You know, sometimes, I like to sit outside on my balcony, in a nice little chair, watching either the sunrise or sunset depending on the time of day, and I like to think "Man... life is good. Life is grand, there is so much to love about humanity and our planet in general, and I am glad to be alive."

And then I remember stuff like this game exists, and then I quickly remember that humanity was a mistake, and that the Earth should have been shot into the sun a long time ago to rid the universe of us.

Game #216

Mobile games are, as an art form, pretty under-discussed and greatly under-valued. If you're my age (or a little younger) and grew up with parents not interested in indulging their child's burgeoning interests in things that genuinely brought them great joy, then it's very likely mobile games were a large part of your early time with gaming. Nowadays any child has a low-grade supercomputer in their pocket perfectly capable of running Final Fantasy X better than the PS2 could, and the major mobile games are poor imitations of AAA releases with embarrassing gacha mechanics. It can be pretty hard now to place yourself into the context of a point in history where mobile gaming was an entire medium unto itself. But I was there. I saw the rise and fall of Angry Birds, I saw that brief window of genuine critical acclaim for Monument Valley. Most of all, I was on the ground floor when a young puzzle game developer decided to dip their toes into the burgeoning market of mobile games.

Once upon a time, Popcap were masters of their chosen field. As far as browser-based, low-bar-for-entry desktop puzzle games go, entries like Peggle remain some of the best. Light entertainment is deceptively difficult to make. It's easy to set a skill floor low enough for literally anyone to start playing, but it's far harder to match it with a skill ceiling high enough to be genuinely compelling for those who want to sink their teeth further in. Popcap could consistently make these ridiculously charming and polished games that you and your grandmother could play and have equal amounts of fun with. You and I may not understand it, but Bejewelled is still being downloaded by millions of folks every year. In their prime Popcap paved the way for mass-market casual gaming as we know it today to exist.

Seeing their potential after Bejewelled 3's enormous success on mobile devices in late 2010, EA purchased Popcap. They then ordered sequels to the company's big-name IPs, included a bunch of annoying microtransactions in them, and sold out Popcap's integrity for a big old chunk of change. Popcaps's made nothing but drivel since, and the rest is history. Or so the stories go.

Look. Plants vs Zombies is a great tower defence game. It's dripping with charm, the levels are delightfully designed, and it's a perfectly sized experience with a nice smattering of side content that makes the whole meal feel fuller. It's a damn fine game. But, if you can ignore the microtransaction hell that EA hath wrought (which, despite all odds, you legitimately can), PvZ 2 is better. I feel like it's a bit of an open secret with PvZ die-hards, but as far as tower defence games go it's a consistently fun and very charming experience with an onslaught of exciting gimmicks. I like the diversity of the worlds, I like the continually increasing challenge, and I even liked that art style change! On whole it's a deeper and more diverse experience than the first game. I have little doubt in my mind that a PC port removing the microtransaction-based features of 2 would shift public perception completely over which game is better. Popcap was still ahead of the pack when it came to these kinds of games come 2013.

But it's not 2013 anymore. In the intermediary, Popcap has spent almost all of its time trying to figure out what to do with this franchise. They sandwiched surprisingly solid major-budget console shooters around a less-than-successful stab at a mobile card game (in a sort of Clash Royale vein), and while I have no doubt the coffers remained plenty stuffed, it's clear the creatives were never really clear on what they should be doing. So, they return to the golden goose. It's time to bring back Plants vs Zombies, in earnest.

This conversation happened years ago. Anyone paying attention knows this game has been to development Hell and back many times since its initial announcement. Now it's allegedly released, for realsies, and it stinks of a money grab pushed out as quickly as possible. Whatever charm was originally present, in the diversity of plants, in the personal customisation of builds, in the mission design, in the art direction, in the dialogue or the characters themselves, in the goddamn World Map! It's gone! Eviscerated in place of a Funko-ian aesthetic and the blandest soundtrack known to man. Of course, 2 was swimming in predatory practices, but the key to it was that they were genuinely optional. Whether by intent or miracle, progression was still satisfying, unlockables felt vital and exciting. 3 completely removes player customisation from the equation, and embraces the dead-on-arrival mechanic of the 'lives' system, restricting you to 5 attempts on a level if you were to lose. You probably won't, no real challenge or puzzle is present in any levels I've seen (from what I can tell about 1/4 of the game's total), but they've just included a way to segment access for kids so that the gameplay becomes more addictive to their developing brains. PvZ 2 was addictive to my little kid brain. You wanna know why? Because it was fun as hell! We've forgotten the effectiveness of that method!

