the entire vibe of this game feels super predatory. it's Pinocchio, but with the graceless, on-the-nose mall goth writing of American McGee's Alice. wrap it up in Yharnam's discarded skin, and you have Lies of P.

surely round8 studios is aware that Bloodborne fanatics are thirsty for even the tiniest scrap of content, how they're willing to work themselves into a frenzy over the most baseless rumor of a remaster or a sequel, yes? if this sounds like you, be very aware: if you're looking for more soulslike combat, sure, there's some worth here, but you won't find an ounce of subtlety, artistry, or narrative sophistication inside. or, to be more brief: it's fucking lame

the game's final scene features a character droning listlessly into a telephone that "they've found their next key.... DOROTHY!" followed by a jump cut to a girl in red shoes walking off of a train and clicking her heels together. cut to black, credits.

a lot has been said about the phrase "i can't" as a memetic device meant to describe the only communication style left to frappucino-sucking white ladies but, like, when my eyes rolled out of my head after viewing the game's ending and that was the only language left to me, i think i sympathize. i can't. i couldn't. fuck this.