BlueTigerSide
2018
This review contains spoilers
People are at their worst when they're sure they're in the right.
A game about the love between the homies and how much cooler being a private eye is compared to being a silly old lawyer.
Technical foibles are absolutely unreal - on the one hand it's clearly because they're pushing the PS4 to it's absolute total limit with one of the most moody, cold and beautiful renditions of Kamurocho to date, but on the other it makes playing it a pain in the ass. The input delay in this might be the worst a RGG game has ever felt to me. I'd imagine running the remastered version of this on a PC with some kind of Reshade or whatever is the ideal way to play this, maybe?
But underneath all that - this bad boy's got a rock-solid narrative that eases up on the hot-blooded Passionate Battles Between Men melodrama the rest of the series is known for and instead goes for a serial law thriller melodrama; colder and cooler in a lot of places, but still with plenty of yelling and some Passionate Battles Between Men here and there. With a consistently strong soundtrack, the aforementioned moody gorgeous Kamuro, and a more 'classical' martial arts-inspired fighting choreography, it's one of the more aesthetically powerful entries in the series.
Yagami is a great protagonist; brittle in ways Kiryu or the other Yakuza boys aren't, but also maybe the most clever leading man they've had. Kiryu and company are akin to wandering knight-errants, solving people's problems and then disappearing into the crowd of Kamurocho - but Yagami lives in the city, and as such he relates, explores and is a pillar of it in a way nobody else really is. (I enjoyed the substory finale immensely in this - a much better reward for your efforts than throwing Amon at you and fucking off.)
I did find myself thinking about how funny + dope it is to play as Takuya Kimura as a RGG protagonist, though - it made me imagine a world in which we get a game where Tom Cruise runs around and solves murder mysteries, eats at McDonalds to replenish his HP, and engages in an NFL teambuilding minigame for the sake of 100% completion. Judgment 3, maybe?
Shoutouts to the sorta hilarious final boss in this, who comes across as an inexplicably effective Mass Murderer cop; the idea of a killer cop achieving a kind of Ultra Instinct-focus purely through wanting to kill as many people as possible is basically exactly what I wanted as the final obstacle in this game about how the institutions in our society tend to fail us.
A game about the love between the homies and how much cooler being a private eye is compared to being a silly old lawyer.
Technical foibles are absolutely unreal - on the one hand it's clearly because they're pushing the PS4 to it's absolute total limit with one of the most moody, cold and beautiful renditions of Kamurocho to date, but on the other it makes playing it a pain in the ass. The input delay in this might be the worst a RGG game has ever felt to me. I'd imagine running the remastered version of this on a PC with some kind of Reshade or whatever is the ideal way to play this, maybe?
But underneath all that - this bad boy's got a rock-solid narrative that eases up on the hot-blooded Passionate Battles Between Men melodrama the rest of the series is known for and instead goes for a serial law thriller melodrama; colder and cooler in a lot of places, but still with plenty of yelling and some Passionate Battles Between Men here and there. With a consistently strong soundtrack, the aforementioned moody gorgeous Kamuro, and a more 'classical' martial arts-inspired fighting choreography, it's one of the more aesthetically powerful entries in the series.
Yagami is a great protagonist; brittle in ways Kiryu or the other Yakuza boys aren't, but also maybe the most clever leading man they've had. Kiryu and company are akin to wandering knight-errants, solving people's problems and then disappearing into the crowd of Kamurocho - but Yagami lives in the city, and as such he relates, explores and is a pillar of it in a way nobody else really is. (I enjoyed the substory finale immensely in this - a much better reward for your efforts than throwing Amon at you and fucking off.)
I did find myself thinking about how funny + dope it is to play as Takuya Kimura as a RGG protagonist, though - it made me imagine a world in which we get a game where Tom Cruise runs around and solves murder mysteries, eats at McDonalds to replenish his HP, and engages in an NFL teambuilding minigame for the sake of 100% completion. Judgment 3, maybe?
Shoutouts to the sorta hilarious final boss in this, who comes across as an inexplicably effective Mass Murderer cop; the idea of a killer cop achieving a kind of Ultra Instinct-focus purely through wanting to kill as many people as possible is basically exactly what I wanted as the final obstacle in this game about how the institutions in our society tend to fail us.
2022
This game could do Aldia, but Dark Souls 2 could not do Starscourge Radahn. Keeping it real for the #RingSquad.
1998
The new generation will proclaim that this game is dated and boring because it doesn't let you 'Romance' a menagerie of different fetishes, the new generation will proclaim that this game is dated and boring because it's a relic of its time with goofy ass real-time DnD combat, but real money hustlers will recognize that the game is about instilling the value of grinding and rising. Sarevok and your PC are in a race to see who can go harder, move smarter, think wiser, stack more, talk less (or better).
