after having played the game before, I had to look them up because they're obtuse. This is all fine and dandy but the real hard collectable is the health. It all depends on how easy the stage is and how often they give you health in the stage, but sometimes it can be super difficult to have 30 star points (that's what the game calls the health) by the end of the game. Especially in that last world, hoo boy did I have to use an star point item in almost every one of those levels.

That's another thing the game has, you can get items (and live) from minigames at the end of stages. When you jump through the goal, and the ring stops on one of the flowers you collected in the stage, you can play a minigame. Like I said, it can give you lives but more importantly items. Some of these items suck but 2 of them give you +10 and +20 star points respectively. Seeing as, as long as you're alive, your star count always goes back up to 10. You can get hit as much as you want, get to the end of a stage, and pop a +20 and have full star points before ending a stage. Getting these items can be quite hard depending on the minigame, but the match cards game makes it super easy to grind these items out. You can replay this minigame as much as you want with the world 4 bonus game, so as long as you can 100% that world, going back to 100% every other level will be that much easier if you suck. Overall, I think the collectables are fun to collect and 100%ing the game isn't that bad because of the item system. The game can just be somewhat devious with its hidden collectables and its difficulty near the end game (that world 5 bonus level can suck it) which is why I found it a bit frustrating at points and not as replayable as Mario World. However, once I remembered you could at least cheese the star points in the endgame, this issue lessened a bit.

Something else I really liked were the bosses. Honestly, they're not all winners but they're probably better than any 2D Mario game. They all take full advantage of Yoshi's move set and egg mechanics and are also a treat to the eyes since they're usually so flashy looking too. I can really commemorate how creative they got with them. Like one of them has you getting eating by a frog and throwing giant eggs at the frog from within its stomach. There's a boss where you must use the egg water bounce mechanic to defeat it (or you can defeat it by killing it before the fight even begins, and Kamek has his own unique dialogue for doing so, so it's not even an exploit...it's a cheeseable method the developers put in which is hilarious). Just unique bosses all around. Baby Bowser at the end is one of the best final bosses in the series too I'd say. It takes a little getting used to with the whole change in perspective but its badass nonetheless. Also, the ending after that is so very heartfelt and feels good every time, I love it.

One other thing I wanted to mention was the game's OST. It's incredibly hard to dislike it, it's so happy and upbeat a lot of the time. The entire soundtrack is awesome but my two favorite songs are the Athletic Theme and the Underground Theme. They're my most listened to songs in the entire ost, and the underground theme especially is my absolute favorite in the game. That one always spoke to me and it out of any song in the game, gave me that whole weekend feeling I talked about earlier. I really don't know why, but I love it.

I originally had this game at a 9, and even despite my small criticism of the collectables, I can't help but bump this to a 10. I'd say I love Super Mario World slightly more but this is one of my favorite games ever and my 2nd favorite SNES game now. It's amazing, it's fantastic, it's wonderful. Go play it.

Have you ever known someone who, at one point, you used to be really good friends with, but then out of nowhere they just… start to suck? Like, they become incredibly irritating to be around, become a massive asshole, or in the worst case scenario, did something horrible to where you can no longer comfortably associate yourselves with them. Then after you and everyone else distances themselves from them, they then try to do better, and by that, I mean they REALLY try, either by improving themselves or trying to make up for their past actions, and you can really see the effort they are putting in, to a degree, but at that point, the damage has already been done, and you kinda can’t trust them again. That is essentially how I would describe how I feel about The Simpsons video games at this point. Yeah, you all know the drill by now, it is The Simpsons: Bart & the Beanstalk.

At this point, they are REALLY stretching when it comes to whatever game they can shove Bart and the other Simpson characters into. I mean, we had an alien invasion game, one that takes place in a dream, one that is in American Gladiators, and one that takes place in a camp, so after all that and the several others I didn’t mention, where do we go from there? Why, a retelling of Jack & the Beanstalk, of course! Only an IDIOT would suspect anything else, really. But anyway, as you could expect, I was not looking forward to this game whatsoever, but I figured I would get it out of the way so I can go back to playing good games again, and from what I did play, I will give it this: it is the best of these bad Simpsons games so far. Nevertheless, it is still bad, not to the point of blinding rage like Bart’s Nightmare or Escape from Camp Deadly, but more so to the point of… I just don’t care, and I wish I could feel happiness again.

The story is… well, it’s Jack & the Beanstalk but with Simpsons characters, which is a fine enough plot for one of these games, and if you somehow don’t know the story of Jack & the Beanstalk, go read a book for once in your life… you know, after you are done reading this review, that is. The graphics are Game Boy graphics, but I will give it this, the sprite work for the characters, environments, and enemies/bosses are very well done, being a massive jump in quality from Camp Deadly, but not to where I would say it is one of the best looking games on the system, the music is somewhat good, with a nice main theme that is enjoyable to listen to, but once again, we have returned to having only one or two music tracks playing throughout the entire game, and it gets very annoying to listen to after a while, and the gameplay/control is about as great as watching the grass grow, and if you are not one who enjoys the immense pleasure one can get from watching a blade grow from the ground like that, then you probably have good taste and would rather play something else.

The game is a 2D platformer, where you take control of someone you definitely have never played as in any other Simpsons game before……… Bart, go through a set of seven different levels through various environments you would expect to see from Jack & the Beanstalk, defeat plenty of enemies with your trusty slingshot that is about as reliable as using a drill to hammer a nail, gather plenty of coins to help you proceed through the level, while also sometimes healing yourself because money truly does heal all wounds, and take on several bosses that are about as fun to fight as it is to pay your taxes just one day before they are due………… can you tell that I am having trouble describing how boring this game is? It is a very, VERY standard platformer, one that does work well enough, but it doesn’t nearly do anything all that exciting or fun to make you want to play it over any other platformer that you can find on the Game Boy. I will give it this though… it does at least have one or two interesting ideas here and there.

