I awake in a cave. I walk up to a guy. "Fight me", he says, "but not to the death". He punches me until I die. It was from this moment I knew I was cursed.

I awake in a cave. I have re-allocated all my stats to punching harder. I walk up to a guy. "Actually we don't need to fight". Awesome.

Fallout 2 is way more finished than 1. That is to say, it is finished at all. Quests and cities are way better. There's much more sex. Every encounter has 60 enemies and 30 allies (making the combat take at least 8 years). The wasteland is a tough place - any child born with an Agility stat of less than 12 is immediately killed.

Being a punchy guy I am incredibly weak for 90% of my blind fumbling crawl through the videogame. I die repeatedly. This is the only game where I am extremely elated to hit 1/3 hits on a 73% hit chance. I like to imagine that every time my character dies I awaken in that same cave and retrace my steps until I inevitably blow myself up in a hurricane of shit trying to kill a rat in a toilet.

My tribal grug player character has immediately started doing Monty Python references and saying shit like "the narwhal bacons at midnight" the moment I hit the first town. At other points he says shit like "Door? What is door? Me live in tent what is door?". I find this a bit odd. But he's trying his best. My first companion who is here to investigate a slaver, doesn't seem to care that I've just bought my second companion from that same slaver. Luckily the slave is soon destroyed in milliseconds as I try to use a grenade with a thrown skill of 14.

At this point I can walk in any of 5 directions. I end up walking to the place where I get my semen guzzled out by a machine to store in a sperm bank. I knew I made the right choice.

At the remaining 10% of the game I suddenly cannot be defeated in combat by anyone ever, and I do 90 billion damage per punch, because I am awesome. As long as my fist doesn't run out of batteries.

Ultimately there's still a lot of leftover jank that it's hard to justify not fixing in a sequel - the fact that you have to open doors manually, the fact that I still can't see any of my items on the floor ever in any universe, the fact that companions can still choose to lock you inside a bar by piling on the entrance like my stupid dog in front of the kitchen door. The biggest problem is really the extremely long combat sequences - who the HELL wants to fight 20 wolves? All that being said it's still an immediate and obvious upgrade to Fallout 1. Hopefully they will make more!!! LOL!!!

In 2014, not knowing anything the Resident Evil series in general being primarily a European PC boy brought up on Counter Strike and World of Warcraft, I bought this game on a whim (probably on sale) and played it for an hour. Then proceeded to not touch RE for 8 years and was skeptical to touch it even when I started getting into singleplayer games. That's the kind of damage dropping this kind of insane garbage onto the market does. Still, I'm sure it doesn't compare to the pain someone who actually liked RE in the first place felt when opening this on release day, assuming they of course were still delusional about 5 not being "that bad" at the time.

Development dollar for dollar, hour for hour, possibly the worst game ever created. Almost definitely the worst game ever dropped by a major developer in a major series. Insanely bad. Look up every bad word you know in a thesaurus and peruse the synonyms - this game very likely fits all of them. Think of the worst game you know and I am almost certain that this is worse. Devil May Cry 2 at least has the decency to end in 5 hours. They HAVE to make this shit non-canon if they want to ever continue with the classic RE characters beyond remakes. They HAVE to delete this game's existence on our current timeline. You HAVE to not play this game.

It's so tragic that so many models, weapons, enemies, designs, unique animations and setpieces with the size and detail of entire games on their own are so utterly wasted on this co-op action drivel parading around with a name that honestly would have preferred being shot dead than taken hostage like this. This game is straight up offensive. I take offense at it.

Leon's campaign, to be fair, is just more RE5 but with an even more nonsensical story. At this point the game is bad. The game is bad the moment it starts - let me make that clear. But it's just bad. It didn't hurt me or my family.

Chris' campaign is basically a Call of Duty level. I do not know why they did this. Piers has no motives, no background, nothing that isn't related to the fact that Chris exists and he's awesome. Piers will survive. I'm sure he will be fine. This is the action movie bullshit that starts with 4 turned up to its logical endgame - more and more and more Gears of Honorfield Killzone whatever the fuck. Fuck it, it might as well be a Halo level. At this point I am pissed. I am mad. I am struggling to understand with my tiny peabrain why this game has turned out this way. I Google and Google and Google the same question over and over again. "Did Capcom really make this? That Capcom?". The answer remains the same. I am angry about it.

