Mobile games are, as an art form, pretty under-discussed and greatly under-valued. If you're my age (or a little younger) and grew up with parents not interested in indulging their child's burgeoning interests in things that genuinely brought them great joy, then it's very likely mobile games were a large part of your early time with gaming. Nowadays any child has a low-grade supercomputer in their pocket perfectly capable of running Final Fantasy X better than the PS2 could, and the major mobile games are poor imitations of AAA releases with embarrassing gacha mechanics. It can be pretty hard now to place yourself into the context of a point in history where mobile gaming was an entire medium unto itself. But I was there. I saw the rise and fall of Angry Birds, I saw that brief window of genuine critical acclaim for Monument Valley. Most of all, I was on the ground floor when a young puzzle game developer decided to dip their toes into the burgeoning market of mobile games.

Once upon a time, Popcap were masters of their chosen field. As far as browser-based, low-bar-for-entry desktop puzzle games go, entries like Peggle remain some of the best. Light entertainment is deceptively difficult to make. It's easy to set a skill floor low enough for literally anyone to start playing, but it's far harder to match it with a skill ceiling high enough to be genuinely compelling for those who want to sink their teeth further in. Popcap could consistently make these ridiculously charming and polished games that you and your grandmother could play and have equal amounts of fun with. You and I may not understand it, but Bejewelled is still being downloaded by millions of folks every year. In their prime Popcap paved the way for mass-market casual gaming as we know it today to exist.

Seeing their potential after Bejewelled 3's enormous success on mobile devices in late 2010, EA purchased Popcap. They then ordered sequels to the company's big-name IPs, included a bunch of annoying microtransactions in them, and sold out Popcap's integrity for a big old chunk of change. Popcaps's made nothing but drivel since, and the rest is history. Or so the stories go.

Look. Plants vs Zombies is a great tower defence game. It's dripping with charm, the levels are delightfully designed, and it's a perfectly sized experience with a nice smattering of side content that makes the whole meal feel fuller. It's a damn fine game. But, if you can ignore the microtransaction hell that EA hath wrought (which, despite all odds, you legitimately can), PvZ 2 is better. I feel like it's a bit of an open secret with PvZ die-hards, but as far as tower defence games go it's a consistently fun and very charming experience with an onslaught of exciting gimmicks. I like the diversity of the worlds, I like the continually increasing challenge, and I even liked that art style change! On whole it's a deeper and more diverse experience than the first game. I have little doubt in my mind that a PC port removing the microtransaction-based features of 2 would shift public perception completely over which game is better. Popcap was still ahead of the pack when it came to these kinds of games come 2013.

But it's not 2013 anymore. In the intermediary, Popcap has spent almost all of its time trying to figure out what to do with this franchise. They sandwiched surprisingly solid major-budget console shooters around a less-than-successful stab at a mobile card game (in a sort of Clash Royale vein), and while I have no doubt the coffers remained plenty stuffed, it's clear the creatives were never really clear on what they should be doing. So, they return to the golden goose. It's time to bring back Plants vs Zombies, in earnest.

This conversation happened years ago. Anyone paying attention knows this game has been to development Hell and back many times since its initial announcement. Now it's allegedly released, for realsies, and it stinks of a money grab pushed out as quickly as possible. Whatever charm was originally present, in the diversity of plants, in the personal customisation of builds, in the mission design, in the art direction, in the dialogue or the characters themselves, in the goddamn World Map! It's gone! Eviscerated in place of a Funko-ian aesthetic and the blandest soundtrack known to man. Of course, 2 was swimming in predatory practices, but the key to it was that they were genuinely optional. Whether by intent or miracle, progression was still satisfying, unlockables felt vital and exciting. 3 completely removes player customisation from the equation, and embraces the dead-on-arrival mechanic of the 'lives' system, restricting you to 5 attempts on a level if you were to lose. You probably won't, no real challenge or puzzle is present in any levels I've seen (from what I can tell about 1/4 of the game's total), but they've just included a way to segment access for kids so that the gameplay becomes more addictive to their developing brains. PvZ 2 was addictive to my little kid brain. You wanna know why? Because it was fun as hell! We've forgotten the effectiveness of that method!

No one on planet Earth should be surprised by this. PvZ 2 and the Garden Warfare games were enjoyable despite the monetary practices built around them. I was just hoping we'd get that. I only wanted to glimpse the studio that once upon a time was the bastion of its own micro-industry. We don't even get a peak. I'm not sorry that this game is bad. I'm sorry that I care. That I genuinely see the value in these games as an art form. That I know what this team was once capable of. That I expect better. But I do.

