Chromentur
BACKER
1999
Games I Dislike That Everybody Else Likes
Look, this works - but not only are these not really my forte to begin with, but unless you have some nostalgic attachment there's no real reason to go back to this one when there's like 40 million others that have followed and improved upon it (Madden NFL 11 will most likely forever remain my favorite anyway). It's mildly diverting for about 20 minutes until it becomes vapid, playing this with friends is almost absolutely necessary in really wringing the best possible enjoyment out of it. But did the menus really have to be so needlessly complicated? What was wrong with the ease of access from the previous games? Plus - for some God-forsaken reason - the way the 'tutorial' plays out is really stupid, in a game with such a steep learning curve that seems like a crucial miss. The big, blocky football players are funny though - even if I still think the visuals from the previous games aged much more gracefully. But points go to a pretty awesome intro sequence with some gnarly sacks played out to an original Ludacris song about football or something (lmao) and a sweet digitized-sports-graph backdrop - that was cool. Better than all that came before it, but these old sports sims just rarely ever age that well - even in spite of how fun this can be with multiple people. Arcade mode is the way to play, even with the added cringe commentary.
Look, this works - but not only are these not really my forte to begin with, but unless you have some nostalgic attachment there's no real reason to go back to this one when there's like 40 million others that have followed and improved upon it (Madden NFL 11 will most likely forever remain my favorite anyway). It's mildly diverting for about 20 minutes until it becomes vapid, playing this with friends is almost absolutely necessary in really wringing the best possible enjoyment out of it. But did the menus really have to be so needlessly complicated? What was wrong with the ease of access from the previous games? Plus - for some God-forsaken reason - the way the 'tutorial' plays out is really stupid, in a game with such a steep learning curve that seems like a crucial miss. The big, blocky football players are funny though - even if I still think the visuals from the previous games aged much more gracefully. But points go to a pretty awesome intro sequence with some gnarly sacks played out to an original Ludacris song about football or something (lmao) and a sweet digitized-sports-graph backdrop - that was cool. Better than all that came before it, but these old sports sims just rarely ever age that well - even in spite of how fun this can be with multiple people. Arcade mode is the way to play, even with the added cringe commentary.
A notably good arcadey point-hoarder. Very much bursting with colorful, non-Western weirdness a la something like the Katamari series - and unlike others I'll actually defend the shorter length because it really breeds the want to perfect these stages to your best ability, often when there's too many levels for these sorts of games after a point it just becomes fatiguing imo. However I won't defend the stiff and sometimes half-responsive controls, are they a part of the difficulty factor? Who knows, but while they're serviceable they really aren't the best and sorely hold back what sp easily could be an all-timer. I also love that you can customize the number on your domino's back, small features like that really win me over. Fun and creative.
More 'fun' to play than - say - Cyberpunk 2077, but somehow more of a splintered mess that barely runs correctly. I never got the appeal of these types of misogynistic, crass, painfully unfunny dudebro sex-capades whether it be movies, shows, or video games and this one is no different. I'd estimate that maybe one out of every fifteen or twenty jokes actually even come close to landing, and it features one of the absolute most abysmal combat systems of the 2000s. There's constant framerate blackouts and hitbox problems, and most of the missions are your usual brainless fetch quests or remedial tasks like loading crates as slow as humanly possible. Though I confess that there is a certain slimy appeal to its randomly stacked voice cast which includes the likes of Peter Graves, Artie Lange, Jane Lynch, Patrick Warburton, etc. And I have to admit that I think it has a really crisp, cartoony color palette that would look great on an actual good game unlike this one. But also how was this ever allowed to be released in this state?
2020
"Art's Dream" is about as imaginative and emotionally harmonic as any other Media Molecule product but - like others - I feel that chaining this down strictly to PS4 ultimately killed its creative potential. These days it's pretty much just a minigame machine that's fine for maybe 20 or so minutes until you realize that they don't even rival flash games or phone apps at the end of the day. This has all the features to be so much more but it seems to have been given up on by its own playerbase, so playing it now I'm not sure what I should be getting out of this that I can't get out of LBP3's way more interesting community levels/create mode. A shame and a huge letdown coming from one of my favorite game companies, but there's still some sort of a spark here waiting to be let out.
