Okay, actual review time.

If you've been following the excellent saga that is 'random Irish guy writes shitty one-liners about video games' the beloved spinoff to 'random Irish guy writes shitty webnovels inspired mostly by video game plots as well as whatever was in the Spotify playlist that day' you'll know I wrote an actual review of Portal , and thought it was just okay. A decent demo of new tech with a fun enough plot even if the momentum based puzzles were a bit jank in areas. But everyone said Portal 2 was the great one and god damn they were right.

Right from the beginning when Wheatley wakes you up and the world starts crumbling around you as Glados notices your presence, in psychics showcases that to this day are extremely impressive looking, with dialogue that's genuinely funny as you talk to two parties who absolutely hate each other, going through more fun puzzles that feel more tightly designed than in one.

Then the big halfway twist happens.

I'm not gonna go too in detail on how you end up in the abandoned part of aperture, because I knew what the twist was and was still shocked at it. But the second half leads to the game's greatest strength.

atmosphere.

Every part of this game oozes atmosphere thanks to the more varied settings, getting to traverse with portals outside of the first games testing environments for longer periods of time. The prerecorded messages as funny as they are deeply unsettling. I do have a personal phobia of both abandoned places and the whole 'upload your brain into a machine' concept so maybe this whole thing spoke to me on a deeper level, but god damn if I wasn't creeped out the whole time. This has scared me more than basically any horror movie I've ever watched, and the plot and premise probably wouldn't be that hard to rewrite into a dreamworks film, which adds to the game's artistic qualities.

So in general, it's a masterpiece. You didn't need me to say that. Only flaw is some of the later puzzles last a tad too long, and the orange gel kept sliding me just besides my portal instead of into them (or maybe that's just me getting filtered by first person gaming again)

Oh yeah, Yakuza 4 time!

After finishing Yakuza 3, the game considered 'the bad one' and having a decent time with it, I was excited for the rest of the series going forward. This one also looked interesting, because Kiryu was sharing the spotlight with 3 other guys this time round. Stories that take place from multiple perspectives are my jam personally, so I was looking forward to this.

Part 1: Akiyama rules

So the game starts with Akiyama, and holy shit this starts great. He's charming, he's suave, he's smart. His kicking based fighting style and jazzy soundtrack reminded me heavily of Sanji from One Piece, so it was great to play a game like that without it going 'uhm acktually there are women here you can't play this guy' every five minutes. His thing is lending money to people who interest him, so most of the side content revolves around that, with nearly all of them being great, stuff like the apprentice and the money bath quest especially. Not to mention his plot of tracking down a lady while investigating a murder and getting tangled in the larger plot. It starts and end great while leaving off on a great tale for the next guy. Not a thing I'd change about the plot here. 10/10. Hopefully the next guy is even half as strong

Part 2: Saejima drools

So then the player moves onto Saejima, Majima's old partner. Okay, this seems cool. Starts off in prison with Hamazaki from the previous game, while intrigue of private prisons and corrupt cops runs abound. Narrative seems cool seeing as this guy killed 18 dudes (right?), let's see how the first combat encounter goes oh my god it sucks it sucks so hard who designed this.

Saejima's gameplay revolves around charging attacks. Not my favorite if we're being honest, seeing as Yakuza games are at their best when it's one guy against an army like a classic martial arts movie. So having Saejima just be like 'okay gimme a sec' for most of his stronger moves didn't feel right to me, especially with the prison escape sequence he does feeling awkward with a terrible boss fight. I mean three terrible boss fights. I mean the same terrible boss fight done three times. But then you get to Okinawa, experience possibly the worst scene in the game, do a decent boss fight, and leave for Kamarocho, and get to do funny side activities from the perspective of a guy who hasn't seen in city in 25 years, kinda like Kiryu in the first game and oh no wait the city is on lockdown, you have to fuck around in the sewers, and then do one boss fight in a cage match(this scene is actually good tho) and then almost directly move on to another boss fight (also pretty good) afterwards, and that's basically Saejima. Some neat writing, why does the gameplay suck so much. 3/10. Hopefully the next guy is decent.

