Elkmane
2011
This shit is beyond perfect. Rocksteady was not human at the time of development. I want to have sex with every line of code in this videogame. And direct me to the catwoman folder i'd like to start there
I added this to IGDB. You're all welcome
this was like peering into an alternate, utopian timeline where the only different thing was that this build was finished and released in 2001. Guess what? no cancer, no hunger, no discrimination, and I became a trillionaire from writing videogame reviews.
This review contains spoilers
This game is like kojima giving fans everything they want but crossing his arms and doing it angrily. Oh? Oh u want to play as solid snake again? U thought raiden was lame? Ok, here, you’re snake and he’s old and lame and has back problems and raiden is a badass lightning ninja cyborg now. Remember snake’s girl from mgs1? Poopy pants Johnny just married her. He’s not as good at sneaking as u are, player, but he is nice. It’s no accident that every other character ends the game dancing and chilling at a wedding together and snake/player is wasting his short remaining days being exposited to. Spending more and more time being stuck within the metal gear story, milking and draining every bit of information from it until eventually the player hates it. The game gives you fanservice the same way eating lasagna every meal for every day wil give u lasagna poisoning. I feel it’s a critique of the culture where everything is theorized and discussed and answers for every mystery are demanded. The game’s so stuck within itself that every boss is a remix of an old one. You literally press x to see pictures of whatever metal gear moment this scene references. I’m not qualified at all to talk about meta commentary and stuff but there’s a part in this game where snake asks why they kept big boss’ body alive. She says “because people need their hero to stay forever” and looks directly at the camera. I don’t think it’s really an avoidable topic when discussing this game.
I love Kojima but this is prob his most flawed dialogue and exemplifies a lot of problems I have with his later games stories. This and peace walker are the only mainline mgs games I’ve never replayed. There’s obviously too many cutscenes and the gameplay segments are mediocre after the first act. The game’s psych meter system is an interesting concept to shift the physical health first aid care system from mgs3 to mental health and make it more about ptsd, but it does quite literally nothing with it. The therapist character on your codec doesn’t even give you therapy she just says to wait in the corner until ur stress level goes down. Or says some shit like “the boss you’re fighting, unhappy armadillo, is unhappy. According to psychology, this is caused by lack of happiness. Good luck snake.” The bosses are terrible and the boss roster themselves have no personality (unless you like their wattpad trauma backstory that is omnisciently told to you by the gun merchant after you beat them) which is such a downgrade from every other game’s boss rosters, every single one of which I would have a drink with. I don’t even drink but I would defile my sacred mouth with the poison that is alcohol just to make fatman or sniper wolf or the pain happy. But there’s much to appreciate with what this game does.
“Don’t waste the life you have left fighting”
=
“Stop playing this video game 😡”
Maybe I’m completely illiterate or I’m projecting but my interpretation is valid and yeah. Also the ray fight and the ocelot fight are amazing. The end. Sry for the serious review.
I love Kojima but this is prob his most flawed dialogue and exemplifies a lot of problems I have with his later games stories. This and peace walker are the only mainline mgs games I’ve never replayed. There’s obviously too many cutscenes and the gameplay segments are mediocre after the first act. The game’s psych meter system is an interesting concept to shift the physical health first aid care system from mgs3 to mental health and make it more about ptsd, but it does quite literally nothing with it. The therapist character on your codec doesn’t even give you therapy she just says to wait in the corner until ur stress level goes down. Or says some shit like “the boss you’re fighting, unhappy armadillo, is unhappy. According to psychology, this is caused by lack of happiness. Good luck snake.” The bosses are terrible and the boss roster themselves have no personality (unless you like their wattpad trauma backstory that is omnisciently told to you by the gun merchant after you beat them) which is such a downgrade from every other game’s boss rosters, every single one of which I would have a drink with. I don’t even drink but I would defile my sacred mouth with the poison that is alcohol just to make fatman or sniper wolf or the pain happy. But there’s much to appreciate with what this game does.
“Don’t waste the life you have left fighting”
=
“Stop playing this video game 😡”
Maybe I’m completely illiterate or I’m projecting but my interpretation is valid and yeah. Also the ray fight and the ocelot fight are amazing. The end. Sry for the serious review.
