There are games you finish and don't know what to say because they are so unremarkable, and then there are games like 1000x resist where I sit at my computer inmediately after thinking how exactly I could do the game justice without just playing it again whilst taking notes.

I'll try to be brief, but what 1000x resist's sci fi narrative adventure game brings to the table is that its not only dense as hell plot and theme wise, feeling almost like an adaptation of some acclaimed novel, whilst also having stylistic flourishes that are both impressive and also feel purposeful in a way that a higher budget game probably wouldn't. They made a game this visually striking with what feels like cardboard sets and a few unity shaders. The starkness of the environment design and the various shifts of perspective from over the shoulder to first person to top down to side scroller in a way that feels elegant rather than whiplash to the extreme.

The credits have the usual indie game thing where one guy was Modeler, Texturer, Writer, Designer, Costum Designer, Chef, Lawyer and Defender of the Innocent. The game is so impressive as someone who does 3D modelling myself, I have taken a bunch of screenshots of the game simply because I love how they look. One small ass team somehow puts most AAA games I've played to shame in the visual department.

Thats not to say the game's budget or lack thereof doesn't become apparent with the lack of facial animation. Of course the game understands this to some extent, hence the choice of making the sisters require masks to breathe and be clones of each other (hence, only like 5 or so models had to be rigged up) but thats what taking advantage of your limitations is all about.

Story wise, its again hard for me to really comment because its dense but in a way that all great narratives are, like say, Moby Dick or The Truman show, which are enjoyable both at surface level and on a deeper read of the symbolism. Not everything worked for me, and the resolutions of the endings could have perhaps been more elegant, as well as all the Hong Kong stuff carrying the stench of liberalism about it (Incidentally the cops of the provisional government being called the Red Guard was really on the nose) but the game is otherwise so engaging that I don't mind. Strong personal contender for GOTY, it and Extreme Evolution : Drive to Divinity are the front-runners for me.

Did you know that in 2004, a great accident took place where several victims were apparently beheaded in public with a mirror repurposed as a saw? Look up "mirror inflation rule34" for more info... So... ah, good, you have not fallen for my tricks. Seeing Meta Knight get owned in a 5 seconds cutscene made me believe that anything could happen from this point on. One could mistake this one for its GBA predecessor, as they share the same... about everything, but the affectionately dubbed Mirror Company has given us a nice slice of kirbyvania. What's the worst that can happen...?................ Well, I've had a healthy dose of fun. A dawg is a dawg, and Kirb is Kirb.

Nobody ask Kirby about the time loop of Candy Constellation. Seriously I entered the area and could not get out of the 6 same rooms hellooo child services this pink child has been: kidnappd 🤣🤣 such are the trials of a metroidvania. Aside from that, exploring has its perks. Kirby has different skin colors, and diferrent Kirbys, and... why are there so many Kirbys??? Is the hour of the Mass Attack upon us already. But clearly, only the pink one is putting in any effort, no red Kirby you do not have "goofy rizz" start vacating that Moonlight Mansion room in the boonies and put in work posthaste. Still impressive in a basic kind of way. I assume they just get assigned rooms and are not actually doing anything when you're not here. Like a classroom once the sub teacher "will be back in 5 minutes".

I guess my boy is getta pilferin'. The treasure system is much better realized in Squeak Squad, but we take the Ws we can. I don't know who made all these mini-bosses respawn, but they officially classify as hindrances, I'm damn hindered by this. The teleportation mirrors have Melee Marth range, at least, but I did die more often than the usual Kirby experience. It wasn't quite the walk in the park you'd expect, but it's also easy to navigate for the genre. Also... get this... I thought you could only destroy the iron blocks with hammer. That shit rare af. If only this mf knew he could fire 🤣 oooh the shame he brought on his entire family tree. But Mom... do you know why all those new enemies didn't even come back in further entries, let alone Squeak Squad or were heavily nerfed? Yeaaah Mirror Company had some trouble down the road. Why do I gotta fear the basic star blocks, whyyyyy. I'm baby

This time, to get to the scary final boss (another one of them), you have to beat nine shareholders shard holders. I think it's a great lesson to instill in that generation's youth, to not throw away your shit when you can fix it 👍 but on the other hand, Kirby's movesets fuckin suck 👎 so if you get any copy ability with more than one move, treasure it. I think you may even get the scare of your life with a certain hand in a certain room... no more half-measures. By sheer happenstance, I also know about the underground dealings that led to Mirror Company's inclusion of the Ohio theme song as an unlockable treasure chest. Look up "ohio big chest" for more info.