No one on planet Earth should be surprised by this. PvZ 2 and the Garden Warfare games were enjoyable despite the monetary practices built around them. I was just hoping we'd get that. I only wanted to glimpse the studio that once upon a time was the bastion of its own micro-industry. We don't even get a peak. I'm not sorry that this game is bad. I'm sorry that I care. That I genuinely see the value in these games as an art form. That I know what this team was once capable of. That I expect better. But I do.

If ever there was a genuine artistry to the casual gaming experience, if ever there was integrity to those who made the games that define the early experiences of this medium for millions, I know deep down it's long gone. And that little version of me blasting through ancient Egypt on his iPad mini at the ripe old age of 10 is never quite going to be able to live with that. PvZ 3 might as well be the definitive documentation of the downfall of mobile gaming.

But the greatest injustice, the final mockery, is that it's still a little fun. The gameplay loop is fundamentally there, and sparks of the original appeal remain. In a way, that's worse. If this was truly nothing at all, I'd be happy to ignore it completely. But I can't. I know this could have been a real game, but it refuses to be. For that, it is all the more actively depressing.

Author put that swiss cheese lookin ass course with placeholder textures in cus it was their little sibling's creation and their parents said it had to be in. -0.5 star for that and some other :raised_eyebrow: courses that are either way too dim, not marked correctly or were clearly designed with only 100cc in mind.

That said, it's MK7 which imo was already one of the strongest bases for a Mario Kart with excellent item tweaks (fake box is back, can get rid of fire flower and leaf quicker now by holding L) and a mostly very solid course selection. An entire cup just being Rainbow Roads is hilarious and genuinely good. TONS of character swap options but only visible to you, and some new gamemodes I have not really tried. There's some absurd rubberbanding at times but that is not because of this mod, and it's still less offensive than N64/DS; can be mitigated if the person ahead agrees to slow down a bit.

Beaten all of the new cups 150cc with @Nowhere (12-9, I lost -0.5 star /j)

Also it has an active online community and you can do that too!! Great stuff and super easy to install, automatic if you have universal updater already.

I will start this 4 star review by saying that Cold War does not deserve 4 stars. The multiplayer is in shambles. Menus have way too much lag and about half the time you load into a match, the map hasn't even finished loading in yet and can take up to a minute to do so. Not to mention the worst spawns in history by far, where you either spawn in front of your enemies gun or they spawn inside your butthole. Not to mention that all the maps are two inches long and a lot of them are just legacy nostalgia ones from previous games, which I admittedly enjoyed a lot, but leaves no excuse for why all the new ones are so mediocre....but. I have had a lot of fun with this game. I laugh gleefully everytime i stick someone with a semtex and the movement feels really damn smooth. And the campaign is actually pretty good! Nothing like Black Ops 2 or MW2 but for call of duty its pretty enjoyable, with a good twist even If I feel like these games should be way more criticizing of the US as whole. Anyways, this game is very unpolished but I just had so much fun with this and cant justify giving it a lower rating than this. Greatly enjoyed it in spite of its many flaws.

Nancymeter - 77/100

A game by absolute freaks, for absolute freaks. If you don't lab kart racers everyday like they're fighting games and try your hardest to complete EVERYTHING in those games, this game is NOT for you.
Almost avant-garde in how little it cares for the casual kart racer audience, forcing you to complete an excruciating tutorial that can take between 30 minutes and 1 hour. To complete one grand prix before you can unlock multiplayer (or use a cheat code). To complete FIVE grand prixes before you can unlock the ability to use old SRB2kart MODS! (or use a cheat code). To stay with one color for your character unless you collect the others, and collect all 82 to unlock time trials. Never has there been a game so obsessed with making players master its mechanics before letting them play with others, as if they were preparing you for real-life war or something.

The game even opens slowly walking you through every option, unlocking each thing in the menu, everything contextualized with Tails and Eggman speaking to you, as Metal Sonic. Clearly, the devs tried to defeat Sonic Robo Blast 2's unnecessarily long intro cutscene, and in their quest for Genesis nostalgiawanking, they made the awful choice of only having the button prompts of the Genesis controller in menus and tutorials, not a huge issue in controller, it is on keyboard, especially because this game just has way too many mechanics and when you finally have to use an obscure one, you gotta press every key or go to the menu to check what key you assigned as the Y Genesis button.

Back to the tutorial, what did they think they were making here, Final Fantasy XVII?? It doesn't even explain things that clearly and there's so much dialogue, no option to reread, just once and trial and error.
It'd be one thing to make a kart racer with a lot of complex mechanics if they all feel cohesive and the races really push you to your limits, like Sonic Riders or even Bomberman Fantasy Race, but I don't think this is it when the mechanics are like 8 different types of boosts, one for each hazard, a charged melee attack? A parry? Two different types of roulettes that by default you have to stop manually???
A lot of this doesn't even come up in the races, it's for the single-player challenges, if it is in the race, you can also probably brute force it and use boost mechanic #54 instead of boost mechanic #301 as originally intended.

