One time 3 years ago my brother-in-law asked me what my favorite Fallout game was and I said "New Vegas" and he said "ah, I can't play something that old" and now once a week I spend like 5 minutes imagining a version of that day where I ruin my dad's birthday dinner by giving a detailed explanation of why that betrays a deep lack of appreciation for games as a medium. Anyways I feel pretty confident saying that New Vegas is the only consistently fantastic and interesting Bethesda-published RPG that came out after 2003 or maybe ever

A good action game that I have some gripes with (the camera can be finicky and a few of the enemies don't react as viscerally to damage as I'd like), but honestly the Boo-Haunted-House design of the environment and enemies elevates this quite a bit. Massively appreciate that Dante is just going around acquiring these priceless, ancient artifacts that have been lost to time and then just uses them to open doors. In every mission you'll retrieve like "The Stone of Infinite Wisdom" and then put it in a hole to make a spooky statue slide out of the way and I think that's excellent.

Imagining this being played by its target audience, but, more specifically, a version of myself who is young enough to be the target audience. I download it at the age of 8 and barely survive the first 19 minutes because of the terrifying Viva Pinata bird. Minute 20 hits and I come face-to-face with Jumbo Josh; his goofy fucking face comes out of the darkness and I start absolutely screaming. I am not okay. My mom bursts into the room and asks what's wrong and then gets really annoyed when I tell her it's because Garten of Banban scared me and we get in an argument over how she knew she couldn't trust me not to play something inappropriate and I get sent to my room. Later on that night I hear my mom say "this is why the computer isn't good for him!" and my dad starts arguing back about how I'm a growing boy. They're screaming now at each other and usually that would already be upsetting but it's even worse because all the while I'm fucking terrified that Jumbo Josh is going to burst into the living room and kill them both. I go to school the next day and all the kids have just watched the Markiplier playthrough of Garten of Banban 2 and they ask me what I thought of it and I sheepishly say I'm not allowed to play Garten of Banban and one of them calls me a pussy and gets sent to the principle's office for it and the whole class hates me. I didn't even rat him out someone was just around to hear him say it but they all still blame me. On the way out to the busses at the end of the day I walk by a kid wearing the $59.99 "Banban's Party" backpack you can buy from a link on the game's main menu and I see Jumbo Josh and start freaking out again. Was going to rate this one star but I'm mad now because this could have happened to me so now it's getting half a star.

I honestly feel like ULTRAKILL works as well as it does partially by virtue of giving the player so many tools and such a compelling moveset that even if you're not that great at executing the game's more advanced tech (I can not reliably punch the railgun's drill from enemy to enemy like I know you can, I think I've done it successfully once), having a good understanding of "how to play" ULTRAKILL will make you feel like you're incredible at it.

If you're reliably switching weapons, staying in the air, spending what time you do have to be on the ground sliding, and thinking on your feet about which enemies to prioritize/how to regain lost blood, the style meter will literally start screaming "OH!! LOOK AT YOU!! LOOK AT THAT! LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID! THAT WAS SICK!!" and rewarding you with insanely crunchy enemy kill sfx and screen freezes. Even in a world with Doom Eternal I feel like this is absolutely the best character action-style shooter I've played due to that alone.

kicking and screaming and crying and pounding a hole through my wall because I couldn't use the Burial Blade on my first play-through but otherwise I feel like this may be the single most perfect FromSoft game I've played as far as its mechanics and narrative are concerned; this is the Soulslike where the ambient storytelling of trying to piece together a bunch of little clues from item descriptions, snippets of dialogue and environmental clues felt the most satisfying. The combat is at its peak, the rally system is a fantastic way to make the more highly paced combat work, and god!!!! Every trick weapon!!! Every piece of armor!!!! They're all fucking fantastic!! My only real complaint, and the thing that keeps it from being a 10/10 in my book, is that I feel as if my time in the base game was spent waiting for a boss that would actually blow me away, and that just never really came. There are highlights! But by and large I feel like the really good fights lie in The Old Hunters, and honestly? I'm cool with that.

When I was 6 my grandma wouldn't let me put Lego Island on her computer because she thought it "might have a virus" since I got my copy from the library and then burnt it (a process which, in her mind, invited potential digital dangers). Instead I had this to keep me occupied and it potentially saved me from running into the street and dying in an attempt to find SOME source of stimulation other than the bible or the three Nickelodeon shows I was allowed to watch. Good fun, nice sound effects, 3 stars.

The absolute essence of a character action game. Playing through Devil May Cry 1 I was told that if I liked the Nelo Angelo fights then I would find a lot to love in 3, but I honestly think that kind of undersells just how fucking good this thing feels to play, even outside of the Vergil fights, which are absolutely the best bits. The style meter being a lot more lenient than in the first game, the way more enemies stagger and respond to your blows, the fucking "ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! BREAKDOWN!" when doing Million Stab, the genuinely compelling familial drama at the heart of its story.... it's a good video game! Might honestly end up getting bumped up to a perfect 5/5 when I revisit it on hard mode/as Vergil. I've been told that Swordmaster and Gunslinger make it even more interesting (my first character action game was Bayonetta and I feel lost in this genre without a dodge so like a pathetic little whelp I played Trickster my whole run) so I fully expect to just end up enjoying this more on return visits.