Hard to dislike. It wears its heart on its sleeve, and even if it is a dorky sleeve sewn by a grandmother, can you really hate on that?
Hard to dislike. It wears its heart on its sleeve, and even if it is a dorky sleeve sewn by a grandmother, can you really hate on that?
A seminal text. A game that reveals to you exactly who you are. Marvel 3 is not a mirror held up to reality, but a hammer with which to shape it.
You don't play Marvel, Marvel plays you.
You don't play Marvel, Marvel plays you.
2012
White boy acting crazy...but that's what you need to get the job done sometimes.
Cain is one of the coolest characters forgotten about from the 7th gen.
Cain is one of the coolest characters forgotten about from the 7th gen.
2010
A game that's impossible to truly rank. It's a prime example of what happens when every single person working on something goes berserk, simultaneously.
Among all of the truly baffling decisions with this (really fun to play) game, the two that stick out the most in my mind, all these years later:
- Why does every single new protagonist have at least one scene where they come across as a total scumbag that feels almost contradictory to their ultimate portrayal, whereas Kiryu is now completely shonenpilled and comes across as a 15-year old JRPG protagonist?
- There's one scene where one of the many, many antagonists show up and talks with Saejima, and in this one scene the antagonist is wearing a suit that is a clear mirror of Kiryu's iconic dumbass white suit and maroon shirt ensemble look. The antagonist is clearly being portrayed as someone who's trying to rise up in estimation and become a new Kiryu (a thematic thread that runs through the whole game), but then the antagonist wears his usual clothes for the rest of the game. The whole scene basically just sets up a boss fight for much later in the game. They made a completely new model for him with the suit and everything and used it once. I have never stopped thinking about this scene.
Among all of the truly baffling decisions with this (really fun to play) game, the two that stick out the most in my mind, all these years later:
- Why does every single new protagonist have at least one scene where they come across as a total scumbag that feels almost contradictory to their ultimate portrayal, whereas Kiryu is now completely shonenpilled and comes across as a 15-year old JRPG protagonist?
- There's one scene where one of the many, many antagonists show up and talks with Saejima, and in this one scene the antagonist is wearing a suit that is a clear mirror of Kiryu's iconic dumbass white suit and maroon shirt ensemble look. The antagonist is clearly being portrayed as someone who's trying to rise up in estimation and become a new Kiryu (a thematic thread that runs through the whole game), but then the antagonist wears his usual clothes for the rest of the game. The whole scene basically just sets up a boss fight for much later in the game. They made a completely new model for him with the suit and everything and used it once. I have never stopped thinking about this scene.
1998
It's a cool game, but it's absolutely insanely funny that the same general people behind this game would end up making the Xenoblade series. Comparing the most sexual moment in this game (arguably) - a scene where two people end up confessing their love, spend the night together, and you see one of them naked in bed - versus literally a second of Xenoblade 2 or 3, is so fucking funny.
Has a great first act and generally sticks the landing. You can forgive Fei for sitting on a chair for ten thousand hours in the 'middle act'.
Has a great first act and generally sticks the landing. You can forgive Fei for sitting on a chair for ten thousand hours in the 'middle act'.
2006
Truly fucking sick - not least because it actually has a narrative that manages to feel insanely complete with most of the legwork being done by the atmosphere, music and the ridiculously evil-ass feeling that runs through everything. When you start getting into it and knowing exactly what you're doing, you come across as Michael Myers with a better batting average.
Agent 47 is not very interesting as a character in the sense that I would necessarily watch a movie about him (they made two) of them!) or whale on him in a gacha or whatever the kids do with characters they care about; but as a professional? I am beyond fascinated. Much like the most endearing trait he shares with Geralt of Rivia, another workin' man, Agent 47 is massively competent at what he does - with the game rewarding you for competency first and foremost - and he takes a clear satisfaction and pride in his work. Beating a level, seeing the results screen to the serene sounds of a job well done and then a newspaper article acting like a performance review (do poorly and you're nothing but a crazed gunman, do well and you're an unstoppable silent force, if not so untraceable that there's nothing TO report but an accident) is all you need to get into the exact same cold, clinical headspace that 47 has. Work is work, money is (blood) money, and 47 is good at it. Truly one of the best 'villainous protagonist' games ever made.
