https://twitter.com/zenoslime/status/1669389705773711366

(cw: suicideal thoughts, etc.) if you're wondering, yes: i am homeless. have been for about 2 weeks. it's not my first time, but the last time was about 15 years ago, when i lived in oregon. the worst of my crimes is neglect for myself due to depression and anxiety. i like to get high sometimes, but it's only weed. i'm in therapy, i'm on meds -- i'm doing everything i can, more or less, though i could be spending more time trying to find work. it's been overwhelming enough just getting used to navigating the resources available to me... before getting chased off benches or picnic tables on the fucking sidewalk (by "business owners" who visibly pretend to support the homeless). i haven't been staying with family for a number of reasons: my sister's wrapping up the last stressful parts of an ugly divorce and she worries about her kids (i get it, for sure). my dad and i have had a weird relationship for a long time because of... reasons. he's not reliable. my mom told me the other day, "helping you doesn't work." which, you know, triggered a lot of suicidal thoughts, but i don't expect her to realize the impact of her words. and i just don't have any friends here because all of my old michigan friends no longer live here, everyone else is all over the world, and depression rules my life so completely that i just haven't made any new ones in the 3+ years since returning to michigan.

i turn 43 tomorrow.

yeah, it's very hard to keep going. pretty much cried to my therapist this morning that the only reason i don't more seriously consider suicide (to the point of planning) is that i don't want to do that to my sisters or my nephews. i'm wounded and petty enough to think it might teach some others that they were wrong and they fucked up (e.g. my mom, who is both fickle and self-righteous about any support she lends me). more than anything right now i just miss my cat (who is at my mom's) and i want a place to cry myself to sleep.

that might have been kind of a lot for a list on backloggd but i think i feel a little better, especially after openly weeping in the park (jk i pulled my hoodie tight like a butthole)

the ol' hoodie butthole boo-hoo

Im very sorry zn0. Everyone has done you a great injustice, im sure you already know that though. Utterly sickening to read about your mother saying that to you, thats not right at all. I dont know how much i can say that you dont already know but, i think even though it certainly looks near impossible to climb out of things like this, your life might look completely different a year, even a month from now. I wish i could help you find some peace but i dont have much at my disposal.... if you have anywhere i could give you some money though, i would gladly help out. Much love man, hang in there.

I know I'm just some stranger on the internet, but I sincerely hope things get better for you.

Reading this really breaks my heart, but I'm really glad that saying all this stuff helped you feel at least a little better. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet that talks about videogames, but I really, really hope things will get better for you, and I'm sure they will, even when it looks like its impossible. Much love and strength from this side of the world, and if you ever feel down and need to open youselve, here is a place as good as any, everything that makes you feel at least a little happiers is always good.

And even tho is tomorrow, happy birthday man :)

thanks, y'all. ❤️‍🩹 i took a walk before heading in to get a bed, and i saw a squirrel running through a parking lot with a whole slice of pizza in tow... i feel a little better and ready to face tomorrow. sitting in ah-nab-awen park by the river and it's cool a breezy - a nice break from the heat, though i look forward to the sun returning tomorrow...

seconding what moschidae said about letting us know if there's any way we can send a few bucks your way. I've gotten so much out of the writing you've graciously put time into and shared here (and on letterboxd), that I'd love to be able to repay you at least a little

i don't want to just ignore these kind responses, but i will say that i have complicated feelings about asking for money right now. i already did that on my twitter a few weeks ago and friends gave me a total of about 300 dollars. i used half of that to buy a very cheap laptop so i could go to the library and use it to look for jobs, resources, etc. the rest went to things like a good backpack, a raincoat, and some other necessities. got about 20 bucks left. i try to squeeze in a little video games where and when i can, but it's tough. it's not the most important thing, but then again it really does help to give me some relief from the harshness of just... getting through the day.

Even as someone who's only known you through here, I really hope shit gets better and things turn around quickly for you.

Fuck business owners, and I wish you all the goddamned best. Please pull through!

