ac_church
2013
I'm not at all into philosophy, and this is very much a kind of game that invites terabytes of essays. But the ironies and conundrums it builds around choice, freedom, storytelling, and player agency, tickle the brain in all the right ways and make this an entertaining run through what could have been a dry and cerebral topic.
I wish that in-game choices would have a more lasting and evolving effect on the world, rather than just leading you down straightforward paths towards numerous endings. I guess for a 2013 indie that's too much to ask. Could have leaned more into the horror side as well: the game has some amazing liminal horror set pieces (endless corridors, impossible geometries, depopulated public spaces etc), but never ramps up the tension within them, always choosing the comedic route instead.
I wish that in-game choices would have a more lasting and evolving effect on the world, rather than just leading you down straightforward paths towards numerous endings. I guess for a 2013 indie that's too much to ask. Could have leaned more into the horror side as well: the game has some amazing liminal horror set pieces (endless corridors, impossible geometries, depopulated public spaces etc), but never ramps up the tension within them, always choosing the comedic route instead.
2019
Weirdly, found the lack of structure, objectives, or direction more stress-inducing than relaxing or cozy. Also, if I wanted to just walk around and carry sticks and shells and shit, I would just go outside? My fat ass can't fly or even climb worth a damn, but at least I would be looking at the autumnal woods in all of their unpixelated glory.
2010
The only sense of dread I felt from this game was when I anticipated going through another endless woods level shooting 50 copies of one enemy in exactly the same way.
Comparing this to Twin Peaks because it's a Pacific Northwest small town mystery is like comparing tea to piss because both are a yellow liquid. Barebones worldbuilding and mythology, story just cobbled from random plotlines of Stephen King novels.
There's nothing to find in the world, I peaced out after 3 hours, and haven't found a single interesting detail or exploration hook in any of the levels. Twin Peaks is all about building a weird world from many pieces, and Alan Wake just blindly copies the broad strokes and doesn't do any of the legwork.
There's an awful decision to pad out the lore with manuscript pages and radio broadcasts, that you have to stand in one place to listen to. Most of the game you're just running through barren woods, and they couldn't even do you the favor of making these lore-dumps listenable in transit.
Gameplay-wise, one of the most boring games I've ever played. The only thing you get to do in the levels is shoot one type of "zombie" with some of the worst designed gunplay in gaming history.
When you're not doing that, you're walking. Through uninspired, repetitive levels with nothing in them. This "horror" game doesn't attempt to scare you or create atmosphere in any way during these passages, they're just long and empty.
The level I quit on had the premise of Alan running from the cops, and it consists of you simply leisurely jogging through the woods while police lights and radio chatter bob in the distance. That is all. There are no mechanics involved, no attempt to ramp up the drama.
I haven't played Max Payne when I was a kid, and came to Alan Wake from Control, which is one of my favorite games of all time. I'm truly shocked that these two games were made by the same team, by the same author. Control rights everything that is wrong with Alan Wake, so I guess hooray for personal and creative growth for everyone involved.
Comparing this to Twin Peaks because it's a Pacific Northwest small town mystery is like comparing tea to piss because both are a yellow liquid. Barebones worldbuilding and mythology, story just cobbled from random plotlines of Stephen King novels.
There's nothing to find in the world, I peaced out after 3 hours, and haven't found a single interesting detail or exploration hook in any of the levels. Twin Peaks is all about building a weird world from many pieces, and Alan Wake just blindly copies the broad strokes and doesn't do any of the legwork.
There's an awful decision to pad out the lore with manuscript pages and radio broadcasts, that you have to stand in one place to listen to. Most of the game you're just running through barren woods, and they couldn't even do you the favor of making these lore-dumps listenable in transit.
Gameplay-wise, one of the most boring games I've ever played. The only thing you get to do in the levels is shoot one type of "zombie" with some of the worst designed gunplay in gaming history.
When you're not doing that, you're walking. Through uninspired, repetitive levels with nothing in them. This "horror" game doesn't attempt to scare you or create atmosphere in any way during these passages, they're just long and empty.
The level I quit on had the premise of Alan running from the cops, and it consists of you simply leisurely jogging through the woods while police lights and radio chatter bob in the distance. That is all. There are no mechanics involved, no attempt to ramp up the drama.
I haven't played Max Payne when I was a kid, and came to Alan Wake from Control, which is one of my favorite games of all time. I'm truly shocked that these two games were made by the same team, by the same author. Control rights everything that is wrong with Alan Wake, so I guess hooray for personal and creative growth for everyone involved.
