strangely got hooked on this while playing it on an actual cabinet today at a pretty cool game expo, normally at these events i dont sit down and finish a whole game but i couldn’t stop myself from finishing this one twice over. what other shmup has you flying along the front of a claw machine game where tokens fly at you, or has you tear apart a crude interpretation of space invaders followed by blowing up the motherboard behind said game? its an extremely endearing yet ruthless perspective on the chokehold arcade games had on the market during the 90s. its a battle against the past. claw machines and miniature race cars vs small children who wield the power to eviscerate galaxies. its their tastes that define popularization. game tengoku laughs in the face of danger, effortlessly transitioning between vast contrasted worlds while you maneuver your way around giant stuffed animals and intergalactic space jets. the credits? who needs em. blast each and every name to pieces. i really need to get into more cute em ups cuz shit like this never ceases to grab me. this one should be recognized among the likes of harmful park and cotton. play it if youre a fan of the genre.

Maybe a bit weaker than the original, honestly? Somehow even less engaging, with its much smaller enemy variety and tedious bosses. Enemy placement can be pretty bad here too. It just feels a lot like you're trudging through rather than enjoying it or even really playing it, which is really not a good thing for a game only slightly longer than the original. I guess the graphics are more detailed at least, but that's already to be expected honestly. Both of these two are pretty boring and basic, but I'd pick the original if I had to choose or recommend one.

There's something that really needs to be said about baseball games and developing decent AI for it. Other sports games? Generally not terrible normally, for Baseball though? It's basically hoping the CPU decides to play nice and pretends that it can't track your pitches with complete all-seeing knowledge and hit them with unparalleled timing.

It really doesn't help either that the outfielders seem to be dumber than a sack of potatoes. Honestly? I feel like actual sacks of potatoes could do a better job of fielding than these guys. No really boys take your time getting to that ball, the CPU is only just now rounding third base after smacking that hit. No worries.

I could be easier on these early sports games on NES, but that's frankly boring and kinda bullshit, so I say it's moderately poopy.

Virgin Spider-Man (2018):
– Mindless automated swinging where you don't have to think of anything other than having tall structures near you. No care for trajectory and momentum. Traversal is totally separated from combat.
– Mashy arkham combat that practically plays itself as you react to prompts on the screen. Doesn't even feel good since hits have zero punch.
– Ubisoft mush of checklists on the map with objectives as creative as "press A near the icon" or "defeat waves of generic enemies".
– Peter Parker fixes police surveillance network, larps as a cop and unquestionably trusts authority. Blatant copaganda that wants you be a part of status quo.

Chad Bionic Commando (2009):
– Detailed traversal where you have to consider trajectory and momentum of motion, not to mention the objects to swing on. Satisfying to get a grip on and use in combat encounters.
– Competent acrobatic TPS that requires mastery of movement mechanics to succeed. Pulling yourself to enemies to send them with a flying kick is peak instant gratification.
– Concise linear campaign encompassing a good variation of combat encounters and traversal challenges, alternating between action set pieces and moments of quiet exploration.
– Nathan Spencer despises every order from the government that marginalizes him despite making him a monstrous weapon in the first place. Proven to be right when it's revealed that his direct authority is behind the attacks.

Bionic Commando solos.

This would be the absolute coolest game in the world if it didn't require the collective GPU power of the entire continental United States to run at a stable frame rate.

Seriously, this game is what I wanted after playing Neon White earlier this year, some mix between Doom and Mirror's Edge that gleamed with beautiful and vibrant synthetic aesthetics. The parkour is basic enough to master quickly, yet intricate enough to mold any maps movement to your liking, which allows the flow of combat to stay permanently high. Gun variety was whatever, but that's alright because the adrenaline rush granted by headshots, kicks for new weapons, and arm-cannon trickery kept the game going at a pace previously unknown to mankind. This game felt like Unreal Tournament on drum and bass ketamine, it was an unstoppable force of forward forward forward. The drawback, which was enough for me to dock this some serious consideration points, was how awfully this ran on my very new rig. Once there were enough enemies in the arena, it didn't take long for my game to dip below 18 frames which in a shooter, let alone where your health is as fragile as Severed Steel, is inexcusable.