Jake's campaign is the funniest, because Jake and Sherry basically feel like self-insert OCs by an obsessed writer." uh yea.. he's like.. the lost son of the epic guy.. and he can move really fast and he's like.. special and awesome.. and the female falls in love with him instantly because he's sooo epic.... and he's actually really sarcastic and aloof and awesome.. *flips knife in mid air* I'm a mercenary..". At this point I'm laughing. That's despite it not being funny. I am miserable, and it's a trauma response. A whole chapter cannot be completed in co-op due to a gamebreaking door that has just remained in the game for over a decade, despite Capcom finding the time to go back last year and patch out the quicktime events from RE5, which I know I already commented on my RE5 review, but is such an insane factoid that I don't feel bad mentioning it again.

Agent's campaign is awesome and clearly the highlight. Name one single character in the REverse that has stronger feats than Agent. FTL travel, teleportation, intangibility, invisibility, Ant-man powers to crawl up Ada's ass. Who can defeat him? They should add this guy to Dead by Daylight.

Every one of these campaigns intersect. "Wow, that's pretty cool". Shut the hell up, that's not cool at all. It means once you get to your third campaign half the remaining game to you is replaying the same boss fights. By the time you get to the last campaign you can probably predict every single level. That's not even touching on the fact that the overarching story itself barely makes sense. It's an idiot plot. Both in the definitive dictionary sense and in the sense that whoever wrote it is in an idiot. "You have unlocked Ada for additional gamemodes". No one is playing that. No one will game that videogame.

The achievement for completing this game on Normal difficulty on Steam currently has a 12.8% acquisition rate. This game is not hard, to be clear - it is possibly the easiest RE to date. It's just really that bad. If you take the gameplay and polish it a little (first of all maybe don't make the sprint button the contextual action button), and put another name on it, and put it in like, another game, with a different story, you could quite possibly scrunge up enough gamejuice to reinvest into a solid 2.5. That's the absolute best case scenario. I wouldn't hold my breath. Actually I would, but it'd be an attempt to die.

Here's some of my thoughts (I beat Leon, Chris and half of Sherrys campaigns):

• This is the worst mainline resident evil game.
• This is the longest resident evil game (probably). This is a bad thing.
• You WILL play this with a friend. It will STILL not be fun.
• I played a scripted chase sequence for like an hour because the requisites for completing it were very funny. The epic action set piece that could have been a cutscene turned into a literal chore. This bit required no actual skill from the player.
• I spent every single mission (40-60 minutes each) praying that the end would arrive.
• Positive note - Leon's partner had a fatty!

Genuinely, don't play this game.

I can't stay away from this shit for more than a few months. I get Trails withdrawals, I start shaking, I get headaches, I try other JRPGs and I go to another village across the map in the middle of a story beat and I expect random NPC #84 to have new dialogue for me. They don't. Why would they? It's an insane thing to do, and yet it's just the standard in Trails. I don't know what kinda psychopath keeps making this. It's like fucking crack. Oh you didn't pay attention to the dilemma of an elderly NPC in the tavern actually overlapping with a solution given by the gardener in a different city that only exists for one single story step? You missed it? That's a sidequest gone. Idiot. You're an idiot for not doing it. I love that. I'm not being ironic. That's peak RPG.

Barely over a week ago I wrote a review for Persona 5 that said that gaming (implicitly referring to the japanese roleplaying kind, might I add) "has yet to find a good way to hide elemental weaknesses and then show them later". Then I play this shit and they immediately solve it. That's fucked up, man. You're fucking with me at this point. I'm pissed off they've done that.

I sit down to play a game. I ask what the story's about. You tell me it's a bunch of misfits in the found family trope. You slap me across the face. I start crying. You say it's framed in a buddy cop universe. You punch me straight between the eyes. I pass out from the pain. And yet all I feel is happiness. At one point a gruff elder police officer who's been "getting too old for this shit" says "I might just have to admit you're a half decent cop" and I got up in my apartment so fast it scared my roomba and started pacing around the entire living room while clapping so hard I lost all feelings in my hands. You might as well have told me these streets aren't what they used to be. I might have had a seizure.

