i cried when this was announced and i cried when i booted the game i cant believe how much kirby is emotionally ruining my life

return to dreamland has been one of my fav games for the longest time since i was like 7 yo or something when i used to play and replay it day and night and i honestly could not believe it when this remaster was announced it was something absolutely breathtaking that i only experienced when SMTV was announced and if you know me im a huge smt fag

i played this game something like 30 times between the normal mode and hard mode and i feel like i could play this blindfolded its just that muscle memory that makes me go so smoothly to the point that i think i finished the base game in like 4 hours this game is short but i dont think its THAT short so i think im sick in the head but anyway that means this game has no secrets for me and still i get back to it every year because i miss my pink ball so much

this also was the first game that made me acquaint with the pink ball of wonders and to this day i love him so dearly i swear i got a recurring joke with some friends about me being kirby because we were born the same day and we are both ENFP so like this is genuinely my entire personality

the review i made for return to dreamland wii didnt really contain all my feelings for this game so its the time to do it on this one

in general this game is quite a standard kirby for the series and you got some fun multiplayer to boot (didnt experience it even once because i got no friends but it looks fun at least) and you follow titular character + the whole crew waddle dee king dedede and meta knight ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ my boyfriend i love him so fucking much in a quest to help poor little magolor from another dimension who got stranded on planet pop and his ship is all fucked up so you gotta help him and all going through different classic worlds that got some parts of the ship

now this is p bland but when i tell you that this game is full of life its so fun its so charming its so UGHHHHHHHH i love it

apart from the ship parts (boss reward) theres some ship gears around the levels that are needed to open up some parts of the ship for extra content like ability rooms or minigames and such so nothing that important i dont usually like collectibles and i dont care but i do religiously seek at least the most important ones or the ones that i remember because its part of the experience to be honest

a gimmick that was added in this game was the mega abilities which to this day still hype me up THEYRE SO FUCKING COOL like you got a big ass sword or a fire dragon or a huge hammer and you tell me not to scream and then theres that ost going tu tu tu TURUTUTUTU TATATATTAT yea no i love mega abilities i think about them everyday

at its core this is a platformer with some puzzle elements as in you gotta think about what ability to use or what to do to get some ship gears but thats basically it everything else is delicious action platformer content
so you go through the levels reconstruct the lor go through some other levels beat landia and then beat the TRUE FINAL BOSS WOOOOOOOOOOO not gonna spoil here anyway so the end

onto remaster stuff

im not a big fan of graphics as in i do not really care how many polygons there are for what i care they could all be 2d triangles i needed to point that out because the other day i was talking with a friend and i told him did you play uncharted and he said no i dont play games like those the graphics are too outdated (?) what ps3 graphics are outdated ok man live your truth so what i wanted to say with this was graphics got better DUh the landscapes are delicious the characters shine of a new light every monster and every environmental element has been polished and pushed to the limits of graphical fidelity and the background images are outstanding to look at but what really got me here are the little artistic touches now THATS the big stuff for me like the little star animations between levels or the new polished UI or even the characters restyling which is less evident in most of them apart from king dedede who looks GORGEOUS in the forgotten lands style hes … hes kinda hot can i say taht here can i umh is that allowed umh ok

also they got some sexy outlines i love outlines

OST remained quite the same i think i dont have the kind of ears to know what the fuck is different between some tracks i needed to listen to kingdom hearts 2.5 remix music and original kh2 ost like 10 times to know what was the difference but again the music in this game is phenomenal if youd let me say this so honestly theres nothing to remix or arrange its prolly just been hd scaled or something so love it

gameplay is basically the same what is different here is the new additional content aiding the gameplay

wii motion controls were seamlessly adapted for the switch control set in mind and work flawlessly even though i kinda miss shaking my fucking wii remote to the hell and back but im fine with pressing B i guess

new abilities were added theres festival who acts like a screen bomb clear which is fine and theres mecha and sand now i thought i was gonna love mecha ability which somehow i do but what really took me by surprise is the fact that i fuck with sand ability too much what the hell that ability is so fun did you look at the moveset that shits amazing people you need to try it firsthand wows