Given how the game is themed around Jack & the Beanstalk, not only are the levels themed around the locations and hazards you would typically find in that setting, but also the level objectives as well. While it is still primarily about getting to the end of the stage most of the time, a lot of the stages do require you to collect a certain amount of coins before you are able to proceed forward to the boss or the next level, and at least one of them requires you to collect specific treasures as well. In a lot of cases, this could be seen as completely unnecessary, and it’s just meant to waste your time, which is completely accurate, but to be fair, it does offer a bit more complexity than just “hold right and jump to win”, and you are encouraged to explore all of the levels to find all the coins needed to proceed forward. Not to mention, there are some levels that are pretty creative themselves, such as one level that has you jumping from lump after lump floating around in the giant’s soup. It isn’t much, but hey, little things like that are worth appreciating.

Unfortunately though, there’s not much else to be found here that I can say the same for. It is about as barebones and basic as you can get for a platformer in most other circumstances, and while it can sometimes be challenging and throw a lot of bullshit at you, it is mostly just one big snoozefest, one that is over in about 20 minutes, but one that feels like it lasts for an eternity at the same time. A lot of the said challenges and bullshit that I just mentioned can primarily be found in the last two levels, both of which are auto scrollers, and are easily the worst part of the game. These levels have you running away from Homer the Giant by running through a level you had previously played backwards, and one where you are parachuting down the beanstalk in order to chop it down, and doing both of these things is definitely easier said than done.

The first one isn’t that bad, with there being some pretty tight jumps and questionable programming decisions made all over the place, but nothing you can’t beat, while the last level feels absolutely abysmal to play, as you need perfect precision to make it through while the screen is scrolling at a million miles an hour, and it feels practically impossible to get through without getting hit by at least one thing, since you are given so little time to move around and adjust yourself before needing to focus on not getting held up to where Homer can catch you. Thankfully, these stages don’t last that long at all, and you don’t need to collect a certain coin amount to beat them either, because otherwise, they would probably have made me quit due to that factor alone.

Overall, despite some bad stages and some slight changes at progression that I can somewhat appreciate, there is nothing here that makes this Simpsons game stand out from the others aside from its theme, and it is one of the most boring platformers that I have played in recent memory. Yes, it is definitely the best of these poorly made Simpsons games that I have played by far, but I can’t really give it much credit for anything else when it does nothing to warrant any more praise other then “It exists, I guess.” I would only recommend it for those who somehow like any of the other bad Simpsons games that we have discussed so far, because if you are able to somehow stomach any of those other terrible games, then this one will probably be a masterpiece to you by comparison. Hell, I bet you that there is probably a Jack & the Beanstalk game out there that is probably ten times better than this game that you could check out instead………… I’m not gonna look it up to see if there is for myself, but hey, it is a possibility.

Game #562

Welp, it’s been long enough, and I’ve been told I am not allowed to have fun today, so I figured it is about time to check out another one of Marvel’s… INCREDIBLE games that they threw out onto store shelves for a quick buck back in the day, and hey, since I went back to the X-Men lineup of games previously, I figured it would only be appropriate that I go back to another one of Marvel’s heroes that I have covered in the past, Spider-Man, or Web-Bitch as I like to call him. He usually has at least one or two games out there that are of either decent or, in rare cases, incredible quality, but then most of the time, you have games like Return of the Sinister Six, which makes me never want to trust Spider-Man with anything ever again. But hey, that was just one bad game, right? I mean, SURELY he would get things right the second time, right?........... yeah, probably not, but we will see if that is the case with The Amazing Spider-Man on the Game Boy.

Out of all the Spider-Man games that I could’ve chosen from, this one was all the way on the bottom of my list, as I know damn well how bad these licensed Game Boy usually are, and this one was probably gonna be no different. However, it then caught my attention when I learned that this game was actually made by Rare, the same guys who would go onto making games like Battletoads, Banjo-Kazooie, Conker, and plenty of others. I don’t know how they ended up being the ones to make this game, but either way, it did make me curious as to how the game would turn out with them behind it. So, I played through the whole thing, and I will give it this… it is LEAGUES better than Return of the Sinister Six, but aside from that, there is not much else going for it. It is still a bad Spider-Man game, one that not only comes with its own serving of licensed game bullshit and cheapness, but also manages to do nothing else to separate itself from many other pieces of media that involve the character.

The story is just another Thursday for any superhero, where a gang of Spider-Man’s most deadly villains have captured Mary Jane and threaten him with her life, so it is up to him to swing on out and stop them before it is too late, which is a story that’s about as compelling as watching a dust ball rolling across the floor. The graphics are Game Boy graphics, and the sprite work is… passable, but to its credit, I can at least tell what most things are, and again, it looks a whole lot better than that other Web-Bitch game that I played at one point, the music is incredibly forgettable, where I can’t recall a single thing I heard throughout my entire playthrough, but I have some faint memory of it not annoying me at all, so it has that going for it at least, and the gameplay/control is just as basic and sloppy as it sounds, with some mechanics that take some getting used to, but all in all, it does the job for playing this slog of a game.

The game is a 2D action platformer, where you take control of Spider-Web-Bitch-Man, go through a set of 6.75 levels, each taking place in a different location throughout New York, punch, kick, and web up many different enemies that you will come across, while making sure that you don’t let the game fight back against you so that you can actually do any of this properly, gather different capsules along the way to not only heal yourself when you need it, but also give you extra juice for your webs so that you can continue swinging and webbing to your heart’s content, and take on plenty of familiar foes in several boss fights, which can range from being as cheap and full of bullshit as you would expect, all the way to… the Rhino boss, where he just runs back and forth a bunch until you punch him to death. Great job with that one, guys. But anyways, you get everything you could ever expect out of a cheap Spider-Man game from back in the 90s here, and instead of being a completely unbearable experience all the way through, it is… a little unbearable all the way through, which is a blessing at this point.

