aughhhh
BACKER
1998
approaches the stage with 73809 page manifesto on xenogears' impact and its troubled dev cycle and why it is both one of the most interesting, rewarding narratives told in gaming history and one of gaming's most incredible dev journeys, from beginning as what was originally ff7 before being repurposed into xenogears and then being cut in half, and how legal battles have prevented it from ever truly being returned to in the manner it deserves
ahem
screams into microphone, tears running down my face
BROKEN MIRROR A MILLION SHAPES OF LIGHT THE OLD ECHO FADES AWAY BUT JUST YOU AND I CAN FIND THE ANSWER AND THEN WE CAN RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD, RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD
is dragged offstage while vocalizing the guitar solo
ahem
screams into microphone, tears running down my face
BROKEN MIRROR A MILLION SHAPES OF LIGHT THE OLD ECHO FADES AWAY BUT JUST YOU AND I CAN FIND THE ANSWER AND THEN WE CAN RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD, RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD
is dragged offstage while vocalizing the guitar solo
French existentialist Simone de Beauvoir argues in her 1947 book The Ethics of Ambiguity that 'existence precedes essence;' that the personality and the core beliefs of each human individual is defined through their environment and their actions, and that the challenges that allow those personality-shaping events are the ones that truly test the scope of the limits between their limitations and potential, their past against their future, the comfort of familiarity against the fear of the unknown.
"I Was a Teenage Exocolonist" is a quiet meditation on this and other questions asked by de Beauvoir and her fellow existentialists, packaged stealthily in the wrappings of a Solarpunk-themed dating game. Beneath the cotton candy colored environment of Vertumna and the egregiously tumblr-era character designs lies one of the best narrative experiences I've had in years, one that manages to succeed at the challenge of remaining both replayable and emotionally impactful. IWATE introduces the concepts of string theory, mortality, identity, collectivism, and on and on and on as each character you meet lives, grows, dies, lives again, and becomes a different person entirely.
When asked about the passing of her lover, the famed philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, de Beauvoir simply said "His death does not separate us. My death will not bring us together again. That is how things are. It is in itself splendid that we were able to live our lives in harmony for so long.” Vertumna asks you to spend ten years with it before it lets you go, and readily welcomes you back again for the next loop of a cycle that continues on into infinity. But each of those cycles of ten years creates a unique you, and the life you live with its people is truly splendid.
ps: rex is best boy, even with the dumb tattoo, fight me
"I Was a Teenage Exocolonist" is a quiet meditation on this and other questions asked by de Beauvoir and her fellow existentialists, packaged stealthily in the wrappings of a Solarpunk-themed dating game. Beneath the cotton candy colored environment of Vertumna and the egregiously tumblr-era character designs lies one of the best narrative experiences I've had in years, one that manages to succeed at the challenge of remaining both replayable and emotionally impactful. IWATE introduces the concepts of string theory, mortality, identity, collectivism, and on and on and on as each character you meet lives, grows, dies, lives again, and becomes a different person entirely.
When asked about the passing of her lover, the famed philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, de Beauvoir simply said "His death does not separate us. My death will not bring us together again. That is how things are. It is in itself splendid that we were able to live our lives in harmony for so long.” Vertumna asks you to spend ten years with it before it lets you go, and readily welcomes you back again for the next loop of a cycle that continues on into infinity. But each of those cycles of ten years creates a unique you, and the life you live with its people is truly splendid.
ps: rex is best boy, even with the dumb tattoo, fight me
2015
while the rest of this game is fine, this five star review is specifically for the use of the line "understand the palm of my hand, bitch." poetry.
features an impossibly generous depiction of a future san francisco, which is depicted as clean and technologically progressive; i guaranfuckingtee you that by 2064 the city will be a disgusting shit-scented garbage island run by ruthless mad-max style rival tribes based on their district of origin before it is inevitably destroyed by the war between soma's cannibal techno-yuppies and the mission's anarcho-queer doomsday cult. (the upper class will have long left the surface behind in the salesforce tower, which now hovers over the remains of the city, its occupants laughing and clinking glasses of champagne together as they watch the trash pyre at pacific heights burn)
2023
This review contains spoilers
the entire vibe of this game feels super predatory. it's Pinocchio, but with the graceless, on-the-nose mall goth writing of American McGee's Alice. wrap it up in Yharnam's discarded skin, and you have Lies of P.
surely round8 studios is aware that Bloodborne fanatics are thirsty for even the tiniest scrap of content, how they're willing to work themselves into a frenzy over the most baseless rumor of a remaster or a sequel, yes? if this sounds like you, be very aware: if you're looking for more soulslike combat, sure, there's some worth here, but you won't find an ounce of subtlety, artistry, or narrative sophistication inside. or, to be more brief: it's fucking lame
the game's final scene features a character droning listlessly into a telephone that "they've found their next key.... DOROTHY!" followed by a jump cut to a girl in red shoes walking off of a train and clicking her heels together. cut to black, credits.