2008
Top 50 Favorites: #23
Bring back puzzle-platformers as major tentpole releases! A fantastic, fun-loving, seriously charismatic game just bursting at the seams with vibrancy and inventiveness. The type of experience that just leaves a big, fat grin slapped across your face the entire time - granted some of its strict completionist elements (wtf is up with the awful level replay system as it relates to collectibles resetting?) can be frustrating, but as someone obsessed with those sorts of elements I didn't mind much (especially when the control system is this satisfying). The way the music interacts with how you're playing? Chef's kiss. The adorable fake language the characters speak? Chef's kiss. The gorgeous, gorgeous color palette? Chef's kiss. The wonderful and always-evolving level designs that reward exploration to the highest degree? Well, you already know what I'm going to say. Even the story here is really cute and funny, just a great time all around.
Bring back puzzle-platformers as major tentpole releases! A fantastic, fun-loving, seriously charismatic game just bursting at the seams with vibrancy and inventiveness. The type of experience that just leaves a big, fat grin slapped across your face the entire time - granted some of its strict completionist elements (wtf is up with the awful level replay system as it relates to collectibles resetting?) can be frustrating, but as someone obsessed with those sorts of elements I didn't mind much (especially when the control system is this satisfying). The way the music interacts with how you're playing? Chef's kiss. The adorable fake language the characters speak? Chef's kiss. The gorgeous, gorgeous color palette? Chef's kiss. The wonderful and always-evolving level designs that reward exploration to the highest degree? Well, you already know what I'm going to say. Even the story here is really cute and funny, just a great time all around.
Games I Dislike That Everybody Else Likes
I'm sorry everyone, I tried - I really tried with this one, but this was maybe the single most miserable gaming experience I've ever had. The only positive I can say is that there's no shortage of content; between the base game and its 4 DLCs it will keep you occupied for a good while. Not that it's good content, but hey it's something I guess. Otherwise I think this is one of the worst things ever put out by a Triple A studio. It's got that godawful early-seventh-generation level design where it's just these gross, turd-colored environments that are claustrophobic, vacant, and not at all fun to explore - there are a ton of 'worlds' here but they all look and feel mostly the exact same. The characters are all insufferable as they spout the same embarrassing 'le epic lulz bacon gamerbro' humor which is actually so deeply unfunny that it fucking hurts (speaking as someone who loves juvenile/immature humor). But mostly I think the issue is that the general gameplay is totally braindead and one-note, it's what I would call 'fake difficult' - by that I mean that it doesn't actually challenge you as a combatant in a game that sells itself on its supposed challenging combat. Not that it's unfair or too easy per se, but the way in which it approaches a battle is super dated and childish - just piling enemy on top of enemy with zero strategy whatsoever so each fight feels identical, just move around and mash the trigger for every. Single. Goddamn. Fight. It's beyond vapid. Not to mention its looting/rarity system is pretty bad and doesn't really at all fit with the rest of the game. To say I hated it would be an understatement - the shitty, repetitive music has been burned painfully into my brain even over a year after 100%-ing it and all its DLC (which, sidenote, I actually vastly prefer to the main game even though I still think they all suck). So bad that it unironically felt like I died and was watching my own corpse play it out-of-body.