If there was a checklist out there that could mark off every single little thing that a licensed game like this would do to ruin your day, then this game would check off a lot of those boxes, because a lot of these problems do pop up in one shape or form throughout your adventure. These problems include horrible combat, where you basic punches and kicks are delayed and feel really heavy, making it hard to tell whether or not you are hitting an enemy, or even when you should throw a punch or kick, awkward moves, where some moves like the different types of jumps you can do take a lot of time to get used to because of how bad they are, unfair difficulty, which sees countless enemies being thrown your way to create some sense of challenge, when it reality it is just an excuse to turn Spider-Man into a bloody corpse on the floor, and unfair sections, where all of those elements I just mentioned before are paired together with terrible platforming sections that I swear are impossible to get through without some sort of save states. It is all here, folks, and if you are able to stomach this stuff like I can, then chances are that you will have a bad time, but not to the point of wanting to rip your hair out. However, for any average gamer, one that would rather have a Spider-Man game like the ones that Insomniac are being forced to make until the end of time, you give them this for 10 minutes, and they will chuck it in the trash at the 5-minute mark.

However, to be fair, there were actually some parts of the game that I actually did kinda like. In-between some of the main levels, there are some stages where you are climbing up a building to reach your destination, which are a nice change of pace, and are simple enough to get a grasp on, even if some of that nonsense I mentioned earlier does get sprinkled in from time to time. Alongside that are these cutscenes that play in-between each level, which just has Spider-Man talking with one of villains while the two of them throw bad comic-lines back and forth at each other, which are funny to watch just for how low-effort they are. And finally, one thing that I am REALLY grateful for… whenever you die in this game and still have an extra life or two, you don’t get sent back to the beginning of the level, but instead, you respawn right where you died, and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Seriously, I can’t even imagine how you would be able to beat some of these levels without that kind of handicap.

Overall, despite some funny cutscenes, some fine levels here or there, and a very generous handicap, I can’t say this is anything more then just yet another cheap-ass Spider-Man game that was made for a quick buck to cash in on the superhero’s popularity, not only incorporating every single licensed game trick in the licensed game handbook to piss you off, but also not having its own identity when it comes to the gameplay, being as boring and generic as you could possibly imagine. Don’t bother checking it out, whether you are a fan of Spider-Man’s other games or not, because it really serves no purpose other than just to exist, and it doesn’t deserve any of your attention. Hell, let me be the one to play for you instead, just so I can warn you about the dangers of these games… which I am gonna have to do anyway, considering that this game apparently got two sequels, and I can already tell that they are gonna be… sigh, SO MUCH FUN! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Spider-Man… Spider-Man… gonna go splat like a spider can…

Game #561

For today’s review, I am gonna spare you all from my usual terrible intros, because before playing this game, I had absolutely no clue that this thing even existed. I was just casually scrolling around on the internet, looking for a game to play before I had to go back to the hellscape I call my own life, and I found this game called Hagane - The Final Conflict, and it sounded like it was gonna be the most generic thing ever. I mean, that is the impression that I got just from looking at both the name and cover of the game, which look like something most people would potentially pass up on renting whenever they would be strolling through their local Blockbuster. But hey, it was probably gonna be better then the next two games that I am gonna be reviewing after this, so I figured I would go ahead and give it a shot to see how it was.

When I did start up the game though, I then realized just from taking one look at the stage screen and listening to the music that I had actually seen this game before, but it had been a very long time since I had seen it. All I remember from seeing it is that it was apparently incredibly difficult, which did make me somewhat nervous to continue going, but not only did I find that the difficulty wasn’t really all that bad, but also that this game… actually kinda fucking rules. It was definitely lacking in several areas, which may or may not have contributed to it not being commonly known, but even ignoring those few factors, I had a great time playing this game, and I would easily say it is one of the best hidden gems that I have played from the SNES line-up.

The story is fairly simple for a game that has this setting and title, where a ninja clan known as the Fuma clan is attacked by the evil Koma clan, with them killing most of their members and stealing their most sacred treasure, the Holy Grail. However, in the depths of the chaos, one man by the name of Hagane survived the attack, and seeing this, a mysterious figure known as Momochi took him and brought him back to full strength, transforming his body to that of a cyborg with superior strength, speed, and intelligence, while still keeping his brain intact. With these new enhancements at his disposal, Hagane then vows to take revenge on the Koma clan, setting out to destroy them all and to reclaim the Holy Grail. It is a pretty basic revenge plot, and one that you won’t be getting if you just rely on the game’s cinematics, but it is good enough for those that are wanting to know a little more about what is going on and why your main character is so cool.

The graphics are… good enough, not looking too different from plenty of other games of the era that share a similar setting and premise, but it is impressive enough for the time, especially with the cutscenes, the music is… also good enough, having plenty of decent tracks for when you will be running through these levels and slicing down everyone you see, but nothing stuck out to me as being really great or memorable, the control is incredible, feeling just as snappy, responsive, and fast as you would want a game like this to be, even if the jumping can take a little getting used to at points, and the gameplay is also just as fun, fast, and snappy, while also making sure to challenge you in plenty of areas to encourage you to keep going.

The game is a 2D action platformer, where you take control of Hagane, go through a set of five different stages, each having multiple sections that will have you going through several different locations to reach your goal, slash through plenty of different enemies, big or small, using whatever different weapons you wish to use while swapping out between them at any point, gather plenty of ammunition for said weapons, health pickups, 1-ups, and items that can expand how much health you have to help you out for the journey ahead, and take on plenty of big bad bosses, who were actually not that hard to take on, while still providing a decent enough challenge to where it didn’t feel like I was kicking around a toddler for a minute or so before moving on to kicking around the next toddler. For those of you who have played other similar action platformers in the past, such as Ninja Gaiden or Shinobi, then this kind of gameplay style should be very familiar to you, and also for those of you who have played those two games, you would know exactly what makes one of these games work, and let me tell you, Hagane: The Final Conflict works REALLY well, and was great to play from start to finish.

If you couldn’t tell already at this point, this game is an action platformer themed around ninjas, and if you are asking me, one of the most important things about a platformer surrounding ninjas is that the movement must be quick, and the combat must be fast and satisfying. I mean, that’s what ninjas are all about, right? Ninja Gaiden and Shinobi both managed to accomplish this by giving the player plenty of speed to work with and a satisfying basic attack to use to slice down your enemies, while making sure to kick your teeth in every once in a while just to remind you what game you’re playing, ya idiot. This game manages to do all of that and then some, providing very fast combat, a vast arrangement of weapons for you to choose from, plenty of different platforming challenges to face using different kinds of abilities, and different types of gameplay segments to make sure that the gameplay feels fresh and interesting the more you go through it.

