Soldier4Christ
2024
Animal Well really is a thing you need to experience with a controller in your hands and full focus because it is a living, breathing art piece that sucked me in. I bought this game 5 hours ago and I haven't put it down since. The way everything animated is like drinking cool water on a hot night. Refreshing.
Seeing the previews of this game, I thought "ok big youtuber videogamedunkey is firmly in his 30's and wants to expand beyond making shitposts and make money by becoming an indie publisher". I wasn't moved at all by any of the promotion for Animal Well. I am bored to DEATH of 2D platformers and this game only teased a pleasant art style which is not enough to make me care. Most 2D games all mostly play the same. I'm sleep.
Thing is I got 24.68 on my Steam Wallet, so why not give it a try.
It is a Metroidvania logic puzzler. There are no tutorials in Animal Well. You are left as to guess how you progress forward. It's not Baba is You go FUCK yourself hard. It is quite simple and natural gameplay that leads to bigger and bigger "ah-HA!" moments. The kind where you feel dumb and smart. Smumb. Darmbt. I felt like I was one of those things.
The gameplay mixed with the environments and ambient music just clicked with me hard. I was 45 minutes into the game after being cynical about the whole thing and my brain just snapped after a certain puzzle solution and I realized this game has a hidden power level of cleverness. It is so meticulously well thought out. It's not trying to reinvent the wheel. It just was catered for you to have a good time.
I recommend this game for everyone. I've been in a gaming slump where no new game releases has really excited me, but Animal Well is the game that pulled my brain out of that fog. Not saying it will do the same for you, but if you give it a shot, it just might.
It ain't as good as Hollow Knight, but this is right under that (so far) as a jaw dropping 2D game with content that keeps upping the ante in amazement.
Jamal Dunkey picked a banger to kick off his publishing venture.
Seeing the previews of this game, I thought "ok big youtuber videogamedunkey is firmly in his 30's and wants to expand beyond making shitposts and make money by becoming an indie publisher". I wasn't moved at all by any of the promotion for Animal Well. I am bored to DEATH of 2D platformers and this game only teased a pleasant art style which is not enough to make me care. Most 2D games all mostly play the same. I'm sleep.
Thing is I got 24.68 on my Steam Wallet, so why not give it a try.
It is a Metroidvania logic puzzler. There are no tutorials in Animal Well. You are left as to guess how you progress forward. It's not Baba is You go FUCK yourself hard. It is quite simple and natural gameplay that leads to bigger and bigger "ah-HA!" moments. The kind where you feel dumb and smart. Smumb. Darmbt. I felt like I was one of those things.
The gameplay mixed with the environments and ambient music just clicked with me hard. I was 45 minutes into the game after being cynical about the whole thing and my brain just snapped after a certain puzzle solution and I realized this game has a hidden power level of cleverness. It is so meticulously well thought out. It's not trying to reinvent the wheel. It just was catered for you to have a good time.
I recommend this game for everyone. I've been in a gaming slump where no new game releases has really excited me, but Animal Well is the game that pulled my brain out of that fog. Not saying it will do the same for you, but if you give it a shot, it just might.
It ain't as good as Hollow Knight, but this is right under that (so far) as a jaw dropping 2D game with content that keeps upping the ante in amazement.
Jamal Dunkey picked a banger to kick off his publishing venture.
2023
Friends, loved ones, we gather here today to remember our good friend Hi-Fi Rush
The cliche saying "life comes at you fast" is apt to describe Hi-Fi Rush. It simultaneously announced and released at the end of what I would generously describe as a very mid Xbox game presentation in January 2023 to the delight of half-asleep gamers watching everywhere.
Hi-Fi Rush is rhythm-based character action game that had unique gameplay. It was forgiving to casual audiences so as to acclimate them to rhythm aspects of the game, but had aspects about it that made it the most hardcore character action game out there if you wanted it to be. If you wanted the highest ranking. If you wanted Chai to be holding a real guitar, you had to earn that shit in blood.
The game embraced a fun cast of characters. Embraced a saturday morning cartoon setting and story. It made Xenogears references when half-jokingly describing running out of budget for the last act of the game. It had licensed music from bands like Nine Inch Nails. Hi-Fi Rush was truly a hi-fi rush that made thousands of people think the game was tailor-made for them. Simply by being more in line with what people actually like. It was nice to see as such cases of personality and life being that it was rare to see such on a major publisher level.
Hi-Fi Rush was pushed out into the world to be loved, and to help boost a rapidly dying gaming platform, but actually mostly that first thing...
But mostly that second thing, actually.
The cancer of corporate consolidation and power, a time when optimal financialization is the only language those unrightfully holding the reigns of the industry speak. That is what killed a moderately successful game studio. Lack of passion or enthusiasm didn't kill Hi-Fi Rush. A financial officer running numbers and determining a sequel would make X amount of dollars less than a Call of Duty skin killed Hi-Fi Rush.
So as we lay them down to rest, we celebrate Hi-Fi Rush as it reminded gamers of a time when all games both big and small were released to be enjoyed unconditionally; with the upfront price tag of exceptional games were the beginning, middle and end of what was asked to own it.
Sadly, those days are snuffed out. You must now rent and subscribe to begin to be pumped with complicit, tedious gameplay trends that feel more diluted with every repackaging. Will we die with capitalism? Probably. Shit crazy out here, b.
Whether or not you cherished the life of Tango, or it's products like Evil Within or Hi-Fi Rush, you must understand that gaming on consoles is dead. Dead until the console platform holders release their own Steam Deck and it's probably going to be lame as fuck compared to a Steam Deck if your name is not Nintendo, but whatever.
Rest in peace, Hi-Fi Rush.
The cliche saying "life comes at you fast" is apt to describe Hi-Fi Rush. It simultaneously announced and released at the end of what I would generously describe as a very mid Xbox game presentation in January 2023 to the delight of half-asleep gamers watching everywhere.
