Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes

Look I won't go to bat for this as some underrated gem or anything even remotely close to that - but I think the Kickstarter controversy (justifiably) clouded the fact that on its own this is honestly pretty okay. Far from a bad game let alone one of the worst ones ever conceived. It never feels much more than a basic, dollar-store MegaMan imitation but it innovates just enough to warrant at least one visit imo - its dash/enemy mechanic is very satisfying, and I think its gameplay is a proper level of challenging to keep you on your toes for a worthwhile amount of time. Though yeah, it does feel out-of-touch - obviously this wasn't even close to what was promised and its graphics (while still sound) feel PS1-era. I liked it - I understand where the hate is coming from (especially if you helped fund this thing) but if it came out in 2000-2005 it'd be considered a classic.

"Mom, can we get Skyrim?"
"No, we have Skyrim at home."
Skyrim at home:

Not for me, I can't go without mentioning the vast array of content crammed into this and all its DLCs - which could easily consume hundreds of hours without even getting to it all. And making a massively-scaled fantasy game within the world of Conan the Barbarian is a sound idea on paper. But also... no. Hard on the eyes as well as the hands - pretty violently butt-ugly graphics for 2018 and frumpish to control, you can also just use the in-game menus to cheat every trophy within 15 minutes. And then the worlds aren't even any fun to traverse if you do choose to play it legit. Can't see any way I would have a good time with this.

Not simulation-esque enough to be the Skate clone it wants to be, and not over-the-top arcadey enough to be a Tony Hawk game - so it rests in this awkward purgatory of "yeah, it exists I guess". Runs like molasses on the PS3 and is deeply, deeply ugly to look at (like most of these early seventh-generation games the color is just thoroughly sucked clean out of it and character models look like infected meat) but otherwise it's too inoffensive to be anything other than 'mediocre'. The mechanics are fine, the soundtrack is fine (MVPs "The Queen and I", "I Wanna Live", "Devotion ['92]", and "Club Foot"), it's fine. The open world never feels as entertaining, lush, or varied as Tony Hawk's American Wasteland and most of the different areas blend into the background due to their overall dullness. The random-ass difficulty spike is bizarre, and the way it implements Classic Mode in this is truly horrible. But... it plays. The spot challenges are the best new addition, providing hours of content on just a couple curbs. I don't hate it but I also see 100% why the series started to tank after this.

Top 50 Favorites: #48

The perfect Tony Hawk experience, one last beautiful swan song to a revolutionary video game series before immediately crippling in quality for over 15 years. Takes a snapshot of the mid-00s carefree punk surface without wallowing in the actual ugly filth of it - providing some of the most evocative, sumptuous levels in the entire franchise (nothing beats busting tricks on the Santa Monica pier by the seaside Ferris wheel while "What's Up Fatlip?" plays real chill in the background). Texturally almost dreamlike, wrapped up in an enchanting haze and sure the 'open world' is connected by loosely-disguised loading areas but the combos you can crank out between each of them are unreal and feel great to pull off. The progression system feels nuanced by the series' standards, the customization is rock-solid, I still think the story rules way more than it has any right to - with no shortage of lovable characters and engaging narrative beats. Then it just goes and has one of the most fucking elite, top five in ALL of gaming soundtracks ever conceived - partially comprised of covers of classic punk songs by then-current bands specifically for this game, which all surpass the originals imo; along with top-tier bangers like "Unconditional", "Like Eating Glass", "Holiday"... oh man, it snaps right to the game's world like a fucking magnet - creating this unstoppable energy that's impossible to defeat. I don't care how many dozens of times I replay this, it just never ages on me - one of the best games of the 2000s. Period.

Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes

Always preferred this to at least most of the Smash Bros. games, just feels more intuitive. There's no getting around the fact that this remains a pinnacle lesson in "How the Fuck Could You Possibly Fuck That Up??" 101 where shameless self-promotion (stupid 2013 fuckboy Dante instead of real Dante, the dude from Starhawk being in this for some reason) and confusing budget cuts (why did Sony commission so many high-scale products they had no faith in around this time?) in the place of elements for - what by all means should have been - the best fighting game ever produced. Where the fuck is Crash Bandicoot? Why does this feel so cheap and slapdash in presentation considering it handles a ton of Sony's ultimate cash-cow mascots? And oh Lord those idiotic png cutscenes still haunt my very nightmares to this day. But with that all out of the way, if you forget what this could have been then this is a damn good fighter with a fleshed-out control scheme and interesting in-fight level system that breeds fierce competition. Though the maps are the true standout here - it's been ten years (fuck I'm old) but the way levels based on one game series get invaded by elements from another game series never, ever gets old. It's a concept that really should have been copied by every franchise-fighter after this imo and absolutely should not only be stuck in this. Missed opportunity and undeniably a hot mess but still plays great even (perhaps especially) today.

