CreamyClaws
2001
This review contains spoilers
I'm really torn on this game. On one hand, the story is incredible if a bit sparse up until the end of the game. The emotional resolution of the ending makes you feel for James, and will leave people divided as to whether or not he deserves to move on or "in water" himself. I personally think he deserved to move on, even though what he did was heinous. We'd like to sit behind the screen and judge, but most of us have never had to spend years taking care of a terminally ill loved one. The symbolism was also excellent, if a bit overt. Pyramid head really do be clapping them cheeks.
On the other, the game is profoundly boring. The entire thing is wandering around, jiggling locks and solving pretty easy puzzles, some of which make you feel pretty clever for solving (why the hell were there light bulbs in a can?). I'd normally be quick to forgive this and throw a five star rating at the game for its profound and emotional story, but I just can't. If this were a case of like 30% of the game being actual gameplay and the rest being story, I'd overlook it. However, about 95% of this game is the gameplay, and it is extremely tedious. There's next to no challenge, the town itself is just boring and depressing, there's a ton of backtracking, and I felt so burnt out by how dull this entire game was that it actually undercut the emotional moments in the story itself because I was still coming down from the frustrated boredom of having walked around the same five thousand rooms looking for one key to unlock a door to get another key, jiggling every locked door in the building, ad infinitum. There were some moments that made me visibly say "oh that's disgusting," but those were few and far between. The only praise I can give this game's gameplay aspect is the fact that it's a quintessential example of the excellence that is ps2 level design. That pseudo-metroidvania style of level design you find in games like old school Resident Evil, Devil May Cry 1 and 3, Ninja Gaiden Black, etc.
Overall, this game is excellent as a story. However, I would be remiss to give it five stars, because at the end of the day, this is a video game. Video games are an interactive medium, and you still have to play them. There is no sweeping the boring chore that is the gameplay under the rug when it makes up the vast majority of your time spent playing this.
On the other, the game is profoundly boring. The entire thing is wandering around, jiggling locks and solving pretty easy puzzles, some of which make you feel pretty clever for solving (why the hell were there light bulbs in a can?). I'd normally be quick to forgive this and throw a five star rating at the game for its profound and emotional story, but I just can't. If this were a case of like 30% of the game being actual gameplay and the rest being story, I'd overlook it. However, about 95% of this game is the gameplay, and it is extremely tedious. There's next to no challenge, the town itself is just boring and depressing, there's a ton of backtracking, and I felt so burnt out by how dull this entire game was that it actually undercut the emotional moments in the story itself because I was still coming down from the frustrated boredom of having walked around the same five thousand rooms looking for one key to unlock a door to get another key, jiggling every locked door in the building, ad infinitum. There were some moments that made me visibly say "oh that's disgusting," but those were few and far between. The only praise I can give this game's gameplay aspect is the fact that it's a quintessential example of the excellence that is ps2 level design. That pseudo-metroidvania style of level design you find in games like old school Resident Evil, Devil May Cry 1 and 3, Ninja Gaiden Black, etc.
Overall, this game is excellent as a story. However, I would be remiss to give it five stars, because at the end of the day, this is a video game. Video games are an interactive medium, and you still have to play them. There is no sweeping the boring chore that is the gameplay under the rug when it makes up the vast majority of your time spent playing this.
This is a horrendously painful game that is almost begging to be save scummed. I will personally kidnap every developer, tie them to a chair, and force them to watch boring French art house movies for three days straight so they can feel even a fraction of the pain I experienced playing this pure torture.
10/10 go play it, it's excellent. I love the gore, unique boss fights, and destructible environments.
10/10 go play it, it's excellent. I love the gore, unique boss fights, and destructible environments.
1998
Good lord, what a game. There's really nothing quite like the Metal Gear Solid series. The way the gameplay and story meld together in such a way is just special, and had never been replicated in quite the same way (aside from MGS 2 and 3 of course). This game has an amazing story, good atmosphere, and gameplay that is decent most of the time but aged like milk (specifically a few of the bosses and some combat encounters). Psycho Mantis, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, and Rex are some iconic boss fights that still holds up as thrilling engagements. Liquid's three phases and "Deepthroat" (hehe) were downright frustrating though. Especially that awful turret section at the end... protip: use first person view for that turret section.