I'm sorry everyone, I tried - I really tried with this one, but this was maybe the single most miserable gaming experience I've ever had. The only positive I can say is that there's no shortage of content; between the base game and its 4 DLCs it will keep you occupied for a good while. Not that it's good content, but hey it's something I guess. Otherwise I think this is one of the worst things ever put out by a Triple A studio. It's got that godawful early-seventh-generation level design where it's just these gross, turd-colored environments that are claustrophobic, vacant, and not at all fun to explore - there are a ton of 'worlds' here but they all look and feel mostly the exact same. The characters are all insufferable as they spout the same embarrassing 'le epic lulz bacon gamerbro' humor which is actually so deeply unfunny that it fucking hurts (speaking as someone who loves juvenile/immature humor). But mostly I think the issue is that the general gameplay is totally braindead and one-note, it's what I would call 'fake difficult' - by that I mean that it doesn't actually challenge you as a combatant in a game that sells itself on its supposed challenging combat. Not that it's unfair or too easy per se, but the way in which it approaches a battle is super dated and childish - just piling enemy on top of enemy with zero strategy whatsoever so each fight feels identical, just move around and mash the trigger for every. Single. Goddamn. Fight. It's beyond vapid. Not to mention its looting/rarity system is pretty bad and doesn't really at all fit with the rest of the game. To say I hated it would be an understatement - the shitty, repetitive music has been burned painfully into my brain even over a year after 100%-ing it and all its DLC (which, sidenote, I actually vastly prefer to the main game even though I still think they all suck). So bad that it unironically felt like I died and was watching my own corpse play it out-of-body.
1994
Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes
And the "Protagonist Who Needs to Shut the Fuck Up" Award goes to... But I digress, even in spite of its occasional faults you can consider me charmed. A nifty, cute little side-scroller with snappy controls and a very fair challenge (mostly) - the climb-on-walls mechanic in particular is inventive, responsive (again... mostly), and incredibly satisfying to use. Granted you've still got the occasional wonky hit box, bullshit death, and a pretty crummy first boss, and I still think the 3DO port is superior - I mean what the fuck is up with the terrible password system in this version? Saving is totally non-existent, and when you do get a password it doesn't actually even retain all of your hard-earned progress up to that point. Plus the comedy runs at about a 1:9 funny-to-not-funny ratio and there's no way to exit a level from the menu. Still, this is really fun to play and is well designed overall - definitely better than your Bubsies, for instance. My hands were sweating during that final boss, the special stages are capital T terrible though.
And the "Protagonist Who Needs to Shut the Fuck Up" Award goes to... But I digress, even in spite of its occasional faults you can consider me charmed. A nifty, cute little side-scroller with snappy controls and a very fair challenge (mostly) - the climb-on-walls mechanic in particular is inventive, responsive (again... mostly), and incredibly satisfying to use. Granted you've still got the occasional wonky hit box, bullshit death, and a pretty crummy first boss, and I still think the 3DO port is superior - I mean what the fuck is up with the terrible password system in this version? Saving is totally non-existent, and when you do get a password it doesn't actually even retain all of your hard-earned progress up to that point. Plus the comedy runs at about a 1:9 funny-to-not-funny ratio and there's no way to exit a level from the menu. Still, this is really fun to play and is well designed overall - definitely better than your Bubsies, for instance. My hands were sweating during that final boss, the special stages are capital T terrible though.
2003
Games I Like That Everybody Else Dislikes
A deeply stupid spectacle that I have an unbreakable love for. Forget for a moment that it has Dante's best character design ever, forget that it has an atmospherically trippy story reminiscent of when you're at that perfect level of high and you start imagining super creative but nonsensical scenarios in your head (I particularly love the way in which in depicts how the corporate world still has a grip on the demon world), and forget that its wide array of enemy/boss styles are absurdly badass (magma bats, fleshy tanks/choppers, dapper suit-clad buissnessman with a revolver, a skyscraper that literally comes to life, and the penultimate boss is a chaotic blob of all the previous bosses) - even without all that it's still a blast. The broken 'square-button-mash-hell' combo system is really fun to manipulate to its limits, and even the big barren environments work imo - there's an eerie sense of isolation while being in such vast cities that are totally unpopulated. The true Achilles heel for me - making this feel its most unplayable - is its obtuse lock-on system which is by far one of the most inconvenient in all of gaming. But even still, I wish the other games acknowledged this one more. Is it the weakest DMC? Sure, but it still absolutely has its own, supremely dopey place in a series known for its madcap elements which don't at all feel out of place here. People who say this is one of the worst games ever made need to play more games.