Not to mention, the weapons that do get to use throughout the journey are very helpful. I mainly just stuck with the sword for most of the journey, because my inner Ninja Gaiden and Strider wouldn’t let me switch to anything else for a fraction of a second, but at points, it was nice to see what other weapons could do, such as a shuriken that you can throw at enemies and grenades that can deal some pretty explosive damage. In addition, there was also the chain, a weapon that could not only be used to hurt enemies from a distance, but also allows you to reach higher areas when simple jumps just won’t do the trick, which I used towards my advantage a total of… one time, but hey, it was neat to see it there. Mix all that with a special screen-nuke attack that can come in handy when you are in a pinch, and you have an arsenal that is both versatile and entertaining to mess around with, which is the best possible kind of arsenal that you can have in any game like this.

So nothing about the gameplay or difficulty stood out to me as anything to complain about, because while it was challenging in many areas and some of the platforming could’ve been handled a bit better, it wasn’t enough to where I ended up getting mad or too aggravated, and I managed to have a good time with it. My one major gripe with the game, ultimately, would have to be with its presentation. Now, if you have been reading these reviews for a while, you would know that I prioritize gameplay over everything else, because in most circumstances, if the game isn’t fun to play, then that kinda defeats the whole purpose of me liking it or playing it at the end of the day. However, I still do think that presentation plays a big factor into how much one can enjoy a game, and when it comes to Hagane, it is one of the most generic looking and sounding games from this era. Yeah, it still looks and sounds pretty good for the era, but none of it stands out as being anything original or eye-catching, looking too much like any other ninja-themed game on the market, hence why most people probably didn’t own it back in the day, and why it now costs about an arm and a leg for a used copy on eBay. It isn’t enough to where it makes the gameplay any worse, but it is something to bring up nonetheless.

Overall, despite its bland visuals and soundtrack, this still remains as one of the best hidden gems that I have ever gotten to experience from the SNES library, giving the right amount of satisfying combat and platforming elements you could want from a ninja game, keeping the challenge high but not to the point of being unfair, and being short enough to where you can breeze through it in an hour or so and feel satisfied by what you had just experienced. I would definitely recommend it for those who are big fans of other titles like Ninja Gaiden or Shinobi, as well as those who are looking for something new to play for your SNES system, because I would definitely say it is worth loading up on your SNES emulator and giving a shot… cause you probably won’t be buying an actual physical copy of it for yourself, unless you have hundreds of dollars just collecting dust somewhere. It does suck though that this game never did get any kind of continuation or follow-up, cause I would’ve definitely loved to see a sequel come along to expand on what this game does, or even a hack-’n-slash reboot in the same vein as what Ninja Gaiden or Shinobi did. But hey, a man can dream, I guess…

Game #560

It makes complete sense that, out of all of the old Hudson Soft franchises that Konami would bring back into the modern gaming scene, Bomberman would be the one that they would choose, but the iteration of Bomberman they would bring back was a bit of a surprise. They have released a small variety of Bomberman games in the past couple of years, like Amazing Bomberman and whatever this stupid weeb shit is, but for the most part, the series has had its primary focus on the Super Bomberman set of games, starting with Super Bomberman R, and continuing on with other titles like Super Bomberman R2, which was released last year. These games could be considered completely separate entities from the other Super Bomberman games, considering how they look and feel much different from those games, but if that is the case, then why would they even bother putting the “Super” in that title in the first place? Not to mention, it is interesting seeing this kind of take on the character and its world in recent years, which has gotten me interested in this little sub-series, even if most of it has nothing to do with what is currently being made. But anyways, I figured I would start to give the sub-series a try by, of course, starting out with the first game, Super Bomberman.

I haven’t played this particular iteration of Bomberman before, nor any of the other games in this sub-series aside from SBR, but I have seen it in action several times before, primarily due to this video by Sr. Pelo, which, if you haven’t watched it, please do so, cause it is funny shit. But anyway, it did make me wanna try out the game, even though when going into it, I wasn’t expecting much from it. It was probably just gonna be another Bomberman game, just this time on the SNES, and to be fair, it is mostly just that, but there was enough new stuff there, as well as enough charm and character, to where I ended up having a pretty great time with the game as a whole, and I would say it is my favorite Bomberman game that I have played so far.

The story is somewhat complex for this franchise, but not by much, where a robot tournament is being held by the evil Carat Diamond in Diamond City, with the robots in the tournament having the same capabilities that Bomberman have, taken from the Black Bomberman after being kidnapped by them, but soon after, Black Bomberman escapes their clutches and goes to warn the White Bomberman as to what is going on, so it is up to the two of them to team up and take on Carat Diamond and his evil minions to stop their dastardly deeds. It is a simple premise, yet one that is somewhat creative and enjoyable, even though you will most likely not know what the fuck is going on in the game itself if you didn’t try reading up on the plot beforehand.

The graphics are fantastic, having plenty of personality and detail put into all of the enemies, characters, and bosses throughout the stages, and the game’s overall style is much more preferable then what had come before it on the NES, the music is pretty sweet, having plenty of great tracks that I really grew to love while playing through the game, such as this one and this one, which I never got tired of listening to when they popped up in the game, and the gameplay/control is exactly like previous Bomberman games, so you should know almost exactly what to expect if you have played literally any other game in the series before, but compared to past games, it does add in a few new additions that make the game that much more fun addicting to play for me, hence why it is now my favorite title in the series so far.

The game is an isometric maze game, where you take control of whatever color of Bomberman you choose, go through a set of six different worlds, most of them containing their own set of levels that you have to conquer, use your bombs to blow up whatever debris is around you and blow up the many foes that you will encounter, while also making sure to not blow up yourself in the process, gather plenty of power ups that can either increase your massive firepower to heights you never thought possible, or become a detriment to you and cause you grief, because why would you pick up something that has a skull on it, you fucking idiot, and take on several bosses that will provide a bit of challenge if you aren’t quite ready for them. Most of it is your standard Bomberman experience, nothing to really get too impressed by, but it is the added charm and character from the graphics and animations in this game, coupled with the new additions to the series, that made me end up loving it more than I probably ever would have if they weren’t there to begin with.

