The fucking whiplash I experienced upon playing this supposed "classic" with an average rating of 3.5/5 on this supposed "website of people who know more than average about games" only to experience almost definitely the worst sixth generation AAA game I have ever touched should be enough to qualify me for a lawsuit of personal damages. I entered this game straight out of S3&K and SCD, really enjoying my time and not knowing much about this title other than the fact that it was a game people genuinely play and recommend, and a slight knowledge of Sonic having an "awkward transition to 3D". Sure, that's one way to say it.

Now, for fairness, and for my integrity as a "person who somewhat unironically writes game reviews on a game review site", I will now soberly rate each separate campaign individually using an independently verified rating system that objectively quantifies the qualities of this piece of media.

Sonic: ★☆☆☆☆
Tails: ★☆☆☆☆
Knuckles: ★☆☆☆☆
Amy: ★☆☆☆☆
Big: ★☆☆☆☆
Gamma: ★☆☆☆☆
Super SONIC!!: ★★★★★ HOLY SHIT THAT'S EPI-

Just kidding. I can't even joke about ironically liking any part of this. It's all dogshit. It's pure shit man. The music, graphics, and the fact that I can drown Sonic the Hedgehog when it all becomes too much to bear are the only reasons I am even awarding this stars at all. It's just so shit. This game is embarrassing. Sega should have been embarrassed to sell this for real money. Sonic fans should be embarrassed that it exists. If you've ever spoken about this game and not immediately clarified the fact that, by the way, it's shit, you should be personally and privately embarrassed. If I worked on this game, I wouldn't put it on my resumé. I'd ask to not be credited. It controls like ass, the story is utterly pointless, the hubs, the levels, the design - all shit. Somehow, despite the Dreamcast having what we in the bizz (I am not in the bizz) like to call "good grafix" - it kinda looks like shit too. Animations in this game feel like they were made by people who had absolutely no control over their software.

There's literally no game. Lord help me, they forgot what a game was. Sonic The Fucking Hedgehog, Gaming Mascot, has a campaign that is mostly focused on wrangling control back from the demon that will inhabit your controller the moment you launch Sonic Adventure. Tails' campaign is literally about skipping the levels. Knuckles bravely asks the question - "what if Super Mario 64 stars were nothing at all?". What does Amy Rose bring to the table? Oh she's... slow and has no powers. Genius. Even the Sacred Fishing Minigame, a constant in all our lives as a safe space to at least chill in any videogame that has one, is just so, so bad. Gamma's entire campaign is just holding forward and spamming shoot. I'm mad about it. I smile, but I'm mad.

I've played at least 6 more coherent flash games made by teenagers on Newgrounds. "That's not very constructive criticism" - this game is not very constructive to gaming as a whole. Every time I want to convince some boomer that video games can exist as an art form, I have to now add the asterisk that Sonic Adventure also exists. Fuck you, Sonic the Hedgehog, and fuck you, Knuckles the Echidna, and fuck all the rest of those little technicolor creatures too

There's no excuse. In 1998 when this came out Crash was on its second sequel. Mario 64 had been on the shelves for two years. Spyro was out. People were playing Half-Life and Fallout 2. Sega, with their size and budget, should not be putting out this garbage. It's honestly astonishing that the series survived this, but to its credit at least the Dreamcast didn't. If my parents got me this instead of a PlayStation I would assume they hated my ass and ran away from home. "Yes okay it's shit but the music is good" - the rallying cry of Sonic fans across the globe. I do not care. Buy a CD. Buy a Sonic CD, or buy Sonic CD. Sonic Adventure 2 will save me. It has to. Save me Sonic Adventure 2

If you, yes you reading this, the person, rate this game to be above average, do me a favor and kill us both.

"Sonic adventure is a testament on why sometimes giving up is better than trying" - my friend, my beloved brother, Wikwi, on the status of Sonic Adventure as a videogame

Demon's Souls feels like it is both a more polished yet more primitive incubating egg of Dark Souls. It's worse in some ways, better in others.

