the video-game for the modern lesbian

"hey, i just finished space funeral for the first time. cool game. do you know about les rallizes dénudés? i read on the wikipedia page that their bassist hijacked a plane. crazy lol"

If this game was a blanket, it would make for the coziest night ever but unfortunately it's a video-game and that amount of padding is unacceptable

a masterpiece in insanity, i cannot comprehend how much of a cosmic mess this game is

the most insane, maddening game you'll play outside of omikron the nomad soul. whilst i can be out here being the biggest asshole and defending the annoying/bad stuff as actually being good because it serves a greater thematic purpose, it doesn't mater if it was done on purpose or not because it works. the laborious, bloody gameplay. the looping, cutting music. the way the game in the second half turns into a horrific nightmare and everything goes wrong. it's amazing!

also big credit to the game for having the best final boss ever. just the perfect, most extra step way to top off this already frenzied video-game.

never want to play it again

A game that genuinely makes you feel happy to be alive. It's a masterpiece. The surprisingly great story for a Platinum game, punchy writing and creativity of Kamiya in both the playfulness of the combat and the variety in gimmicks leave this ending up as one of the greatest games ever made.

A rollercoaster ride that ends on one of the best quick time events in video-games PERIOD. Brings a tear to my eye every time.

this is what video-games will look like in the year 2012

for jonathan blow's next game, it's just tetris except the board is upside down. when you reach speed level 5 a bertrand russell video plays behind the board where he debates god's existence on a single shot for 40 minutes. then when you hit level 20, the game pauses and Intolerance: Love’s Struggle Throughout the Ages (1916) plays for three and a half hours over the top with an ending questionaire about how it made you feel. once you hit level 50, the game ends. the amazing twist is revealed that it was a pov shot of a man playing the game on a screen the entire time. he looks to the left and gets hit by a truck. metacritic 95

This review contains spoilers

This is a game I'm glad I sat on for a while before writing anything about or rating because what initial strong positive feeling I had after just finishing the game have mostly faded away now. nirvanA Initiative isn't a bad game but it's definitely one that gets worse the more you leave it to stew in the back of your mind.

First, the stuff I liked! The writing in general, like the first game, gave me plenty of laughs over the course of the playthrough. Sure, there's the incredibly immature and pointed sex jokes about boning and boobs that I always appreciate but also some of the bizarre jokes and non-sequiturs that either have incredibly confusing punchlines or just go nowhere also had me laughing. I don't know if Uchikoshi just wanted to be Weird sometimes or if the translators just had an aneurysm trying to localise some of the jokes and just absolutely couldn't so they just left them as raw as possible...either way, the writing in that back department kept me entertained throughout.

The new characters are also generally good with the two BIG highlights being Tokiko and Bibi/Quartz/Oh No There's Two of Them. Tokiko is cool because mysterious unhinged simulation theory cult leading older lady who is proven correct is an idea that you write on a napkin to make a billion dollars with later and Quartz's reveal was probably the hypest moment for me. I really enjoy Mizuki's character in the A.I. Somnium Files games and so for there to be TWO of the exact same person but one is a bit more dry and sarcastic was the Lucky & Wild pairing that I didn't know I needed. The reveal was such a pop off and I really hope the two Mizuki's become the main focus of any potential future Somnium Files games. Heck, give em a spin off where they just solve crimes together. Fuck Date, fuck Aiba, fuck Ryuji; all the hands on the clock point to Mizuki.

In general though I wanna make it clear that nirvanA Initiative is good. Punchy dialogue, tap drop of twists, endearing characters and some more adventurous somnium gameplay sections keep the game going until it's finale where everything explodes and people use superpowered scooters to save the day against the evil menace. The problems with it though start to set in the more you think about it afterwards and ultimately make the game feel a lot more hollow. Like for instance, the big twist in this game.

If there's one key skill that Uchikoshi can put onto his CV is that he can write twists into his video-games. Guy loves em. He knows I do too! In general I think most of his big plot twists have been fruitful, if they aren't totally smart they at least affect the plot and the game itself in some way, the one in 999 comes to mind as being wonderfully done. The plot twist in nirvanA Initiative though feel likes it was written because Uchikoshi has to write some sort of twists into his games now as it all feels entirely empty.

So obviously massive spoilers ahead but the main set up for the game is that you play as two different characters who experience two different set of events 6 years apart from each other and their timelines are presented as being parallel to each other on the in-game menu. The big twist is that actually instead of being parallel, the two different timelines actually INTERSECT and so some of the events in the first timeline happen in the present day and some of the second timeline events actually happen 6 years in the past. When this got revealed I actually paused the game for like an hour and tried to defog my brain of the television static that suddenly buzzed into my mind, throwing up old cabinet files, looking over past events in a caffinated state trying to make sense of what I was looking at...it was a pretty cool moment in said moment. Problem is the more you start to play the game and see how the twist turns out the more you realise that it doesn't actually matter at all. The twist itself doesn't actually change anything ingame, the events still took place and everybody still experienced their own time linearly it's just that YOU the player (yes you) got duped! Except that...also doesn't really change anything! For you! At least in a major way, some events start to make a bit more sense looking back on them but the problem is that after the twist is given to you, the characters just completely ignore it and go back to finishing the story the same way they would've even if the twist never happened. It's totally irrelevant to the game itself! The game even seems to make this clear by having the twist be revealed not through some ingame discovery or plot drop by a relevant ingame character, they just dump it all on Mama to tell it to someone who isn't even a real character in the game during some side sequence. It's weird. I might be missing some grand revelation here that makes it all seem a lot deeper or affecting than it is but at the minute, from my memory of playing it last September, it didn't really do anything. Answers on a postcard if you have any corrections for me.