Hi-Fi Rush is rhythm-based character action game that had unique gameplay. It was forgiving to casual audiences so as to acclimate them to rhythm aspects of the game, but had aspects about it that made it the most hardcore character action game out there if you wanted it to be. If you wanted the highest ranking. If you wanted Chai to be holding a real guitar, you had to earn that shit in blood.
The game embraced a fun cast of characters. Embraced a saturday morning cartoon setting and story. It made Xenogears references when half-jokingly describing running out of budget for the last act of the game. It had licensed music from bands like Nine Inch Nails. Hi-Fi Rush was truly a hi-fi rush that made thousands of people think the game was tailor-made for them. Simply by being more in line with what people actually like. It was nice to see as such cases of personality and life being that it was rare to see such on a major publisher level.
Hi-Fi Rush was pushed out into the world to be loved, and to help boost a rapidly dying gaming platform, but actually mostly that first thing...
But mostly that second thing, actually.
The cancer of corporate consolidation and power, a time when optimal financialization is the only language those unrightfully holding the reigns of the industry speak. That is what killed a moderately successful game studio. Lack of passion or enthusiasm didn't kill Hi-Fi Rush. A financial officer running numbers and determining a sequel would make X amount of dollars less than a Call of Duty skin killed Hi-Fi Rush.
So as we lay them down to rest, we celebrate Hi-Fi Rush as it reminded gamers of a time when all games both big and small were released to be enjoyed unconditionally; with the upfront price tag of exceptional games were the beginning, middle and end of what was asked to own it.
Sadly, those days are snuffed out. You must now rent and subscribe to begin to be pumped with complicit, tedious gameplay trends that feel more diluted with every repackaging. Will we die with capitalism? Probably. Shit crazy out here, b.
Whether or not you cherished the life of Tango, or it's products like Evil Within or Hi-Fi Rush, you must understand that gaming on consoles is dead. Dead until the console platform holders release their own Steam Deck and it's probably going to be lame as fuck compared to a Steam Deck if your name is not Nintendo, but whatever.
Rest in peace, Hi-Fi Rush.
2012
I played this game on my 3DS in public and a Blood member thought I was throwing Crip signs at him; but I was just trying to juggle pressing buttons in a full 3D movement section with a flat d-pad -- while pinching my freshly dislocated thumb and index finger to hold the 3DS stylus. Blud just killed me in the middle of the street, picked up my 3DS while looting my corpse and became blind because I had the 3D toggled on and he looked into the screen at a slightly wrong angle.
2009
Oh my fucking god I had tears in my eyes from how hilariously racist this game is. The level of incompetence you could get out of Capcom between 2007-2015 was chefs kiss. And momma-mia this game is a spicy fuckaroni.
Great joy comes at the thought of culturally isolated Japanese people not thinking twice about having their zombie game take place in Africa and have the virus operate like Ebola. Don't worry, the main character is an out-of-place porcelain white dude dressed like Team America World Police agent soldier shooterman. The main villain is a nazi who cosplays as a netrunner from The Matrix. This concept will go really well guys trust me.
The actual fucked thing is the game doesn't do anything cool with it's African setting. Just favela-style infrastructure with melanated folks with huge bloodshot eyes. A majority of the game is just bland building structures that could be anywhere in the world. Boring.
Sheeva is a cool character that should have been the main character, but nothing is done with her other than to spout quips and be the living embodiment of "I'm not racist I have a black friend." as Chris tests Stand Your Ground laws by roundhousing a dude into a ramshackle fish market stand.
Aside from mowing down tribalists in wooden masks who chuck spears at you with a machine gun, the game's racism greatly tones down from Chapter 2 on. The game does a good job of making YOU feel racist by having the pacing fun slow way down after you stop slitting the throats of people and dogs in the street in exchange for some brain-dead puzzles and unengaging co-op platforming.
This game doesn't see color, because everything is brown as fuck. This game was peak sepia-toned nonsense. Fear not, because some sections are instead straight-up gray. You were supposed to be impressed by the HD textures and console performance instead of the color palette. Time has been unkind to that choice.
If this game didn't have good co-op for it's time I think this would have been...not as well received. It's co-op is still fun, but I played through the first couple chapters by myself and I was bored out of my mind. The game structure and setting are mind-numbingly dull compared to RE4. The trends it chased didn't pay off.
This is the perfect Steam gift for that divorced uncle who loves bringing up that Africans owned slaves too.
Great joy comes at the thought of culturally isolated Japanese people not thinking twice about having their zombie game take place in Africa and have the virus operate like Ebola. Don't worry, the main character is an out-of-place porcelain white dude dressed like Team America World Police agent soldier shooterman. The main villain is a nazi who cosplays as a netrunner from The Matrix. This concept will go really well guys trust me.
The actual fucked thing is the game doesn't do anything cool with it's African setting. Just favela-style infrastructure with melanated folks with huge bloodshot eyes. A majority of the game is just bland building structures that could be anywhere in the world. Boring.
Sheeva is a cool character that should have been the main character, but nothing is done with her other than to spout quips and be the living embodiment of "I'm not racist I have a black friend." as Chris tests Stand Your Ground laws by roundhousing a dude into a ramshackle fish market stand.
Aside from mowing down tribalists in wooden masks who chuck spears at you with a machine gun, the game's racism greatly tones down from Chapter 2 on. The game does a good job of making YOU feel racist by having the pacing fun slow way down after you stop slitting the throats of people and dogs in the street in exchange for some brain-dead puzzles and unengaging co-op platforming.
This game doesn't see color, because everything is brown as fuck. This game was peak sepia-toned nonsense. Fear not, because some sections are instead straight-up gray. You were supposed to be impressed by the HD textures and console performance instead of the color palette. Time has been unkind to that choice.
If this game didn't have good co-op for it's time I think this would have been...not as well received. It's co-op is still fun, but I played through the first couple chapters by myself and I was bored out of my mind. The game structure and setting are mind-numbingly dull compared to RE4. The trends it chased didn't pay off.
This is the perfect Steam gift for that divorced uncle who loves bringing up that Africans owned slaves too.