To me, Side Order distills the Splatoon PVE experience to its best qualities. Considering Splatoon campaigns have been exclusively composed of levels designed as obstacle courses, enemy gauntlets, and various other trials, it makes perfect sense to forgo the formalities and just introduce a format that is, itself, a series of challenges: the Roguelike genre. Not only does this create more harmony in the progression systems but it also eliminates some of Splatoons more aggravating mission types: theres no instant-failing rail shooting galleries, box sculpting mini games, and generally speaking no requirement to use some of Splatoons more estranged weapon types.

Or at least for the most part. Unlocks are exclusive to each weapon and so full and total completion would require you to do a full run with every weapon type. This is not necessary to enjoy Side Order however, and the way the DLC doles out upgrades makes it more easy than ever to spec away the flaws of particular weapon types - meaning that while this might be Splatoons most demanding campaign to 100% in terms of effort, its also the most flexible and most rewarding Splatoon has felt across the past 4 campaigns theyve made.

Bonus Thoughts:

- The Jelletons (jelly skeletons?) taking inspo from Salmon Run enemies was smart cuz Salmon Run is also something that plays alot to Splatoons strengths as a game.

- Story lacks the huge climaxes that more traditional story campaigns usually have, however I think the more agnostic boss design is much more interesting.

- With even just a few permanent hacks purchased you are nearly unstoppable (pure happiness) It might seem like quite a task, to be expected to win with weapons like the Umbrella but in truth power skews so far in your favor that essentially every run is a win no matter what youre using. It is deceptively doable.

- Its impossible to not make my Agent 8 look like a gimp that just got back from edm night at the club

You really get what you sign up for in this one: an RE4 case management simulator puzzle game. There are 40 puzzles, and most of them I found were pretty easy to figure out, but fulfilling to anyway. This really feels like a game I would have found on Addicting Games many years ago and probably give up on in frustration. Wish it had more fish-based puzzles, though, cause it gave me a chuckle anytime those guys were slapped in there. The use of RE4 knowledge was great, too, as someone who only played RE4 in that series, I'm not sure if it'll be as interesting to people who haven't played that game or not, but if you have, you'll probably find some interest in this. Just a few dollars, so you're not risking much by trying.

The machine gun can eat my ass, what an awkwardly shaped thing to introduce so early.

(Part 5 of the Half Century Challenge, created by C_F. You can find their fifth review here)

You know what, I am getting SICK and TIRED of reviewing video games, or hell, even just playing them for that matter! I mean, seriously, who even really likes these things anyway? They are full of nothing but dumbass battle royales, microtransactions, IPs being milked to the bone as we speak, and they are all made by a bunch of incompetent TWATS who should be ashamed of themselves for even thinking about taking part in this industry in the first place! And quite frankly, I have had it up to HERE with them, so I’m gonna be stopping right here. I’m gonna move onto reviewing actual games from now on, you know, ones that are actually FUN, and people actually put proper time and heart into, just so that I can get away from all of that other FILTH……………… but hey, I’m sure this all seems very sudden for a lot of you, so I will go ahead and ease you into this new period of my reviewing “career” by reviewing one last video game, one that is essentially an electronic version of an actual, proper game! It’s perfect! So, let us take this final journey by talking about the not-at-all-awkwardly named Touch Me.

For those who are unaware as to what this game is, it is essentially an electronic version of the classic game that we all know and love, Simon Says, or just Simon, for those of you who care about that kind of stuff. It was originally released in 1974 as an arcade title, which you can see through this video, where you have these different buttons, they will light up and go BRZT in a determined sequence, and you have to repeat that sequence until you ultimately lose and feel dead inside as a result. It’s a very simple game that I’m sure that we have all played at some point in our lives, and you can see here just from this one simple arcade machine how effective it really is. The simple design, the simple colors, the infectious sound effects, as well as the natural skills that you can develop from playing Simon Says, such as motor skills and body awareness, makes this an unmistakable gem that most other games over the years can never match, just from its timeless quality alone. Not to mention, the machine even allows you multiple chances, just in case you fuck up, so if you do inevitably mess up, it lets you try again, just to remind you that there is always a way to pick yourself back up and have at it again, even when you feel like you have exhausted every option available.

However, that is not the version of the game that I played, since it is literally impossible for me to play it unless I actually go out and try to find one of these machines. So, instead, I tried out the 1979 version of the game, which was a completely separate handheld version of the game that you could take anywhere! You could play it at home, at the park, at work, even at your wife’s funeral! There can now be plenty of Touch Me fun wherever you go (I’m losing my mind)! And thankfully, it works just as well as the original version of the game, with bright colors to be seen and plenty of BRZTS to add to the experience! However, according to what it says on the box, you better not even THINK about giving this shit to anyone under 7 years old, or anyone past the stage of adult, because if you do, they will have a heart attack right on the spot, as they just can’t handle the INTENSITY of a game like Simon Says!