That's not to say the narrative is necessarily poor on it's 'own', though; even if the general tone of every other character (especially some of the side-characters in the missions) get corny and maybe a little too early aughts, it's all offset by the fact that it helps build up the world 47 inhabits as this absurd carnival of misery and terrible people. There's a 'rival' character in this game - shall we say - who is done superbly, and the finale is an ALL-TIMER.
The controls get wonky at times (regardless of what you use, in my experience) and the opening unskippable tutorial mission is...real bad, for plenty of reasons. Blemishes on an otherwise perfect shiny bald head. He makes it look so easy.
Agent 47 is not very interesting as a character in the sense that I would necessarily watch a movie about him (they made two) of them!) or whale on him in a gacha or whatever the kids do with characters they care about; but as a professional? I am beyond fascinated. Much like the most endearing trait he shares with Geralt of Rivia, another workin' man, Agent 47 is massively competent at what he does - with the game rewarding you for competency first and foremost - and he takes a clear satisfaction and pride in his work. Beating a level, seeing the results screen to the serene sounds of a job well done and then a newspaper article acting like a performance review (do poorly and you're nothing but a crazed gunman, do well and you're an unstoppable silent force, if not so untraceable that there's nothing TO report but an accident) is all you need to get into the exact same cold, clinical headspace that 47 has. Work is work, money is (blood) money, and 47 is good at it. Truly one of the best 'villainous protagonist' games ever made.
That's not to say the narrative is necessarily poor on it's 'own', though; even if the general tone of every other character (especially some of the side-characters in the missions) get corny and maybe a little too early aughts, it's all offset by the fact that it helps build up the world 47 inhabits as this absurd carnival of misery and terrible people. There's a 'rival' character in this game - shall we say - who is done superbly, and the finale is an ALL-TIMER.
The controls get wonky at times (regardless of what you use, in my experience) and the opening unskippable tutorial mission is...real bad, for plenty of reasons. Blemishes on an otherwise perfect shiny bald head. He makes it look so easy.
2016
Hitman is an inspirational franchise about learning to utilize, adapting to, and eventually mastering white boy swag.
Wearing the suit only as a final challenge for myself during the final level in this ended up leading to maybe my favorite kill in the series. Here's hoping the two sequels to this have some that beat it.
Wearing the suit only as a final challenge for myself during the final level in this ended up leading to maybe my favorite kill in the series. Here's hoping the two sequels to this have some that beat it.
Straight up the best KOF's been in years.
Hum. Idiota. Yo tengo el poder de Orochi.
Hum. Idiota. Yo tengo el poder de Orochi.
2016
This review contains spoilers
When the suicidal alt chick and the blonde with huge tits team up and form a lifelong friendship, after a little help from the single most bumbling old man ever seen, you know they can make anything happen! Let's go ladies!
I remember the kickstarter for this game and how odd it felt to see a Clock Tower-related thing be presented as this sleek, slick Nu-Age Kickstarter Killer App. It must not lose it's soul, I remember thinking. Which, when playing it, it most certainly fucking did not!
This whole game is like if you transported a cornball game released for the Dreamcast into the modern age, with all that that entails; just the most baffling, incredible nonsense you've ever seen. The main characters are the most atypical protagonists ever (the suicidal alt chick is like actually 100% obviously suicidal, it's her fucking main character trait, and the entire cast gives her the nickname the Deathwish Diva and treats her like a loose canon cop), the gameplay lends itself to natural B-horror schlock (a QTE to avoid a slow table comin' atcha that then fucking KILLS ANOTHER GUY WHO SAW IT COMING), it's RELENTLESSLY broken and buggy, and a story that manages to completely shock me with it's final villain reveal - it's almost on par with Armstrong for me when it comes to how fucking insane it is (almost).
The Scissorwalker, designed by Masahiro Ito, looks cool as fuck and is surprisingly sad and pitiable - which also feels at odds with the rest of the game. In one moment you're feeling sad and marvelling at how dope the Scissorwalker looks, the next you're avoiding the funniest QTE you've ever seen.
The pacing is also just so fucking bad. The first part is a gag-a-minute insane shlockfest - and then you compare that to, say, the part where you're fucking around an island slowly with no real atmosphere other than 'Island'. This is of course a plus, because it enhances the feeling of playing a lost game from ages ago that suddenly came into being.
A guy who looks EXACTLY like Ninja Theory's Dante dies from a vending machine eating him. There's a conveyor belt chase scene that had me laugh so hard I almost cried. There's a baby doll scare that looks like a Garry's Mod joke video. There's so much. This game is a certified winner.
When you get the best ending and the two unlikely friends and heroines look out towards the horizon, that's true video game magic baby. Absolutely a perfect successor to it's spiritual parent. Run, don't Scissorwalk to get this game!
