masterworks all, can't go wrong - X
masterworks all, can't go - X
masterwor - X
masterworks all, can't go wrong - X
ma - X
master - X

anyway leave me and my beautiful wife fournival alone

tldr version of below: if you're looking for good queer content, look elsewhere, or accept that you're comfortable scraping the bottom of the barrel

The game fails both as a dungeon crawler and a dating sim at this time. While the dungeon crawling mechanics are solid (if very simplistic) hack and slash fare, the very limited amount of variance in the disappointingly short procedurally generated levels in the two dungeons mean you will speed through them very quickly. Coupled with the fact that the limited amount of discoverable items currently available as rewards for these dungeon crawls means that the sole reason to delve into these two dungeons is simply to max out your next bond levels with your favorite romanceable weapons. Even this would probably be more forgivable if the romances were satisfying - they aren't.

Boyfriend Dungeon currently has three (3) male romance options, two (2) nonbinary, one (1, this game isn't called Girlfriend Dungeon for a reason) female, and a single cat that mercifully only has a friendship route available. Two additional romances have been teased as eventual Kickstarter-backed rewards that will be added at a later date, one male (an axe, currently appearing only as a cameo in the early stages of the game; also the only hypothetically romanceable character to feature a less 'conventionally attractive' physique if we remember that the cat is thankfully just your friend) and one female (a hammer, currently absent.) There's an attempt to inject deeper themes such as issues of fidelity, living with chronic mental illness, and coping with loss into the romances, of which there are six (6) scenes total for each potential Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Theyfriend. The problem is that these attempts to add more complex issues into each weapon's storyline does little to enhance them if each character amounts to little more than stock tropes.

The Glaive recently came out as nonbinary and is learning to embrace their identity! Cool, but what's the point of that if the writing for each of their scenes doesn't progress beyond 'this character is literally a child that doesn't know what basic food items are?' The Talwar attempts to reconcile a wildly polyamorous lifestyle with a desire to connect with people on a deeper, meaningful level, but what's point of that if his character can be reduced to 'promiscuous vampire' every time he appears on screen? Special shoutout to the Laser Saber and the Scythe, who are both dealing with their own versions of depression, and that of course justifies how incredibly rude they are to you. I dunno about you, but if I wanted to be negged for around $20 USD I'd just get a Tinder Gold subscription.

French existentialist Simone de Beauvoir argues in her 1947 book The Ethics of Ambiguity that 'existence precedes essence;' that the personality and the core beliefs of each human individual is defined through their environment and their actions, and that the challenges that allow those personality-shaping events are the ones that truly test the scope of the limits between their limitations and potential, their past against their future, the comfort of familiarity against the fear of the unknown.

"I Was a Teenage Exocolonist" is a quiet meditation on this and other questions asked by de Beauvoir and her fellow existentialists, packaged stealthily in the wrappings of a Solarpunk-themed dating game. Beneath the cotton candy colored environment of Vertumna and the egregiously tumblr-era character designs lies one of the best narrative experiences I've had in years, one that manages to succeed at the challenge of remaining both replayable and emotionally impactful. IWATE introduces the concepts of string theory, mortality, identity, collectivism, and on and on and on as each character you meet lives, grows, dies, lives again, and becomes a different person entirely.

When asked about the passing of her lover, the famed philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, de Beauvoir simply said "His death does not separate us. My death will not bring us together again. That is how things are. It is in itself splendid that we were able to live our lives in harmony for so long.” Vertumna asks you to spend ten years with it before it lets you go, and readily welcomes you back again for the next loop of a cycle that continues on into infinity. But each of those cycles of ten years creates a unique you, and the life you live with its people is truly splendid.

ps: rex is best boy, even with the dumb tattoo, fight me