super abilities are mostly the same but they got some faster gameplay and that animation flair uuuuuuuuh delicious fucking great i love the little magic ball animation he looks so fierce kribri i love yoiiiiiiiuuuuuuuu kirbuuuuuuuuu

clearly since theres new abilities but also in general the levels got revamped to some degree to accommodate the new stuff but to the core this is the exact same game you can trust me this is basically return to dreamland wii with fancy graphics

now theres also a new world called merry magoland which is basically a hall for the countless minigames (that i didnt even try if you know me you know i fucking hate minigames im sorry thats true maybe its the trauma from final fantasy fort condor minigame) and where you can use the new ticket collectibles in the level to unlock some useful objects to carry in the levels and get some masks for kirby to wear like its fucking majoras mask this is so funnt they also make sounds im dead anyway this is basically a waddle dee town from the forgotten land clone but its a cute addition anyway for the base game also it looks like magolor my bf so its fine

theres also some missions i guess . never did them goodbye also the bosses get in here after you beat their asses

theres a magolor helper mode if you suck . i dont suck haha so i didnt need it HAHA I FINISHED THE GAME WITH 50+ LIVES LEFT SUCK MY DICK im failing at life but at leasst i can play kirby

i think thats all the new stuff ………………….. I THINK ? idk

ok so anyway MID SPOILER actually if you havent played return to dreamland yet what are you doing honestly

whatever after the final battle against magolor which is one of my fav final bosses of all time literally its perfect its great i love it i want every game to be like this ok anyway you unlock the usual stuff hard mode (didnt do it) arena (didnt do it) and then

a surprise i was not fucking expecting a brand new holy shit magolor mode for people like me who absolutely love magolor . i screamed i screamed i was not ready for this and wow . wow when i finished the main game it was already a 5☆ this sealed the deal

you play as magolor after being defeated by kirby and besties and being stripped of every power in true metroid esque fashion and gets stranded in a place between dimension where he needs to go through some levels to piece together AN . ? apple ok weird twist but anyway

I LOVED THIS MODE . I LOVED IT THIS IS GREAT its like nightmare returns the mode where you play as meta knight but with my other fav character so like . this was particularly made for me as you all can tell

main gimmick is magolor got some basic skills that you can power up by going through levels and acquiring some spirit tears or something so then you can use them to idk get the main attacks range longer or attack stronger to shit like making him faster or modify some abilities or increase the health bar its just . its great you can slowly and steadily see him go from a wounded little bitch to a strong magus and UGHHHHHH i love it i love his movesets i love the levels he goes through i love acquiring the tears in normal levels or extra levels and make him stronger this mode absolutely blew my mind its just wow

wow

so whatever the levels are actually “new” even though they do use the same assets of the base game and the bosses are just reskins of the main game ones but still with new movesets and anyway whats really different here is magolor animation arsenal of spells and absolutely cute battle cries hes ……. hes fucking great people

finished all of this you get to battle against possibly one of my new fav bosses in this series which funnily enough is a tree and no its not whispy woods so thats already 1 less

anyway umh great battle and i love seeing magolor smile in the end hes a sweet boo oof i want to hug him ok

OH ALSO theres remixed osts i forgot about them theyre the base game ones but with some extra flare and i ended up bopping to every of them so good good stuff

so umh

i guess this is it this really is a piece of my heart i just love this game to the moon and back and its still a big part of my life today as it was 10 years ago funnily enough

its kinda weird playing a game that you know everything about and still get excited like it is the first time booting it up idk its a weird feeling do you get that feeling too idk its just yeah

if you look at my ratings i dont usually put 5 stars to basically anything apart from smt mainline stuff and possibly jak 3 or sly 3 or ratchet deadlocked if i played them again because those are also big parts of my childhood and adolescence and to this day they still have a big weight on me like they never left and i guess its due to give this tribute to one of the dearest games i have a 10/10

i enjoyed everything about the remake and they even managed to make me fucking excited for new stuff with the magolor epilogue so congrats nintendo you stole my heart yet again with this pink ball

the forgotten land was a great game that is gonna be a 4.5 stars soon because thats just how much i loved it but still this is the game that i think about when kirby comes to my mind