While this isn’t the first game in the series to introduce them, this game now has boss fights, something that was severely lacking in the original two NES Bomberman games, with the bosses ranging from your generic big bad robots to a nightmare-inducing clown head that I want away from me as soon as possible. These bosses, as a whole, aren’t really all that challenging, and if you know what you are doing, you can take down a lot of them pretty easily, with the exception of the final boss, who does require a little more strategy to take on, and I did struggle quite a bit with him. Nevertheless, these bosses still provided fun enough challenges, and it was a nice change of pace to take these guys on whenever I got to them.

In addition, you can now play through the main game with a friend, who will control Black Bomberman and can do just as many things as the White Bomberman can do. I myself didn’t have the pleasure of playing through the game with a friend, because I am a lonely sack of shit, but the fact that the option is there is still pretty neat, and I imagine that that would be the best way to play through the main mode… even if you can still blow each other up with your bombs. If you are not a fan of doing that in a co-operative setting, then not to fear, because as is tradition with Bomberman, there is a Battle Mode where you and up three other people (with the multitap, of course) can duke it out in an explosive match in the arena to see which one of you truly is the mightiest Bomberman of them all. Naturally, this is definitely where most of the fun that this game offers is gonna be had, and from what I have played, this is definitely the best multiplayer mode that the series has had so far, even if other games after this obviously have managed to surpass this by a long shot.

Of course though, given that this is a Bomberman game that we are talking about, most of it is still the same old shit that you have been doing time and time again, and for those who can’t get into these games, or even for those who have gotten sick of them, there will be nothing in this game that will win you over above the others. Yeah, there are those new features and enhanced modes that I mentioned, but most of these additions are just standard features you can find in any other game, so having them here really doesn’t seem like a selling point, unless you are someone who is a big fan of the series like I am. Also, some parts of the game were somewhat annoying to deal with, such as World 5 of the main mode, which was just a gauntlet against the Robot Bombermen that were made, and let me tell you, fighting them was just… sharp inhale, SO MUCH FUN (kill me). But hey, despite all that, for a game that is over 30 years old at this point in a series full of plenty of other, very similar games, it still manages to be a fun time regardless, and that is all I care about at the end of the day.

Overall, despite not that much change, Super Bomberman managed to take the typical Bomberman formula, give it a new coat of paint, and expand on it enough to where I can say it is a great time, one that is great to play whether through the single-player mode or with some buddies in some versus matches, and one that fans of the series can get a kick out of all the same. I would definitely recommend it for those who are big fans of this series, as well as those who just couldn’t get into what past games like Bomberman 1 or 2 gave them, because while there isn’t much new here, it manages to polish up most of the rough edges and add enough personality to where you could get a kick out of it regardless of what came before. satisfied sigh... you know what, I am glad that I decided to stick to these games, cause each entry just seems to be getting better and better as I keep playing them, and it makes me wanna get to the next game as soon as possible! But, of course, I gotta look at some other stuff first, just to not make things too stale. So, I’ll see you all in a month or so when I inevitably play Super Bomberman 2, and probably forget this game ever existed at all.

Game #559

Well, after taking a brief detour into the spin-off world of this franchise with a surprisingly great puzzle game, I think it’s about time that I stepped back into the proper set of Bubble Bobble games. For every single one of these games that I had reviewed before, I had already had prior knowledge of them from previous playthroughs I did in the past, but from here on out, everything is gonna be brand new for me, so I am curious to see how exactly Taito manages to evolve this franchise over the next few entries, while also hopefully trying to not destroy it in the process. But of course, because consistency is a myth, we have yet another confusing entry in the series that calls itself Bubble Bobble II, which is not only supposed to be a sequel to the original game, it also apparently takes place after the events of Parasol Stars. I would question this, but I think the best way to approach this series’s continuity is how one should approach the Zelda timeline: pretending it doesn’t exist. So, I managed to do that and have a good ol’ time with the game in question, Bubble Symphony.

Like I mentioned before, I had never played this particular entry in the series before, but I was pretty excited to check it out for several reasons, primarily because this was gonna be the first time that I was gonna be playing the arcade versions of one of these games. Not to say that the other versions of the previous games were bad, but it is clear from what I have heard that the arcade versions are the true versions of these games, so I was ready to go in and fully see one of these games in their full, intended glory. So now that I have played one of these games in their full intended glory, I can certainly say that… it’s a Bubble Bobble game alright, but that’s not a bad thing in this case. It still manages to be a great game, giving fans plenty of what they love about this franchise, while bringing in some changes and nice surprises to make you want to see everything this game has to offer.

The story is appropriately simple for this franchise, where four kids named Bubblun, Bobblun, Kululun, and Cororon are having a good time reading some books like model citizens, but while doing so, they inadvertently unleash the evil Hyper Drunk into the world, who turns them into dragons and sent into another world, so it is up to the four of them to find their way back home, defeat Hyper Drunk, and find a way to return back to normal, which is not only a good enough plot for one of these games, but it also proves just how dangerous books can be, so thank god something showed us the truth. The graphics are pretty great, not only being as bright, colorful, and energetic as you could ever want, but also having great designs for all of the characters, enemies, and bosses that make the game a joy to look at, the music is pretty good, once again not having too many tracks, and the ones that are there are played over and over again, but they are good tracks to listen to, even if they aren’t as catchy as the classic tunes, and the gameplay/control is almost identical to that of previous Bubble Bobble games, with a few twists and turns here or there, so fans and newcomers alike should be able to jump in and have a good time with it immediately.

