"They say that one of life's greatest tragedies is a talent gone to waste."

"What about those who have no talent? Are their lives wasted from the start?"

--

"The book's about nothing."

Technically I completed 99% of the game with the final level freezing and there might be/probably is a way to work around that but well I've done enough lol. Watched the final 10 minutes on YouTube and it's just as tedious as the rest of the game is. Very funny, nihilistic ending though which almost made me give the game two stars if it wasn't for literally everything else here. At least it's mostly funny-bad instead of boring-bad. Not by much though (like 60-40) and it's still just an overall torturous experience. They really did double-down on the ring levels here and while it can be somewhat of a thrill when you're going super fast performing a tricky maneuver of hastily placed/moving rings there's just SO many of these levels and they go on FOREVER. Almost lost my mind a few times here. Still those levels are more competent than any of the actual mission objectives and their asinine level designs. Definitely a rushed game to say the least.

Went through the trouble of beating it for both the meme and I've now earned the right to abandon whatever games I may please from here on out for getting all/99% of the way through this one. Will also be dming said future abandoned game's director on Twitter to let them know that I got farther in Superman 64 than I did in their boring, pansy ass game just to rub it in.

Maybe not a perfect 5/5 but given, you know, EVERYTHING that's going on here both technically and structurally (whether for it's time or not) it just feels wrong not to give it that. This is like everything I could ask for in a narrative video game. Further proof that nothing matches the original PlayStation's aesthetics. I always kind of push survival horror to the side despite the fact I'm always playing near perfect games from that genre. Haven't played something that's crawled under my skin this well in a long while, if ever. Hope to get the good ending (the one time I don't fully explore an area in this game upon immediately entering it and it SCREWS me) and try out those sequels (legally, but also I'm not paying like $100+ each for them) someday in the future.

When playing the Hero Assault mode the only song that would play was the Cantina Band song, no matter the map (played on the Death Star, Mustafar, and a barely loaded in Hoth). When you would die the song would cut off immediately and would restart when you spawned back in. If you died too many times the sound would just completely cut off (a fair punishment that should be implemented in all games). Of all the things that need to be patched in this currently broken collection that I pre-ordered like the stupid man I am (between this and my purchase of the definitive edition of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties I should probably seek out a financial advisor) I deeply hope they keep this one.

Screaming Door enemy is so hilarious and gives off the exact same vibes as the Green Nightmare Barrel from Donkey Kong Country 3 (my favorite enemy in this entire medium) that I can't not love this. Was gonna make a complaint that this is way too easy but you know, I don't care. Above all else, it was just nice to play something in what feels like the longest time without STRESSING for one second. Very relaxing, very comforting, excellent imagination. Like almost all Mario games, very much looking forward to revisiting this one every couple of years.

Probably a 3/5 but I was so impressed with how I never got lost once in a Metroidvania with no map that I'll give it that extra star for the level design. I don't think that aspect will work well with non-experienced gamers which I think is funny because this is a "my first Metroidvania" that has no map. Can't not admire the developers for toughening up those SOFT, inexperienced gamers playing this. I think you can make both arguments that the creature you're playing as would know/keep track of where it's going or not (thus the need or no need for a map). Still this map isn't one you're gonna get TOO lost in as opposed to NES Metroid which if you are able to beat that without looking up a map Nintendo should fully fund your college education.

Game does not meet it's full potential sadly (what happens when you make a "my first Metroidvania" with such an excellent concept), but with what's here I still found it highly enjoyable. Love the biology of the creature and controlling it is just so smooth. A bit tough to navigate when you're at it's full, giant, all-star form but I'm not sure how that's a common complaint on here? Yes, the creature is unstable when it's at that size. It's a mess and it's cool! Excellent atmosphere that got me through the whole thing despite thinking a little too much throughout how this would've been an all-timer if it was given a meatier treatment like Super Metroid. Maybe for the future/a sequel. For now, especially with it's short play time of around 4 hours, I think this is a good start for anyone not familiar with Metroidvanias.