If ever there was a genuine artistry to the casual gaming experience, if ever there was integrity to those who made the games that define the early experiences of this medium for millions, I know deep down it's long gone. And that little version of me blasting through ancient Egypt on his iPad mini at the ripe old age of 10 is never quite going to be able to live with that. PvZ 3 might as well be the definitive documentation of the downfall of mobile gaming.

But the greatest injustice, the final mockery, is that it's still a little fun. The gameplay loop is fundamentally there, and sparks of the original appeal remain. In a way, that's worse. If this was truly nothing at all, I'd be happy to ignore it completely. But I can't. I know this could have been a real game, but it refuses to be. For that, it is all the more actively depressing.

I think my brain has a problem.

Everytime I think about this game or say it's name outloud I always misread the name as "Backshot Roulette" instead of it's real name. It started off as a joke one of my friends said and now it's the just the name of the game in my mind, it's gotten so bad that now most of my friend group also just call it Backshot Roulette and now I think one of my friends wants to fuck the Dealer! please send help I think me and my friend group have been infected by the woke mind virus!!!!

Oh yeah umm game really fun, love the visual aesthetic and the Dealer has the perfect blend of charming and creepy that you'd want from a game like this. Overall really solid and great all around.

The Big Con (2021) is a game with some charming 90's aesthetics and clearly had a lot of passion put into it. so,, what even is it?

(story premise spoilers ahead)

essentially, you're a teenager named Alison (goes by Ali) who plays the trombone and lives alone with her mom in a "mom-and-daught" video store. every year, Ali goes to band camp to work towards her mom's dream of her getting into a prestigious arts university. however, the eve before she leaves, she learns her mom is being extorted by a gangster of sorts for approximately $97k, and if they can't pay it off, they're completely fucked and will be bought out by a chain video store. taking it upon herself to gather the funds, she takes to the streets and quickly meets a con artist named Ted, who claims he has the solution to her money problems and becomes a mentor of sorts teaching her how to pickpocket and get extra change out of cashiers and such. they set off on a cross country journey together to pull off a Big Con (holy shit !!!! title reference !!!) and go from locale to locale stealing and grifting their way into riches.

this is where we get into the gameplay. generally speaking, you'll enter a new area and be given a blanket goal, usually in the form of some money threshold to reach. achieve it, and you can talk to your partner and move on. essentially every npc can be pickpocketed, performed by holding down a button until the oscillating arrow lands in the shrinking zone on a pop-up UI. it's a simple, timing-based minigame that scales proportionally to the amount of money on the mark, but it gets old quickly thanks to how frequently you'll need to steal shit. to the game's credit, there is an accessibility option to completely disable the pickpocket minigame, though i never used it. you walk around, talk, and eavesdrop on people to gain information that is automatically added to your journal kept in your fanny pack. it tracks your goals, as well as exploitable characteristics of people that you can use to your advantage in conversation to con people out of their money. overheard someone's anniversary date and learn that their bags are sitting unattended in the lobby of the hotel? hop on over there and use the date as the combo for the luggage! shit like that, basically.

a lot of this sounds like it could be pretty cool and as though it may have a lot of depth, but in practice, i don't really think it does. after a while, the gameplay feels pretty one-note and almost pointless. it got to the point that it felt like i was wasting my time every time i actually engaged in the core mechanics, which isn't a good sign to me. although i felt it eventually devolved into chore territory, it's still a goofy little time. conversations take place on a very 90's background and Ali frequently makes jokes about literally everything that happens. is it hit or miss? yeah! is the game extremely camp? yeah! there's a fucking option in the settings to enable a laugh track. Ali frequently hallucinates a talking bedsheet-ghost (Rad Ghost) who constantly reminds her not to do drugs and functions as a hint system of sorts. that's a silly little concept! the story is predictable, yet it's strangely comforting with how dedicated it is to pulling off the vibe of a 90's teen adventure flick. it hits so many common narrative beats of the genre. there's a little bit of minorly gay content (wahoo!), and it's extremely casual and normalized, which makes me happy.

overall, this game is pretty silly and lighthearted. it's nothing too special, but if you're looking for a silly little 90's con movie-like experience without a deep plot, this could be a good fit. maybe i woulda enjoyed it a little more if i was actually alive and conscious during the 90's, but that's just like my fucking bad i guess. oops!