But if you think that this version is just a straight port of the original Touch Me with no extra bells or whistles to it, then you better sit down, because what I’m about to tell you is gonna blow your fucking mind:..... THERE’S MORE GAME NOW! With this version, you can now set different levels of skill, from as low as 8 all the way up to 99, challenging the player to follow along the pattern a specific amount of times, even rewarding the player with a nice jingle at the end, and OOH BOY, is that jingle ever so sweet. You may think these modes might not mean all that much, but when you think about it, it seems like a pretty daunting task. I mean, seriously, have you ever heard about anyone being able to complete an entire 99 rounds of Simon Says without messing up once? I certainly haven’t, especially not with this version of the game, and I am convinced that nobody has truly reached their full potential in life unless they have completed said 99 rounds in this game. Why else would I be here right now talking about it?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all of the wonders of the classic game Simon are here and accounted for, for you to get lost in for hours, having the most amount of fun you have ever had in your……… in your………. uh………. sigh............ what am I doing? No, really, WHAT am I doing right now? I’m making a multi-paragraph review about Simon Fucking Says… what has my life come to?! Who the fuck even actually likes Simon Says, anyway? It’s the most boring-ass game in the world, and there’s no way anyone could ever make the game more fun than it actually is…….. unless…… wait… there have been ways that people have made the game more fun! Like, look here in this video, and skip to the 1:28:31 mark! Look at how they took something boring and monotonous and turned it into something more charming and energetic… that makes the game more fun!... to a degree. And look, over here, at the 11:38 mark… they managed to take Simon Says and add a crude, yet oddly hilarious spin on it that makes it even more fun than it was before! Hell, even in a bad game like this one, they managed to take this simple game and make it that much more enjoyable, even by adding extra urgency for whenever you fuck up!

I think I get it now…. yes! I was wrong all along! Video games aren’t filth or terrible in any way… they’re actually wonderful! Sure, there is definitely a lot, and I mean A LOT, wrong with them, and the industry as a whole, but look at all of the wondrous things that we have made from these things! So many different worlds that we can explore, so many fun challenges that we can take on, so many different characters that we grow to love as if they were actual, living people, and so many different ways that they have been able to bring us together, to connect with one another, and to make many different kinds of relationships that, if lucky, could last forever. Making Simon Says a better game is just one small, insignificant fraction of what video games can truly do, and I feel ashamed that I ever threw this medium under the bus, even if it was all meant for a joke! I’m sorry, video games, and I promise, I will never ever leave your side again…

Overall, Touch Me was an interesting way of making a fun, more interactable and replayable version of Simon Says, but really, there is only so much you can get out of it not just because of how one-note and rudimentary it is, especially with many, MANY different versions of the game out there that do make it much better and more replayable. It is a neat little novelty for its time, and it is somewhat fun to go back to for the sake of remembering history, but there isn’t many other reasons as to why you would want to go back to it in the first place. Also, they REALLY couldn’t think of a better title for this thing? I mean, seriously, they could’ve just named it “Simon” or “Memorization”, or something like that, but no, instead we get a name that I feel very uncomfortable saying out loud, especially when I’m around most other people. Keep that shit to yourself, Atari, cause I ain’t interested.

Game #596

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me, and I walk alone.

Jokes aside, Lonesome road is probably my favourite FNV DLC, which seems like an unpopular take in contemporary critical discourse surrounding the game; on the internet anyways.

I do GET what others find objectionable about the DLC, I'm not super on board with the characterisation of Chris Avellone's pseudo-rantsona and the cardinal sins the game committs in regards to roleplaying are at best misguided attempts at narrative subversion and at worst break the entire game's foundations in half.

Its one of those things, where, even though I myself had not heard of this discourse I intuitively felt something wrong when I played the game for the first time. "You, the courier came through here before and indirectly caused the devastation of the divide" - Ulysses said calmly

"No I didnt. My character didnt do that at all. My courier was a common drifter before he stole a mojave express courier's identity just in time to be shot by a claymation chandler bing". I was mostly confused. I do think its a mistake to take everything Ulysses at face value, and if you listen to his soliloquoys scattered about the various holotapes you come to realize hes a disturbed, traumatized individual who's maybe not quite meant to be taken as gospel. He reminds me of Measurehead's backstory from DE if you do the fascism sidequest.