2008
This game made a girl I liked all through high school think that I was gay because my friends and I (who were 14) would refer to this game as Asshole Smashers.
We were obsessed with the game and for the longest time we would refer to hanging out after school as "going to go smash assholes" or "gonna go smash" or " have a gay orgy". The Smashing Assholes activity stuck for the entirety of high school; along with 4 years worth of terrible asshole smashing jokes -- that to a completely normal girl who wasn't in on the joke the whole time, might be convinced we were just openly gay and announcing sexual activities from the energy we were bringing to every conversation that involved hanging out and playing video games.
We refused to talk about video games at school without coded language because we went to a Catholic school and our form of rebellion was being as homosexual as possible. The fun part is like five years out of high school, one of my friends from that group announced they WERE gay, which is probably why he used Pink Knight so much. Hell yeah.
Anyway this is Behemoth's best game. You can tell they are not in the biz entirely for money because they could have made like 5 of these and they would have done well.
I wish they would make another. The couch/online co-op game is weak right now.
We were obsessed with the game and for the longest time we would refer to hanging out after school as "going to go smash assholes" or "gonna go smash" or " have a gay orgy". The Smashing Assholes activity stuck for the entirety of high school; along with 4 years worth of terrible asshole smashing jokes -- that to a completely normal girl who wasn't in on the joke the whole time, might be convinced we were just openly gay and announcing sexual activities from the energy we were bringing to every conversation that involved hanging out and playing video games.
We refused to talk about video games at school without coded language because we went to a Catholic school and our form of rebellion was being as homosexual as possible. The fun part is like five years out of high school, one of my friends from that group announced they WERE gay, which is probably why he used Pink Knight so much. Hell yeah.
Anyway this is Behemoth's best game. You can tell they are not in the biz entirely for money because they could have made like 5 of these and they would have done well.
I wish they would make another. The couch/online co-op game is weak right now.
2024
It's pretty good. It's a lil too jank around the edges to be ULTRA REALISTIC. I think this game is the next fix for Rainbow Six Siege players who do alpha male boot camps where you have gay sex eat MRE's on private property in major metropolitan areas; and are subscribed to subreddits where shirtless, ripped men pose with AR-15's. Me? Oh man I am not cut out for the wars they are training me for in this video game. I am a simple man. I am cuck-pilled. I don't even beat my wife nor feel like it. I like her and like being around her as I feel she brings the best out of me. Fucking bitch. I could be out there with The Boys. The men. Feeling rough men in one hand, and a gas powered rifle in the other while pounding Coronas at Chipotle at 11am on a Tuesday. Where did my life go WRONG, bro?
What if you're like a top ranking shooterman in this game and your new objective as last man standing is to hide your body cam footage so it won't be used as admissible evidence in court. Step up the realism. I want to feel the last breaths of air leave a man's body as I penetrate him...with bullets...I kill him with a gun, and he's like "aaaaahhhh" and I'm like "Get cucked nerd!" and afterwards I'm high-fiving my squad bros before realizing I have tears running down my face and....I didn't even...feel them run down...Oh god, oh my god. What have I done? What is this? Who am I? How did I get here? Oh my god ohmygod! FUCK! fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK. I killed the only man I ever loved for the sake of glory in needless bloodshed. FUCK!!! Carlos...you understood me more than anyone. I'll always remember when we met. The first day of Alpha Males For Jesus Christ bootcamp. You looked at me with those sharp, immaculately hazel eyes, with your customized chrome barrel SPAS-12 in your firm hands and said "Sabor a Mi!" with a bright smile as you cocked your shaft....and now I have no one on this earth who I'd care for more than you...
Yeah so anyway Body Cam is alright.
What if you're like a top ranking shooterman in this game and your new objective as last man standing is to hide your body cam footage so it won't be used as admissible evidence in court. Step up the realism. I want to feel the last breaths of air leave a man's body as I penetrate him...with bullets...I kill him with a gun, and he's like "aaaaahhhh" and I'm like "Get cucked nerd!" and afterwards I'm high-fiving my squad bros before realizing I have tears running down my face and....I didn't even...feel them run down...Oh god, oh my god. What have I done? What is this? Who am I? How did I get here? Oh my god ohmygod! FUCK! fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK. I killed the only man I ever loved for the sake of glory in needless bloodshed. FUCK!!! Carlos...you understood me more than anyone. I'll always remember when we met. The first day of Alpha Males For Jesus Christ bootcamp. You looked at me with those sharp, immaculately hazel eyes, with your customized chrome barrel SPAS-12 in your firm hands and said "Sabor a Mi!" with a bright smile as you cocked your shaft....and now I have no one on this earth who I'd care for more than you...
Yeah so anyway Body Cam is alright.
2024
I want to say something about this game because god fucking DAMN this game is good, but I don't know what to say. So I'm just going to ramble. If you hate this review, feel free to tell me to eat a dick in the comments below.
I watched no less than 12 gaming presentations this month. Twelve. All showing off games of budgets and productions both big and small. I am maybe going to buy three or four games of the hundreds I've seen. Metal Slug Tactics, Motordoom, Selaco, and maybe that new Astrobot game. There's more on my Steam wishlist but they don't have release dates or are coming out in 2025, 2026, etc. Trust me, I'm going to be all over Expedition 33 and Deep State when they eventually come out.
There's still a fuckton of games coming out before the end of this year. I'm not excited to touch any of them. It feels like a dumptruck of garbage games were dumped into my brain space and fell out of my ears on arrival. They all look like mid or ass. I been around the block a time or two. I can pick a game apart within 30 seconds of seeing gameplay. That might just be me becoming more picky with what I choose to spend my time with. It might just be that newer video games as a whole are really formulaic and boring. I find myself in a place in life where a game being just alright is becoming more and more of an egregious sin of my time and energy. I love the games industry, and want everyone to be able to eat and live; but if you ask me, the sooner the video game market crashes, the better.
Have I, at the age of 31, crashed out on gaming? Am I too old and jaded to slop down on the new gachas and live services all the people I know play? They are so BORING. I don't feel passion or love or real art. I see indistguishible jerk bait waifus and dead on arrival live services. Am I boomer now? Am I cooked, chat?