Going along w/ what everyone's been sayin here. Incredibly fucked what you've been facing, from the shitheel business owners to your own mother not even giving the support necessary to survive. I get ur comment on not being comfortable w/ receiving donations atm, but if at any point you're opening up about that offer again, I'll be sure to send some bucks over to ya. I hope things get better for you real soon, much love <3

Yeah what curse said, i understand not feeling comfortable taking money at the moment but if you ever change your mind dont feel afraid to ask, we all care for you and want you to have what you need. I dont know what you have to play on at the moment but you did say youd try to squeeze in some games, if you have a steam account lmk, maybe i can get you a bday gift at the very least (:

I also saw a squirrel the other day lugging a whole hot dog around. Funny guys.

I'm so sorry, and I know it doesn't mean much, but I applaud you for being able to keep on keeping on despite your circumstances, its admirable, and I wish you the absolute best and hope things start going your way.

while the offer warms my heart, i don't think i really need any more games than i already have and i couldn't in good conscience ask for such a gift when there's no steam sale on, haha. i've got my ds lite (and a dstwo filled with games) with me, and the laptop is running on an i7 and 16gb ram with an intel graphics chip and a weird screen resolution, so it's best suited to old and low-spec games and emulation. having a psp or something to more easily play ps1 games might be nice, but really, i don't need anything.

i'll link my steam profile just so anyone who wants to can add me, though you can probably see that i have plenty of games. https://steamcommunity.com/id/moonsword/

your kind words are enough

Hmm alright zn0, ill respect that. Regardless i hope you have a happy birthday today and youll be in my thoughts, stay safe ♡

it's going to be better

what the fuck am i doing? i'm talking with friends on a list i made to address my present situation and perspective. i'm aware of what i need to do, thanks. weird ass.

@mrchristmass counterpoint: have some fucking compassion

i was plucking up the courage to reply since i woke up today as i felt anything i say would be of little comfort, but my fondest happy birthday to you zn0. from the other side of this world we're on you're in my heart, i admire your strength during this unfair challenge and i do genuinely hope things are kinder towards you in the future.

would i be able to add you on steam with your permission? i'd love to see you around anywhere and know you are still fighting. take as gentle care as possible and stay warm, you are appreciated.

@mrchristmass desperately trying to imagine what kind of person someone would have to be to write this

@01156 of course you can, and thank you for such kind words

love y'all

situation is very critical and requires a basic solution faster than ever. 2 weeks are already too fucking much. it's not about basic needs, society or system, it's just about that person here. if you are such social community of remote good quality gamin friens find a way to help, contact someone to help in his area.

@curse yes, homeless life is more about VERY big focus on struggle than on literally everything. yes, it's more about limits of time, limits in another resources and finding solutions. it's just downhill from that if you are doing problem solving so slow, thinking about it wrong, etc.

@mrchristmass i'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you speak from experience. even if that's the case, i mean, i am not you. yes, i want to spend as little time as possible sleeping and showering at the shelter downtown because the vibe there can really vary day to day... but i also feel like i need to give myself a little time to find the right mindset for buckling down and working. i mean, being real i am just worried that if i rush into something i would end up crying at work or something. believe me, i do feel the pressure to get moving. i'm going to increase my efforts after the weekend.

whatever the case, please give it a rest.

Who the fuck says that to someone after they pour their hearts out like that. Its the man's birthday too, leave him alone.... you have no right to act like you know the best thing for this poor guy when youve never even met him. The audacity, holy shit... and talking like that to curse too lmao. Curse has more wisdom and sympathy than you could ever even possibly conceive, seriously someone needs to put you in your place. Insane behavior.

i've been meaning to reach out and say thank you (you know who you are)... just having a pretty rough time physically, emotionally, etc. and i don't really know where put it except for my therapist's ear tomorrow, for all the good that'll do. life is just the worst shit sometimes. i wish i had better things to say today but man i am just feeling awful.

after a few days at the hospital with an agonizing bacterial infection (and apparently very low iron), i am now somewhere safe with family for the foreseeable future. going to be back on my feet soon.

thank you so much for being there for me and lending me help, friends. i won't forget it and i hope i can repay your kindness in the not-so-distant future. feeling much better than i have in a long while...