That being said, the reason for Lonesome Road being my favourite is the gameplay. Its an amazing gauntlet that puts the player's abilities to the test with the various tunnelers, deathclaws, marked men and the like. Chris Avellone's hatred for the post-postapocalypse shines here, albeit appropriately for a recently nuked area, there are nought but the remnants of those who tried to rebuild the divide but were cut down by radiation. FNV is a bit too easy, but Lonesome Road is a nice mix up in this department. This last playthrough I played using the JSawyer mod and a revolver build, both of which made the game more challenging and I had a blast making it through the titular road.

Its unfortunate how the DLC also implies that the mojave will just get fucked again by tunnelers because again, Chris Avellone hates the post-postapocalypse, but my headcanon is that the indomitable will of the player character overcomes this to make sure the future inhabitants of vegas can put up a fight. I mean, a drugged mailman took care of dozens of them with a few hollow points, it won't be that difficult to mount a defensive line against em

It's a reasonably ambitious attempt to make an on-rails 3D space game on the atari, and for the most part it works. There are 3 different game modes at play:

1. The main game mode involves flying in a pseudo 3D space where you try to shoot enemy ships for points and see how many you can earn in the arbitrarily-set time limit of 2 minutes and 16 seconds. The enemies scale in size depending on your distance in a choppy-yet-still-understandable way, and there are asteroids that can't be shot and you just gotta dodge em. There are no lives, so your punishment for running into an enemy is getting stunned for a second or two as the game flashbangs you with blinking lights. You can change how quickly the enemies fly into you as well as whether or not they come one at a time or in pairs. It's okay!

2. There's a variant of the main mode where instead of shooting enemies the button speeds you up, and the aim of the game is to see how far into space you can go. The only enemies are the invincible asteroids so it's just a matter of dodging. I found it reasonably cheesable to just hold diagonally in one direction and only change if something comes directly your way.

3. There's a bonus game mode called "Lunar Lander" which takes place entirely in 2D. I thought at first this would be a conversion of the arcade game of the same title, but it's actually more just a game where you play as a moon lander and chase the moon itself around a blank empty space, and if you manage to tag it you get a point. Though with the atari graphics and tag-like gameplay it really feels less like you are a moon rover trying to make contact and more like you are a blue horse trying to take a piss on a giant cookie. You can toggle these moving squares that the lander needs to avoid if you want there to be a little extra sauce, I guess.

It's a pretty decent game, I can appreciate the ambition for the kind of perspective that they were going for which atari hardware generally doesn't lend itself towards. The gameplay even feels decent enough with the stiff-ass joystick controller as well, I didn't have to do the ol' mega drive controller trick to make it more playable. There are two player modes for the main game and the moon lander game (the moon lander version seems like one person gets to control the moon which could honestly be a fun time), but I wasn't able to try those modes out. And this game is a launch title?!?!? The only real thing is that the time-based nature makes it seem more like RNG to get a good score as you just gotta hope for as many high-ranking enemies to spawn as close to you as possible to get an impressive score, and even then generally your score will be the same throughout as the time limit and spawn rates for things are generally the same. They could have made it a lot more competitive if they stuck to the ol' life system and had the time mode as a side thing or something. Regardless, I really can't fault the ambition at play here nawsay, shoutouts to atari

Up front, I want to admit I'm biased towards the cinematic action-adventure genre. The PlayStation-exclusive type of game design is not my thing, and I find it to be lacking as a a genre when it comes to producing an actual video game, which is what we're here for. However, some of them do hit for me, and I get some enjoyment out of them. Hellblade 1 was one of those. I thought it was good and I liked it.

I do not like Hellblade II.

I already knew something was up when reviews were left until release day, and how reluctant Microsoft seemed to be to market the game. I saw that Hellblade II reviewed "good" at a Metascore of an 81 or so, but it was a significantly lower mark than the first game.

After playing it, I'm not too surprised. Hellblade II gives you a garbage first impression by essentially being a walking simulator for the first 20 minutes, after which Senua picks up a sword and you're given a rude awakening by being introduced to the plodding, dull, and mind-numbing combat.

This is why I don't like "cinematic" games like this, because the combat and gameplay always feels stiff. There's so much effort put into cinematography, sure, but when every combat encounter results in the same 10 or so canned animations, with little to no variation whatsoever, it becomes a snoozefest. I can't count how many times I've seen Senua get knocked on the ground after parrying a strike with the same animation each time, or using one of the same selection of execution animations. And you'll see these often too! Especially since the combat amounts to building a charge for what is essentially a one-shot, which means that combat encounters can be breezed through fairly quickly so long as you charge up that execution move. By the way, the final boss uses the same canned combat animations you've seen for the whole game.

One thing you'll notice right away while playing Hellblade II is how stunningly beautiful it is. It is one of the best-looking games you'll ever see on a console thanks to the power of UE5. I can't take anything away from that - but Hellblade II's confusing, hollow, and bland experience is not helped at all by the graphic fidelity.