No. No I am not. Because I bought Fallen Aces and it put everything into perspective for me.
I have never, in my entire life, gotten such a good game for such a cheap price. Ten dollars USD is the introductory price for Fallen Aces. In return you get to beat the shit out of goons in the most entertaining and creative of ways. I am in love with this thing. It's old school as fuck in the right ways. Every level is packed to the brim with secrets, wise guys that need a good kick the head, and a lot of fucking sharks. It's not even THAT much of a boomer shooter, it's more aligned with an immersive sim where you are beating the shit out goons with your fists or shit you found off the ground. Guess what, beating the shit out of people feels really good.
New Blood are high-key saviors of gaming if your tastes lie outside of what's in vogue in gaming right now. The levels are really well done, the combat is really well done, the difficulty is just right, the humor is tight, the violence is good, the voice acting is pulp-y and stellar. Shoutout Gianni Matragrano.
I am back in the right headspace, baby. After playing Episode 1 of Fallen Aces, I'm more pumped and patient for other things (as sparse as they may be) to come out and enjoy. The market may be crashing, but I'm not. Fallen Aces has been really therapeutic for me in a very real and genuine way.
I watched no less than 12 gaming presentations this month. Twelve. All showing off games of budgets and productions both big and small. I am maybe going to buy three or four games of the hundreds I've seen. Metal Slug Tactics, Motordoom, Selaco, and maybe that new Astrobot game. There's more on my Steam wishlist but they don't have release dates or are coming out in 2025, 2026, etc. Trust me, I'm going to be all over Expedition 33 and Deep State when they eventually come out.
There's still a fuckton of games coming out before the end of this year. I'm not excited to touch any of them. It feels like a dumptruck of garbage games were dumped into my brain space and fell out of my ears on arrival. They all look like mid or ass. I been around the block a time or two. I can pick a game apart within 30 seconds of seeing gameplay. That might just be me becoming more picky with what I choose to spend my time with. It might just be that newer video games as a whole are really formulaic and boring. I find myself in a place in life where a game being just alright is becoming more and more of an egregious sin of my time and energy. I love the games industry, and want everyone to be able to eat and live; but if you ask me, the sooner the video game market crashes, the better.
Have I, at the age of 31, crashed out on gaming? Am I too old and jaded to slop down on the new gachas and live services all the people I know play? They are so BORING. I don't feel passion or love or real art. I see indistguishible jerk bait waifus and dead on arrival live services. Am I boomer now? Am I cooked, chat?
No. No I am not. Because I bought Fallen Aces and it put everything into perspective for me.
I have never, in my entire life, gotten such a good game for such a cheap price. Ten dollars USD is the introductory price for Fallen Aces. In return you get to beat the shit out of goons in the most entertaining and creative of ways. I am in love with this thing. It's old school as fuck in the right ways. Every level is packed to the brim with secrets, wise guys that need a good kick the head, and a lot of fucking sharks. It's not even THAT much of a boomer shooter, it's more aligned with an immersive sim where you are beating the shit out goons with your fists or shit you found off the ground. Guess what, beating the shit out of people feels really good.
New Blood are high-key saviors of gaming if your tastes lie outside of what's in vogue in gaming right now. The levels are really well done, the combat is really well done, the difficulty is just right, the humor is tight, the violence is good, the voice acting is pulp-y and stellar. Shoutout Gianni Matragrano.
I am back in the right headspace, baby. After playing Episode 1 of Fallen Aces, I'm more pumped and patient for other things (as sparse as they may be) to come out and enjoy. The market may be crashing, but I'm not. Fallen Aces has been really therapeutic for me in a very real and genuine way.
2024
DISCLAIMER: This is a re-edited review of Stellar Blade. Just telling you now, I'm going to be talking about more about the dark sides of gooner culture than the game itself because Stellar Blade is a lynch pin for things I find fascinating about the internet as it stands in the month of May, 2024.
We been spendin' most our lives living in a gooners paradise.
I am fascinated by Stellar Blade and what this game might mean for the future for video games. It's going to sound like I hate this game, but I don't. I think it's Fine™.
If it wasn't obvious, this game wants to be Nier Automata Souls Asura's Wrath Bayonetta. The intro of the game is VERY similar how Asura's Wrath started just swapped with Korean mobile game models usually reserved for Gacha-pull auto-battlers -- doing orbital drops onto the Earth doing Bayonetta moves before getting torn to pieces like Gears of War characters by Infernal Demons. There are other games you could pull into the conversation that Stellar Blade reminds you of and you'd be on the money. The game is a homunculus of other game ideas. Stellar Blade is just the title that dared to glue every game it worships together like this. It feels like an astounding ripoff with enough effort put in it's distinctions for me to not feel mad about it.
My only two real criticisms that I care about is that the parrying is BAD. DELAYED FRAME WINDOWS FOR PARRYING IS BAD. If you are going to have parrying in your game, and the parry timing is not finely tuned to the animation of an attack, then the game is going to suffer because of it. Lies of P did this shit, too. We are half a decade removed from the release of Sekiro. Make the parry windows make sense.
Secondly, the plot and characters are just so bad that I find it cannot be enjoyed even in an ironic way. This game is so earnest in it's stupidity, turning on my brain to pay attention to the game's narrative actually felt like it was my fault. You play as android woman named EVE and you meet a guy named ADAM and you two are basically the last people on EARTH.
It's not deep. It is in fact stupid as fuck. But, at the end of the day, I like the fact that Stellar Blade THINKS it is deep. But who cares what I think. Thinking is for people who are not edging to Stellar Blade in between unemployment checks. Just shut the fuck up, me. You cuck-pilled kink-shame-maxxing soyboy. I'll kill you.