"We're looking for treasure, Pipe Boy!"

"Take this... But watch out for a smelly brown bear and his ugly bird partner!"

Absolutely hilarious. Grunty's Furnace Fun is an all-timer in video game boss levels. Was very exciting to see her shout out my old high school, Fat Hag High, here.

Spent $43.49 on this stupid meme (because I am a stupid man) that I will use to torture as many friends as I can trick into playing this with me until the end of time. First showing/play through involved my roommate who had no idea what this was (it's now his very favorite game, of course) and our one friend who, like myself, is well versed in the early years of the Angry Video Game Nerd, who's video on this "game" gave it a new life and eventually led to this Definitive Edition (I imagine this is his Oppenheimer moment/legacy). Good trash, sure, that I'm surprised didn't bore me/us more. Unlike actual passionate works with the mostly dreaded/misused "so bad it's good" title this is just really embarrassing/worrisome when you think about it's inception. Still, I look forward to torturing many more friends with a prime example of something that should've been left in the past.

1 star, obviously, but should be zero stars because of, you know, everything along with the addition of how much Limited Run Games sucks. Especially because of their added Plumb the Depths section, a bizarre, intentionally poor Doom(ish) knockoff used to unlock bonus content that should normally already be available once you complete the story but they needed to pad this thing out more given how short it is, which is maybe the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a "videogame". Looking forward to the day someone breaks into my apartment and as they're going through my physical Nintendo Switch collection they see Mario, Metroid, WarioWare, Tetris, Plumbers Don't Wear Ties. Can't wait to give this Best Narrative during Backloggd's Best of 2024 awards at the end of the year.

Asides from some of the smaller platforming parts being completely annoying with these controls and just don't mesh well with the game's overall breakneck pace and the shotgun which just flat-out doesn't work with the pace here, this is one of the most exciting games I've played in a while. 90's Nickelodeon/Cartoon Network art style alone is enough to recommend it. Soundtrack kills too! Or at least the iconic It's Pizza Time! track which violently overshadows all the other tracks with how catchy it is. Took a good while for me to get into this (and I'm still trying to figure out if I'm fighting with the controls or if they're fighting with me), but boy does it feel otherworldly when you start to feel yourself getting better at it by racking up higher and higher combos and cursing less (or less at the stuff you struggled with in the beginning) as you work your way up the tower. Highlights are Peppino's facial animations on the television (and everywhere else, the taunt button is just wonderful), corpse surfing, and the finale with racing down the tower through all the levels once again. Love that the game understands that jumping on enemies nowadays is LAME. Suplexing tomatoes and cheeses are where it's at now. So much unique stuff going on here that I could easily rack up several more hours in this. Know for a fact that should this ever get ported to Switch or should I ever acquire a Steam Deck that those several more hours would be immediately acquired. Very good game but a perfect handheld/portable game.

"Those who do not embrace Dandori cannot survive this planet."

First time playing a Pikmin game after falling in love with the demo. Was always fascinated by the original back when it first came out after seeing images in Nintendo Power/GamePro of actual realistic, detailed items in the game. I'm pretty sure was the first time I ever saw stuff like that in a video game which I really loved to see back then as a kid (and even still today. Always neat!). With that, favorite moments of the game were acquiring the Wave Race: Blue Storm disc and killing a creature and having a gigantic thing of glazed ham fly out of it's corpse.

Tapping out with 238/239 treasures for I don't have the energy to complete Olimar's Tale to get the purple onion just to get that bastard gold bar/final treasure. I know my limits but the fact that I 99%ed the game says more than enough of my enjoyment. However, what truly makes this a 5/5 is that I actually spent time reading about the game's creatures in the Piklopedia. If I'm spending more than 1 minute in a game's in-game encyclopedia (let alone dedicating time to it) it's gotta be a near perfect game. Love the world, love the lite-ecology, love it all.