It is worth mentioning that Hellblade II only runs at 30fps. Which is fine, because you're likely going to be playing this off of Game Pass. My personal belief is that if a game is $70, there should be a performance mode. If the game is on Game Pass, however, I'm only paying $15 at max, so that's no big deal. For me.

Another minor technical issue: Hellblade does not work properly with Xbox Game Streaming. The Focus button, which you need to progress the game's numerous puzzles, does not work while streaming. I was able to work around this by turning the stream off and on. Later I reached a section where you MUST sprint to survive the level's design, and Senua just wouldn't sprint because the LB button didn't work properly while streaming. Since I like streaming my Xbox audio to my PC, I had to plug in an Elgato to proceed with the level. This is only going to be a problem for maybe 1% of people who play Hellblade, so I won't give it flak for this... but this is an XBOX game. Shouldn't XBOX Game Streaming work for it at launch?

What makes Hellblade II mediocre beyond the combat? Unfortunately, it's the story.

I beat Hellblade II in only 7 hours. Originally I thought it was 5, because it didn't feel like 7, but then again my console was on pause for what added up to an hour... so let's say 6 for good measure. Those reviewers and tweets you see weren't joking about its length. It is a very short game. Nowadays playing a AAA game that is so short is an anomaly, sure, but this game was in development for FIVE years, wasn't it? How did 5 years of development result in a 5 hour game?

Hellblade 1 had a story built around Senua's psychosis, and I think that's what made it excel, and it's why I liked that game despite my aversion to the genre.

Hellblade 2's story does not feel like it is built around Senua's story. After meeting some NPCs on her journey, Senua instead ends up hunting down giants that are ruining the land after spelunking in a cave to be proven worthy. There you go, that's the plot. I don't know how Senua's psychosis is relevant to that, because I don't think it is. The point is that Hellblade 2's story is extremely generic compared to Hellblade 1, and is a concern I had almost immediately within the first hour of playing.

Hellblade 1 really shined by being a solo experience built around Senua. Hellblade 2 features multiple companions and NPCs, which doesn't really lend itself well to using Senua's psychosis in the plot. Senua's psychosis no longer feels like a relevant portion of the game's themes and story, and instead is reduced to a background element of a dull story - a story that is somehow confusing and boring at the same time. Why? Because when the story is said and done, it's not even really clear on what happened for the most part or what it even means. While Hellblade 1 had a similar feeling, you at least got the idea and thought-provoking thematics they were trying to express.

Hellblade 2's ending presents itself as if the creators believed they had just made something profound, but instead you're just left scratching your head. What's funny about this is that the first line you hear in the ending cutscene is "All the questions answered." NO, THEY WERE NOT.

I don't know what Senua's plot or story arc is supposed to be here. Does she even have a character arc in this game? I don't think she does! The game tries to toy with this idea of Senua feeling guilty for people dying... when we just spent a whole game where Senua was all alone? Senua feels like the deaths of others are her fault, and the voices in her head try to remind her of that. (Which they do a good job of. The psychosis portrayal when it comes to Senua herself is still very well-done) It just comes across as forced and doesn't really suit the kind of character arc that Hellblade 1 concluded with. Senua's story felt finite and this attempt feels aimless, a vainful venture to continue a character arc that was already concluded.

Here's an example. At the end of The Witcher 3, Geralt's story is pretty much done. This is why many speculate that The Witcher 4 will feature Ciri or a custom protagonist. Because what else is there to tell? Geralt did everything he can possibly do and his arc is at a satisfying end, so any further attempts to tell stories for Geralt will feel forced. Same thing here. Senua's story felt done already, so her arc in Hellblade II is most comparable to a D&D DM who is struggling to continue a campaign after his players hit the end of the planned Adventure.

I'm at a loss of what else to say since the experience is so short of an acid trip that I'm grasping at straws here. It's not even good acid!

I guess I can mention that it's voice-acted pretty well. I'm surprised Senua's VA hasn't gotten more roles.

All in all, Senua's confusing mess of a plot and lack of steady direction only reinforces my own personal belief that Hellblade didn't need a sequel at all.