After the intro, the game settles into being Nier Automata with Souls gameplay. You know what? That mix sounds pretty damn nice. It IS pretty nice sometimes. It needs a lot of fucking work in the plot department. I only care because the game wants you to care about the whole lot of nothing happening 90% of the time. Only one character has an arc worth bring a first-monitor amount of attention to, but that goes nowhere too after faking out the audience that it WILL go somewhere and it's just like what the fuck are we doing, people. What the fuck is this. What and why do you want me to care. I demand someone answer me. And why is everything sticky?
I love the checkpoint system, I really like the PS2/PS3 platformer style exploration of the environments. The hair physics are too much and it actually affects the performance of gameplay, but IT IS fun to have Eve walk under a waterfall and her becoming wet and her hair wrapping itself her body so you look like a bog witch. Very funny. I struggle to talk about the gameplay itself. It's a goddamn Souls game with platforming. You can autofill what to expect from there.
Stellar Blade should be something more aligned with how it paints itself. I waited for something beneath the veneer of this game to make itself known, only to let myself down when it didn't really happen. This shit REALLY ain't that deep. Which is ok, but why go through the effort of pretending? You know? Hello? Are you listening? It still feels like I'm not being heard right now. You know what? Fuck it, whatever. Let's move on.
My real fascination with Stellar Blade is the cultural impact. Sometimes I wonder how detrimental it is being a perpetually online, horny weirdo in the long-term. I genuinely wonder how much have mobile games that inspired the character design of Stellar Blade conditioned porn-addled individuals to latch onto this game like a big-titted, zero personality octopus dragging a victim into the ocean? How much was the sexiness of Eve was factored into the marketing equation as a distraction from Stellar Blade's unpolished elements? It's straight up nefarious how mentally ill Twitter people who want to jerk their dicks off their body and continue to jerk off the flesh mass on the ground until it is giblet paste -- will tie their sexual freedoms to a corporate product. That's just the state of the world I guess.
I don't want to see cultural zeitgeists eventually revert back to prudishness when it comes to sex, but what I see online from those defending Stellar Blade from being seen as anything other than the best game of forever -- is cumming from a place of defense for unapologetic gooner-maxxing instead of objective reverence for the game itself. Eve isn't real (yet). Her pussy isn't going to vacuum your internal organs out of your genitalia (yet). Gooners, please. Divest 10% of the blood of your penises back into your brain. I need you with me, buddy.
On the flip side, seeing a character like Eve on the cover and the game not being a complete waste of time is an unironic step forward for the gaming industry. The cover looks like fucking Onechanbara spin-off. I do believe we are close to a real gooner game with undeniable quality. Stellar Blade is in many aspects SO close to classic status.
Still, the game is good, not incredible. Bayonetta 1 is incredible. Nier Automata is incredible. Those two games are gooner games with brain cells in them. Though the guy who directed Nier Automata is saying that Stellar Blade is better than fucking NIER AUTOMATA.. I don't know if this is a work so Mr. Taro can direct the next game from this studio, which would be hilarious, or if he is at heart just a gooner. Guess we'll see.
Stellar Blade has led me to be fascinated with the "pussy over everything" mindset and how much fetishization will override any objective discussion. Loneliness and desire to quell that loneliness with sex has defined the present and most certainly will define the future. Defending women who are not real in a time where real women don't even secure reproductive rights is fucking hilarious. I know none of you care, I do. I enjoy laughing about the state of affairs because it keeps me from going insane.
So yeah whatever I just know half of you reading are saying "shut the fuck up loser smelly bad gay slur-coded cuck and let me teach my semen a lesson that it should be in a jar and not my body." or even better, the other half going "what are you even talking about" crowd. Because the latter are so pure and don't read up on what goes on in the day-to-day discussions on gaming. You innocent sons of bitches. I really, truly wish I was you. I am a man witnessing madness and devolving affairs and speaking on it and you can just tell me I'm crazy and allow my review to pass over you. The innocence of ignorance. You don't know the gooners will be at your doorstep, soon. They'll come for you and your mom's retirement checks that you use to buy Jujustsu Kaisen figures. Truly, willful centrism is your zion.
My real message here: Jerk your dick to your heart's content, just don't let your jerk bait define you.
Stellar Blade, everyone.
We been spendin' most our lives living in a gooners paradise.
I am fascinated by Stellar Blade and what this game might mean for the future for video games. It's going to sound like I hate this game, but I don't. I think it's Fine™.
If it wasn't obvious, this game wants to be Nier Automata Souls Asura's Wrath Bayonetta. The intro of the game is VERY similar how Asura's Wrath started just swapped with Korean mobile game models usually reserved for Gacha-pull auto-battlers -- doing orbital drops onto the Earth doing Bayonetta moves before getting torn to pieces like Gears of War characters by Infernal Demons. There are other games you could pull into the conversation that Stellar Blade reminds you of and you'd be on the money. The game is a homunculus of other game ideas. Stellar Blade is just the title that dared to glue every game it worships together like this. It feels like an astounding ripoff with enough effort put in it's distinctions for me to not feel mad about it.
My only two real criticisms that I care about is that the parrying is BAD. DELAYED FRAME WINDOWS FOR PARRYING IS BAD. If you are going to have parrying in your game, and the parry timing is not finely tuned to the animation of an attack, then the game is going to suffer because of it. Lies of P did this shit, too. We are half a decade removed from the release of Sekiro. Make the parry windows make sense.
Secondly, the plot and characters are just so bad that I find it cannot be enjoyed even in an ironic way. This game is so earnest in it's stupidity, turning on my brain to pay attention to the game's narrative actually felt like it was my fault. You play as android woman named EVE and you meet a guy named ADAM and you two are basically the last people on EARTH.
It's not deep. It is in fact stupid as fuck. But, at the end of the day, I like the fact that Stellar Blade THINKS it is deep. But who cares what I think. Thinking is for people who are not edging to Stellar Blade in between unemployment checks. Just shut the fuck up, me. You cuck-pilled kink-shame-maxxing soyboy. I'll kill you.