I remember the kickstarter for this game and how odd it felt to see a Clock Tower-related thing be presented as this sleek, slick Nu-Age Kickstarter Killer App. It must not lose it's soul, I remember thinking. Which, when playing it, it most certainly fucking did not!
This whole game is like if you transported a cornball game released for the Dreamcast into the modern age, with all that that entails; just the most baffling, incredible nonsense you've ever seen. The main characters are the most atypical protagonists ever (the suicidal alt chick is like actually 100% obviously suicidal, it's her fucking main character trait, and the entire cast gives her the nickname the Deathwish Diva and treats her like a loose canon cop), the gameplay lends itself to natural B-horror schlock (a QTE to avoid a slow table comin' atcha that then fucking KILLS ANOTHER GUY WHO SAW IT COMING), it's RELENTLESSLY broken and buggy, and a story that manages to completely shock me with it's final villain reveal - it's almost on par with Armstrong for me when it comes to how fucking insane it is (almost).
The Scissorwalker, designed by Masahiro Ito, looks cool as fuck and is surprisingly sad and pitiable - which also feels at odds with the rest of the game. In one moment you're feeling sad and marvelling at how dope the Scissorwalker looks, the next you're avoiding the funniest QTE you've ever seen.
The pacing is also just so fucking bad. The first part is a gag-a-minute insane shlockfest - and then you compare that to, say, the part where you're fucking around an island slowly with no real atmosphere other than 'Island'. This is of course a plus, because it enhances the feeling of playing a lost game from ages ago that suddenly came into being.
A guy who looks EXACTLY like Ninja Theory's Dante dies from a vending machine eating him. There's a conveyor belt chase scene that had me laugh so hard I almost cried. There's a baby doll scare that looks like a Garry's Mod joke video. There's so much. This game is a certified winner.
When you get the best ending and the two unlikely friends and heroines look out towards the horizon, that's true video game magic baby. Absolutely a perfect successor to it's spiritual parent. Run, don't Scissorwalk to get this game!
1994
Truly rocks. The skeleton and the weird tree enemies in this one are so incredibly endearing. John/Jean-Alfred deserves to go down as a legend in the dudes that rock inexplicably-pantheon.
2014
This review contains spoilers
Demon's Souls: Absolute power corrupts absolutely, only way to avoid it is to give it up despite it's temptation
Dark Souls: The existential disparity of life and death, and the melancholy of existing in between those two states
This game: what evil pussy does to a mfer
The 'tschlorch' hit sound in this game always makes me kind of frown. Why does it sound so unpleasant?
Dark Souls: The existential disparity of life and death, and the melancholy of existing in between those two states
This game: what evil pussy does to a mfer
The 'tschlorch' hit sound in this game always makes me kind of frown. Why does it sound so unpleasant?
2012
I'm part of the D.I.C.K squad. (Dunwall's Ice Cold Killer).
When you play this game like a maniac out for blood, using every single violent tool at your disposal, you end up looking like if Agent 47 had the skillset of Dante. Every aspect of that game absolutely rocks. When you're not playing that game, either because you're trying to pay attention to a plot with a million celebrity voice actors who KNOW this is the easiest paycheck they ever got during 2012 or because, god forbid, you're playing the game without breaking out that knife a single time - shit, is it dull.
It's a shame too, since Dunwall is a fun place and the world it paints manages to evoke a melancholy feeling in me, not to mention the fact that I think the art design and direction is pretty aces.
Your adopted daughter in this game draws four different images based on how much of a nice guy or a bastard you are and they're all (unintentionally) hilarious.
When you play this game like a maniac out for blood, using every single violent tool at your disposal, you end up looking like if Agent 47 had the skillset of Dante. Every aspect of that game absolutely rocks. When you're not playing that game, either because you're trying to pay attention to a plot with a million celebrity voice actors who KNOW this is the easiest paycheck they ever got during 2012 or because, god forbid, you're playing the game without breaking out that knife a single time - shit, is it dull.
It's a shame too, since Dunwall is a fun place and the world it paints manages to evoke a melancholy feeling in me, not to mention the fact that I think the art design and direction is pretty aces.
Your adopted daughter in this game draws four different images based on how much of a nice guy or a bastard you are and they're all (unintentionally) hilarious.
Kind of an apex when it comes to this kind of game - charming, deceptively goofy puzzle game with a cartoony artstyle hasn't been done better yet.
I vividly remember the final hours of this in a way not a lot of other games can manage to make me recall.
I vividly remember the final hours of this in a way not a lot of other games can manage to make me recall.