Score: 66

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice was a game that I really enjoyed due to how unique the audiovisual design was. Yes it wasn't perfect, the combat and puzzles were especially tedious and really repetitive. Now 7 years later we finally got the long awaited sequel called Senua's Saga: Hellblade II and luckily the Devs said in a Developer Direct that they improved the biggest complaints which I've mentioned above. And they really had to improve the mechanics from the first game because Hellblade II being a sequel made it loses a lot of the uniqueness factor. So what did Ninja Theory improve exactly ? Tbh. almost nothing besides the beautiful graphics. The combat still consists out of the same four buttons prompts and the puzzles are also very similar. Sadly the puzzles are way easier than in Senua's Sacrifice and are almost no challenge. The only thing that they did change is the frequency of how often you have to engage in combat and solve puzzles. What did they replace it with? Yes walking. And when I say walking then I mean that there is a lot of walking. The first 40 minutes of the game are just walking and chapter 3 is basically just walking through a cave and lighting torches for an hour. This segment was just dragged out way too long and could have been a lot shorter. The voices inside Senua's head also weren't improved either, most of the time they are just a replacement for a UI where it tells you to look this way or to go that way. I just wished there was more to this feature besides that. The big selling point is obviously audio visual experience and yes the graphics are really beautiful. Same can be said about the smooth animations and the soundtrack. But besides that, that's about it. The story is less emotional captivating than one from the first game, I like that there are now side characters but unfortunately they were also pretty uninteresting.

Overall I can say that this is more of an art piece than a game and it can be really unpleasant to play for some people. I was also wondering what Ninja Theory did the whole time the last five - six years of development time. because the playtime is roughly five hours and these five hours you mostly walk around or watch cutscenes. There was also almost zero marketing which was weird because this is one of two big games for Microsoft this year. There might be two reasons for that, either they knew how short the game was and simply couldn't show more. Especially because there were two big "boss encounters" which were clearly the highlight of this game. The problem was that one of them was already spoilert with the announcement trailer 4 years ago. The other reason might be that Microsoft just simply didn't care and knew this game would flop. But it's also well known that Microsoft sucks at Marketing compared to Sony or Nintendo, so this wasn't a big surprise. If you look at the steam player count it peaked at roughly 4000 concurrent players which is bafflingly low. Yes this game is on gamepass which is where probably most of the players are coming from but that doesn't makes it better. I mean look at me for example, normally I prefer buying games, especially physical versions but I was already worried due to the lack of marketing and when I saw how short the games was I decided to play the game through Gamepass. I paid 1 € for one month but not just for Hellblade II, there are also 2 other games which I wanted to try, so I pretty much only paid ~ 0,34€. This worries me heavily after what happend to Tango Gameworks and Hi-Fi and I fear that Ninja Theory will be probably the next Studio on Microsoft's chopping block...sadly because you can clearly see how much passion the devs have. But I can't recommend playing this game throug gamepass and even less for ~50€ because gameplay-wise it's almost exactly the same as it's predecessor and a great example for a game with graphics over substance. This would have been better off as a tech demo to show off the powers of the Xbox console similar to what Sony did with Astro’s Playroom.The game ends so suddenly after teasing another big set piece(the third giant) that I can't stop feeling disappointed.

Games I finished in 2024 Ranked

A waste.

I didn't finish the original Hellblade. I remember spending about an hour wandering through a forest where traveling through a gate would change the surrounding terrain, and it just kept going and going and going far longer than it had any right to. It was a ridiculously badly-paced section that was placed early in what was set to be a padded game, so I stopped. In the wake of the news of Xbox shutting down some of my favorite modern studios, I was surprised to see that they'd picked up Ninja Theory back in 2018; I hadn't noticed, given how many companies Microsoft has been keen on acquiring in the past few years. To be perfectly transparent, I was going into this sour. It was with my arms folded and my face screwed up that I downloaded Hellblade II — a sort-of defiant "well, let's see what Xbox thinks is worth keeping alive if not Arkane and Tango". What I had managed to play of the original game was, at the very least, interesting. I figured Ninja Theory would be able to tread water and release something that was about on par with the last title.

It's worse.

I wrote in my Breath of the Wild review that people who thought that game was doing anything seriously impressive or novel probably haven't played many games. It wasn't an especially polite thing to say, and it ruffled some feathers, but I stand by it. I'd like to take this opportunity to go further and suggest that anyone praising Hellblade II for being like a movie probably doesn't watch many movies; if they do, they don't have any actual understanding of the medium beyond blind, uncritical consumption. I've seen praise get heaped on this for its cinematography when it's comprised almost exclusively of over-the-shoulder shots, the most bog-standard drone flyovers you've ever seen in your life, and simulated shaky-cam group shots where everyone stands stark still in a circle while having a conversation about nothing of importance. This is shot, cinematographically speaking, like shit. Watching this feels like someone gave a film student an eight-figure budget. Take a shot every time you're in one of the over-long combat encounters and Senua gets grabbed from behind to transition into the next battle.