After the intro, the game settles into being Nier Automata with Souls gameplay. You know what? That mix sounds pretty damn nice. It IS pretty nice sometimes. It needs a lot of fucking work in the plot department. I only care because the game wants you to care about the whole lot of nothing happening 90% of the time. Only one character has an arc worth bring a first-monitor amount of attention to, but that goes nowhere too after faking out the audience that it WILL go somewhere and it's just like what the fuck are we doing, people. What the fuck is this. What and why do you want me to care. I demand someone answer me. And why is everything sticky?
I love the checkpoint system, I really like the PS2/PS3 platformer style exploration of the environments. The hair physics are too much and it actually affects the performance of gameplay, but IT IS fun to have Eve walk under a waterfall and her becoming wet and her hair wrapping itself her body so you look like a bog witch. Very funny. I struggle to talk about the gameplay itself. It's a goddamn Souls game with platforming. You can autofill what to expect from there.
Stellar Blade should be something more aligned with how it paints itself. I waited for something beneath the veneer of this game to make itself known, only to let myself down when it didn't really happen. This shit REALLY ain't that deep. Which is ok, but why go through the effort of pretending? You know? Hello? Are you listening? It still feels like I'm not being heard right now. You know what? Fuck it, whatever. Let's move on.
My real fascination with Stellar Blade is the cultural impact. Sometimes I wonder how detrimental it is being a perpetually online, horny weirdo in the long-term. I genuinely wonder how much have mobile games that inspired the character design of Stellar Blade conditioned porn-addled individuals to latch onto this game like a big-titted, zero personality octopus dragging a victim into the ocean? How much was the sexiness of Eve was factored into the marketing equation as a distraction from Stellar Blade's unpolished elements? It's straight up nefarious how mentally ill Twitter people who want to jerk their dicks off their body and continue to jerk off the flesh mass on the ground until it is giblet paste -- will tie their sexual freedoms to a corporate product. That's just the state of the world I guess.
I don't want to see cultural zeitgeists eventually revert back to prudishness when it comes to sex, but what I see online from those defending Stellar Blade from being seen as anything other than the best game of forever -- is cumming from a place of defense for unapologetic gooner-maxxing instead of objective reverence for the game itself. Eve isn't real (yet). Her pussy isn't going to vacuum your internal organs out of your genitalia (yet). Gooners, please. Divest 10% of the blood of your penises back into your brain. I need you with me, buddy.
On the flip side, seeing a character like Eve on the cover and the game not being a complete waste of time is an unironic step forward for the gaming industry. The cover looks like fucking Onechanbara spin-off. I do believe we are close to a real gooner game with undeniable quality. Stellar Blade is in many aspects SO close to classic status.
Still, the game is good, not incredible. Bayonetta 1 is incredible. Nier Automata is incredible. Those two games are gooner games with brain cells in them. Though the guy who directed Nier Automata is saying that Stellar Blade is better than fucking NIER AUTOMATA.. I don't know if this is a work so Mr. Taro can direct the next game from this studio, which would be hilarious, or if he is at heart just a gooner. Guess we'll see.
Stellar Blade has led me to be fascinated with the "pussy over everything" mindset and how much fetishization will override any objective discussion. Loneliness and desire to quell that loneliness with sex has defined the present and most certainly will define the future. Defending women who are not real in a time where real women don't even secure reproductive rights is fucking hilarious. I know none of you care, I do. I enjoy laughing about the state of affairs because it keeps me from going insane.
So yeah whatever I just know half of you reading are saying "shut the fuck up loser smelly bad gay slur-coded cuck and let me teach my semen a lesson that it should be in a jar and not my body." or even better, the other half going "what are you even talking about" crowd. Because the latter are so pure and don't read up on what goes on in the day-to-day discussions on gaming. You innocent sons of bitches. I really, truly wish I was you. I am a man witnessing madness and devolving affairs and speaking on it and you can just tell me I'm crazy and allow my review to pass over you. The innocence of ignorance. You don't know the gooners will be at your doorstep, soon. They'll come for you and your mom's retirement checks that you use to buy Jujustsu Kaisen figures. Truly, willful centrism is your zion.
My real message here: Jerk your dick to your heart's content, just don't let your jerk bait define you.
Stellar Blade, everyone.
2024
It came back worse in every way which is like super impressive.
There is room for a free to play Smash clone for sweaty losers, but the problem is being a diluted Smash clone is just not good enough when Smash feels so much better to play.
Like Nintendo hates you for liking Smash and will never bring the game to platforms beyond their own, so there's room to eat some of it's lunch on Steam. Compared to Smash, Multiversus is too slow and too floaty for it's own good and just won't cut it long-term as a competitor or a fun PLATFORM FIGHTER.
The name Multiversus sucks, the menus are a fucking nightmare, and the 2v2 emphasis isn't even really a thing anymore so it has no identity beyond it's intellectual properties.
We need a different contender in the space.
There is room for a free to play Smash clone for sweaty losers, but the problem is being a diluted Smash clone is just not good enough when Smash feels so much better to play.
Like Nintendo hates you for liking Smash and will never bring the game to platforms beyond their own, so there's room to eat some of it's lunch on Steam. Compared to Smash, Multiversus is too slow and too floaty for it's own good and just won't cut it long-term as a competitor or a fun PLATFORM FIGHTER.
The name Multiversus sucks, the menus are a fucking nightmare, and the 2v2 emphasis isn't even really a thing anymore so it has no identity beyond it's intellectual properties.
We need a different contender in the space.
2024
Alright let's start this off right. I have played all versions of P3 before this and I have to say, overall, this is the best version of Persona 3. It did get a bunch of nice new things, but the budget for this game seems way more reasonable and lower scale than you might expect. It really does feel like the ultimate PS2 RPG in that respect. It's about as faithful of a remake you could possibly ask for. I had so much fun with this release, I tore through it in less than two weeks.
Seriously, everything's been remade to spruce up the P3 experience that oldheads can appreciate, and at the same time make people who started the series with Persona 5 comfy. I cannot believe it struck such a balance. The dev team put a lot of thought into everything.