A deeply stupid spectacle that I have an unbreakable love for. Forget for a moment that it has Dante's best character design ever, forget that it has an atmospherically trippy story reminiscent of when you're at that perfect level of high and you start imagining super creative but nonsensical scenarios in your head (I particularly love the way in which in depicts how the corporate world still has a grip on the demon world), and forget that its wide array of enemy/boss styles are absurdly badass (magma bats, fleshy tanks/choppers, dapper suit-clad buissnessman with a revolver, a skyscraper that literally comes to life, and the penultimate boss is a chaotic blob of all the previous bosses) - even without all that it's still a blast. The broken 'square-button-mash-hell' combo system is really fun to manipulate to its limits, and even the big barren environments work imo - there's an eerie sense of isolation while being in such vast cities that are totally unpopulated. The true Achilles heel for me - making this feel its most unplayable - is its obtuse lock-on system which is by far one of the most inconvenient in all of gaming. But even still, I wish the other games acknowledged this one more. Is it the weakest DMC? Sure, but it still absolutely has its own, supremely dopey place in a series known for its madcap elements which don't at all feel out of place here. People who say this is one of the worst games ever made need to play more games.
A game I admire more than I like, but nonetheless is still a pretty cute experience. The representation wills this thing to life imo, it's fantastic and very in-depth whereas the gameplay feels a bit dated and one-note - though never bad, I don't think. I prefer the Foxtales DLC to the base game but both have a pretty neat spirit system that adds a little bit of ingenuity to a simple flash-game-esque final product. But all that being said I absolutely love the little fox and would defend him with my life.
2014
Games I Dislike That Everybody Else Likes
Woeful, a prime example of the seventh generation's knack for mediocrity. Here we have yet another video game world from this era that's butt-ugly and color-coded like puke. Nothing much is really that terrible here but I honestly didn't care about any of it - especially when its linear progression is played out in the most boring manner possible with a story that's impossible to be invested in (we were really obsessed with empty, cheap 'doom and gloom' storytelling at this time for some reason, and it really doesn't work here imo). There's some inventiveness in the weapon/currency system but not enough to justify spending an entire slog of a game with it, one with horrendous characters abound, no less. And the whole moral point system is stupidly cryptic. I liked the trippy stuff though, I guess. Really glad we moved past this kind of game design. Entirely generic.
Woeful, a prime example of the seventh generation's knack for mediocrity. Here we have yet another video game world from this era that's butt-ugly and color-coded like puke. Nothing much is really that terrible here but I honestly didn't care about any of it - especially when its linear progression is played out in the most boring manner possible with a story that's impossible to be invested in (we were really obsessed with empty, cheap 'doom and gloom' storytelling at this time for some reason, and it really doesn't work here imo). There's some inventiveness in the weapon/currency system but not enough to justify spending an entire slog of a game with it, one with horrendous characters abound, no less. And the whole moral point system is stupidly cryptic. I liked the trippy stuff though, I guess. Really glad we moved past this kind of game design. Entirely generic.
You know, I gotta admit that sometimes I miss the simple, unique appeal of the types of games clearly made for YouTubers to play during the "Let's Play" era for free marketing (see also: I Am Bread, Goat Simulator, Turbo Dismount, Max Gentlemen, Surgeon Simulator, etc). Then I remember they used to charge upwards of $20 for most of them despite only offering a handful of hours' worth of content and I'm like 😬😬😬 Like most of these weird-for-the-sake-of-being-weird games it's pretty much just the one trick/joke, though fortunately here that's a pretty good one - allowing you to absolutely let loose as a suit-clad octopus in highly destructible, colorful, and interactive environments with intentionally ass controls. Also like the lot of these it feels like it rushes itself out the door and it's way too short, but a fun time for a few bucks.