Part 3: Tanimura is decent

Next up is Tanimura, a rookie cop who notices something's up within the force, and is on his way to figure it out. I like his story, it's mostly around the man who killed his father, while also delving into the plight of immigrants in Japanese society. I liked the twists here, and his side content is also great. It mostly seems to focus on larger chains such as him figuring out the truth about his father, as well as the training missions tying into a mystery about tracking down a killer, it's all great stuff. His combat is also pretty good, being more focused on parries and restraints, fitting for a police officer. Thing is, his chapter 4 boss dies, but he finds a traitor in the force, which'll be his great conclusion and entertaining boss fight. (foreshadowing is a narrative device yadda yadda yadda) 8/10

Part 4: Kiryu is also here

Kiryu is once again dragged into the scheme practically wearing a shirt saying 'SERIES CONTINUITY' on it. He shows a lot of personal growth here, choosing to opt for peace and forgiveness when a villain from the previous games calls for his aid, and he's back in Kamarocho before you know it. His plot is pretty much the connecting tissue that unites the Yakuza 4 (get it?) before the finale. It's where the emotional gut punches start, and all of it is classic Yakuza goodness. But it's also where the flaws in the plot start. The less said about rubber bullets the better, and the plot has a lot of 'this guy betrayed that guy BUT THEN he got betrayed by the other guy working for that guy' to the point you'll probably need a flowchart or something to keep up with who's betraying who. But anyway, the pieces are all moving, the villains are making their play, and it's time for the explosive finale.

Part 5: Who designed this finale

With all four together, it's time to hit up the tower and conclude things. This game ditches the gauntlet of goons you face on your way to the boss, but that's fine, as long as the finale is good.

Akiyama fights the guy from Tanimura's plot. Okay, bit odd, but Akiyama didn't really leave anyone to fight in his own plot, so it's whatever. Fight's fun and satisfying, thumbs up.

Saejima's fight is also pretty good (read: easy to cheese) against a person he has emotional connection to who you honestly feel kind of bad for. It's a decent fight.

Kiryu and Tanimura is awful

Kiryu's is your standard shirtless tower brawl, only made to be as annoying and unfun as possible. He has constant armour so you can barely do anything to him, blocks and dodges constantly, and has a move that I swear just makes shit phase through him which he also uses constantly. You can't even land a light combo on him before he goes 'nuh-uh' and pummels you into the dirt.

But Tanimura's fight, HOLY FUCK. Straight up, everyone involved with making this fight should be blacklisted from the industry. It's one thing to gave the main boss be a guy with a gun who takes cheap shots at you from a distance. It's another to give him bodyguards. It's another to give him a bodyguard count in the double digits who proceed to combo you constantly. But finally, they block and dodge constantly so you can't get a decent hit in, and even when you do that's when the gun comes back. Not the worst boss fight in Yakuza (Neo knockoff from 1 still takes that one) but still, dear god. Finale gets a 4/10, the story concludes nicely.

Overall, Yakuza is a game that's pretty consistently great, but the low points are among the lowest of any game I've played. averaging out my scores lands the game at a 6.6, but that feels too low, so it's like an 8. The vibes are good, it's (mostly) more Yakuza goodness, and I'm looking forward to 5

persona 3 was a game with identity, intent, purpose, intentionality, heart, and, most importantly, creativity. i don't enjoy the lot i've been cast in life where i have to play bad versions of persona 3 and say why they're bad, whether it be the answer, portable, or this. reload is not just a bad remake of persona 3, it is a bad game that tells an interesting story in a ho-hum and pedestrian way. it takes so many narrative risks and choices from the original presentation and either waters them down or overly explains them to make sure the lowest common denominator doesn't have to interpret art. even divorced from its source material, this game fails to create a gameplay experience worth investing time in. as a remake, it fails to capture what persona 3 meant. as a JRPG, it is a dull affair with little challenge or complexity. persona 3 reload fails to be worth the effort it takes to play it.