umh

that was long

this is probably gonna be the definitive edition to play this game for the next replays to come even though i will go back to the wii version from time to time and idle in my childhood yet again playing as the gluttonous pink sphere being from space

i just wish sakurai knew how much this series meant for me

klonoa isn't real

i swear this is the first thing that came to mind after finishing this game i just cant possibly believe this is a real game that exists in the videogame landscape its literally the most heartbreaking and powerful story conclusion ive ever witnessed in some time and I COULD NOT believe this game had it in it im completely astounded

p wild because I actually played some levels like 6 months ago 1 level every 2 days and then up to 3 - 1 I think I just dropped it and then I came back to it and now I dont want to ever get away from this game ever again

klonoa is a 2d platformer and by that you can imagine what the gameplay is gonna be like but theres a nuance this cute cat bunny canny something is First And Foremost the cutest living being ive seen in my life hes so cute and brave and I want to protect him with my entire willpower but he also got a magic ring that makes the enemies male preg and inflated or something so thats pretty weird BUT this is the basis for one of the best platforming sequences ever I swear its true you can solve puzzles kill other enemies jump twice with these balloons its something else when youre there I swear

and incredibly enough this doesnt feel as difficult as it sounds because you will get the hang of it in vision 1 - 1 pretty quick and it will expand on its own mechanics to heighten the puzzle solving stuff to another level completely

+his little "double jump" when he struggles to stay in the air is so adorable wow who thought about that. who wh who thoug ht klonoa I love you so much

these mechanics sound v straightforward at first but you know whats gonna butter your ass and fuck you raw ? difficulty curve

this game can be hard and when I say hard I say dying and repeating whole platformer sequences or maybe even levels entirely the punishment is UNREAL but yknow also why this game doesnt feel that punishing ? because of the excellent excellent excellent level and enemy design that makes the challenges a joy to beat even with the chains of jumps or shield enemies or insta death situations or BOOMERANG ENEMIES OH MY GOD THOSE FUCKING BOOMERANGS

funnily enough this also influences the fact that quickly levels stop to adhere to the left-to-right environments and concentrate on foreground-background kind of puzzles or even "exploration" (5 - 1 where you can get the stone keys or whatever theyre called in whichever order youd like) honestly this game got a lot of great ideas and experimentation in this field and it all pays off

possibly one of my fav levels is 6 - 2 where you basically get micro sections of a tower that slowly opens up until you finally get to the top of the fortress and get to beat the shit out of ghadius im . this game I swear

even bosses feel too interesting to be real and entirely use the game gimmicks to another level they are used as ammo and foe at the same time im just wow klonoa developers are so clever their brains ughhhh so big

in a landscape of 2d platformers that feel either too cheap or too difficult klonoa manages to be challenging enough but still feels kinda fair and also get good you suck . (I suck too it's ok)

that being said
v cool for a platformer
I dont like platformers that much
actually I do but whatever
umh

whatever what klonoa has for it tho apart from its great level design is the . art direction . my People klonoa artistic development is something that caravaggio would envy if he wasnt dead tbh its just THAT good

on a technical note all the characters (apart from CGs) are 2d in a v evident contrast with the entire world that is composed of 3d polygons which is something that could mean that … this game is 2.5 ? is that the definition I dont remember anyhow yeah all the characters are animated to heaven and beyond they got so much character and personality and . I love them all …..

also the atmosphere really sells the whole dreamlike aesthetic and made my dissociation even stronger honestly but its just that wild

its just UGHHH I love this game its something else the colors the art style and the graphics just complement each other entirely

this also carries over to the sound direction and . its stellar its amazing the music is fucking great and really adds to the whole experience its that kind of idk bubbly platformer idle music or something you get me but as the world slowly gets sucked into nightmare it starts to get more wicked more action esque and more sinister so so good please listen to the ost its really good

that apart the SFXs and all carry af and now . the best part of the game . the phantomilian

I got v strong positive opinions about phantomilian and I swear if you tell me you don't like it . trust you will be dealt with . period period

