I failed to beat Cut Man 11 years ago and have only now come to claim his head. There's tons of charm here, no doubt, but it's dampened by the level and boss design. Fire Man can be spammed at with any weapon, Cut Man is way too hard without rocks, which makes Dr. Wily Stage 2 aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh you've all already heard this shit I'm sure it's not what you want to hear me talk about so I'll use this time to confess to food crimes like dipping gummy bears in ketchup or butter in marinara sauce or adding cookies n cream ice cream to wine and microwaving it

I live in a world where I have been disappointed by Garten of Banban. I am lost. I am unforgivable.

I hardly know what to say, even, since I enjoyed this way less than the other games. 1 was so bad it was good, 2 had The Cannon Game, 3 honestly had a few things. This game... has one decent voice actor who's overqualified for the job, and some genuinely good parts of the soundtrack. Nothing in the gameplay, nothing in the writing, even with those bars resting soundly in the mantle of the earth.

Front to back, this game is about as boring as a cashier job. There are exactly two neat ideas in this whole game: the setting of the kingdom, and spot the difference. The kingdom itself is fine, i suppose, though I have my reservations with the game's seeming lack of justification for it. This game justifies nothing, actually, just "oh yeah this is here by the way.” It feels like aiming in a black void, which is especially notable here because we're at game 4 now, yet with how little it actually builds on existing facets it feels like it should be the first game. Furthermore, the spot the difference is simply poorly executed. Apparently it can be quite difficult (according to LenaLesbian, citing Nightblade) but for me, it was (1) big things that a bathroom could simply not be without (2) like three very big boxes missing (3) the chairs in the sunroom, twice in a row. Unengaging, and beyond me why they'd give four minutes for it.

So, if not neat ideas, what's left? Well, uh, there's- oh fuck this I don't want to write more about this game. It's dialogue mush with padding presented in the form of stretching the crumbs of plot to the max (contrast with the "just keep throwing stuff" attitude of the last two games, which was much preferred,) it's a poor execution extravaganza, it takes itself seriously the whole time and cracks i think only one joke, it's a fucking waste of time and complaining more is a waste of time. It is as low as a 2/10 can go, only saved by a couple things along the way that kept it simply forgettable rather than outright miserable. I turned 21 years old just yesterday, I'm being asked to come to bed, it's nearly 3AM and I have to be up in seven hours, there's a beautiful life ahead of me and I can't sit here and inundate myself in a mascot horror lore game. It took just one game to get me absolutely sick of this. Let me out. Please do not buy me the next game.

See I was going to write a piece about how my girlfriend gifted me this game (as with the previous two games,) how much time in her visit has been spent on this franchise, and how laughter brings us all together as humans, but I am so shocked to find an actual game here that I feel like I can't anymore.

Like, really, the Euphoric Brothers have actually made a game here. The first GoB was a quick grab for attention that worked probably way better than they were hoping for, the second game was capitalizing on the attention they got and miserably milking it, but this game has actually had some time in the oven. There's developments in the story that are actually okay this time. There's gameplay—and not just one bout of it—beyond walking and simple puzzles. Puzzles aplenty, sure, but I enjoyed some of them. Hell, there isn't even too much padding. Several steps forward were taken, and that much is worth credit.

...no of course it's not a good game. The re-use of the Cannon Game is shameful and the part that was honestly fun for me last time was substituted with aiming. The boss fight (yeah, actually) just isn't well-made, though you can at least learn fairly easily. Having to spend like 3 minutes re-equipping the kabob guy every time you die is annoying, and on that note, my god are the pancreas jokes excruciating. Heehee, weehoo, memes, get it you guys it's like the original. It's crazy to say that it "takes me out of it" because it's Garten of Banban but it took an almost-tolerable experience and shat on it. It both takes itself seriously and turns itself into a meme, and it doesn't do either thing well.

But at the very least, they're learning a thing or two. I think the plot and writing are beyond saving at this point, but I am legitimately curious as to where the next game will go. I cannot fucking believe I am curious about where Garten of Banban is headed now. Something is deeply wrong with me. I blame Lena.