the design doc of persona 3 reload had a very clear goal: leave no one behind, whether it be in story or gameplay. this results in story cutscenes being more explicit and less interpretive (compare the opening FMV with yukari) and gameplay that refuses to obstruct the player in meaningful ways. to be more specific, reload sacrifices any need for the player to become competent with its systems to make sure that anyone can beat this game. theurgy makes the game brainless and poisons basically every boss fight (ken can get a theurgy skill a little over halfway through the game that casts mediarahan + samarecarm + tetrakarn + makarakarn on the entire party). resource management is embarrassingly easy to trivialize (yukari can cast media for literally 1 (one) SP; there is a veritable buffet of SP items that you can trip over in daily life for little to no investment; theurgy overall negates the importance of SP and running out of SP is not the death knell it could be in orginal). social links as a whole are extremely easy to manage both due to point requirements being lower to accommodate for needing to spend more days on new content like linked episodes. hell, remember persona fusion? now it's been greatly dumbed down such that even triangle fusion isn't available anymore. this game is a concession that persona 3 was too ambitious and needed to be toned down. this is a remake that asserts that persona 3 did too much and tries to do less instead.

i'm not even beating the dead horse that is my opinion on party control because there's so many more issues to address. on basically every level, this game has either simplified or deescalated the complexity of its mechanics to accommodate a mainstream audience. i don't think there's inherently anything wrong with making persona 3's systems more accessible, but i think these capitulations go overboard and rob the game of compelling gameplay moments. there are no bosses in the game that truly force me to approach a challenge in a new way or think outside the box in the way that bosses like change relic did. every boss in this game is made longer to accommodate for theurgy damage values without any sort of intelligent design to make the fights feel more exciting for that length of time. boss fights are longer and easier because it's more cinematic to see mitsuru skate around and use her theurgy instead of letting the player use their own competency-based skills and strategy to end the fight. i am not the person who's going to cry that atlus sold out or whatever, but i am the person who's going to tell you that persona 3 reload feels like an undercooked experience because it consistently refuses to ask anything of the player. this game is easy, this game is simple, and this game is uninteresting.

above all else, this game begs one question: who on earth is telling atlus/sega that persona games need to be longer and have more content? persona 3 was a game that had a slowburn start that reload now turns into a bloated nightmare. everything takes so much longer in reload and everything feels more belabored, so i can't blame anyone for getting burnt out or even fucked off from this game's plot by the time things start picking up steam. on top of this, a lot of the new slice of life content wastes so much of the player's time. why do we need multiple scenes dedicated to kenji's performance on job day? i remember when saying that persona 3 was 70 hours felt like i was talking about this gargantuan piece of art. meanwhile, in reload, i hit 70 hours somewhere between september and november. these games do not need to be this long, and it actively ruins the experience to do so. persona 5 being a triple digit hour experience was a bad thing, not something to aspire to.

it's hard to not be at least a little offended because, whether or not P Studio intended it, they have basically hollowed out what made persona 3 so unique, so special. reload looks drab and unimpressive in UE4, and so much of the moody visuals get lost in the graphical fidelity. iwatodai dorm feels too bright, and then when january rolls around, they make the color scheme so muted that it is genuinely comedic. and there's just some really baffling and ugly visual decisions they made, like how everyone in club escapade stands motionlessly in pose. meanwhile, lotus juice has his fingerprints all over the OST in a way that just doesn't work ("mindin' my biz, so mind your own biz"). persona 3 was more than just a game with impressive systems that engaged the player, it was also a piece of art that had an aesthetic that gets lost here. this game feels completely identity-less when compared to the original because the original was both a deconstruction and a hybrid of genres. in many ways, reload doesn't just fail to live up to that artistic intent, it outright doesn't seem to know it was even there in the first place.