There were some memorable sections as well, like the torture section that actually tortured you, the player. This was brilliant, if not physically painful. There are also sections like the comms tower chase, which was a memorable moment for the wrong reasons because they bring out the game's jank in full force.
As an arcade stealth game, it's serviceable, but there isn't as much stealth gameplay as I remember there being. It's mostly an action game against a myriad of bosses and crazy encounters, interspersed with the occasional lackluster stealth section and tedious backtracking. It's especially poorly paced in disc 2, when it's just balls to the wall action until the game is over. Overall, a great game, but I prefer the sequels.
There were some memorable sections as well, like the torture section that actually tortured you, the player. This was brilliant, if not physically painful. There are also sections like the comms tower chase, which was a memorable moment for the wrong reasons because they bring out the game's jank in full force.
As an arcade stealth game, it's serviceable, but there isn't as much stealth gameplay as I remember there being. It's mostly an action game against a myriad of bosses and crazy encounters, interspersed with the occasional lackluster stealth section and tedious backtracking. It's especially poorly paced in disc 2, when it's just balls to the wall action until the game is over. Overall, a great game, but I prefer the sequels.
2002
A fun short arcade style romp with a ton of replay value. It's very forgiving and plays almost like a cross between Max Payne and God Hand. The aesthetics are peak mid ps2 era vibes. I wouldn't be surprised if someone made a handful of breakcore songs based off the soundtrack either.
I was surprised at how well they pulled off stylish third person shooting without copying Max Payne. The only complaint I have is the one healing boss and the absolutely atrocious camera angles, but ps2 games are required by law to have terrible camera angles.
I was surprised at how well they pulled off stylish third person shooting without copying Max Payne. The only complaint I have is the one healing boss and the absolutely atrocious camera angles, but ps2 games are required by law to have terrible camera angles.
1991
Going from the original NES/GBA Castlevania games to this one is like leaving an abusive relationship. Don't get me wrong, it's still a very difficult game, but the challenge in the first 2/3 of the game is extremely fun and fair, and you're properly equipped to handle most of the extremely difficult things the game throws at you. However, the final few stages return to the abusive ways of the old Castlevania games with unfair enemy placements that require memorization and extremely long boss rushes that were just begging to be save scummed. Overall an S tier game in terms of gameplay, atmosphere, and graphics. It's a shame they never utilized the 8-directional whip again, because it seems like a wasted mechanic with regard to future games.
Massive glow-up from the Adventure. I would've given it a 3.5, but the last two bosses were so ridiculously hard that they almost required you to see the future rather than react to established attack patterns. Overall, decent experience.
2020
Fuck this game. My hands are gnarled, I'm pretty sure my lifespan has been reduced by several years, Gabriel put me in adult diapers for the rest of my life, and I'm one minor inconvenience away from breaking down into nothing but a blathering mental patient, surrounded by walls covered in cryptic sigils that were smeared in my own blood.
9/10 go play this game.
9/10 go play this game.
Good game, but if bullshit level design were an art, the devs for this would be Michelangelo.
1987
Very technically impressive game for the time but I just can't, it's too boring.