The game is a 2D platformer, where you take control of one of the four kids that I mentioned earlier, go through many different levels spanning across many different worlds, shoot many enemies in the face with your unlimited supply of bubbles so that you can pop them out of existence and collect their remains in the form of delicious fruits and other various items, gather plenty of different power ups and items which can not only change what your bubbles can do, but also give you temporary boosts and lead towards getting the best ending of the game, and take on several bosses that will give you a hard time if you aren’t rapid-firing your bubble power like crazy at them to take them out really quickly. Anyone who has played Bubble Bobble before this will be able to understand pretty much everything this game is doing, as there aren’t really any huge changes to the formula to shake things up, but not only is the main gameplay still fun enough to where you don’t care too much about that, but also the game has a touch of personality and charm that none of the games previously have managed to match, even if very close.

Given how this is meant to be a sequel to the original Bubble Bobble, it does implement some things that weren’t present in that game originally, such as with the inclusion of more power ups to mess around with and more bosses to fight, and while none of these are anything too new to the franchise as a whole, the way they are implemented in this game does feel pretty natural and very fun to experience. It feels like this is the proper evolution of the original title, not needing to completely reinvent the main gameplay or change up any of the characters and scenarios, which definitely helps it out a lot more in the end. Not to mention, the core elements of the original game that are brought back here are vastly improved upon, such as with the playable characters, with there being not only more options to choose from, but each one is distinct from each other, having their own attribute to take advantage of, which is pretty neat, and does allow for a lot of experimentation to see which kind of playstyle suits you best, even if I just mainly stuck with Bubblun for most of the journey.

Much like in the typical Bubble Bobble fashion, the game also has a lot of things to do and see, having many different worlds to see and levels to beat, while also having a ton of replay value as well. After beating each world, you are given the choice of what different world you want to go to next, with there being specific paths you can take that will lead to several different endings, encouraging you to replay the game to take different routes to see what else you can find. Not to mention, each of the worlds have unique themes to them, such as the generic ones like a dessert-themed world and a toy-themed world, or eve ones that are based on other Taito properties, like Space Invaders and Kiki KaiKai (Pocky & Rocky? What the fuck is that?). It is really weird to see these kinds of worlds in this world, but at the same time, my huge-ass smile signifies how much I like them, and the game wouldn’t be as great if they weren’t in there at all.

If none of that bubbles your bobble though (I am so sorry), then there probably won’t be much else here to win you over if you weren’t into the other games. Most of it is your typical Bubble Bobble affair, where ya blow bubbles, ya pop enemies, they turn into weird objects, and you question what drugs you took before turning on the game: we all know how this goes at this point. Even if you ignore that though, there are still those elements that I, a true Bubble Bobbler at heart, still am not a fan of, such as the fact that you need to find all of these separate objects in order to get the true ending. While it isn’t as cryptic as the original game, it is random enough to where it can be a pain at times, especially since you are always on a time limit, and I don’t want that whale ghost to bubble my bobble at all.

Overall, despite not that much change and some elements of the franchise being here that I just want to leave me alone, this was still yet another great entry in this great series, full with enough energy and adorable vibes that makes me wanna keep playing, plenty for you to do and see, and small changes that do the job at making this feel like a true sequel to the original, despite all the other follow-ups that came beforehand. I would definitely recommend it for those who are big fans of the series, or for those who have never played this series before, because even if the game is a little more obscure than others, it is a great place to start, and I’m sure you’ll have a great time with it, even with a friend right alongside you. And since I can’t think of any joke to end this review off of, I guess I will make a promise to you all that, from this point on, I will never EVER make a “bubble your bobble” joke again. Probably already lost enough followers as is just from that joke, no need to keep bobbling it up like that.

Game #558

Back in 2022, I played Dr Robotniks Mean Bean Machine. I knew it was Puyo Puyo with Sonic characters, but I wanted to give it a try since I was playing a lot of Sonic games around that time. Turns out I sucked at it! Only got to like stage 6 before I gave up, and even then I'm surprised I got that far lol.

Kirby's Avalanche is Puyo Puyo again, only Kirby themed. This time around I only got to stage 3 before I quit(if were not counting the starter stages which I did complete). Idk man, my brain just melts sometimes whenever I'm playing. I'm way more of a Tetris guy than a Puyo Puyo guy, but those early stages were somewhat fun I'd say.

Besides me liking Kirby more than Sonic, something I definitely thought put this over Mean Bean Machije was the dialogue before each stage. Goddamn, Kirby is savage in this one. Maybe feels a little out of character, especially for how he is nowadays but it was very entertaining. Had to look up all the scenes cuz I knew I didn't want to miss them. If anything, its worth it to see them alone cuz they're hilarious.

Considering how short this game is too, the length of the OST is super short as well but the couple stage themes being remixes of Kirby's Adventure songs was nice.

Yeah, as you can see, I don't have much to say about this one. It's Puyo Puyo but Kirby themed like I said and I got filtered by Puyo Puyo yet again 😢. Guess that series just isn't for me haha. Kinda stinks this is another Kirby game I ended up not beating but it will probably be the last (unless one of the future spinoffs filter me as well). Either way, next Kirby game is Dreamland 2 so I'm happy to finally get to another mainline again.

You know what I haven’t done in a hot minute or so? Make fun of ADK, so let’s do that again! I mean, why not, it should be a fun thing to do, and besides, not doing so has been eating at my soul. I have been too nice to them recently, with me actually somehow liking World Heroes 2 Jet, so it only feels right to go to one of their older products, to examine how bland and uninspired it is, and then point out all of the other ridiculous elements present in said product along the way. But what other ground have they covered? They’ve done fighting games, they’ve done platformers, they’ve done run ‘n guns, so what else can they screw up at… looking at list... a beat-’em-up? Oh, that’s perfect! So now, for most of you at home, let’s go ahead and talk about a game that you all have never heard of in your life, Ninja Combat.

Like you, I had no clue that this game existed until I decided to look it up for myself, and based on what I did see about it, it looked extremely underwhelming. It was a launch title for the Neo Geo systems back in the day, so that is to be expected, but that doesn’t automatically spell out the quality of a game. I mean, Super Mario World was a launch title, and we still love that game, so who’s to say that this game wouldn’t be any better or worse? Well, unfortunately though, it isn’t quite on the same level as Super Mario World, and it wasn’t bad enough to where I could have fun ripping it to shreds, so the most I can say is that it is just… there. It does it’s job, and I bet you could have a good time with it with the right person to join you, but if you aren’t immediately on board with what the game gives you from the minute you press the start button, then you are gonna be in for a very mediocre time.