The biggest (arguably only) weakness this has is that it's basically a sidestory and can't really decide how much it wants to commit to that. Bringing back familiar characters in a slightly awkward way. Not awfully so, but in a way where it definitely feels slightly inorganic. Don't get me wrong, I am the fan getting serviced, and I love my little beloved sprites I already played as for 100+ hours, but the game on its own might honestly stand better without it.

A game that has effectively taken every single system from the first and fleshed it out tremendously.

FO2 added sex.
That's fucking awesome :'D.
There's a formula to determine how good you are at sex, as follows:

(CH 50 + EN 25 + AG 13 + ST 12)
------------------------------------------------------------ + (SEX PERKS) > 9
100
I studied this formula meticulously, to craft the ultimate sex pest.

I started by fluffing the male porn stars in New Reno for most of August.

Depending on how much you fuck, you can receive various reputations regarding it. There's an option to use a condom if they're in your inventory. I ensured these devices of Moloch were never on my character. I ensured my obj_sex_rating was as high as possible at all times. Once I had sex ten times, I was delighted to find out that my sexual dialogue improved and I was given the "Gigolo" title. My addiction to Buffout and Jet was wearing me down, and the "poison" debuff in my mouth and groin did me little favors.

I eventually fucked a mob bosses daughter. I subsequently told her mom, who proceeded to tell me she was better in bed. My sex stats gave me more pillow talk options, in which I asked about her husband. I later decided it was in our best interest to kill the entire Mob Family (the daughter and my unborn child were caught in the crossfire - RIP)

I eventually bet my anal virginity to a super mutant over a game of arm wrestling. I woke up with a ball gag in my inventory. I got so mad that I decided to blow up an oil rig.

Also, I wrote like a real 6 paragraph review and then deleted it to post this one instead.

This is the good Sonic game. All the Juice went to this one. Sonic 1 and 2 Feel like beta tests for Sonic the Hedgehog 3, and also Knuckles.

There's so many weird mechanics in this it almost feels like a Kirby (& Knuckles) game. That's the highest compliment I could possibly give a 2d platformer.

I have yet to discover why so many... special people... are into this franchise. So far they are just decent platformers with very good 16 byte arcade graphics that nintencan't. I don't know when the inflation diaper crowd came in. I tremble in both anticipation, fear & Knuckles to find out.

Tails is gone. Tails is back. He's gone. he's dead.
Tails only contribution to this game is to be a burden. He contributes nothing. He breathes my bubbles. He crumbles my platforms. He does nothing to deserve being at my side. He's the worst partner I could have ever asked for.

I couldn't imagine playing without him.

This game is less hell than Sonic 1. The final boss however is Moloch.

Confidant who is hyperfocused on burning ants: Alright Joker... it's a deal then... I'll be your ant burning friend from here on out
*flashback animation*
My sexy hag prosecutor: You must have had some kind of insect combustion expert on your team.. who was it!! TALK!!!!
Me, popping a stiffy so hard I'm about to pass out: i think i hauve mental shutdown syndrome

Great game, ultimately still strictly worse than the other 2 modern Personas if you care about anything else than presentation. Concept is great - who doesn't love silly Lupin heists? The story immediately drills into the core of Planet slop at the start of the Medjed arc and doesn't recover for more than brief moments of JRPG cheese (I like the gooey cheese though). All the Social Links (that's what they're called man) are pretty good, but none are really great unless it's like the two that I missed. The soundtrack? It's great. The UI? Okay this might get assassins sent after me but to me it's very busy for a UI and I think it's a bit overrated in terms of being the be all end all of design for that reason. It is beautiful though.

I really like the additions to the combat system, despite it all feeling a bit overtuned - I died like three times in my entire playthrough and 2 of them were due to not having high enough damage and 1 of them was me nuking myself on a reflect. The baton passing, extra elements and Social Link buffs really help One More stand out as Not Just Press Turn But Worse (it still is worse, but you know, it helps, and it's fun).