I'd recommend Severed Steel if you want to be a GAMER at 400 miles per hour in a fourth dimension, but if you're not a fan of fast paced, parkour based shooters, this probably isn't your jam.

When I was younger and I hadn’t played many older games and I wasn’t really paying attention to the ones that I HAD I would often find myself thinking that while some games were obviously worth recognizing for being the first in iconic series and having cool music and being the foundations upon which great things would be built, there wasn’t ACTUALLY that much separating something like a Mario or a Zelda from the kinds of games that we had in my house growing up that were utterly forgotten by history like Kung Fu Heroes and Swords and Serpents, or actively maligned like Home Alone 2 or Battletoads. OBVIOUSLY this was an ignorant way to think about these games, a dismissive attitude informed by an unwillingness to branch out of my comfort zone, one that I talk about often on here. Making an active effort to shed this attitude is a general good because it not only helps me better appreciate the more run of the mill or forgotten games of the era as worthy of attention and examination but it does also help me identify DA CLASSICS and goddamn is Castlevania ever one of those.

Obviously there’s a lot here that does this, from the nonstop bangers (a game with ten pieces of music where every single one of them is a stone cold classic broooooooo) that are perfectly matched to the tone of each stage, to the variety between those stages despite the relatively limited bag of tricks the devs were working with, to the deliberate control scheme, to the distinctly minimal number of fuck off dickhead unfair set pieces. Even the premise is pitch perfect, goofy enough to be remarkable, for every moment where you turn a proverbial corner into a new boss pulled from the classic movie monster canon to be worth a hearty chuckle without shedding the instantly classic schlock horror vibe it’s cultivating.

I think the thing that’s really cool to me though, especially for a game from 1986, is how well Castlevania establishes, uh Castlevania. Like, the castle itself. For a game with literally no text in it, Castlevania (the game) does an incredible job at rooting you in its senses of character, of narrative, of place. The theme park tour of Dracula’s castle takes you through grounds and gardens, over towers and parapets, down into dungeons and caves, and it all feels like a natural progression. You get that little map screen in between stages that shows your progress through the castle and you can really feel it. Castlevania does the smart thing of mixing you up between moving left-to-right and moving right-to-left too, which doesn’t sound like much but it does make it feel a lot more like you’re working your way through a real building complex and less like only a series of levels. This kind of attention to detail is what elevates those good games to Great ones. It makes Castlevania a real pleasure to experience, it makes it immersive. It’s so cool to find that degree of world in a linear sidescrolling action platformer on the NES. Games are so cool! It’s this kind of shit that keeps me excited for the medium.

FUCK the hallway before the grim reaper though, all my homies hate the hallway before the grim reaper.

NEXT TIME: SIMON'S QUEST

Things about G-Darius that own:

- you can capture basically any non-boss enemy in the game and have them fight alongside you, and each has a different shot pattern or defensive ability, leading to tons of interesting experimentation on how best to progress through levels

- captured captains (midbosses, sorta) can do hidden moves with fighting-game-style controls, and they can also shield you from enemy fire

- zuntata music, ofc

- alpha beam boss counters (firing your giant BLUE laser into a giant mechanical sea creature's giant RED laser, thus powering it up to deal massive damage)

- boss names: tripod sardine. lightning coronatus. need i say more

- 3D silverhawk + fully powered up wave = best and coolest ship/shot combo in any STG maybe

Things about G-Darius that do not own:

- Fucking goddamn homing lasers and other cheap barely-dodgeable bullshit. there's too much of it

That's it. Wonderful and extremely unique game. (played on the excellent G-Darius HD Switch port)