2009
Bayonetta, like most Platinum games, is a very fun, but deeply flawed experience. Unlike its cohorts (i.e. Devil May Cry 3 or Ninja Gaiden Black), Bayonetta constantly interrupts the flow of the game with cutscenes during missions, as opposed to the beginning and end of a mission. The cutscene's role in this game goes from being a welcome reprieve from the action to experience a simple yet well-fleshed out story, and instead becomes an annoyance that will constantly return to pester the player right when they reach proper momentum in the gameplay to continue delivering a nonsensical, hard-to-follow story. Of course, some of these cutscenes have instant death quick-time events which come out of nowhere to punish the player for having the audacity to mentally check out. Aside from the cutscenes, the action is solid (if inconsistent due to certain enemies not following the rules of witch time), and the stacy-tier protagonist keeps things entertaining with her flambouyant antics and varied moveset. The graphics and art style are fine, but there is so much filtering over the game that it lends itself to a fever-dream atmosphere. To be fair, this is a common hallmark amongst seventh gen games that had to hide the fact that they came out on inherently limited hardware, but Platinum games is a pretty big offender with this, especially with Metal Gear Rising and Vanquish. The soundtrack is perfect for this type of game, filled with frenetic bubblegum pop that will get stuck in your head despite not understanding any of the lyrics. The gameplay also has a tendency to be punishing and full of trial and error moments that will lead to many a quick and cheap death on the first playthrough of a mission, not just from combat but also traps and quick-time events that are not telegraphed prior to occuring. This, combined with the overly strict ranking system (this game is quick to give anyone a stone award, they aren't lenient in the awards system so you'll either get a stone or gold/platinum award and rarely get the ones in between), can lead to feeling enraged at the end of the level when you see Enzo's stony form gracing your screen. That being said, Bayonetta is not a bad game by any means. It just suffers from the unchecked, scattershot ambition of a man like Hideki Kamiya and a developer like Platinum Games.
In a stunning coup de grace, all-American developer Berkan Deneziaran opens up a riveting cinematic thread in the Half-Life universe by positing the question: who or what would Gordon and Alyx run into when Half-Life 3 inevitably comes out and they go to the Borealis? This game is filled with challenging gameplay reminiscent of the Dark Souls series (one could even call this the "Dark Souls of Half-Life". The main character Mitcher has the exaggerated swagger of a HECU soldier. The reveal of the antagonist Adam is a plot twist on par with the likes of Shutter Island and the Sixth Sense, where it turned out Bruce Willis had hair the entire time. The villain's death was made memorable as he uttered his iconic catch-phrase, "Mitch, Please!"
Talented and morally upstanding voice actors Sky Williams and Pyrocynical join the star-studded cast alongside President Keemstar.
The level design explores a bold new frontier in terms of gameplay, and immerses the player in the world of the visually impaired by refusing to put proper lighting in most areas, rendering the player unable to see.
I look forward to the GoldSrc port of this masterpiece.
Talented and morally upstanding voice actors Sky Williams and Pyrocynical join the star-studded cast alongside President Keemstar.
The level design explores a bold new frontier in terms of gameplay, and immerses the player in the world of the visually impaired by refusing to put proper lighting in most areas, rendering the player unable to see.
I look forward to the GoldSrc port of this masterpiece.
2019
This was a very fun game about blowing things up with a giant robot. The story is hilarious and over the top, the explosions are satisfying, the soundtrack is incredible and unique with its funkiness, the graphics look great for a game made in 2004, and the missions are really fun. However, this game also has some serious issues. The difficulty curve is all over the place. The game is either way too difficult, or stuck on easy mode once you get the higher tiers of machine guns and bazookas. If you grind the early missions a little bit, you'll unlock the best guns in the game by upgrading your research all the way to the top for machine guns and bazookas. This is an automatic way to win the game, and completely neuters the experience. That being said, the game is far too unforgiving without these weapons because it kicks you to the beginning of the level if you fail. There's really no "happy medium" when it comes to the difficulty, so it ends up being as satisfying as a wet fart. This is not the "tough but fair" FromSoft challenge that you'll get with their other games. The final boss was also complete garbage. He's far too difficult to fight fairly, but taking pot shots at him from behind a piece of level geometry makes the boss far too easy. Thus, emblematic of my entire experience with the game. It still gets 3.5 stars because it's still a ton of fun, and the cheesy story and voice acting made this fever dream of a game live in my head rent free. Plus, the game is set around the current year and our next president will be our 47th, so I'm looking forward to president Michael Wilson, 2024!
Ascension 4 20 69 2 9 11 17 38 80 08 13 5 42 86 7 53 0 9 24 25 0 11 34
2021
Pretty good, but I'd wait for a sale because the game has serious performance issues and crashes, and it's only three hours (to be fair, it has decent replay value).
SHE'S REAL TO ME