idk why everyone keeps asking if I’m red-pilled or blue-pilled when yellow is clearly the superior of the three smh

-----------------

Dr Mario is a strange little game in the grand scheme of the Mario series; it’s both one of the first proper Mario spinoff series and a franchise that’s practically instantly recognisable to those in the general gaming space….while also being a game you rarely see people actually discuss outside of the occasional ‘yep that’s a Dr Mario game alright’ when you bring it up. However, after playing through some of the games on NSO again, I’ve gotten in the mood to chat about the one that started it all for a bit. So put on your lab coat and grab your (definitely legally obtained) PhD as we take a visit to the clinic of Mr. Mario himself.

The general conceit of Dr Mario is a decidedly simple one: you’re given a randomised layout of coloured viruses (red, blue and yellow) which you have to match with the colour of one of your pills. Match four of the same colour together and you clear a row; clear all the viruses and you beat the stage. It’s the same tried-and-true gameplay loop of many puzzle games from the 80’s/90’s (think Tetris, Puyo Puyo, etc.), albeit with a bit more of random element as the pills generated can be either entirely one colour or half one colour, half another. In much the same way the text on a doctor’s clipboard reads like complete gobbledygook on first inspection, the gameplay of DM sounds a hell of a lot more complicated than it actually is as, when you’re actually playing it, you start to fall into that classic sense of focused zen that competitive-minded puzzle games from this era manage to achieve so well. This is helped doubly by the excellent music which accompanies the action; from the infectiously catchy melody of Fever to the tense yet relaxed vibe of Chill, it does a great job at pushing you to hone your skills as the pills pile up in front of you.

Now while all this certainly sets DM apart from the crowd (even to this day), it does come with an unfortunate side effect that its contemporaries managed to evade: downtime. A frustratingly common occurrence in DM are situations where you’ll be down to about 1-2 viruses remaining where you just need one more colour to finish the stage off….only for the RNG to give you every colour but the one you need, resulting in you having to awkwardly push it to the side of the board and wasting far more time than is necessary. Dr Mario is also much more punishing than Tetris or Puyo Puyo in terms of making mistakes; while you can reasonably recover from a misplaced piece drop in the latter examples, an accidental colour placement in DM can pretty much doom a run from the moment it happens unless you’re REALLY deep into a stage, an issue that gets exacerbated to an obscene degree in some of the last stages where the viruses can spawn on the screen as high as the game will allow. The save states/rewind present in the modern VC/NSO releases can mitigate this issue somewhat but it’s still a massive pain regardless.

For a final diagnosis, Dr Mario is very much like real-life medicine: it can be exactly what you need if you’re feeling under the weather, but too much of it in a short time frame can just as easily make you feel even worse. Overall then, I’d prescribe a small dosage of the NES original every now and then for when you’re ‘sick’ of other puzzle games and want something just a little bit different.

Hearing that new video game system you’re about to buy comes with a free title designed to show off its special capabilities likely calls to mind some paltry minigame compilation à la Welcome Park on PS Vita. Sony has actually preloaded their latest home console with a full-fledged 3D collect-a-thon platformer of remarkable quality though! It may not end up being as iconic as Wii Sports, but is a very welcome member of the PS5’s library nonetheless.

It feels like a gleeful celebration of the company’s long history. Not in a supercilious, self-aggrandizing way, but in a manner more akin to sitting down with an old friend and reminiscing fond memories. Everywhere you look there’s an Easter egg or deep cut reference that’s been lovingly placed there to bring a smile to the face of any abiding PlayStation devotee while reminding them of the types of experiences they can’t get anywhere else.

As delightful as all of that is though, it’s the gameplay that matters most and if that didn’t hold up then this package would carry no value. Astro’s Playroom manages to succeed due to spacing out the stages meant to make use of the controller’s unique functions with excellent traditional ones that you can explore and grab things in at your leisure. The levels that see you tilting the DualSense and playing around with its touchpad and adaptive triggers admittedly are a tad gimmicky (especially those dang frog suit sections), but remain fun in spite of that by never outstaying their welcome.

Another aspect that really impressed me was the sheer amount of interactivity. In the starting hub area alone, you can smack all of the little Bots to have them tag along behind you and amass a huge horde of followers. What purpose does this serve? None as far as I can tell! It's just a single example of the many neat little features the devs have included that allow you to find extra amusement in engaging with your surroundings. It's something I wish more games would do.