The original GoB is a 1-star game because it's so bad it starts to become good. An unintended hilarity found within the most desperate of grabs. This sequel, however, is a 1-star game because it just straight-up sucks.

Garten of Banban 2 expands upon the universe of its predecessor, which is precisely the problem. The impression I got from the first game (as much as I didn't want one, and didn't want another, but my girlfriend is a mischievous fiend) was more of a quick addition to the developers' pile of attempts at attention, like the various musings of Dingo Pictures. This time around, they take themselves seriously, trying to capitalize on the interest that'd been garnered. The consequences of this are immediate: no longer is there a bass drop when you put an egg in Opila's mouth. No longer is there an unpredictable Jumbo Joshing. No longer is there anything terrifying outside of what the developers intended, aside perhaps the incredibly loud sound of six lights turning on at once.

There's something to be said about the element of soul in wonderfully terrible works. The Room, Angelic 2 The Core, Philosophy Of The World. The sheer confidence that all of these people had is what makes all of them genuinely enjoyable (presumably, I haven't listened to the latter two in full yet.) Within games, I would love to point to Fallalypse Death or Cress, an unholy yet enlightening experience, but the only motivator there was a quick buck. Yet, I'm deeply fond of that game because of how absolutely gut-wrenchingly bad it is, and I have played more shovelware than the grand majority of people. It stands out. The original Garten of Banban doesn't quite compare, but it certainly fits the bill.

This, however, is just cheap shit. The second you start becoming self-aware about your reputation is the second you lose what little charm you had. Nabnab is pathetic. The story isn't worth caring about. Banban's voice acting isn't funny beyond his first appearance. The attempt at a proper ending sucks so bad that I forgot it after going to eat dinner. The Cannon Game is fun, but it's clearly just padding to get playtime over two hours, which this game also fails at. Banbaleena can go to hell. Opila loses his AI from the first game, which made him, admittedly scary, and instead makes a beeline for you, which can go to hell. So much about this is indistinguishable from the wafts and wafts of sewage that line Steam, that would have never caught the attention of anyone had this been the first, because the Euphoric Brothers are just lucky people that haven't yet found their creative expression

The snail is funny, at least.

Sigh. I hate to be the resident Backloggd Bitch™ this time around but there just isn't enough to love here. The music's good, keyboard/mouse controls feel perfect (I'm not a fan of the controller, especially with the camera,) I like levels 4 through 6, and the aesthetic is all right there... but like, that's it.

The gameplay feels a bit dry, I suppose. I don't mean the simple moveset, nono - that's all fine and dandy, plus the game knows how to make it interesting in a few cases - I mean the levels. There's not a single nook or cranny, no real scavenger hunt, a grand majority of the powercells are in predictable places and it ends up feeling more like a to-do list as a result. There's enemies... I guess? They're big hunks of metal that never attempt to attack you with a walk speed slower than Patrick Star's pet rock. They present no remote challenge, in-line with most of the game, which otherwise (aside levels 5 & 6, though they're not really open-world) have no obstacles to speak of.

Now there's nothing wrong with a game being a cake walk if it's putting something interesting or engaging forth, but Super Kiwi 64 (again aside levels 5 & 6) doesn't do that. MACBAT 64, a Siactro game from 5 years ago, gets creative with its gameplay far more than this does. Super Kiwi 64 only really mixes it up with the addition of keys or the occasional level gimmick like lava, switches, or when you get extra speed for no explicable reason from your dog pilot partner. I won't nitpick the lack of explanations or plot - that part's fine, good games don't always need good writing, though it does feel like Siactro tried to set one up and left what he had in after deciding against it.

It's a shame, really, because Siactro is a talented guy (Toree 3D is damn solid and I need to raise my rating for it) and there are definitely the makings of something great here - enough so that the game is, honestly, not bad. Enjoyable, even. It just needed more love, more soul, more time in the oven. It's almost there.

Also, Siactro forgot to put in a Quit button on the PC version; an inaction that says a thousand words.