When you're in a "Make One of the Least Fun, Most Chintzy Games Ever" contest and your opponent is Robomodo: 😱😱😱. Obviously this sucks, the thing barely runs at any given moment and has objective design so painfully mundane and unvaried that it would make even Ubisoft quake in their boots. The 'content' is super padded and paltry, and the last-gen versions are just... missing 35-40% of it as it is lmfao. But like any other Hawk game the soundtrack has some serious gems ("A Little Death to Laugh" - Cold Cave, "I'm Not Part of Me" - Cloud Nothings, "Fake P" - Rorschach, "Cynics and Critics" - Icon for Hire, "Southsiders" - Atmosphere are some of many standouts). Is that the only thing keeping it from being one of the worst things I've ever played? Most likely, yes - it's easy to be lulled out of complete boredom while "Stars and Stripes" by Anti-Flag is playing. But even at this thing's worst I just find it monotonous, and too pathetic to give any real anger to. While never good, when it is playable it's pretty shockingly close to being competent. No less functional now than a lot of the Triple A games that release unfinished and get giant patches later on, anyway. Still very bad and even more ugly.

Top 50 Favorites: #22

Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes

Unfairly (but somewhat understandably) reviled, I get that everyone hated this because "oh no there isn't trash floating in the breeze" but it still looks fantastic these days even in its downgraded state - as someone from the Chicagoland area the fake Chicago in this remains not only a worthy reimagination but one of the finest, most living and breathing, fleshed-out open worlds I've ever played (everything to the random NPC encounters to the real sense of diversity in the different areas to the lovely fake Bean which I haven't stopped thinking about in the 2+ years since I played this just feels so crisp and lived-in). Elephant in the room - yes the story absolutely crashes and burns on or around the halfway point, and Aiden Pearce never emotes right when it feels like he's supposed to. But in terms of its gameplay the thing is a significant thirst-quencher, not sure what everyone expected but this is pretty much as-advertised for a 2014 tech-fetish GTA clone - sneaky hack combat is insanely fun but does get repetitive near the end like everything else here, I really like how vulnerable you are once your cover is blown from it. I even spent hours on the little phone games and street minigames, man - what a blast and half. Also helps that the soundtrack features some of the best songs ever recorded ("Private Eye" - Alkaline Trio, "Sparklers" - Gemini Club, "Day 'n' Nite" - Kid Cuidi) and a stellar collection of artists including Alice Cooper, Nas, Iggy Pop, 2 Chainz, Deadmau5, Wu-Tang Clan... come on man, it rules. It's got its warts (driving for instance feels unfinished) but sits incredibly well - an atmospheric force - something deep within it just demands interactivity for me. So, so incomparably better than its sequel, even if both games have a real "We live in a society" problem.

I have no problem being the guy who feels like this is a major downgrade from the first Watch_Dogs - in an effort to recover from that one's backlash they totally stripped this down and sterilized the unique elements that did work to appeal to the status quo, and so we're left with "Baby's First GTA" with cringe dialogue and hateable characters where you mindlessly hop between filler missions for a story that somehow checks out even sooner than the first game's. Great job guys, you really showed Ubisoft for doing what hundreds of games already did around this time (which is admittedly still dubious, but I have no clue what makes this game different considering it just feels like a lesser asset flip of its predecessor). Where are the city minigames? Where are the digital trips? Where are the AR games? Where are the actual fun supplemental materials the first one was so keen on providing? Now instead of a richly-textured Chicago we have yet another bland coastal San-Fran with nothing to do within it. It's all so superficial, combat seems more complex on the surface but feels more unexciting to actually perform - the shock of the new the first one had is completely absent here. There are lots of neat surface tics to distract you from the fact that this is less of a game, plain and simple. It isn't necessarily bad, it's just the baseline 'fine' version of itself which of course people ate up because it looked nice or something. If there's anything done better here it was removing that dumb moral system the first game had for no real reason.