Every level in Demon's Souls is some kind of environment puzzle, and everything that isn't that environment and world is basically superfluous and often feels like it was tacked on as random systems that an RPG is "supposed to have". I want to menu less. I want to think about stats less. "Erm.. acshually you can beat any souls game with any build🤓 ☝️" yes yes ok but they are so very clearly built into the game with the intention of interacting with them, and that is still my biggest complaint about these games - interacting with them isn't fun. It's really a minor complaint in the grand scheme of things, but a complaint nonetheless. Also if you ever speak to me like that again we're through, capische? over

Maybe it's because I played them back to back but I really just can't help but compare them. Demon's Souls feels like a cross between an art experiment and a western RPG and Dark Souls feels like it was supposed to be the "real Demon's Souls", but in the process something was lost (not just because they ran out of time and money mind you). It's a weird one. I'd say DeS does better on gameplay by being less focused on combat, but I guess some people might disagree with that and prefer more combat focused bosses. I'd also say Dark Souls environments and atmospheres generally are better, but at the same time World 3-2 here is one of the sickest environments I've ever seen in a 3D game. There's something inherently charming about this that didn't really tickle my brain in the successor.

Maybe I'm just going insane from playing through all of Demon's Souls in 2 days. Who knows. I'm looking at those yummy maiden toes with lust in my eyes. When she sits on the staircase and swings her legs I want to raise a child with her. I imagine our life together. What?

I'm giving insane credit for giving you two swords named Demon and Soul. That's fucking cinema baby

Many are saying Dark Souls is very hard of the videogames variety. Many are saying "prepare to die!", including the devs. I'll die a lot! I don't know what that means. I don't understand why that's always the first thing anyone says about "DarkSouls: Prepare to Die Edition".

There's a fine balance to strike somewhere between random obtuseness, long walks along the beach of jank, and keeping the sense of accomplishment. Personally I think this is way too far on the bullshit scale. I don't think my experience would be any less rewarding by having a spawn point 20 seconds near a boss instead of 2 minutes. I don't think I would have beaten this game if I didn't refer to my Council of 6-7 Friends Who Have Played Dark Souls Many Times (we all have them) - not for any lack of mechanical skill, but just because the amount of random bullshit systems and non-recorded directions are enough to fry the brain of anyone trying to go in truly blind, which is what I did the first two times I tried to get into this nearly a decade ago. Partially that's by design - I feel like much of this game is meant to run on word of mouth and playground rumors, which, yknow, is cool, but it also means once that word of mouth dies out (and the devs turn off online lol) it feels insurmountable to process with only 1 brain.

My least favorite bits were menuing through 8 layers of PS3 UI to understand shit, shuffling through weapons to spend extra time trying to avoid spending other more extra time going through 7 caves of enemies I've already killed to get to the same boss again. I didn't like that. Interacting with any part of the inventory, be it items or equipment, feels extremely unpolished. It's like it was one guy coming up with one idea for a menu and them just implementing it without ever trying it out. I don't get that. I still feel like I barely understand half the stats or equipment systems. "You need to get some soft humanity bro" - actual sentence uttered by a Dark Souls Player, who expected other human beings to understand. Imagine my bewildered face when I press the Kindle button and some asshole dares tell me I don't "have the Rite of Kindling" - why the hell that button there then! Who made this! What the hell is "poise"!?

My favorite bits (aka the bits that are good, and if you disagree you are stupid) were the one that encouraged exploring, interacting with the world and feeling like an adventurer. Seeing vistas for the first time, connecting paths in your brain via shortcuts and understanding mechanics unique to each area. That's what was really good. I played this almost in spite of the core gameplay. To me they should make Dark Souls Prepare To Look Around edition! Just kidding. Ehe. (｡･ ω<)ゞ

There's also like entire areas that feel just kinda... uh.. like a bit cancerous... like.. unfinished cancer tumor... in my brain. At one point I one-tried 3 bosses in a span of 20 minutes just kinda running through an area that looked like a GM in an MMO had spawned monsters as a prank - specifically 50 dragon asses standing around in a lake. I didn't really like that. I can't really say I hated it, because I was in and out of the whole area in less than an hour, but it definitely wasn't a "good videogame" moment.