Honestly after P3 the whole time management system and Social Links kinda feels tacked on to the other Persona games. Like it was meant for that game in particular and makes total sense with the theme whereas here they are just... systems that surround a JRPG. If that makes any sense. If I'm crazy you can shoot me in the head.

I stopped at the third semester. "Why"? I shouldn't have to justify that. Why didn't you? You should explain yourself. The story is over. If you continued to play for 30 hours you don't care about story do you? You don't give a shit about storytelling at all. You just care about characters and seeing them interact in little set pieces. You're a poser. You just want to play with dolls in your head because the cast functions as premade OCs for your fanfiction when you can't write your own. You're having the Phantom Thieves step in for real relationships in your life. You're pathetic. Sorry.. sorry about that. I don't know what came over me. Forgive me.

Nitpicky Rant Minor Spoiler Asshole Lightning Round:
- I think JRPG creators have realized 60% of people only play the first act and that's why a lot of modern JRPGs are frontloaded nosedive halfway in. Much research to be done here.
- Morgana has decided 30% of my nights simply can't be used for anything
- Please do not give me insanely overpowered DLC items for no reason you crazy bastards
- Why are we still pretending Persona protagonists can be self insert? Please just name him next time. He's stuck in this weird limbo where he's an unvoiced blank slate but also randomly will have lines. Give it up Atlus.
- Could not fuck Akechi Goro
- Morgana cat form? Cute. Cuddly. What a little guy. Love him. Morgana Metaverse form? I'm going to kick him over a building.
- Ban all localization from saying "kek"
- Having the optional dungeon turn mandatory in the final act is insane, it didn't affect me but for those it did I am so sorry
- The in media res flashback structure contributes absolutely nothing other than to do a "Ohhh I actually forgot crucial details" plot twist, it's basically just there to be there
- "The Councillor" Tarot? Really? Come on.
- The final dungeons(s) are basically completely disconnected from the theming of the rest of the game which makes them seem really out of nowhere and lame
- Like 3-4 instances of Japanese being spoken but no subs anywhere. "Just play in English" Haha, no, obviously. Don't be fucking stupid
- Demon negotiation is actually just SMT But Lame
- We have yet to find a good way to hide elemental weaknesses and then show them later and this is no exception

Why did they do this? Why did they do any of this? Where is the residence, where is the evil? What is anyone talking about?

This game starts you off in Africa. Every moment you have in this game is the theoretical peak, because it's never gonna get better. From the first 6 seconds you spend figuring out how to control your character (the answer is you do not) it's all downhill from there. 10 hours of straight downwards spiral until the survival horror game eventually is completely lost in a sea of call of duty action slop. I don't know when you leave Africa. The sequence of events that occurred in this game both imply that you are no longer in Africa, but also never implies that you left Africa. At some point you go to a fuel factory that produces fuel, puts it in canisters, then promptly incinerates them. If you looked at this story with serious analytical eyes, you might be honestly inclined to believe it's genuinely meant to be presented as a dream sequence.

After 15 years someone from Capcom came back to this game on Steam and randomly removed all the quick time events, but all the cutscenes still look like they have them. This is very funny. I don't even know how they did that. It is the videogame equivalent of watching a sitcom with the laugh track removed. I laugh and I laugh. I stop laughing soon. It's not funny.

It genuinely feels like someone read a 1 page summary of Resident Evil 4, looked at the sales numbers and said WOW! WE GOTTA DO THAT AGAIN! MAKE EL GIGANTE AGAIN!!!! Then they gave it to the developers who were so excited that they could use the PS3's 1 trillion cores to render reflections in sunglasses that they forgot to code a videogame. It's absolutely everything I didn't like in 4 turned up to 11 and the rest of the game left behind in brackish swampwater to rot and fester for eternity. It's kinda RE tradition to have the last act be dogwater but this is even more piss than usual.

My friend and co-op partner played this many times before. I asked him why. He started staring at his hands, repeating the question. Why? Why? He stared at the sky. Why did he play it? I still don't know. He won't speak to me anymore. Just keeps replaying it. He spends 6 hours a day on the boss that only dies to the RPG, but he refuses to use the RPG. I hope he gets better soon.

While placing a giant spoonful of delicious cereal in my mouth I proudly declare that this series will never go back to its roots and become good again.