The story is just as generic as the game itself, where the evil Shadow Family starts to take over New York with the help of their Ninja Tower and all the baddies that dwell within it, so it is up to the brothers Joe and Hayabusa, along with a few other faces they run into along the way, to storm the tower and take the family down, which can only be an exciting plot if you have never played any other game in your life, which, let’s be honest, the chances of this being someone’s first game are VERY slim. The graphics are ok, looking on the same level as all of ADK’s other games I have played so far, meaning that it looks on par with other Neo Geo titles, but somehow feels cheap and artificial when you play it, the music is fine, having decent tracks for the levels and boss fights, but they are gonna leave your mind just as quickly as the game itself when you are done with it, and the gameplay/control is very generic and simple for the genre, but somehow it feels more soulless and generic then most of the other beat-’em-up games I have ever played… but it somehow isn’t as bad as Rushing Beat, so it gets a gold star!

The game is your typical hack and slash beat-’em-up, where you take control of Joe, Hayabusa, or any of the other characters you meet along the way, take on seven different stages through several different generic environments on your way to take on whatever lies in the Ninja Tower, slice down plenty of enemies using plenty of different attacks, including a special attack that you can pull off if you have enough health, gather plenty of weapons to help you out along the way, as well as scrolls that can grant you increased strength and speed, along with extra lives at points, and take on plenty of bosses that do look threatening enough, but is about as challenging as breathing air… or at least, if you have infinite credits like I do. You see it, you know it, you love it, you know what you are getting into with the game, but as I have mentioned several times already, aside from one or two admirable aspects of the game, there isn’t really anything here to make this anything more than a generic time waster for a half hour before you never touch it again.

I will say, despite how generic and soulless the game is as a whole, I did like some aspects about it, such as how it handles additional characters and power-ups. Like I mentioned before, there are those scrolls that upgrade your character as you keep going, which is pretty sweet to get and hang onto, and for the first couple of stages, whenever you beat them, you end up unlocking a new character that you can switch to in-between stages, and they can be fun to mess around with, especially Musashi, who became my go-to character for the remainder of the game. However, that’s really where all of my compliments end, as when you play the game for yourself, you can feel all the care and love that the developers DIDN’T put into this, especially when it comes to your main attack, which is so broken that you can pretty much just spam it and take care of whatever comes your way. Yeah, bosses require a bit more strategy, but most of the other enemies aren’t a threat whatsoever, and you can defeat them all with one hand while checking your phone, which I’m pretty sure I did at one point.

In addition to that, there are also the typical roadblocks that I ran into when it came to what I don’t enjoy in these kinds of games, such as arcade syndrome, where the game throws many enemies at you at once and expects you to deal with them all before they get the chance to take you down, and there are repeating bosses, which aren’t too bad most of the time, but there was at least one instance where a boss was repeated TWICE, because I guess the devs just loved fighting him so much, they wanted us to feel that same love as well. With all that said and done, again, I will say that the game as a whole isn’t really all that bad. It accomplishes what it sets out to do, and again, if you need some way to kill 30 minutes, it is a good way to do so, but with nothing here to not only stand out, but also make it seem like the devs had any kind of idea how to make an engaging product, why would you choose to play it over anything else?

Overall, despite the fun-at-times combat and some gameplay features that I did end up liking, this is one of the most “nothing” beat-’em-ups that I have ever played, doing the bare minimum and showing off what the Neo Geo is capable of, but not giving any reason for players to return to it, or even choose it over the many better games in the genre that came out before and since. I would recommend it for those who are obsessed with the genre, as well as those who want an idea of one of the earliest points in the Neo Geo’s lifespan, but aside from that, I would just stick to other titles if you want some great beat-’em-up action with your friends. But, I will say, there is one thing very appealing about this game that only this company and SNK can manage to pull off to make me want to check out every one of their games from this era: the voice acting. Like most of these games, it is so terrible, that if you don’t have any interest in playing this yourself, at least give a listen to the “cutscenes” in the game. You won’t regret it.

Game #557

Scorn is an uneven balance of Riven-like alien techno-puzzling and atmospheric existential horror akin to SOMA. The art is a perfect amalgamation of Giger & Beksiński, fleshy organic architecture amassed across the surface of a dying world. The first two-thirds present particularly engaging core puzzles, as you slowly unpick the purpose of the machines you are revving up, often leading to some sort of sacrifice of an innocent(?) being (ranging from tiny weird guys to enormous weird guys) in this abject world. The wordless communication of the narrative through exploration, the environment & your ritualistic puzzling is refreshing (in a time where many games won't. shut. up).

The alien life wandering the flesh-corridors are alluring at first, with some interesting behaviours ambivalent to, & decentering, the player. But their placement and the very awkward feeling combat generates annoyance rather than tension, a very clumsy implementation of what was probably envisioned as a ‘living’ world but grew smaller in scope as they struggled to bring this to release. This is most evident in the very dull final chapter where a (puzzle) boss and most puzzles are solved with blunt-force explosives. Despite my final impressions, Ebb has a really strong foundation here and I look forward to seeing how they grow.

Narratively, this was a treat to experience for the first time over covid. Few pieces of media can keep me guessing through to the end the way this game did. It lets you know early on that it’s willing to nosedive from its lighthearted tone directly into some truly shocking, depressing places, completely change the scope of the narrative without warning, and that nothing is off the table when it comes to its world ending stakes. The characters as well are so diverse, memorable, developed and have a familial band dynamic comparable to that of The Last Airbender. The game is constant surprise after surprise and it never lets up until the credits roll. Gameplay-wise it’s great as well. Turn based games usually have to work a bit harder to win me over, but then again, this game isn’t really turn based. The active time battle system and all the different ways you can mess around with materia and summons gives you tons of freedom to customize to your whim, think outside the box and break the game in creative ways. Oh did I mention the OST? Top 3 of all time, and it ain’t #3. I whistle some of these tracks to myself at work all the time.