The first thing people should tell you about this game is that it's beautiful and pretty, and that it has cool bosses. Not how hard it is or how you should only be allowed to beat it naked with big club or it wasn't real. That's my hot take of the day.

when I'm in a mediocre mystery game competition and my opponent is spike chudsoft

I don't know about this. I kinda like the plot, generally, and it's impressive that they managed to tie it all together, but it's also like... insanely immature? Tonally stupid?

The many overarching paths means several pieces of information you will simply read like 3 times. Luckily there's a skip button, but once you discover it it's hard to not use it constantly to skip the awkward facial animations and filler dialogue that takes forever to appear, and just use the log to read it instead. I'm usually a cutscene enjoyer, but maybe the fact that I expected like a modicum of any sort of gameplay (beyond 3 QTE sequences and trial-and-error-point-and-click puzzles with barely any logic behind them) when starting this cracked my patience, or maybe this game really does just keep yapping, or maybe watching too many Youtube Shorts finally fried my brain. I'll leave that up to the reader's imagination.

Nevermind the dance number at the end, every action scene being centered on a porn mag kinda really took me out of it. Not that I dislike heheh booby comedy, but it didn't really feel like they handled it well. It's weird. Also despite playing the game in Japanese the final dance number is completely in English, which only made it feel even more out of place - I'm not like allergic to English or anything, I swear, but it's suddenly completely different voice actors. Plus a character whose life was completely ruined is just uh, yknow, dancing. Just really weird. Odd game. I won't play the sequel. I wouldn't do that even if I liked it because everyone apparently hates that, but now you know. If you even care about me...

>makes cool movement tech
>slaps it in licensed garbage
>changes all the designs to look like legally distinct versions of the famous actors
>makes it a "co-op game"
>makes it "uncooperative"
>crashes on startup and tells me my ram is single channel
i'm not playing any more of that garbage man

"Hey man, I'm trying to figure out what Sonic Games I should actually play" - me
"Dude.. you gotta play Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine!" - literally none of my friends
"What's that?"
"It's Puyo Puyo"

I go to the store and look at Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine. "It's Puyo Puyo" says the advertisement. I flip the box over. It's Puyo Puyo. I tear the cover off. It's Puyo Puyo on that cartridge alright. My friend stops me at the door "What's that you got there?". It's Puyo Puyo.

I've played this game. It's Puyo Puyo.

In 2014, not knowing anything the Resident Evil series in general being primarily a European PC boy brought up on Counter Strike and World of Warcraft, I bought this game on a whim (probably on sale) and played it for an hour. Then proceeded to not touch RE for 8 years and was skeptical to touch it even when I started getting into singleplayer games. That's the kind of damage dropping this kind of insane garbage onto the market does. Still, I'm sure it doesn't compare to the pain someone who actually liked RE in the first place felt when opening this on release day, assuming they of course were still delusional about 5 not being "that bad" at the time.

Development dollar for dollar, hour for hour, possibly the worst game ever created. Almost definitely the worst game ever dropped by a major developer in a major series. Insanely bad. Look up every bad word you know in a thesaurus and peruse the synonyms - this game very likely fits all of them. Think of the worst game you know and I am almost certain that this is worse. Devil May Cry 2 at least has the decency to end in 5 hours. They HAVE to make this shit non-canon if they want to ever continue with the classic RE characters beyond remakes. They HAVE to delete this game's existence on our current timeline. You HAVE to not play this game.

It's so tragic that so many models, weapons, enemies, designs, unique animations and setpieces with the size and detail of entire games on their own are so utterly wasted on this co-op action drivel parading around with a name that honestly would have preferred being shot dead than taken hostage like this. This game is straight up offensive. I take offense at it.

Leon's campaign, to be fair, is just more RE5 but with an even more nonsensical story. At this point the game is bad. The game is bad the moment it starts - let me make that clear. But it's just bad. It didn't hurt me or my family.

Chris' campaign is basically a Call of Duty level. I do not know why they did this. Piers has no motives, no background, nothing that isn't related to the fact that Chris exists and he's awesome. Piers will survive. I'm sure he will be fine. This is the action movie bullshit that starts with 4 turned up to its logical endgame - more and more and more Gears of Honorfield Killzone whatever the fuck. Fuck it, it might as well be a Halo level. At this point I am pissed. I am mad. I am struggling to understand with my tiny peabrain why this game has turned out this way. I Google and Google and Google the same question over and over again. "Did Capcom really make this? That Capcom?". The answer remains the same. I am angry about it.