2012
No sense of progression, just collecting meaningless gems in samey boring environments, randomly dying to one-shot traps, starting from the beginning. Movement is clunky as fuck. The only thing the gameplay loop actively rewards is getting the fuck out of the level. Took it one step further and got out of the game. One of the most unsatisfying roguelites I've played. Hated the music and the art style as well.
Reviewing all of the additional content for Dead Cells, since I haven't played any of it before, and the game had some massive additions since 2020.
I haven't opened Dead Cells in a hot minute, also known as 3 of the worst years of my life. In that time it somehow turned into a massive Deadpool-like project for roguelite and metroidvania games. References to other games are littered throughout the levels, there are homage quests, homage items and homage secrets. Like these thing go, some of it made me smile, some of it missed the spot, cause I haven't played whatever was referenced. Overall it's not too memorable, and the biggest homage, the sprawling Castlevania DLC, is not for me, as I'm mostly familiar with that world through the animated series (not much of a classics gamer).
The quality of life improvements are huge, and very welcome. It is much more streamlined and responsive experience than it was years ago.
The additional content is hit and miss. The new items are fun, but the vast majority feel gimmicky and not very useful. If you want to survive a run with any Boss Cells activated you need to steer clear of all the new shiny things, and they serve as a major annoyance because they clutter the space in the shops and chests. The companion items are very cute and, unlike most of the additions, powerful, but have zero play to them, they just go around and kill stuff for you.
The added levels leave a better impression. They experiment with stuff a lot in them, for example Lighthouse level gives an exciting vertical moving boss fight with traps and a ticking clock of a fire underneath you. Even for someone who is not particularly into Castlevania, everything in those locations looks and sounds awesome, as is with most of the new levels.
The core experience of Dead Cells is still probably the best 2D action I ever played, and you can't take that away from the game. On balance, the new additions are mostly entertaining fluff rather than something substantial. After completing all the new levels a couple of times, I mostly stuck to the original routes.
I haven't opened Dead Cells in a hot minute, also known as 3 of the worst years of my life. In that time it somehow turned into a massive Deadpool-like project for roguelite and metroidvania games. References to other games are littered throughout the levels, there are homage quests, homage items and homage secrets. Like these thing go, some of it made me smile, some of it missed the spot, cause I haven't played whatever was referenced. Overall it's not too memorable, and the biggest homage, the sprawling Castlevania DLC, is not for me, as I'm mostly familiar with that world through the animated series (not much of a classics gamer).
The quality of life improvements are huge, and very welcome. It is much more streamlined and responsive experience than it was years ago.
The additional content is hit and miss. The new items are fun, but the vast majority feel gimmicky and not very useful. If you want to survive a run with any Boss Cells activated you need to steer clear of all the new shiny things, and they serve as a major annoyance because they clutter the space in the shops and chests. The companion items are very cute and, unlike most of the additions, powerful, but have zero play to them, they just go around and kill stuff for you.
The added levels leave a better impression. They experiment with stuff a lot in them, for example Lighthouse level gives an exciting vertical moving boss fight with traps and a ticking clock of a fire underneath you. Even for someone who is not particularly into Castlevania, everything in those locations looks and sounds awesome, as is with most of the new levels.
The core experience of Dead Cells is still probably the best 2D action I ever played, and you can't take that away from the game. On balance, the new additions are mostly entertaining fluff rather than something substantial. After completing all the new levels a couple of times, I mostly stuck to the original routes.
2019
Me in Resident Evil 4, after realizing that you can parry and potentially need to die multiple times before solving a level: Oh so this is a Dark Souls game, cool.
Me in Resident Evil 2, after discovering that the sewers link back to the police station and the bosses have a specific pattern you need to exploit to beat them: Oh so this is a Dark Souls game, cool.
Me in Resident Evil 2, after discovering that the sewers link back to the police station and the bosses have a specific pattern you need to exploit to beat them: Oh so this is a Dark Souls game, cool.
2015
Good for a few hours, but quickly gets repetitive. Not enough depth and variety.
A lot of weird hate for Enter the Gungeon in the reviews, but Gungeon is a superior game in every way, even though obviously inspired by Nuclear Throne. Gungeon simply offers so much more variety for every playthrough - of items, characters, situations to solve, secrets, unlockables etc.
At its core Nuclear Throne has a solid fast-paced action loop. But it quickly gets boring, because every run is samey, the only thing you unlock (at least in the first ~5 hours that i played) is new characters.