2016
Unpopular take but I vastly prefer Limbo to this. Not to say this is a bad experience by any means but it appends some pretty tired, one-note themes about control which severely undercut the mystery and intrigue that made the former game so memorable. Not to mention they don't really go anywhere productive with them to begin with, it mostly just feels purposefully hollow and unfulfilling for the sake of being Profoundâ„¢ which sucks. But hey at least it looks pretty - not as pretty as LIMBO... again... but still, it's something. It's a fine little one-off worth a buck or two if you need a few hours to kill, though it becomes seriously cumbersome even without being minimized in the shadow of its far superior predecessor.
2003
A bonafide classic - not only a quintessential encapsulation of Nintendo's GameCube-era magic, but just one hell of a charmer on its own. I feel this is underappreciated even by its supporters imo, the camera/level layout is incredibly unique and the combat is swift and satisfying - not to mention Charles Martinet's brilliant voice acting as Wario is always on full display here. If I have only one gripe it's that it could probably use a world or two more as it does run just a bit on the short side, but otherwise a tremendous 3D platform collect-a-thon.
2021
Simple and effective, the day-long waiting period helps to mitigate burnout. All it needs to be - noticed absolutely zero dip in quality after the Times got involved despite everyone's warnings.
2020
The fact that I predicted this would be a disappointing trainwreck before it even came out once they started delaying it by, like 6 days in a clear mad dash to rush it out before the quarter deadline was up is still one of my proudest achievements in gaming tbh. Yet, the reason this game sucks has virtually nothing to do with the glitches at all. Sure it's annoying when your mission softlocks, combat just straight-up doesn't work, or your screen irreparably gets layered in unsightly visual hiccups - but tons of games that come out these days are broken, buggy messes on launch that just get patched later on so it's nothing you haven't seen before. No, the reason taking two months to 100% this hog was one of the most soul-crushing experiences of my life is honestly because of how deliberately un-fun this all is. The missions are laborious to pad out length, the side content is repetitive, the much-hyped free DLC is paltry, the overworld is bland as can be, the menus are unreadable when they even operate to begin with, the choices don't matter, and even after all the supposed quality-of-life updates it's still a barely functioning mess.
But the story is its biggest sore spot, I think - because in fits and starts there is a ton of potential here. This is CDPR after all, so there are rock-solid characters (Judy Alvarez, Takemura, and Keanu's charisma-machine Johnny Silverhand are standouts) and moments of poignancy which I was just craving to be in a better game because it's all promptly undercut by the butt-ugly modernization of it. This was originally intended as something darker and more intriguing, but ended up being another drab GTA clone instead. Serious Dead Island storytelling going on here too which I hate - i.e. "do this thing to have x happen, uh oh... x didn't happen after all so that mission was totally worthless. Well here, do this and maybe y will happen, uh oh... y didn't happen after all so that mission was totally worthless. Well here, do..." rinse and repeat. So you never actually believe this already thin story is going anywhere. Plus every ending is a total dud. Just miserable even if it did play correctly, which it doesn't.
But the story is its biggest sore spot, I think - because in fits and starts there is a ton of potential here. This is CDPR after all, so there are rock-solid characters (Judy Alvarez, Takemura, and Keanu's charisma-machine Johnny Silverhand are standouts) and moments of poignancy which I was just craving to be in a better game because it's all promptly undercut by the butt-ugly modernization of it. This was originally intended as something darker and more intriguing, but ended up being another drab GTA clone instead. Serious Dead Island storytelling going on here too which I hate - i.e. "do this thing to have x happen, uh oh... x didn't happen after all so that mission was totally worthless. Well here, do this and maybe y will happen, uh oh... y didn't happen after all so that mission was totally worthless. Well here, do..." rinse and repeat. So you never actually believe this already thin story is going anywhere. Plus every ending is a total dud. Just miserable even if it did play correctly, which it doesn't.