2023
PT for gay people
2017
look you can give me all these fancy ass magic powers and special grenades that turn anything with a pH value of 9 or above into feathers if u use it on thursday, but if you give me a shotgun and ammo for that shotgun i will use that and nothing else. But this was cool and I enjoyed how u can do whatever even leaving. Ya U can just leave. THats my canon ending bc thats what i would do in this situation. anyways it was pretty sick. Also loved the semi survival stuff. Flying super fast into something and actually getting a concussion??? fucking awesome. what other game lets you get a concussion? i tried to search for lists of games that let you get a concussion but unfortunately I was unable to find what I was looking for. Its a bit more simple than something like deus ex 1 but it feels like deus ex more than deus ex HR so thats got 2 say something.. CYA
2014
Tired of motherfuckers in Olathe telling me, always in the bar, Brad Armstrong ain’t bout this, Brad Armstrong ain’t bout that, they say that fella don’t be putting in no work. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Y'all fellas ain’t know shit! All ya motherfuckers talk about "Brad Armstrong ain’t no hitta Brad Armstrong ain’t this Brad Armstrong a fake." SHUT THE FUCK UP! Y'all don’t live with that guy. Y'all know that guy got caught with buddy, Shootin fireballs at Rando guys and shit. Fella been on probation since fuckin, I don’t know when! Motherfuckers stop fuckin' playin' him like that! Them mutants savages out there! If I catch another motherfucker talking sweet about Brad Armstrong, I’m fucking beating they ass! I’m not fucking playing no more! You know his party roll with Terry Hintz and them.
why r they making doom sad. doom is supposed to be cool and fun
2010
bro i was such a stupid kid, i had no idea how accounts worked so i just made a new one every time i wanted to play. I must have had 100 wolf dudes tied to my mom's email
What i hate is people calling this game tryhard or wannabe edgy. Is it so hard to believe some people are just cool? Am I supposed to hate my awesome life like everyone else? No. I think i'm awesome, i think awesome things are awesome, and im not joking at all. pisses me off. The game is so cool All the guns feel awesome, i love it very much. It has a lot of personality and you can feel zane's real personality slipping in every corner. also learned this is a spinoff of a game called hypnospace outlaw and ill definitely play that too after this. I love the s blade as well as the glass shotgun, which is a very unique way of getting the player to focus on the environment and not just run through it all.
2022
pretty derivative but it was cool. The aesthetic & story is what I sort of have an issue with. it just feels too creepy pasta to me. I guess. Idk. And its just like little cutscenes of an anime chick looking at the camera, or some sentence that is meant to sound esoteric and existential and scary.. Oh turn on the computer spooky sound. IDK man I wish I could get scared easier. If I'm rapping jay z lyrics (family feud) while I'm going thru these halls maybe make ur game more scary. Not trying to brag seriously PT made me really scared but u know. Whatever. The character's name is Elster, which is similar sounding to Elkster, which you guys know is the name my fanbase applies to themselves. The elk army and each of you are elksters. Cause im elk, elkmane to be precise. Peace out
Mushroom zombies is the dumbest idea ever. Why ruin the best monster with a mushroom? I can’t take it seriously at all. Mushroom monsters are reserved for Mario. I can’t be scared of a pizza topping. Not only that, but their face looks like pepperoni. OK I guess theyre going with a pizza zombie theme. But then out of nowhere they start making dolphin sounds. OK buddy... I get you're trying to be different from every other zombie thing but the appeal of zombie things is that they could all happen in the same world.
Like oh im passing thru this house and maybe umm idk Ben from night of the living dead was here. Whatever. The spore thing is stupid too and serves no purpose. I dont like "clickers" and the fact that its impossible to melee fight them more than one at a time. I dont like the puzzles all being ladder or plank or wood pallet and i dont like how close the camera is to your character wtf i cant see anything.
and the camera zooms in dramatically every time you do a melee hit and you get less and less situational awareness and it sucks because these mushroom bitches can one shot you if they approach you but i cant see you because im punching this zombie and i can see about 4 milimeters of my 900 inch 4k tv screen not being taken up by joel, the man with the shoulders of me on steroids.
In fact im gonna go on record as to saying I think this may not even be fixed if it was playable with a keyboard and mouse. I'm sorry to everyone who stockholmed themselves into thinking that videogames are playable on controllers but I feel about 60% in control of my character at any given moment.
I couldve pulled off some badass shit if i was allowed to aim and do an input without pressing up left quarter circle l2 at the same time to switch my gun. Even then the melee system still somehow doesnt understand that we figured out targeting with devil may cry 3 and hell probably before that who gives a shit.
Now im using my last melee charge on this baby normal zombie who cant one shot me and oh look the one shot pizza zombies coming here time to do the whole encounter again. FUCK limited melee weapons i hate them with all my heart let me have a knife or something i swear to you i can smash a baseball bat into someone full force and it'd break on the first hit but that's because i'm extremely strong. if someone like joel were to hit a baseball bat into someone you know it would last for a very long time because it's made of strong wood sometimes aluminum or something not plywood.
Seriously i dont get the obsession with having charged up/limited melee attacks in these arkham knockoff stealth games like this and deus ex HR. What a god damn shit show for real. But yeah now for the good parts. This game is really good, i love the story and the graphics, the writing is nice, i insulted the combat a bit earlier but when it works and you're smashing zombie heads into the wall and punching them into pieces it feels amazing.
I love exploring neighborhoods and stuff and looting its very relaxing and nice. I would love to live in a zombie apocalypse IRL i think it'd be very relaxing just like that.
Yeah so... now for the elephant in the room. Yes I know I had this game at one star before. Why did I give it another try?
well aside from not being able to think about anything but walking dead for the past 6 months, I've been curious as to why so many love this game and think its the best ever made.
