mystery VN/adventure protagonists ranked by microwaveability

i will not explain

AI: The Somnium Files
AI: The Somnium Files
thwacking kaname date against the wall like a webkinz full of milk
Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective
Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective
sissel just needs a break to be honest
Umineko no Naku Koro ni
Umineko no Naku Koro ni
this is already battler microwaving simulator is it not
Zero Escape: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors
Zero Escape: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors
guy who says shit like "it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway, to be honest" and "i'd rate this ceiling a 3.5" and "i used a shower once"
Your Turn to Die: Death Game by Majority
Your Turn to Die: Death Game by Majority
slowly rotating her at medium power. she looks miserable in there
Paradise Killer
Paradise Killer
lady love dies is too powerful to be microwaved. she would dodge the rays like an ant. she would make the fall impact sound and walk out of there. nothing on the electromagnetic spectrum can breach the investigator's defenses.
Raging Loop
Raging Loop
putting haruaki fusaishi in a centrifuge. what's wrong with him
Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward
Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward
like, uh, y'know, nya
Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma
Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma
i don't feel the need to microwave these guys. diana would look at me like a kicked puppy. q is just a little guy. im too busy rotating junpei and akane so carlos has to be there to balance them out.

Unrated

AI: The Somnium Files - Nirvana Initiative
AI: The Somnium Files - Nirvana Initiative
unfortunately I can't put this game on here multiple times for each protagonist so I'm ranking Ryuki. they put him in the microwave. canonically.

Unrated

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
apollo my friend apollo

Unrated

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair
Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair
putting him on the popcorn setting

Unrated

Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
not really

Unrated

Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony
Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony
this one is for kaede. i would put her in there and she would say something like "we can get through this if we all work together!!"

Unrated

Elsinore
Elsinore
honorable mention: haven't played elsinore (YET) but I am very excited to rotate ophelia in my mind

Unrated

Master Detective Archives: Rain Code
Master Detective Archives: Rain Code
gently defrost

Unrated

Murder by Numbers
Murder by Numbers
i am not done with murder by numbers but i do not have an excessive need to put honor inside any kitchen appliances. she's been through enough

Unrated

Oxenfree
Oxenfree
she has been in the microwave too LONG i gotta get her OUT!

Unrated

Paranormasight: The Seven Mysteries of Honjo
Paranormasight: The Seven Mysteries of Honjo
no single protagonist in this game but shout out to shogo. something wrong with him

Unrated

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
you could do anything to this man

Unrated

Process of Elimination
Process of Elimination
he's just kind of there to be honest. i have like 3 other characters in this game i would very much like to study under a microscope though

Unrated

Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
have only played this game so far so i don't necessarily know all the Deep Hershel Layton Lore but i think i will leave him be. however i wouldnt mind if HE put me in the microwave with a puzzle or two

Unrated

Steins;Gate
Steins;Gate
honorable mention: from my very minimal understanding of the story they very much did put that man in the microwave

Unrated

Vivid/Stasis
Vivid/Stasis
still lots of story to go but i am gently swirling saturday around like ice with a little coffee stirrer

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