I do have a couple gripes. I played the Playstation Classic version, which is based on the original release, which was littered with translation errors which especially made the game’s midsection a bit tough to follow. It’s also a very minigamey game, and I found them inconsistent in quality. I’m really glad the Playstation Classic had it’s own save scumming feature because without it, grinding the Gold Saucer for the Omni Slash most definitely would’ve seen a hole punched in my TV. And for as much as it subverts a lot of my least favourite JRPG tropes, it still features some of them in full force, like random encounters.

It’s flawed, but it’s high points hit high and there’s a good reason why Square has milked this game like few others in their catalogue.

Have you ever watched somebody play a game, said somebody being one of your friends or somebody online, and they just… you know… suck? Like, they COMPLETELY suck. Whether they are playing the game for the first time, or they have a good amount of experience with it, they just can’t seem to get the handle of it, whether it be trying to pass a specific challenge or just try to play the game in general, and you watch as they just can’t figure it out in. In some scenarios, you could potentially offer your input to try to help them out, or, if you are anything like me, you sit back and laugh at their misery all the way through. Not only that, but you also think to yourself “Hey, you know what, I’m good at video games… I could do a much better job at playing this game then this CHUMP could”, which was basically my mindset whenever I went into X-Kaliber 2097.

I had never played this game before the day I am typing this review, nor do I really know anything about it, but I have seen it before, primarily through a YouTube video featuring Arin of the Game Grumps playing the game. He didn’t really get far at all, getting destroyed by the first boss, which could be looked at from two different perspectives. On one hand, maybe the boss was just actually pretty difficult, or, on the other hand, considering some of Arin’s previous endeavors when trying to play games meant for children, maybe he just straight up fucking blows, which is a distinct possibility. I figured, since enough time has passed, I would give the game a shot myself to see if it is actually as hard as it looks, and from my experience, I can say that it is not… or at least, it isn’t completely impossible anyway. But anyway, you all came here to hear me review a game, not show up some rando on the internet, and from what I played, I can say that X-Kaliber 2097 is………. ok. It’s fine for what it is, and it has some appeal to it, but it doesn’t offer anything too special that plenty of other games at the time were also doing.

The story is typical for a game like this, where in the far future of 2097, the world has fallen, and crime has run rampant throughout, all run by a mysterious individual named Raptor, who ends up kidnapping one of the only humans unaffected by the crime known as Alix, so it is up to Slash, Alix’s partner/friend/possibleloveinterest, to equip himself with the X-Kaliber blade and go rescue her, which… I mean, what do you want me to say, it’s a Mario plot, and Mario plots are about as exciting as waking up in the morning. The graphics are alright, having detailed visuals for the enemies, stages, and bosses, but it all looks very generic for a SNES title, which can also be said for the music, which, while not bad by any means, isn’t anything all too special, and some tracks are repeated over and over again, but it sounds good enough for what you will be doing in the game, and the gameplay/control is simple enough, having some complex mechanics for the combat, but most of it is your standard SNES platformer affair that you know all too well.

The game is a 2D hack and slash platformer, where you take control of Slash, go through six different stages full of generic SNES-era environments we have all seen plenty of times, slash your way through plenty of enemies while combating any enemy fire that you will see along the way, gather plenty of food items to heal yourself in the nick of time so that you don’t end up as a rotting corpse on the floor, and take on plenty of one-on-one fights with the game’s bosses, who will provide a great amount of challenge and will test how much you can spam your sword swipe when necessary to fend them off. It is a game that solely relies on its difficulty most of the time to carry itself, which in this case isn’t necessarily a good thing, because outside of all that, there isn’t much else to get too excited about here. But hey, it still manages to be decent, so I guess I can’t fault it for that.

What you see is what you get with this kind of game, as it is as straight and narrow as you would expect. You run from left to right, up, down, or whatever direction the game chooses, you slash a bunch of dudes, you get items, you cry whenever you get hit and inevitably die, it is all too familiar for platforming enthusiasts like myself. It feels like it is trying to be something like Strider or Run Saber, except it forgot about the part where the gameplay needs to be fast and exciting in order to achieve a fraction of that likability. Outside of the main game though, there is also a Duel Mode present in the game, which pretty much functions like a fighting game mode. You pick between six of the game’s characters, fight a friend in a one-on-one battle, and see which one of you is the best person in the friend group while everyone else cowers in shame. I didn’t play this mode for this review, but from what I have seen, it doesn’t really look like anything too fun, and is just something tacked onto the package just in case you are tired of getting smacked from the main mode.

Which speaking of, that is one thing I can give this game, because where it fails to bring the same energy and fun that Strider and Run Saber has, it does bring in the difficulty that those games had, because HOLY FUCK, it is hard. For the record, I did play through the whole thing on Normal mode, and even then, there were plenty of enemies coming in to take shots at me, throwing in attacks that I couldn’t quite avoid in time, and a limited amount of range for your attacks which can lead to some disastrous encounters if you aren’t prepared. Not to mention, the bosses are on an entirely different level when it comes to their difficulty, as it feels like luck whether or not you can win some of these… but then you get to bosses like Raptor, who you can just defeat by repeating the same basic attack over and over again with how open he leaves himself most of the time, so reality, maybe I really am just a chump who can’t play most of this game properly without getting smacked down.

Overall, despite how the main gameplay does work well enough, as well as how brutal the game can be at times, X-Kaliber 2097 is one of the most average and lifeless games I have ever played from the SNES, having all of the ingredients here that could make for a pretty great hidden gem for the system, but not knowing what to do with any of them, which ends up making one of the most forgettable gaming experiences that I have had in recent memory. I would only recommend it for those who desperately need something new to play, specifically from this era, because otherwise, there are many, MANY better options for you out there. But anyway, before we end this review off, I would like to point out that, for some unexplained reason, this game has SEVEN difficulty options… SEVEN, ranging from Very Easy to Hardest. Normal is just the third difficulty option, so I can’t even imagine what it would be like to try to play on the Hardest setting. My guess is that, once you enter the first level, Slash just immediately has a heart attack and dies, giving you an instant game over. It would be a much better alternative then going through what he does have to go through.

Game #556