What I like most about Reload is the quality of life improvements on the dungeons. The dungeon crawling is no longer is sloggish nightmare in order to get what you need (XP, Money, Personas). You only need to grind if you really want to to get ahead for the next cropping of sections. It really makes a world of difference being able to spend 2-3 hours in a cropping of floors getting what you need and then optimizing the next month with social links. I used to hate doing the dungeon parts of the game and now I easily see it as one of the best parts. Persona 4 could REALLY use this kind of balancing and quality of life upgrades.
It's only flaw is being too committed to original releases. The plot is pretty slow for the first few months. The Arcana Link side stories are not nearly as interesting. The S.E.E.S. crew is not nearly as interesting as the P4 or P5 crew. I am happy to report Junpei has been fixed to be your typical bonehead idiot than really obnoxious creep. Everyone else is more or less the same. My favorite link Maya is a blast from the past. She is cringe and uses 2005 1337sp34k. She is playing the long shut down Shin Megami Tensei MMO that the game admits was destroyed by World of Warcraft. She's an alcoholic who bitches to teenagers about how much her boss sucks. Definite wife material.
If you've played a Persona game before, I suggest cranking up that difficulty because by the end of the 3rd month I was fucking busted. The only real difficulty on Regular is people not knowing how the game wants you to play, and of course figuring out a certain monster's weaknesses. Thanks to Fuuka's abilities, you can figure out any creature's weakness right away. The only real challenging fights on a Regular level are the sponge-y creatures that have no weaknesses at all and is essentially a party item/SP drain, but from how dungeons work now you'll be loaded with minor healing items to get through most things without thinking twice.
Persona 5 Royal is a better game when it comes to interactions with characters and world-immersion, but Persona 3 Reload is just a better playing RPG that cuts out all the fat and gets to the shit you really want out of the rather old school dungeon stuff. All the new abilities and quality of life features make this a must play even if you have played Persona 3 before. If you are the brainrotted type who thinks Persona 5 is only RPG on the planet worth playing then you MIGHT be looking at your second ever RPG. Congratulations!
I cannot wait forThe Answer Episode Aigis in the fall. I cannot wait for the female MC route to come out even though its existence has been denied by devs, but you are fucking crazy if you believe them and think it's not happening. I am going to sell feet pics in 4K and probably going to have a good time doing it.
Play me out, Lotus Juice:
DISTURBING THE PEACE!
LOOK INTO MY EYES!
NOW TELL ME THE THINGS YOU'RE LAUGHING ABOUT BEHIND MY BACK!
Seriously, everything's been remade to spruce up the P3 experience that oldheads can appreciate, and at the same time make people who started the series with Persona 5 comfy. I cannot believe it struck such a balance. The dev team put a lot of thought into everything.
What I like most about Reload is the quality of life improvements on the dungeons. The dungeon crawling is no longer is sloggish nightmare in order to get what you need (XP, Money, Personas). You only need to grind if you really want to to get ahead for the next cropping of sections. It really makes a world of difference being able to spend 2-3 hours in a cropping of floors getting what you need and then optimizing the next month with social links. I used to hate doing the dungeon parts of the game and now I easily see it as one of the best parts. Persona 4 could REALLY use this kind of balancing and quality of life upgrades.
It's only flaw is being too committed to original releases. The plot is pretty slow for the first few months. The Arcana Link side stories are not nearly as interesting. The S.E.E.S. crew is not nearly as interesting as the P4 or P5 crew. I am happy to report Junpei has been fixed to be your typical bonehead idiot than really obnoxious creep. Everyone else is more or less the same. My favorite link Maya is a blast from the past. She is cringe and uses 2005 1337sp34k. She is playing the long shut down Shin Megami Tensei MMO that the game admits was destroyed by World of Warcraft. She's an alcoholic who bitches to teenagers about how much her boss sucks. Definite wife material.
If you've played a Persona game before, I suggest cranking up that difficulty because by the end of the 3rd month I was fucking busted. The only real difficulty on Regular is people not knowing how the game wants you to play, and of course figuring out a certain monster's weaknesses. Thanks to Fuuka's abilities, you can figure out any creature's weakness right away. The only real challenging fights on a Regular level are the sponge-y creatures that have no weaknesses at all and is essentially a party item/SP drain, but from how dungeons work now you'll be loaded with minor healing items to get through most things without thinking twice.
Persona 5 Royal is a better game when it comes to interactions with characters and world-immersion, but Persona 3 Reload is just a better playing RPG that cuts out all the fat and gets to the shit you really want out of the rather old school dungeon stuff. All the new abilities and quality of life features make this a must play even if you have played Persona 3 before. If you are the brainrotted type who thinks Persona 5 is only RPG on the planet worth playing then you MIGHT be looking at your second ever RPG. Congratulations!
I cannot wait for
Play me out, Lotus Juice:
DISTURBING THE PEACE!
LOOK INTO MY EYES!
NOW TELL ME THE THINGS YOU'RE LAUGHING ABOUT BEHIND MY BACK!
2010
This game fucks my asshole raw.
Ok now that I have your attention, I need your help. I'm putting together a soundtrack to play the upcoming Skate 4 playtest in case the music in the game sucks. I am accepting any and all suggestions. I would prefer the songs to be able to be added to a playlist on Youtube. Comment your skate jams below.
Don't sweat me not being into what you suggest. I will only harbor resentment against you and doxx your IP address to an Indian call center in New Delhi if your suggestions disappoint me. So no pressure. Thanks for your time!
Ok now that I have your attention, I need your help. I'm putting together a soundtrack to play the upcoming Skate 4 playtest in case the music in the game sucks. I am accepting any and all suggestions. I would prefer the songs to be able to be added to a playlist on Youtube. Comment your skate jams below.
Don't sweat me not being into what you suggest. I will only harbor resentment against you and doxx your IP address to an Indian call center in New Delhi if your suggestions disappoint me. So no pressure. Thanks for your time!
Endless Ocean: Luminous is fucking slop. I pirated it to see if was worth paying $50 for and it is not. Thank you, and good night.