a lot has been said about the phrase "i can't" as a memetic device meant to describe the only communication style left to frappucino-sucking white ladies but, like, when my eyes rolled out of my head after viewing the game's ending and that was the only language left to me, i think i sympathize. i can't. i couldn't. fuck this.
surely round8 studios is aware that Bloodborne fanatics are thirsty for even the tiniest scrap of content, how they're willing to work themselves into a frenzy over the most baseless rumor of a remaster or a sequel, yes? if this sounds like you, be very aware: if you're looking for more soulslike combat, sure, there's some worth here, but you won't find an ounce of subtlety, artistry, or narrative sophistication inside. or, to be more brief: it's fucking lame
the game's final scene features a character droning listlessly into a telephone that "they've found their next key.... DOROTHY!" followed by a jump cut to a girl in red shoes walking off of a train and clicking her heels together. cut to black, credits.
a lot has been said about the phrase "i can't" as a memetic device meant to describe the only communication style left to frappucino-sucking white ladies but, like, when my eyes rolled out of my head after viewing the game's ending and that was the only language left to me, i think i sympathize. i can't. i couldn't. fuck this.
on the one hand, it's a true hidden gem with an amazing story and a killer soundtrack. on the other, one of your party members is a gay vampire pro wrestler whose personal sidequest involves defeating 100 diaper-wearing men named after curries at a pro-wrestling event called "The Man Festival," which ends with said gay vampire pro wrestler earning the prize of getting to bottom for the previous winner, and idk about you, but that's exactly the kind of queer representation i can get behind (dumb, horny)
1997
there is no game in the world that I want a modern remaster of more. sure, the samurai/ninja power fantasy is simulated in loving detail, but you haven't known true combat until you and your opponent are crawling toward each other with your one remaining good arm after you've taken out all of eachother's other limbs , flailing your weapons helplessly at each other like you're crabs with knives
2001
vivid memories of waking up at two in the morning to the sounds of "don't worry buddy, don't worry buddy, don't worry buddy" to find my younger sister, feverish and transfixed, in the middle of one of her 15 hour stints of just playing the chao garden minigame
2023
the gameplay is pretty great objectively. but the story/art/music/character design/writing/dialogue is such a downgrade from 3h that it makes me feel deeply aware that i'm rapidly hurtling toward the heat death of the universe every second i spend playing it. like, the rest of it is so unequivocally bad that i feel myself growing exponentially dumber the longer i play it. sure, i may become a tactical genius by the endgame, but what's the use when this is all over and i have the mental capacity of a bowl of soup?
2020
i was worried that this would be divinity: original sin 3 more than it would be a true successor to baldur's gate II (not that more div:os2 would be a bad thing at all, really) but it does a suitably good job of living up to the originals' legacy while incorporating the polish and production value of some of the genre's more recent successful entries. 5e is a mixed bag, but the game pushes past (most) of the system's frustrating qualities. it's great. (i've also seen porn that is less horny than this game. some of the shit larian pulls in this is absolutely wild and I'm surprised they were able to get away without an AO rating. i deep throated a tentacle????)
anyway the camp f* slur vampire is funnier than every single bioware npc combined
anyway the camp f* slur vampire is funnier than every single bioware npc combined
great for simulating a healthy relationship with a nice boy but i gotta take issue with the game's depiction of wholesome, healthy relationships with your parents, it's a nice thought but it's just not relatable, man
2017
i love that this game exists, purely as a vehicle to sucker horny teenage boys into reading about existential philosophy
"hey, wanna try out this really cool action game where you get to play as a really hot tibby robot in a miniskirt, and you can see her A-S-S? also, hey, by the way, have you ever heard of jean paul sartre?"
"hey, wanna try out this really cool action game where you get to play as a really hot tibby robot in a miniskirt, and you can see her A-S-S? also, hey, by the way, have you ever heard of jean paul sartre?"
who says filing for insurance can't be fun and engaging? wait, where are you going?
2013
it's vanillaware so it's gorgeous, but also the invention of the sorceress created a great karmic imbalance in the universe so until we get an eventual remaster where they introduce a male fanservice character that drags his massive cock behind him like a deceased eel, the damage this game has done will never be healed
2022
a slow, quiet 15th century mystery rendered in the visual style of illuminated manuscripts of the late middle-ages & early renaissance. it is certainly something special in the games-as-art genre, and therefore is not for everyone.
(in this case: everyone means monster chugging twitch streamer bros with a tier 3 amouranth sub who enthusiastically finger themselves to completion every time they get to watch kratos pull off a kill animation)
(in this case: everyone means monster chugging twitch streamer bros with a tier 3 amouranth sub who enthusiastically finger themselves to completion every time they get to watch kratos pull off a kill animation)