There's a lack of variety in items and upgrades. Most guns within a bullet type largely do the same thing, and there's a lot of crossover between the types, too (energy and bolts pretty much do the same thing, as well as shotguns and explosives). Mutations are either highly situational or do the same boring utility thing (there's at least 3 different flavors for "get more bullets"). Compare that to Gungeon or Isaac where every pickup drastically alters your playthrough.
The characters are fun, but all the 5 additional ones that I unlocked seemed to be gimmick characters designed for runs with added challenge (one has 2 HP, for example). The basic two characters are the only two (that I've seen) that have any defensive capabilities, and that makes them far more useful.
A lot of weird hate for Enter the Gungeon in the reviews, but Gungeon is a superior game in every way, even though obviously inspired by Nuclear Throne. Gungeon simply offers so much more variety for every playthrough - of items, characters, situations to solve, secrets, unlockables etc.
At its core Nuclear Throne has a solid fast-paced action loop. But it quickly gets boring, because every run is samey, the only thing you unlock (at least in the first ~5 hours that i played) is new characters.
There's a lack of variety in items and upgrades. Most guns within a bullet type largely do the same thing, and there's a lot of crossover between the types, too (energy and bolts pretty much do the same thing, as well as shotguns and explosives). Mutations are either highly situational or do the same boring utility thing (there's at least 3 different flavors for "get more bullets"). Compare that to Gungeon or Isaac where every pickup drastically alters your playthrough.
The characters are fun, but all the 5 additional ones that I unlocked seemed to be gimmick characters designed for runs with added challenge (one has 2 HP, for example). The basic two characters are the only two (that I've seen) that have any defensive capabilities, and that makes them far more useful.
Almost entirely rides on the coattails of the first game, but even that is enough for a great experience. You can never even play Subnautica for the second time to the full effect, so making it again is a doomed undertaking.
Below Zero offers a lot of QOL upgrades, bug fixes, and performance improvements that make it a nice way of revisiting the glory of Subnautica in a more compact, more finely tuned package. Just as with the first game, I got completely obsessed and played for up to 6 hours a day, so shorter length was a bit of blessing for my productivity.
I was a bit disappointed that they tuned the horror down - some unfortunate creature design decisions (Leviathan class was massacred in this game) and even just the amount of dangerous encounters is to blame.
Nothing will ever top the intergalactic environmental disaster mystery of the first game, but it's cool that they tried to tell a more traditional story through the medium of Subnautica. Robin's journey was engaging, but there was some turmoil in writers' team and definitely shows - the story is confusing and feels unfinished, and the main quest of the game ends being a completely unrelated thing.
The biggest miss of the game is definitely the land sections. They are super long and boring, a pain in the ass to navigate, and I hated the feel of the dedicated land vehicle. I ended up just hoofing through all of these massive locations in the Prawn, and don't want to ever revisit them.
Subnautica is one of my top 5 games of all time, so needless to say I will buy any ticket to 4546B on offer in a blink of an eye. Below Zero was mostly good for reminding me of how much I love Subnautica, but that is absolutely good enough.
Below Zero offers a lot of QOL upgrades, bug fixes, and performance improvements that make it a nice way of revisiting the glory of Subnautica in a more compact, more finely tuned package. Just as with the first game, I got completely obsessed and played for up to 6 hours a day, so shorter length was a bit of blessing for my productivity.
I was a bit disappointed that they tuned the horror down - some unfortunate creature design decisions (Leviathan class was massacred in this game) and even just the amount of dangerous encounters is to blame.
Nothing will ever top the intergalactic environmental disaster mystery of the first game, but it's cool that they tried to tell a more traditional story through the medium of Subnautica. Robin's journey was engaging, but there was some turmoil in writers' team and definitely shows - the story is confusing and feels unfinished, and the main quest of the game ends being a completely unrelated thing.
The biggest miss of the game is definitely the land sections. They are super long and boring, a pain in the ass to navigate, and I hated the feel of the dedicated land vehicle. I ended up just hoofing through all of these massive locations in the Prawn, and don't want to ever revisit them.
Subnautica is one of my top 5 games of all time, so needless to say I will buy any ticket to 4546B on offer in a blink of an eye. Below Zero was mostly good for reminding me of how much I love Subnautica, but that is absolutely good enough.
2019
Fun and addicting game ultimately ruined by severe balance issues. Some characters and items are way stronger than others. In a lot of runs you simply run up against threats that one shot you or do unavoidable AoE attacks. There are too many extremely situational or straight up useless items, making too many runs a bummer. A lot of stuff like that. It's a cool game, and I spent quite a lot of hours on it, but ultimately I don't feel like I became better at it. Imo good roguelites should give you an option to succeed on any run by adapting and using the tools you are given. RoR is just about rolling the dice against a very cool psychedelic sci-fi environment, unfortunately.