There's potential here, but it doesn't feel as good as SRB2kart to be honest. I gave up at the drift section in the tutorial cuz I just couldn't get it to work and the only drift you HAVE to do to proceed is the ultra charged one that gives you max boost #302! If the kart stops moving while you try to drift you instead initiate, you guessed it, another boost mechanic, one that has its own separate dedicated button so why make the drift worse by putting it on that button as well?

I usually don't rank games if I know that they're just not for me or if I played that little, but I don't see how the things I complain about would really do any good to any game in any genre, and even if all players use a save file with everything unlocked, I'll have to stand my ground unless they rework everything.

They tried to make a kart racer with more complex mechanics than Sonic Riders, and thought they had to have THE MOST mechanics to do that. They saw that some Riders players missed mechanics because of the lack of a tutorial and thought they had to overtutorialize EVERYTHING and demanded they mastered the game before even letting them race.
Don't think this will ever catch on and most will probably continue to just play SRB2kart.

I had no sword at all for two and a half hours.

I eventually found Biggoron's Sword on sale for 15 Rupees in the Goron City shop as Adult Link. However, as an incredibly frustrated young Alex learned in 1999, you cannot defeat Ganon in Ocarina of Time with the Biggoron Sword. In order to finish the game, the final blow must come from the Master Sword.

During my first playthrough of this (or any) randomizer, the Master Sword was the very last item that I found. This is what it took for me to find it:

• Both the Master Sword and the Kokiri Sword were in the Fire Temple in optional chests, with the Master Sword's chest requiring the Scarecrow Song to reach it. But I couldn't get to either of those without access to the Megaton Hammer, as the room to the left where you encounter Darunia had no keys in it. (The key to the door on the right side of the entry hall turned out to be in the Boss Key chest)

• The Hammer was in the Gerudo Training Grounds, so I was ultimately gated by my lack of Hover Boots.

• The Hover Boots were in Jabu-Jabu's belly, in place of the Zora's Sapphire. But I couldn't complete that section without the Boomerang.

• The Boomerang was in the moat in place of the Ocarina of Time, but I needed the 3 Spiritual Stones before Zelda would chuck it in there.

• The Kokiri Emerald was in one of the Gibdo coffins in the Bottom of the Well, so I needed the Lens of Truth to discover that.

• And the Lens of Truth was sold by a Business Scrub in Dodongo's Cavern. I got a good deal though, it was only 10 rupees.

Obviously, I had no idea where the Master Sword would be, so this wasn't a plan or a list of instructions I followed, it's just how things shook out. And I had a great time! I used Ship of Harkinian's randomizer, and there are some fantastic options that made the constant back-and-forth scouring of Hyrule more feasible. The most useful ones were unbreakable Deku Sticks (absolutely critical since I didn't find a sword for a while), changing Link's age with the Song of Time, Bunny Hood increasing speed like in Majora's Mask, and ageless items (allowing Young Link to use the Hookshot, for example). I was incredibly impressed with Ship of Harkinian though, and will definitely put more playthroughs into that, randomized or not.

i'm a decent fan of 3D platformers, but i really don't know about this one. other than its decent sense of humor, there isn't anything it does particularly well. movement feels fine but precise jumps feel like shit, switching hats/badges feel like a half baked and weirdly implemented idea, and only half of the worlds feel like they were made with 3d platforming in mind.

there are definitely parts i liked, though - going through the different levels in alpine skyline were fun, until i had to backtrack a billion times through them all again. and in the sea of boring ass levels in dead bird studios, the train bomb mission was fine.

i think this one would have benefited more with more free-roaming levels, or at least something more in line with the platformers it's inspired by (ie less stupid ass linear stealth levels). i dunno! this one's weird! it's got silly jokes and good voice acting but i don't feel real strongly about it. maybe they learned their lession in the dlc but it didn't grab me enough for me to want more.

Check it out, it's 14-year-old me with a GameBoy Advance speaker pressed against his ear canal, mouth open while he pipes the most goopy-ass version of Scrap Brain Zone directly into his skull.

You can add Sonic Advance to the growing pile of reviews where I state, "I haven't played this since it came out." It's in good company, the Burger King Trilogy is in there. It's been so long that abandoning my previously held opinions on Sonic Advance and going in with no expectations was easy enough, though I did assume the consensus from my mutuals would be that Advance is among the best and most cherished of Sonic's handheld outings only to find it's pulled around a 3/5 average. A little surprising considering some of those mutuals think more highly of Sonic than I do, but now that I've closed the 20+ year gap... yeah, 3/5 seems about right!

Congratulations to Sonic Advance, because that practically makes it the best "traditional" handheld Sonic I've played.