And one of the largest problems with the plot twist being totally limp, outside of it being bad, is that the entire game's structure suffers for it because the game has to be built around it so meticulously to the detriment of the pacing. There's definitely a point 2/3rds of the way through Ryuji's playthrough where I got a little tired of the sluglike pacing of the game that I might have dropped it for an entire week to get it out of my system before returning to it.

Also the twist implications mean that characters can't grow naturally over six years because they need to be the same as they were in both past and present as not to reveal the twist to early. Plus dudes just do some really stupid or illogical stuff to keep the twist hidden, like did both Mizuki's just so happen to have the exact same dress sense?...whatever, I know I'm talking a lot about the twist here but it has to be said how much it kinda ruins the game. Sure, the writing was maybe never that deep to begin with that even with the twist gone this wouldn't have been that amazing of a game anyways. There's a list of general smaller problems I have that I won't get into because this review is already too long (everyone just so happens to be related to each other, hey remember when we just walked into the super secret naix offices wtf), so yeah this game would always have been maybe a 7/10 max or something but it's upsetting how poorly handled the twist is to mangle the entire project.

The only thing I can think of that could really, genuinely save this game retroactively is if this whole simulation theory revelation feeds into a larger plot in a sequel where the twist in this game actually becomes something relevant going further. Like, maybe Somnium Files 3 is based around the character Mama reveals the twist to in this game and they're some sorta worker at the company that manages the Wadjet System and something something they also have tech that manages multiple universe or something idk.

All I can say is that if that ever happens, the Mizuki Twins better be there.

An Ode to Neon White:

Oh Neon White
Your levels are well designed and controls are tight
Before you I was never into speedrunning much
But now I've went and done every Hell Rush

Oh Neon White
Last summer all I did was play you into the night
Sweating in my chair at 37 degrees, hunched up to my knees
Replaying the first level to beat my friend's record
Accidentally entering the Top 50 world leaderboard

Oh Neon White
Your aesthetics are on point, character art is a delight
There's not much I can fault you for, if I'm to be polite
You're the game of 2022 as far as I can see
Oh and by the way, thanks for the Machine Girl LP

But Oh Neon White
Your story and dialogue could be better
I just wish it wasn't written by Twitter

This is a really unique game to me because it's a game that just does not work and the devs didn't try to do anything smart with it at all. A story told through narration where there's no sound because the player is "deaf" is something that can only be done through subtle storytelling that's built around that game but the devs sought it fit to instead do the most boneheaded thing which was to make a normal beat em up game and then simply removing all the sound from it, until you play through it a second time and oh wow now you can hear what was really going on!

Problem is you're sitting through your first playthrough watching a five minute cutscene where people are talking and the camera is focused on people's faces and you just sit there stoopified and nervously giggling to yourself because nothing is happening because you have no sound! You can't understand the scene because you're supposed to hear the dialogue! But they don't want you to! Even more more bizarre is the main character who's deaf is apparently understanding what people are saying in the cutscene but you, the player, aren't! Oh my god! Also the combat is bad, the story itself isn't that great when you hear it....

Like, I'll be honest, this game is bad but I kinda have to respect the developers for putting it out the way it is. I'm not saying they're secret genuises or deserves to be awarded for the state of the game but, a game published by a major name in an age of hyper polished, railroaded safe experiences that are terrified about offending or leaving players lost, I have to appreciate it just a little bit for what it is. A total mess that could've been stopped many times but instead was given the go ahead and even a spot at an E3 conference. In 2018. Man.

magical girl survival horror. this game RULES.

A miku picross sounds like a no brainer good game but the lack of options in this thing completely ruins my enjoyment of it, the biggest one being that you can't turn the assists off! If you fill in a spot that isn't correct, wether you got it wrong or you accidentally moved the sticks too far in a direction you didn't want to, "FUCK YOU" says Miku as she stares sadly at you for even thinking that was right, filling in the entire row for you unasked and denying you the no assist tick for the puzzle not because you didn't turn them off but purely because you triggered them.

Now I play Hatusune Miku Logic Paint S in abject fear, making sure to never make one mistake under Hatsune Miku's all seeing eye lest the entire puzzle is ruined. Hatesune Miku doesn't believe in second chances. Tread carefully. It might be your last mistake.

On the plus side though, it has really cute unlockable art!

Be a dog. No wait, be a chick. Hmmm...actually, be a panther. No! Be a bear! WAIT, you can be a dinosaur be a dinosaur! Nah, let's be reasonable and be a dog. Okay, now survive in tokyo by eating and mating. Okay, now visit the chicken party that's being held in the forest outside tokyo for funsies. Oh fuck, you died on the way there, now you take control of your baby you got from when you fucked that alpha queen. Now you'll wanna seperate yourself from your father a bit so maybe put these cool glasses on your pomeranian face and wear a schoolgirl outfit. Cute! Yooooo, everything's poisoned. You're poisoned, the food you're eating is poisoned and the only place that isn't poisoned is a district that's overrun with dinosaurs. Okay now you're dead. I told you you should've been the dinosaur!



Also there's a story mode that involves time travel.

Spelunky feels unique in that, whilst being a multiple floor dungeon run type of roguelike, it surpasses the average game of the genre by having a lot of variables in it (and i don't mean potion effects). There's different variants of levels, different types of levels you can access on each floor...SECRETS! The game is built on secrets! What seems at first to be maybe a simple but fun indiana jones simulator turns into a game that has a lot more depth than you first thought. The world of Spelunky is always interesting and dynamic and for that I have to give it a buttload of credit cus it's what makes this game timeless and replayable even 7 years after first playing it.