2020
A game about a big guy shooting demons with a shotgun has absolutely no business having mechanics this deep, Lovecraftian cosmology this intense, or overall experience this infernally metal. And yet it does, and how lucky we are to have it. Doing a loud "WOOOO" every time you finish annihilating a horde of demons with a series of split-second strategic decisions is a joy everyone needs in their lives. Just the right length too, the intensity and difficulty are cranked up to the last moment and before it gets too exhausting the game is done. Masterful on every level.
2013
Passable as a dumb action game, but misguided in every other aspect, and even the things it does well Uncharted does many times better.
Some incomprehensible writing choices for an adventure game. The message it screams at you at every turn is all you will get if you dare to go on a quest is pain, misery, and death. Where Uncharted offers genuine thrills and humanism, Tomb Raider has nothing but relentless bleakness, torture porn, and the worst edgy grimdark drivel.
Where the writing isn't outright shitty, it's so boring and standard you kind of start to pine for the grimdark edginess. I can't remember a game where i was less interested in the central conflict, lore, any of the characters, collectibles, or anything adorning the gameplay loop.
The treatment of Lara is fucking abhorent, I'm frankly shocked that two women participated in writing this piece of shit. The sleaziest slasher directors have more respect for their female characters. From the very first scene this game is all about torturing Lara as much as possible, stripping her of all powers, and making her crawl through the dirt in a supposed empowerment narrative. What a scam.
The gameplay would possibly be something I could mildly praise, if it wasn't constantly interrupted by an endless barrage of quick time events, scripted scenes, cutscenes, tutorials etc. The game never gets any rhythm going, doesn't let you explore, fully enjoy any scene or set piece or present you with anything more substantial than bite-sized challenges.
All you get to do in Tomb Raider is sit through a deeply misogynistic, desaturated, miserable mid-00s style 'thriller' while occasionally pushing a button or two, and engaging in all the worst AAA games of that period had to offer - from throwaway tacked on 'RPG' mechanics to stale cover shooter gunplay.
Some incomprehensible writing choices for an adventure game. The message it screams at you at every turn is all you will get if you dare to go on a quest is pain, misery, and death. Where Uncharted offers genuine thrills and humanism, Tomb Raider has nothing but relentless bleakness, torture porn, and the worst edgy grimdark drivel.
Where the writing isn't outright shitty, it's so boring and standard you kind of start to pine for the grimdark edginess. I can't remember a game where i was less interested in the central conflict, lore, any of the characters, collectibles, or anything adorning the gameplay loop.
The treatment of Lara is fucking abhorent, I'm frankly shocked that two women participated in writing this piece of shit. The sleaziest slasher directors have more respect for their female characters. From the very first scene this game is all about torturing Lara as much as possible, stripping her of all powers, and making her crawl through the dirt in a supposed empowerment narrative. What a scam.
The gameplay would possibly be something I could mildly praise, if it wasn't constantly interrupted by an endless barrage of quick time events, scripted scenes, cutscenes, tutorials etc. The game never gets any rhythm going, doesn't let you explore, fully enjoy any scene or set piece or present you with anything more substantial than bite-sized challenges.
All you get to do in Tomb Raider is sit through a deeply misogynistic, desaturated, miserable mid-00s style 'thriller' while occasionally pushing a button or two, and engaging in all the worst AAA games of that period had to offer - from throwaway tacked on 'RPG' mechanics to stale cover shooter gunplay.
2021
Like a 3D Celeste (climbing and exploration as a metaphor for self-affirmation and self-discovery), but with challenge dial turned way down, and the focus firmly on chill travelling. It's extremely beautiful, the art gets tens across the board. The pacifist, solarpunk, utopian politics of the game show that its heart is in the right place as well. The gaming aspects themselves are where the game fails, since most of them are pretty simplistic and feel like an afterthought, but i really enjoyed exploring the Le Guin-esque story and world, and nailed every single trophy just to see as much of it as possible.
Worst FPS I've ever played
- Aesthetic equivalent of a direct to DVD swat movie. Levels have about the same level of appeal or detail to them as stock pictures of malls. Player characters are a boring grey mess, making it completely impossible to distinguish friend from foe - despite the fact that they are clearly separated in two factions. Absolutely disgusting to look at.