and i get it, as a fan of persona 3, my opinion has a giant asterisk at the end of it. why listen to a star wars fan tell you about why phantom menace is the worst movie ever? i will own up and openly admit i expected this game to be bad and had greatly wanted it to not exist. i had a feeling atlus would fuck it up somehow. i don't like being right about that. at the same time, i think there are missteps here that would stand out regardless of familiarity with the source material. yukari's edginess is completely deleted from her character here and she now just sounds and acts like chie on vyvanse rather than a girl with abandonment issues and trauma. fuuka got turned from "weird girl who serves as the empathetic core of the cast" to "girl who could have a thrilling conversation about spoiled milk". and reload isn't the first time akihiko's been sanded down to "protein fanatic who trains a lot", but it's probably the most offensive here. wouldn't it be really fucking funny if, the whole time you were studying with him, akihiko was doing something wacky like squatting above his chair instead of sitting normally?

these characters have been reinterpreted so much that they've lost their core identity that was integral to the plot of persona 3. i don't get the feeling that i'm seeing akihiko or mitsuru, i instead sense that i'm getting how someone interprets them after nearly 2 decades of fandom and spinoff content. yukari still has those "mean" lines but they lack any emotional root, so they come off as nonsense mood swings rather than a scared girl lashing out. and i'll just say it, karen strassman clears the fuck out of dawn bennett when you compare the final aigis monologues (fwiw, in both these instances, i blame the direction, not the VAs). these characters have been done better and it's really jarring that reload tries to flatten them rather than give them more dimensionality.

there's room to broadly interpret these characters, but constantly trying to make a self-serious character like akihiko the butt of a joke that he's in on speaks to how much he's being mischaracterized here. when akihiko was in a comedic scene, it was because he was the straight man, not because he was a this big goofball constantly playing to the crowd. these characters don't feel like themselves in a profound way, and i'd have to wonder how much that comes across to anyone who hasn't played original. does akihiko just seem like a wildly contradictory character to new players? truthfully, i have no idea if any of these people would've resonated with me had this been my first exposure to them.

i don't hate all of reload's new content wrt characterization, and i honestly really liked some of the stuff they added for shinjiro and ken. but there's just as much that is unnecessary and outright bad. when we said they wanted more backstory on strega, we didn't mean that we wanted you to turn takaya into another akechi. if you're going to remake persona 3, why even bother if you're going to do such a disservice to its characters and setting? sure, you made some of the UI stuff look neater and more Persona 5-y, but what does that meaningfully add to the experience? when i saw the trailer for reload, i immediately asked myself "what does the water motif have to do with persona 3? why is the main character sinking into water? what are they going to do with that?" and it turns out they just wanted a cool main menu animation and nothing else. i want to say that P Studio was just misguided, but some of this content is so actively bad that it makes me wonder if any of them even liked persona 3. so much of this feels like it's trying to fix something that isn't broken, like it's an apology for the source material. this isn't a persona 3 remake for people who liked persona 3. but, then again, who else was it supposed to be for if not people who wanted another persona 5? persona 5 is the new cash cow and my dread for this being a P5ified version of persona 3 was well-founded.

i kept trying to go "how would i feel about this game if it wasn't a remake of a game i love?" and that's an impossible question for me to answer. i can never know because i will never play this with the eyes and ears of someone who didn't play the original. again, as much as i've come to detest this game, i don't have it in my heart to give this a lower score, mostly out of pity, but also out of overcorrecting my harsh opinion as a fan of the original. still, i think many of reload's failings come from a place of trying to simultaneously be a remake and game for everyone. i don't think it's wrong for games to put off people. in fact, the best games often aren't for everyone because they can't be. P Studio emphasized making a game that was so mainstreamed and accessible that it would never present any obstacle or mechanic that could alienate players at the cost of making a game that players could actually be engaged with. i can't think of a broader way you could miss the mark with a persona 3 remake.