While I was settling in expecting a visual feast, this is more of a visual buffet. Maybe a visual McDonald's. It looks good, to be certain, but it's really not that impressive. The mandatory upscaling present here forces some compromise to be made where it really ought not to be; DLSS is hailed as being the best option of the lot, but it still leaves shimmering artifacts on the edges of models where it can't quite get the anti aliasing right. Switch over to FSR and you can mostly get rid of the edge-shimmer, but it similarly demands that you manually set the sharpness a bit too high and fuck up the graphics everywhere else. I can say without hesitation that I've seen a lot of games that look significantly better than Hellblade II. For probably the same amount of money and about six months earlier, Alan Wake 2 does everything that this wants to and more convincingly. Go back a few years to Detroit: Become Human or Death Stranding and it's plain to see that those are far more impressive works from an entire console generation prior. I wouldn't normally give a fraction of a fraction of a fuck about graphical fidelity, but seeing all of the praise for how good this game looks makes me wonder if our eyes are working the same way.

I appreciate Crystar for pointing this out in her review, but Hellblade II has a very funny concluding monologue. Ending the game on the statement "all the questions were answered" implies that any answers were given, and further suggests that any questions were asked. There's not all that much that's ambiguous here, and the parts that are don't manage to raise any interesting questions. I had a feeling that the giants didn't actually exist, which Senua seemingly confirms at the end when she screams it at the final boss. "There are no giants, it's just you", she says. Unfortunately, the giants not being real means that most of the game didn't actually happen. All of the characters who were talking about giants weren't. All of the characters who died fighting the giants didn't. Everyone who thought they saw Senua kill a giant didn't. The natural disasters that the giants caused were just random and unrelated; whether they ended after Senua "killed the giants" is either another coincidence, or they didn't actually end at all. Cut all of this away, and there's really not much story left. Senua and her friends (who may not exist) trek across the land (which might be ravaged by natural disasters) while fighting the undead (who may not exist) so that Senua can get a blessing (that definitely doesn't exist) from a group of underground mystics (who definitely don't exist) until they get to the slaver king's doorstep and beat him in a fight. This reads like one of those early-10s fan theories about Rugrats being Angelica's dying dream. I know I like to exaggerate for comedy's sake when writing reviews like this, but this is a stone-faced recap of what happens. There are no jokes here.

The command to not pay too much attention to the writing comes a little too late into the game, long after you've already sat through dozens of ridiculously trite scenes. The bar for the writing sits around the point where Senua cries while looking at her bloody hands, and the voices in her head say "you have blood on your hands", just to make sure that you understand. The voices aren't much more than exposition fairies. They exist to recap story events that just happened with breathless awe, never giving you a chance to think about anything being said. A character will mention something that Senua hasn't heard of — giants that control the weather, let's say — and the voices immediately pivot to acting like confused toddlers. "Giants? What are giants? Can we kill a giant? Are giants real? They can't be real. There's no such thing as giants. We don't know what's real. Giants might be real. What does he know about giants? Why is he telling us about giants? I wonder how much he knows about giants. Does anyone know what giants are? What if he's lying? Can we ask someone else about giants?" It continues at this pace for about five hours until the game ends. The voices chattering on and on is one thing, and I could at least understand it as something the devs were doing to intentionally provoke the player, but this constant motor-mouthing falls apart when you enter into combat. The voices somehow don't have enough lines to cover these incredibly strict and linear fights, so they're constantly repeating themselves. I heard the line "their bodies strong like rocks, you have to hit harder!" four times in a single encounter, and at least ten in total before the game ended. I was half expecting them to start asking if I had any potions, or food. Add this to the canon of game characters who manage to annoy the player by spamming voice lines like they're running HLDJ.

Pacing is, regrettably, another factor that Ninja Theory has regressed on. A vast, vast majority of this game is spent holding the left bumper and up on the left stick. You walk forward, and you walk forward, and you walk forward, and Senua's never really in much of a hurry to get anywhere. You'll have a good twenty minutes where you're doing quite literally nothing besides walking in a straight line while the voices ask questions about shit that you already know. They'll also celebrate you figuring out the solutions to the ridiculously simple puzzles in the most simpering way imaginable. I do not need to be told that Senua is a very, very smart girl who can do no wrong when the game told me where the symbol was, and then automatically solved the puzzle for me when I held the focus button vaguely in its direction. These over-long sections where you walk around and do nothing are occasionally interrupted by over-long combat encounters where you tap dodge and spam light attacks, and that's where the fun really begins.