Like the Game Gear games, Sonic Advance doesn't match the pace and feel of the Genesis titles, but the better hardware does allow for a much closer approximation, one that's pleasant enough in hand and which is only noticeably off to the kinds of people who are entirely too invested in this stuff. Like me. I just bought another copy of Sonic Mania, I'm up to five now, so I'd like to think I'm qualified enough to say that the way Sonic and his friend make contact with destructible objects and how they bounce off them doesn't quite pass the sniff test with me but it hardly ruins the game.

In fact, Sonic's physics feel perfectly in place with the way levels are designed, and that's really the most important thing. For the most part, stage design is pretty good. There's a nice mix of platforming and speed and plenty of routes that are made or less accessible depending on who you play as. The game does completely hit a wall and burn most of its good will by the time you get to Angel Island, though. The introduction of numerous bottomless pits, many of which the level directly funnels you into, is aggravating, and it's a problem that persists into the two single act zones that follow.

Also, not a fan of Amy. Dislike playing as her immensely. She felt bad in Adventure and she feels even worse here. These zones aren't improved by shafting you with a character that has a lower speed cap and movement abilities that purposefully feel bad. I'm sure there's some lunatic out there waiting in the wings who has dedicated a significant portion of their time to perfecting Amy's tech and will insist that it's not the game, it's the player. I don't care, I'm putting Amy in the contraption now.

Despite Sonic Advance's sloppy end game, I was pleasantly surprised with it overall, and that maybe says more about my insanely low expectations for a handheld Sonic than it does the game itself. Uh, end of review.

Now that the dust has settled, what do we all think of Sneak King?

Before this last playthrough, I would've said Sneak King was the best of the trilogy with Big Bumpin' being the worst, but nearly twenty years removed, I'm afraid to say the BK hierarchy has changed.

It's tragic, because Sneak King's opening sets you up for something special. A still shot of a darkened driveway... The King appears from the shadows, stalking about like a predator, his visage a cruel mockery of the human form intended to disarm and draw in his prey. But this beast is no man, and his attempt mimicry is all wrong, glassy-eyed and without life. And then you boot up the game proper and find that it's just a crusty stealth title that asks you to do the same exact thing over and over and over again.

If Pocket Bike Racer's problem was too little content, then Sneak King's is that there's too much. Twenty missions spread out over four levels, but every mission tasks you with essentially the same objective: deliver delicious Burger King meals to hungry masses. The most variety you'll get in how you go about that is in what order you'll need to hit up the various NPCs sulking around the map or how often you're allowed to make a mistake. Sometimes you'll need to deliver [X] amount of meals without getting caught or by climbing into trash cans (coincidentally where I found my copy of this game, I think someone threw it out by mistake) or popping out of houses, but the amount of repetition here really sucks all the fun out. The King doesn't even need to take pentazemin to stop his hands from shaking when delivering Original Chicken Sandwiches™, this game's got no meat on its bones!

The controls are also horrible, which is something I actually wouldn't accuse the other two games of. Say what you will about Big Bumpin' and Pocket Bike Racer, but movement at least feels serviceable. Sneak King inverts the Y-axis and makes climbing into cover so laborious that your mark will likely move away or collapse from hunger before you're able to get into position. The King shrugging his shoulders and shaking his damn head because I botched the timing on his sandwich delivery while the camera was juttering behind a tree branch, what the fuck do you want from me, man? When we get to the sawmill I'm throwing your ass in a woodchipper [Warning: do not do this. The King cannot be killed by conventional means, he will come back and he will be stronger.]

Despite how bad it is, Sneak King is often the entry in the BK Trilogy that people talk about, because it is the most conceptually interesting of the bunch and the one to lean the hardest into the marketing that gave life to this iteration of The King. Tactical Burger Delivery Action is such a good-dumb idea that at least one man has dedicated his time and income to collecting any copy of the game he can find, and by a magnitude of cents it is the most consistently expensive title in the series on the aftermarket. Curiously, graded copies of the game are actually worth less than open CIBs. I understand the economics of this and why that's the case, but it's very funny to think Sneak King inherently has more value when played.

Ohhhh, wait a minute... Sneak King sounds like sneaking. Shit, I just got it.

Man, Nintendo keeps putting out mid and stuff I already played, I really don't want to get back to that game I really don't like and complete it out of necessity. I might need to buy a Steam Deck or dig out that Retroid Pocket in my dresser, oh woe is me...help...won't someone please help...

Trumpets sound and clouds in the sky begin parting as heavenly light shines down upon me, Jupiter Corporation descends downward offering something in hand

"Here child, 2,700 Picross puzzles across nine games, only 4.99 each plus applicable taxes..."

Bless you o' green sailor senshi of thunder and courage, I am forever in your debt.