And yeah I totally get it now. I'm a man, I'm man enough to admit when I was wrong. I've sinned a lot in my life and I've made plenty of mistakes. I shot my brother, I rated encore higher than to pimp a butterfly, I watched Jane die, but nothing.. nothing will compare to the 9 years I have spent thinking and telling others that this game was bad.
And for that ... I apologize. But I'm thinking... does this make me a normie? am I a normie now? am I gonna line up for the next god of war reboot game? oh pls no. I need to play something patrician and niche to fix my reputation. Shit i think its time i pull out god hand.
Like oh im passing thru this house and maybe umm idk Ben from night of the living dead was here. Whatever. The spore thing is stupid too and serves no purpose. I dont like "clickers" and the fact that its impossible to melee fight them more than one at a time. I dont like the puzzles all being ladder or plank or wood pallet and i dont like how close the camera is to your character wtf i cant see anything.
and the camera zooms in dramatically every time you do a melee hit and you get less and less situational awareness and it sucks because these mushroom bitches can one shot you if they approach you but i cant see you because im punching this zombie and i can see about 4 milimeters of my 900 inch 4k tv screen not being taken up by joel, the man with the shoulders of me on steroids.
In fact im gonna go on record as to saying I think this may not even be fixed if it was playable with a keyboard and mouse. I'm sorry to everyone who stockholmed themselves into thinking that videogames are playable on controllers but I feel about 60% in control of my character at any given moment.
I couldve pulled off some badass shit if i was allowed to aim and do an input without pressing up left quarter circle l2 at the same time to switch my gun. Even then the melee system still somehow doesnt understand that we figured out targeting with devil may cry 3 and hell probably before that who gives a shit.
Now im using my last melee charge on this baby normal zombie who cant one shot me and oh look the one shot pizza zombies coming here time to do the whole encounter again. FUCK limited melee weapons i hate them with all my heart let me have a knife or something i swear to you i can smash a baseball bat into someone full force and it'd break on the first hit but that's because i'm extremely strong. if someone like joel were to hit a baseball bat into someone you know it would last for a very long time because it's made of strong wood sometimes aluminum or something not plywood.
Seriously i dont get the obsession with having charged up/limited melee attacks in these arkham knockoff stealth games like this and deus ex HR. What a god damn shit show for real. But yeah now for the good parts. This game is really good, i love the story and the graphics, the writing is nice, i insulted the combat a bit earlier but when it works and you're smashing zombie heads into the wall and punching them into pieces it feels amazing.
I love exploring neighborhoods and stuff and looting its very relaxing and nice. I would love to live in a zombie apocalypse IRL i think it'd be very relaxing just like that.
Yeah so... now for the elephant in the room. Yes I know I had this game at one star before. Why did I give it another try?
well aside from not being able to think about anything but walking dead for the past 6 months, I've been curious as to why so many love this game and think its the best ever made.
And yeah I totally get it now. I'm a man, I'm man enough to admit when I was wrong. I've sinned a lot in my life and I've made plenty of mistakes. I shot my brother, I rated encore higher than to pimp a butterfly, I watched Jane die, but nothing.. nothing will compare to the 9 years I have spent thinking and telling others that this game was bad.
And for that ... I apologize. But I'm thinking... does this make me a normie? am I a normie now? am I gonna line up for the next god of war reboot game? oh pls no. I need to play something patrician and niche to fix my reputation. Shit i think its time i pull out god hand.
2023
The second best deus ex game
2006
This game made me Alexander the great, cus this is like the best action game I've played since dmc3. It has so much depth, the amount of customization you can put into your move set is so impressive and sick. The bosses are well designed and the enemies are all fun to fight. It's always fresh, new shit happening in every level with quaint gimmicks. The difficulty keeps ramping up and u know. Its awesome. It's kind of hard to review games you like. When it's a game i have problems with it's like whackamole, i hit the problem with a classic elkmane joke and make fun of it, and then i finish the review and rake in the backloggd likes. Alright alright ill keep this one short. This is also the funniest game ive played, ever. Cus like you can bet on chihuahua races and fill ur moveset with different pimp slaps, the credits have a poorly translated rock song with lyrics talking about the moves in the game and all the characters doing stock animated dances. It has personality and soul, but more importantly its fun and funny and good and awesome and shannon calls you puppy and like im not into that or anything but like yknow lets just say i save stated and kept losing to her on purpose for a few hours yknow what im sayin haha im just playing lol im just playing lol
2024
First things first, yes its 4.5 cus I'm upset that negan isn't in this game and I'm doubly upset that the closest replacement is an annoying character who's personality is drinking caffeine, a substance i unironically believe should be criminalized. But other than that this game is everything I could want from a Tekken 8. It's quick and easy to play with friends and there's less downtime between matches, thank god. Tekken 7 was my most played fighting game ever and im here for this games launch i cant wait to see how good i get at this game. Im gonna get so good and beat all of you, just watch.