Most of these fights are fucking silly; the part where Senua interrupts the ritual is easily five minutes, as is the cave fight, as is the undead raid on the village. This is only as much of a problem as it is because Senua can only ever fight one enemy at a time, which makes them drag. There are about nine distinct enemy types that exist in the entire game, and they all take turns to lazily swing at Senua and slowly get chipped down. A lot of games that do mob fights will have some enemies hang back while others slowly come at you, but this doesn't even attempt to give you the illusion. Senua never has to fight more than one enemy at a time, regardless of how surrounded she is. What really gets me is the fact that this wasn't a problem in the original Hellblade. Enemies would come at you in twos and threes, and that was even in the earliest fights of the game. This is a total regression of a system that was already pretty thin, and the fact that Ninja Theory have cut out a majority of Senua's attacks to streamline the combat even further than it was boggles the mind.

There are glimmers of something good in here. I really do like the part in the cave where Senua starts to get the blessing from the hidden men, and the entire place lights up like a LIDAR scan. It's got some genuinely good pacing, too; you've got puzzle sections that lead into little combat encounters, and then those lead into walking sections, and that leads into a stealth section, and then it leads into another puzzle. It's the only place in the entire game where any of these systems feel like they're working together in harmony, rather than existing solely to interrupt one of the others for going on too long. It's a shame that Senua has to exist outside of that cave. I thought it was a good place for her to be. It was interesting, at least.

Anyway, I'm not sure I buy Ninja Theory's Games for Impact-bait shift in the past few years. I see their logo and I think back to how they would write Monkey killing escaping slaves because it was badass, or that GDC talk they did for DmC: Devil May Cry where they dedicated a section to making fun of Dante for being gay. The company, to my knowledge, has never really had a reckoning for any of that. Tameem Antoniades seems to have slipped out the back door just in time for this to release, but he's still got the sole creative director credit. I'm willing to believe that Senua's actress Melina Juergens actually believes in what she's doing — she's said in interviews that her father had a psychotic disorder, and she seems to have the most solid understanding of the crew when it comes to how the narrative ought to handle Senua's mental illness — but I'm not extending that faith much further than her. There's something about the documentaries that Ninja Theory self-publishes where they go over how very, very carefully they handled psychosis (we promise!) that doesn't pass the sniff test. I don't think it's bad that this exists, and I won't erase the people who have said that these games have been genuinely good reflections of their own mental illnesses; I just have some strong doubts that Ninja Theory is doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. One look at their back catalog suggests to me that they only wanted to make a Serious Mental Health Story because their old shit stopped selling and they could tell which way the wind started blowing. With the constant distractions of giant-slaying, risen undead warriors, and the sins of the fathers subplot, the current big game on the market "about psychosis" barely has time for the psychosis.

The conclusion that I'm forced towards, reductive as it is, is that people who love Hellblade II don't play anything else. They don't really watch anything else, either. I don't know what they do. It's not worth just harping on the fans, though; I don't think many people dislike this game for the right reasons, either. Complaining about a game not offering a good enough playtime-to-dollar ratio is peabrain shit. People also cry about Senua being Sweet Baby-core because she's got peach fuzz and bug eyes, all acting as though she isn't the the textbook definition of conventionally attractive. And the game isn't bad because it's story-focused — the game is bad because it's fucking boring. You engage with it in a boring way, and it tells a boring story. This isn't an inherently broken game. The concept is fine. It's the execution where Ninja Theory makes it clear that they've got no fucking clue what they're doing.

Great photo mode, though.

The forgotten king.

It's always Sam & Max, Day of the Tentacle, Secret of Monkey Island that come up when the conversation turns to the classic Lucasarts point 'n' clicks. And they're great games, worthy of being in the conversation. But Fate of Atlantis? That's where the real heat is.

First off: the tone is pitch perfect. Everything about Fate of Atlantis feels like an Indiana Jones movie, from the dialogue to the locations to the plot and beyond. Jones is cynical, stubborn, a bit sexist. His co-star - Sophia Hapgood - gets under his skin, holds her own, spars with him verbally. You trot the globe with the classic map screen, break out the whip, reference previous adventures. It's glorious, as on point as it could be, the secret fourth movie.

But the real secret, the best part? There are three distinct paths through the game, triggered by an early dialogue choice. Want the classic point 'n' click experience? That's the wits path. Want more action? Fists. The best, however, is team, with Sophia coming along and bringing that pulp adventure vibe to life.

There's more. The locations change on each path, the puzzles and dialogue as well. And those puzzles themselves often have multiple solutions, both within their paths and between playthroughs, some light randomization changing locations of objects and the solutions to reach them. Moreover, hidden in all that is a wealth of optional dialogue, quips and snarks, little tidbits to discover on that second or third playthrough.

Moon logic puzzles are almost entirely absent, benign enough when encountered due to the self-contained nature of the scenarios. There's a labyrinth at one point, which is never a favorite, a door maze as well. Minor issues in the end, and nothing that tarnishes the crown rightfully owed to Lucasart's finest adventure game.