‘This game is fucking awezome’ - sincerely, the zombies
I barely replay games, idk why but whenever i try replaying something i just can't! Not even games that i love like Hollow Knight or Subnautica. There is one game that i replay often tho and that is plants vs zombies. Pvz is also a game that has a special place in my heart simply because it was the first game i ever played. As you can tell by the title, in Pvz you have to defend your house from zombies by using plants. You have a couple of rows where you can place your plants, and each plants costs a certain amount of suns which can be gained with plants that generate sun and if you're on a level with sunlight, sun will sometimes fall off the sky. The game has a total of 5 areas, each one containing 10 levels, one of them being unique, and on the last level the plants cost no sun but instead a conveyor belt gives you the plants. The day area is very generic but its whole purpose is pretty much being a tutorial, and it serves it really well. The unique level here is bowling BUTT with wall nuts, explosive wall nuts and zombies, pretty damn awesome if you ask me. The night area is similar to the day but there's a catch. Since it's night sun won't fall out of the sky and sunflowers generate sun slower, using the sunshroom is obviously the most effective way to gain sun in this area. There are also gravestones scattered around the yard which spawn zombies on the last horde and you can't place any plants on them unless you use a grave buster which is unlock on the 3rd level in the night area. On the unique level here you beat the shit out of zombies that spawn on a grave with a hammer and i personally found this to be the best unique level in the game.All the plants that you unlock in this area start sleeping when you try to use them on an level with daylight unless you use a coffee bean which is unlocked on the last area.
This area also has the dancing zombie which is one of the sickest enemies i've seen in any videogame.
The third area has a fricking pool! To place most plants on the pool you will have to place a lily pad . Unlike in the other areas you have six rows this time. The unique level here is a conveyor belt level except this time the zombies are really small and faster. Zombies will also emerge from the pool on the last horde of the level. The fog area is the same as the pool area except this time is at night and there's a fog. The fog keeps you from seeing on which row the zombie is coming from and obviously which zombie it is. You can remove the fog by using 2 planterns or the blover. The unique level has a bunch of vases that you have to break and in those vases you either have a plant or a zombie. Also the conveyor belt level here straight up makes your screen black and you can only see when a lightning strikes. The final area is the roof. On this area you have to place a vase to place a plant. The unique level here tho kinda stinks, its basically a conveyor belt but with only chompers (one of the worst plants), pumpkin, vases and cherry bombs. Some plants here like the peashooter are kinda useless. The final level has the only boss fight of the game and i would say that they nailed it, you basically fight this giant ass robot that can spit fireballs and ice balls, throw vehicles at you and spawn zombies.
These different areas and unique levels are also really great ways to keep the game from getting stale.With so many plants available there's a ton of different ways to beat levels which gives pvz a lot replayability (ok now i see why i replay this game so much lol). The game also has a dope enemy variety, there are zombies:that ride dolphins, miner zombies, zombies that fly using a baloon, a zombie on a pogo stick and much more.
Oh and how can i forget about crazy Dave! He is your only human friend in this whole game, you can also buy a bunch of stuff from him. Pvz also has a bunch of minigames such as the one where you place zombies instead of plants or the one where the zombies have the head of plants. Another thing that pvz brings to the table is a garden zen and that shit is just dope as fuck. One of the best parts about this game is the music, mowing down zombies with lame music would be lame.
I would get 54 different kind of strokes if i tried to make a ranked list of my favourite songs from this game since they're all so good! I find it funny how this game looks miles better than pvz3, a game that came out much later!
Do i have any complaints about this game tho? Well after a long time of thinking, my only complaint is the 5th level on the roof annnndddddd yep that's it. I've seen ppl complain about the game being too easy but for me it wasn't a problem.
Even with my nostalgia glasses off i still think that pvz is an amazing and charming game, who needs crack when you can watch a bunch of plants tear down hordes of zombies. Oh and the sequels must be good right? Right?
This game is not only great, its CRAAAAAAAAZY
10/10