Jake's campaign is the funniest, because Jake and Sherry basically feel like self-insert OCs by an obsessed writer." uh yea.. he's like.. the lost son of the epic guy.. and he can move really fast and he's like.. special and awesome.. and the female falls in love with him instantly because he's sooo epic.... and he's actually really sarcastic and aloof and awesome.. *flips knife in mid air* I'm a mercenary..". At this point I'm laughing. That's despite it not being funny. I am miserable, and it's a trauma response. A whole chapter cannot be completed in co-op due to a gamebreaking door that has just remained in the game for over a decade, despite Capcom finding the time to go back last year and patch out the quicktime events from RE5, which I know I already commented on my RE5 review, but is such an insane factoid that I don't feel bad mentioning it again.

Agent's campaign is awesome and clearly the highlight. Name one single character in the REverse that has stronger feats than Agent. FTL travel, teleportation, intangibility, invisibility, Ant-man powers to crawl up Ada's ass. Who can defeat him? They should add this guy to Dead by Daylight.

Every one of these campaigns intersect. "Wow, that's pretty cool". Shut the hell up, that's not cool at all. It means once you get to your third campaign half the remaining game to you is replaying the same boss fights. By the time you get to the last campaign you can probably predict every single level. That's not even touching on the fact that the overarching story itself barely makes sense. It's an idiot plot. Both in the definitive dictionary sense and in the sense that whoever wrote it is in an idiot. "You have unlocked Ada for additional gamemodes". No one is playing that. No one will game that videogame.

The achievement for completing this game on Normal difficulty on Steam currently has a 12.8% acquisition rate. This game is not hard, to be clear - it is possibly the easiest RE to date. It's just really that bad. If you take the gameplay and polish it a little (first of all maybe don't make the sprint button the contextual action button), and put another name on it, and put it in like, another game, with a different story, you could quite possibly scrunge up enough gamejuice to reinvest into a solid 2.5. That's the absolute best case scenario. I wouldn't hold my breath. Actually I would, but it'd be an attempt to die.

I can't stay away from this shit for more than a few months. I get Trails withdrawals, I start shaking, I get headaches, I try other JRPGs and I go to another village across the map in the middle of a story beat and I expect random NPC #84 to have new dialogue for me. They don't. Why would they? It's an insane thing to do, and yet it's just the standard in Trails. I don't know what kinda psychopath keeps making this. It's like fucking crack. Oh you didn't pay attention to the dilemma of an elderly NPC in the tavern actually overlapping with a solution given by the gardener in a different city that only exists for one single story step? You missed it? That's a sidequest gone. Idiot. You're an idiot for not doing it. I love that. I'm not being ironic. That's peak RPG.

Barely over a week ago I wrote a review for Persona 5 that said that gaming (implicitly referring to the japanese roleplaying kind, might I add) "has yet to find a good way to hide elemental weaknesses and then show them later". Then I play this shit and they immediately solve it. That's fucked up, man. You're fucking with me at this point. I'm pissed off they've done that.

I sit down to play a game. I ask what the story's about. You tell me it's a bunch of misfits in the found family trope. You slap me across the face. I start crying. You say it's framed in a buddy cop universe. You punch me straight between the eyes. I pass out from the pain. And yet all I feel is happiness. At one point a gruff elder police officer who's been "getting too old for this shit" says "I might just have to admit you're a half decent cop" and I got up in my apartment so fast it scared my roomba and started pacing around the entire living room while clapping so hard I lost all feelings in my hands. You might as well have told me these streets aren't what they used to be. I might have had a seizure.

The biggest (arguably only) weakness this has is that it's basically a sidestory and can't really decide how much it wants to commit to that. Bringing back familiar characters in a slightly awkward way. Not awfully so, but in a way where it definitely feels slightly inorganic. Don't get me wrong, I am the fan getting serviced, and I love my little beloved sprites I already played as for 100+ hours, but the game on its own might honestly stand better without it.