It's absolutely hilarious and I feel fully represented that all of Louie's Piklopedia entries are just ways to cook/eat every creature in the game. His Blue Pikmin entry is very concerning though but also I understand him.

"Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God."

With that quote from Woo's Hard Boiled first comes with me admitting that I kind of screwed myself on this playthrough by trying to be the guy with the big dick and playing it on hard mode for the first time (last time I played this was about a decade ago) which just isn't meant for this kind of game. This opinion of mine would be different if the cover system worked and if the controls were programmed to control a human and not a tank. Unfortunately neither of those things are true and I cannot imagine how anyone could possibly have fun playing this on hard. Especially since getting through levels is more based on luck and not skill. Just a couple of bullets and you're dead. Enemies just keep on coming and coming; spraying bullets with no end in sight. In a 2D/side-scroller shooter this is fine. In a 3D shooter where you are primarily planted to the ground (even with all the diving and whatnot) it is not. No strategy, just luck.

Playing on this mode, about the first 40% of the game is fun, the next 50% was just about the most miserable I've ever been playing a game before giving up on the last 10% and switching the mode from hard to easy. That's when the game became fun again (though I probably should’ve switched the mode to medium being easy is a bit too easy) and truly captured the feeling of the quote listed at the top of this review. You should not be hiding in cover for more than a few seconds in this game. You should be out there dipping and diving and sliding all over the damn place with a gun in each hand blasting away enemies and the environment. When you are truly feeling the power of a gun in each hand is when the game is at its best.

I still remember the Best Buy close to my house, back when this was released, set up a station where you could literally play the entire game right there. I think this was the first game that made me realize the big step up graphically from the PS2 to the PS3 with all those destructible environments. Definitely thought this was the greatest game ever made based on that first level. Never played the entire game through until now and when I wasn’t dying from the millions of bullets being shot simultaneously at my head on hard mode I was dying of boredom since there is literally no variety whatsoever here. Just point and shoot. At least it's short. If this wasn’t helmed/influenced by John Woo’s style this would probably be a 2/5 but luckily it is and that’s probably why the story works more than usual (comes with all of Woo’s flourishes, though definitely not as memorable as his films) and probably why we have both destructible environments and hilarious things like a live jazz band playing in the middle of a room as you and the enemies engage in a shootout.

Who would’ve thought that John Woo would ever develop a video game, let alone one that’s a sequel to Hard Boiled where you get to play as Chow Yun-Fat? On that merit alone it’s hard for me to completely hate this for the lack of variety and for the overall presentation (the destructible environments are cool, having the sound go out multiple times having me to restart the disc is not). Only major issue I have here is with the controls that are mostly garbage and really bring the game down. Unbelievably stiff when it comes to movement and aiming and when precise aiming is sometimes required you can expect a controller to be flying out my window. Would pay hard cash for a remaster because there is a damn fine game in here. As is, it’s just fine yet a very cool relic in Woo’s career. Something I’ll replay in a couple years and be faced with a PTSD breakdown for all the horrors I endured by playing this on hard mode.

"Water is the memory of the world. Water finds its way."

--

"Now, when the monster comes, I turn it into art. My nightmares caught on film"

Was originally planning on getting a PS5 when Death Stranding 2 eventually gets released in another year or two. That was until seeing Herald of Darkness performed at The Game Awards. Was already very interested in this game (without any knowledge of the song/section) and then saw that performance, said "fuck" to myself upon realizing that fucker Geoff Keighley got me exactly where he wanted me to be, and went to Best Buy two days later. Herald of Darkness section definitely lived up to my expectations of how they could possibly implement that song into the game but the rest of it is extremely neat too!