Luminous does a good job making you feel a sense of wonder sometimes, but the Switch is so old that the graphics do not compel, and the gameplay does not compel. The game is at it's best when you're in a fugue state with no neural activity in your brain and your eyes are blurred out of focus and your brain tells you a sweet little lie that you're immersed in something. The reality is nothing is happening, and you will not remember the unremarkable visual stimuli happening across your screen the moment it passes. I am not angry, just disappointed.
Here are better games (* marking especially banger titles) if casual underwater exploration interests you:
Abzu *
Aquanaut's Holiday
Aquanaut's Holiday 2
Aquanaut's Holiday: Hidden Memories *
Endless Ocean
Endless Ocean: Blue World *
Everblue
Everblue 2
Luminous does a good job making you feel a sense of wonder sometimes, but the Switch is so old that the graphics do not compel, and the gameplay does not compel. The game is at it's best when you're in a fugue state with no neural activity in your brain and your eyes are blurred out of focus and your brain tells you a sweet little lie that you're immersed in something. The reality is nothing is happening, and you will not remember the unremarkable visual stimuli happening across your screen the moment it passes. I am not angry, just disappointed.
Here are better games (* marking especially banger titles) if casual underwater exploration interests you:
Abzu *
Aquanaut's Holiday
Aquanaut's Holiday 2
Aquanaut's Holiday: Hidden Memories *
Endless Ocean
Endless Ocean: Blue World *
Everblue
Everblue 2
2024
Bet: Because it's Star Wars it will last not one, but two years before being taken offline. Microtransactions won't be refunded. Glup Shitto DLC canceled.
Wow this game looks incredible. I beat it in 5 hours and HATED playing it. The combat is so lame and boring and unengaging and UGHHHHH WHY
They made the same game again. The lame gameplay and annoying mental illness voices make for a miserable cinematic experience.
They made the same game again. The lame gameplay and annoying mental illness voices make for a miserable cinematic experience.
2022
A game making fun of capitalism in the most based ways being crushed by the capitalistic contracting of the maw of profitability is not lost upon me or the entire development team that is out on their ass.
Rollerdrome is cool.
The game demands mechanical mastery out of you really early on, so you'll be probably practicing in the first couple sets of levels just trying to get your footing so you can advance. This game was a little janky in the responsiveness of the mechanics. I never felt like I could snap onto the rails or dodge roll as quickly as I wanted.
Still, doing a slo-mo backflip in the air, shotgun blasting a perched sniper into pieces, landing onto a rail and dual pistoling rockets and enemies while dodging the 30 other snipers on the map while looking at the remaining time while thinking out your next three moves while being mindful of doing new things to keep your combo up -- is all crazy stressful and fun. You really have to be on your shit in Rollerdrome.
I was enamored by the 1970's retro sci-fi aesthetic. What I really fucking loved was the world building between missions. The environmental storytelling would resonate with people who liked Helldivers ironic adoration for theoppressive super democratic systems the world operated in. It was like George Miller directed a Tony Hawk game. It was great.
Given the moderate success of the game, I was really hoping for a more mechanically rich and snappy sequel would come out and really cook, but a game within the studio came out (Kerbal Space Program 2) and was such a massive flop they closed the whole damn studio. Big shout to Take Two Interactive for being one of the most profitable game publishers on the planet - love you so much for this. By the way, great job closing in on that deal to buy Gearbox for like half a billion dollars. We all grieve different in times of great financial hardship.
Cool. Cool cool cool. Yessir. Definitely feeling normal and not violent. I'm good...I'm chillin. I.am.good.
Financial recessions and shareholders overpopulating an overbought stock market, drawing blood from the stone of profit revenue in many industries, and generally causing chaos for everyone. Gaming definitely feels like one of industries. It seems like gaming as we know it that isn't Candy Crush or Fortnite or CoD has reached it's market cap. The indies will soon be the only place to experience a game like Rollerdrome. It goes to show, you can't trust big publishers for shit. That's fine. Seems like a divorce between overly financial, gambling-adjacent, short-term dopamine boosts and... literally everything else -- was a long time coming for the medium. Let's wait and see who gets custody of the kids.
Rollerdrome is cool.
The game demands mechanical mastery out of you really early on, so you'll be probably practicing in the first couple sets of levels just trying to get your footing so you can advance. This game was a little janky in the responsiveness of the mechanics. I never felt like I could snap onto the rails or dodge roll as quickly as I wanted.
Still, doing a slo-mo backflip in the air, shotgun blasting a perched sniper into pieces, landing onto a rail and dual pistoling rockets and enemies while dodging the 30 other snipers on the map while looking at the remaining time while thinking out your next three moves while being mindful of doing new things to keep your combo up -- is all crazy stressful and fun. You really have to be on your shit in Rollerdrome.
I was enamored by the 1970's retro sci-fi aesthetic. What I really fucking loved was the world building between missions. The environmental storytelling would resonate with people who liked Helldivers ironic adoration for the
Given the moderate success of the game, I was really hoping for a more mechanically rich and snappy sequel would come out and really cook, but a game within the studio came out (Kerbal Space Program 2) and was such a massive flop they closed the whole damn studio. Big shout to Take Two Interactive for being one of the most profitable game publishers on the planet - love you so much for this. By the way, great job closing in on that deal to buy Gearbox for like half a billion dollars. We all grieve different in times of great financial hardship.
Cool. Cool cool cool. Yessir. Definitely feeling normal and not violent. I'm good...I'm chillin. I.am.good.
Financial recessions and shareholders overpopulating an overbought stock market, drawing blood from the stone of profit revenue in many industries, and generally causing chaos for everyone. Gaming definitely feels like one of industries. It seems like gaming as we know it that isn't Candy Crush or Fortnite or CoD has reached it's market cap. The indies will soon be the only place to experience a game like Rollerdrome. It goes to show, you can't trust big publishers for shit. That's fine. Seems like a divorce between overly financial, gambling-adjacent, short-term dopamine boosts and... literally everything else -- was a long time coming for the medium. Let's wait and see who gets custody of the kids.