Games I Dislike That Everybody Else Likes

The weakest of the four Sly games, in my opinion. Bar-none. Every new addition feels superficially cool but airless to execute - I'm sorry but I found all of the pirate stuff (ship battles, treasure maps, the missions in the level itself) to be grueling. The removal of the clue bottle collectibles - one of my favorite elements from the others - also hasn't gone unnoticed here, nor has the regressed mission structure. Plus the levels, apart from Venice and the airstrip place, just aren't as good. Feels like a rushed, less charming reskin of 2 at best and a serious bore at worst. Plus there's those truly abysmal boss fights. Tiring to even write about, what is there left to say?

Resident Evil 0kay. The most attractive looking pre-rendered-era RE peddles a story that just doesn't do enough with its setting or namesake. I think this has since rightfully been regarded as sort of a Resident Evil-lite, more like an expansion pack of the original rather than its own deal and in that sense it works a little better. There's still worthwhile things offered here, the train section is as awesome as reported - and again the visuals are a knockout, the lighter puzzle with the animals is one of the best in the series, plus the partner system here really works as smooth as butter (no idea how they downgraded so goddamn bad in Resident Evil 5). I'll even defend the insanely cockamamie, much-reviled inventory managing to an extent as sort of a puzzle within itself; but it's laid on a little thick here - especially with that dumbass hookshot you always have to carry around with you which of course eats up two of your already limited inventory slots and it's never actually clear you have to use it past a certain point let alone as much as you actually do. Still, I wouldn't mind that quite as much if everything else didn't feel so tacked-on and formulaic.

Strong candidate for the most hideous-looking video game ever created. Gameplay isn't even worth discussing, bears less of a resemblance towards flash games or early 2010s iPod Touch shovelware as it does with one of those bad bootleg Genesis cartridges like CrazyBus. Yes instantly having its terrible music blare in your face loudly upon simply opening it up without the immediate option to fix it sucks but the level design is downright illegible - next to impossible to distinguish what is and isn't interactive. Plus it's just ass ugly, I particularly loathe the characters who all look like some sort of virus boil - along with the addition of arguable random casual racism in the unlockable sticker section... k then.

Top 50 Favorites: #44 (Enhanced Edition)

Careful, confident horror about the incomprehensible and the lengths your mind will go to fill in the gaps. Far from perfect, even at its strongest still feels like a low-carb Silent Hill 2 - but I just can't help but admire how bold horror games were around this time. Stuff like this, Cry of Fear, Slender: The Arrival, hell even the first Five Nights at Freddy's were majorly innovating for a good solid 3 or 4 years straight - it's easy to laugh at now but there's something to be said about the effective simplicity of creating a horror video game for practically the express purpose of holding a place in the collective conscience simply for scaring your favorite YouTuber. I was never that into "Let's Plays" but there's an almost warm comfortability of a horror game that takes itself seriously but not too seriously (unlike, say, The Last of Us); one that is interested in crafting a good, tight, accessible lore without wanting to spin it into a disparate web of pointlessly convoluted bullshit for the sake of seeming deep on internet comment sections (Hello Neighbor and most of the FNaF sequels); and one that sets out to create good scares and a memorable atmosphere over being a cynical flash-in-the-pan meme to sell merch (Poppy's Playtime, Baldi's Basics). It's crazy to look back on how this era really future-proofed itself by doing what everyone at the time swore would make them dated - wills itself to life by going back to basics and asking how they can be done really, really well. Is way more concerned with leaving its own self-assured stamp instead of worrying about sterilizing itself so it won't have a single blemish and it's all the better for it. Filled with character.

I mean... at least it's better than the movie? Surprisingly, never actually terrible - just super timid. Reskinned mission on top of reskinned mission on top of reskinned mission on top of... yeah. Actually has some pretty okay space-shooter sections though. Plus I have to appreciate a game that goes from basic platformer section to flying to (honestly pretty sick) playable dodgeball match to crappy chase sequence to baseball rhythm game to driving to 'shmup to alien mech fighter to slide level to truly abysmal cannon shooter to more platforming. The minigames are fun to laugh at with friends.

Acceptable iPod fodder that is pretty much chiefly reserved for waiting rooms or when you have like 2 or 3 minutes before you have to go do something but don't have anything else of substance to really kill time with so you put it on for a few drops then proceed to forget about it for another three or four months. I dumped countless hours into this in middle school, easily 100/200+ - playing it now I couldn't bring myself to go more than five minutes max before getting bored lol. But it ain't bad, it's just been replaced with something better. Close to being obsolete but not quite there yet.