Finland Twin Peaks (overused, I know, but there's no better compliment!) that truly knows it's a videogame! What really brings this up to a 5/5 is the use of projections and the darkness. Walking in the woods at night with a flashlight barely getting light through the pitch blackness with Taken wandering all around is so unbelievably unnerving even while playing the game with the sun out. Horrifying atmosphere that just sucks you right into this Silent Hill type hell. The use of projections, fades, and mixture of graphics and real life footage here provide some of the most beautiful images I've ever seen. Kind of joins the Metal Gear Solid series for me where I didn't particularly enjoy engaging in the core combat but love the games for how they utilize this medium to tell their stories. Less for MGS given all the neat variety in it's combat but especially for Alan Wake II for the combat here (more or less, a simple point & shoot with the occasional Alan Wake pimp slap) ranges from a 1/5 to a 3/5 (sometimes a 4/5 on a good day). While certainly not the point/main focus of the game, with this coming from Remedy and with how good the combat is in Max Payne and Control it's kind of shocking how it was never not clunky here and I have yet to read any of the narrative that could suggest that this was on purpose (maybe? Even if...). Of course, comparing it to MGS in this regard is just about the highest praise I can give anything and I wouldn't be giving this a 5/5 if the combat TRULY bothered me (when it hits that 4/5 it's a WILD time). Everything else from the narrative, structure, visuals, sound, and exploration is so unbelievably inspiring that there's no way I can't give this anything less than a 5/5.

Sometime down the line I'll play through the Final Draft/New Game+ mode given from what I've read it sounds completely next-level when compared to the standard NG+ mode, but that's for another time for I've been playing this for too long now. Besides, the spirit of Alan Wake will still be with me for a long, long time anyways as Herald of Darkness [Radio Edit] continues to secure its position as my most listened to song on Spotify this year and I am very, very happy about that.

Never realized how terrible I was at the original before playing through this. I never even made it to the castle back then and it turns out that's barely the first 1/3rd of the game lol and I definitely remember playing it (/replaying those sections) a good amount. I've said this plenty of times before but it's always great to come back to a game from my youth (remake or not) and just completely show up my worthless younger self.

Is a testament to how good the original is with how much of it has stayed with me all these years later and all from just the first 1/3rd of the game! Imagine if I didn't suck at it. Village with the chainsaw man at the beginning and the lake set piece are still just beyond iconic. In this remake they're still excellent pieces though I thought the lake monster design here wasn't as defining as it was in the original which pretty much sums up my main complaint with the game. Really lacks that charm and FULL-on weirdness of the original (not to say it's COMPLETELY lacking here) which is immediately noticeable with the lack of a sinister voice announcing "RESIDENT EVIL FOOOOUUURR" at the title screen. I definitely enjoyed the last 2/3rds of the game I didn't play in my youth more than the first third I did play and have a pretty good memory of still and it's no doubt due to the remake missing that personality.

Nonetheless, with what's here it's still a very nice time (save for a few moments that I just wanted to be over with). I think I prefer RE2Remake for it's atmosphere but the combat and controls here have been pretty much perfected and the narrative just continues to wonderfully amp itself up the further you get into the game. Easy to see why the original is normally in contention for the greatest game ever made. Definitely a bit of regret not replaying/actually completely it before investing in this remake but oh well. If anything, it absolutely works in this remakes favor until/if I revisit it.

Very glad to have finally beat one of these "impossible" games. At least I think. I'll ask my carpal tunnel about it later. Definitely lite/almost anti(?)-Bennett Foddy because it is fun/satisfying to play (for the most part), possible to control (again, for the most part), and I would love to play another map from this guy (actually! but maybe that defeats the point of this? Whatever.). Hits a good amount of Foddy's musings though maybe not with the same impact and that's okay because I didn't want to kill everyone within a seven mile radius while playing this (or at least not as much) as I did in my few miserable hours of playing and healthily not completing Getting Over It. Wouldn't say that I'm done with this "impossible" genre being I plan on getting Foddy and company's Baby Steps when it comes out (assuming it'll be part of the genre) but this has definitely given me the strength to close the door on all those low-tier, rage bait games that I always have too much interest in.