- Gunfight design is trash. All weapons feel the same, everything downs you in 2-3 shots (or it's even faster with cheaters who have impossible headshots every time). Movement is so stilted that fucking early 90s shooters feel more dynamic. Coming to this from Apex Legends feels as if your character has recently had a stroke. There's a mechanic where you freeze when you're being shot which is so incredibly stupid i don't even want to waste words on it.
- Community is more toxic than an MRA forum. I've played under 10 matches, and cheaters were ample in every one and very easily recognizable.
- Absolutely no variety in matches or entertainment value. You just get loaded onto a map, walk 10 paces and get instantly downed. In Apex even when I run into obvious pro players the firefight still lasts a decent chunk of time. You get to learn something. Here it's just some fucker shooting from a place you had no way of detecting them in, you, once again, GET SLOWED DOWN WHILE BEING SHOT, die in 2-3 shots.
Worst FPS I've played by a long shot, and a strong contender for the worst game I've ever played.
- Aesthetic equivalent of a direct to DVD swat movie. Levels have about the same level of appeal or detail to them as stock pictures of malls. Player characters are a boring grey mess, making it completely impossible to distinguish friend from foe - despite the fact that they are clearly separated in two factions. Absolutely disgusting to look at.
- Gunfight design is trash. All weapons feel the same, everything downs you in 2-3 shots (or it's even faster with cheaters who have impossible headshots every time). Movement is so stilted that fucking early 90s shooters feel more dynamic. Coming to this from Apex Legends feels as if your character has recently had a stroke. There's a mechanic where you freeze when you're being shot which is so incredibly stupid i don't even want to waste words on it.
- Community is more toxic than an MRA forum. I've played under 10 matches, and cheaters were ample in every one and very easily recognizable.
- Absolutely no variety in matches or entertainment value. You just get loaded onto a map, walk 10 paces and get instantly downed. In Apex even when I run into obvious pro players the firefight still lasts a decent chunk of time. You get to learn something. Here it's just some fucker shooting from a place you had no way of detecting them in, you, once again, GET SLOWED DOWN WHILE BEING SHOT, die in 2-3 shots.
Worst FPS I've played by a long shot, and a strong contender for the worst game I've ever played.
One of the best, most unhinged b-movie kind of games I've ever played: it's absolutely not a coinsidence that it is set mostly in Italy, the Italian cinematic exploitation masters would be so proud.
Game-wise It takes all the good shit from the Sniper Elite series (the dynamic marksmanship, the slo-mo kills, the WWII setting, the tactical set-ups for that good good murder), ditches all the boring stuff (samey levels, way too much time spent solving stealth situations), and just all-around ramps up the fun factor. Similairly to Sniper Elite it's a bit too long and repetetive, but unlike Sniper Elite there's a clear sense of constant escalation of both difficulty and just the sheer scale and ridicilousness of everything that is going on.
Aesthetics-wise you get all of the nazi- and zombiesploitation goodies you can ask for. Wanna shoot a zombie SS commander in the gonads in goregous slo-mo? You got it. Wanna lure a crowd of zombies into zombie shark's mouth? Fucking go for it. Zombie tanks? Yeah, we got those. Demon Hitler riding a giant zombie tank fortress? Yep, that too. The design on all of the zombies is top-notch, there are neat easter eggs for various horror classics strewn about, and in general it feels like the game has been made with a big love for classic exploitation cinema in mind. Which alone would be enough to sell this game to me, but it also doesn't hurt that it's just a big cheesy hunk of ridiclous trashy fun.
Game-wise It takes all the good shit from the Sniper Elite series (the dynamic marksmanship, the slo-mo kills, the WWII setting, the tactical set-ups for that good good murder), ditches all the boring stuff (samey levels, way too much time spent solving stealth situations), and just all-around ramps up the fun factor. Similairly to Sniper Elite it's a bit too long and repetetive, but unlike Sniper Elite there's a clear sense of constant escalation of both difficulty and just the sheer scale and ridicilousness of everything that is going on.
Aesthetics-wise you get all of the nazi- and zombiesploitation goodies you can ask for. Wanna shoot a zombie SS commander in the gonads in goregous slo-mo? You got it. Wanna lure a crowd of zombies into zombie shark's mouth? Fucking go for it. Zombie tanks? Yeah, we got those. Demon Hitler riding a giant zombie tank fortress? Yep, that too. The design on all of the zombies is top-notch, there are neat easter eggs for various horror classics strewn about, and in general it feels like the game has been made with a big love for classic exploitation cinema in mind. Which alone would be enough to sell this game to me, but it also doesn't hurt that it's just a big cheesy hunk of ridiclous trashy fun.