This might also be the perfect length, striking that nice balance between charming demo you spend a little time with before moving on to the games you actually bought the console for and a more fulfilling offering that can keep you coming back for a few additional hours via the healthy amount of collectibles to hunt down. AP won't be on any top ten of the PS5's lifespan lists when all is said and done, yet is a fantastic freebie regardless that there's absolutely no reason for you to not check out if you own the hardware.

9/10

The type of shovelware well-meaning grandmas used to buy their grandkids for the Wii on Christmases and birthdays back in the late 2000s, now on the 9th generation of consoles! Look, developer IguanaBee was forced to make this under some brutal time and financial constraints. They're a talented studio which can be seen in titles such as their incredibly charming MonsterBag. Oddly enough, despite the ultimate results this might actually be further proof of said talent. In roughly a year, without guidance or proper monetary support from the publisher to staff a full team on the project, and after a bit of post-release patching to update stuff such as the map so that it now shows your position on it, they churned out an entirely playable open-world action adventure. Doesn't make it a fun experience, but it's impossible to not be at least minorly impressed with what they were able to accomplish (however minuscule) with so many hurdles in their way.

Alright, now that I’ve given its makers a somewhat obligatory “it’s okay bud, we know it’s not really your fault” pat on the back, it’s time to mercilessly crap all over this abomination! We are looking at a genuinely abhorrent product here. Sure, Rise of Kong is a disaster from technical perspective with bugs that cause you to inexplicably get stuck on invisible snares forcing autosave reloads, graphics that look like they're from a PS2 offering (and not one of the pretty ones), environments that sometimes awkwardly melt into shape as you approach them in a manner akin to a hallucinogenic induced trip, and audio quality so bad it needs to be heard to be believed, but its worst aspects are easily those opening chapters where things are unreasonably challenging.

If there's any ish I can’t stand it’s when a bad game doesn’t have the decency to just let you steamroll through it with little trouble. The early hours are brutally plagued by the titular ape’s pathetically limited range and wimpy attacks that barely chip away at the health bars of his enemies. Shouldn’t this have been some kind of power fantasy? Why am I getting wrecked by what appear to be little green dodo birds? At no point do you feel like a beast powerful enough to have slugged it out in movies with the King of the Monsters. Even the way basic trees and other objects in the scenery tower over him give the impression that you’re controlling a regular-sized gorilla rather than one humongous enough to climb the Empire State Building.

Eventually you do begin to attain the true might you would expect from a kaiju with the first name of “King,” but it never seems to be the result of your investments into any of the skill trees. I can’t prove it, yet I have this unshakable suspicion that the devs artificially lower the difficulty in later chapters to give players the ​illusion of getting stronger rather than legitimately allowing them to become so, because it’s not remotely believable that those meager initial stat boosts I was unlocking would have had such a profound ability to leave foes that were previously causing me problems all of the sudden crumbling at my feet.

Oh well, at least when that happens it becomes pretty smooth sailing to the credits. You’ll still struggle to reach them though. Your motivation will be low. The entire runtime of Skull Island is a mind-numbingly dull loop of running around massive maze-like environments of identical assets to find unmarked, sparsely located “ascension event” arena fights and pick up the occasional collectible on your way to the area’s boss. There are plenty of threats along the way, but engaging with them is totally pointless. Not just because the combat sucks either. Defeating foes outside of the required sections grants you no additional EXP points, meaning they’re literally a complete waste of time. You’re better off simply sprinting past everything and focusing exclusively on whatever boring platforming segment is between you and the next mandatory encounter.

As much as I believe the small Chilean indie developers mostly deserve a pass for this given the circumstances, it is simultaneously not hard to wonder why they continued to try to create a package so grand in scope rather than reducing its scale to something more reasonable. Perhaps they shouldn't escape blame entirely. Their ambition paired with the lackluster resources from GameMill seriously cost them here. There were quite a few shockingly dreadful releases in 2023 and Skull Island: Rise of Kong blows the few I personally played out of the water, proving far fouler than the likes of Gollum or even TWD: Destinies. Is it the worst game of that year? That's highly likely. It's easily the top contender in my eyes.

1/10

One of the best Fire Emblems to date. Everything about it feels like the culmination of the Fire Emblem series (cause it was at the time). Each map felt distinct and great, the units all felt distinct, and Lucina's turmoil was super engaging to witness. Robin is probably the best OC character of the franchise with actual involvement and emotions tied to the story. Child units are kinda a pain and I wish the supports felt less tropy but it is still one of the best Fire Emblems to date and definitely open to newcomers.