UGHHHH I love phantomilian it's so cool and also the reason why I almost had a nervous break down when I opened klonoa wii (after like 1 day of finishing klonoa ps1 because I got into a Stockholm syndrome -like state for this game that I needed some more of it more on that later) and I was introduced to a klonoa and huepow talking English ? . ENGLISH ? nah shawty stop playing with me rn I adore phantomilian and hate english va as a whole this was not a good day for me THEN I found out I could put phantomilian from the settings and my day shined bright again thank you jesus

anyhow phantomilian is cool af if you didnt get it from my never ending infatuation to it im honestly kind of a big slut for invented languages theyre so fucking cool honestly and also in a way break the entire language barrier between voice acting its just the creators going oh I so don't want to pay voice actors lets just create a language and I'm so up for that I got a mind erection honestly I wish every game in existence had fictional languages im not even joking

also the fact that it's ALL phantomilian but everyone speaks a different kind of phantomilian and still they kind of understand what the other person is saying ? weird and kinda unrealistic but it's just so cute honestly klonoa uses all kinds of expressions rupurudu manyamanirupu wahoo hanya what the fuck is this honestly and then theres huepow that uses inflections of his name going yuppi pyuu and shit like that and EVERYONE in this game has their own speech style patterns and words its unreal and also conveys a lot about their personality + can you believe this is one of the most emotional and strong voice acting ive ever heard in my entire life no I ain't joking here guys some of the most heart wrenching powerful vehement competent groundbreaking moving and more adjectives voice acting ever is in a game where a cat bunny does stuff ? I would've laughed if you had told me this before but it's real and i love it

and also another reason why I cried like a bitch in the end

SPOILER AHEAD making this v fast
klonoa is fucking around and finds the wind ring . omg I just realised why it's called 風のクロノア ok anyway when he finds this ring a ball something being spirit called huepow comes out and they become friends then one day a ship crashes and they investigate and they find joka (who unsurprisingly looks like a fucking clown) and ghadius (umh I like his design but I dont understand to this day what he is like is he just a mask he doesn't have anything inside his cloak ok whatever) searching for The Moon Pendant ™ and kidnapping the songstress lephise and they then decide to chase them

they travel to grandmother to know where the fuck is the pendant and she tells them that grandfather got the pendant tough shit so they put the brakes on and go back to his house and while they get there joka kills him . so you cry like a bitch because honestly this game is a nightmare (haha pun) and it wants to make you suffer like a dog so anyway after you cry the journey to kill ghadius starts again you go through some v austere environments and the realisation that huepow is the prince of the moon kingdom or shit like that not that important and then he tells klonoa hes a dream and youre like "omg //// gay sons" and kill both joka and ghadius (bitches hate them homophobic peers) but when ghadius dies he unleashes nahatomb which is umh a beast of some sort like nightmare fueled whatever that means ok well i dont care because he ends up dead too

so ok you kill him everyones safe klonoa and huepow good around and then you're hit with the feels . huepow explains that klonoa is actually not from this world because he called him and planted fake memories into his mind and now after lephise sings her song to regenerate the world he's gonna get back to his real world and this escalates to possibly the most haunting final FMV I've ever witnessed in my life i was left completely dry of tears my mind ached and I was gonna die on the spot it was something else I swear the way its animated and the way both klonoa and huepow look and sound desperate for having their best friend eradicated from their world forever the VA delivery is insane INSANE GUYS oh my god i cant believe this and . the "forced to say goodbye" trope always hits me too much (see: famous gay political furry visual novel adastra) and was absolutely overkilled for real

and then I was left with the credits that I did not see because they were blurry of the tears the feels just hit me and with that the realisation that this game is possibly the most heartbreakingly sweet narrative I've ever witnessed in modern day Italy and not its just

too good

bye

when I told a friend that the words klooa yuppi yuppi yuupo papapyuu (klonoa it's time for you to go home back to your phantomile) caused the most violent crying fit of this year they proceeded to bully me and I understand that too well like . I understand

YAHOO MANYAA MANYAAAAA

I'm playing the second game and im incredibly scared about the way this story Is gonna unfold im hoping I won't cry like a bitch but yknow what's gonna happen ? I'm gonna cry a lot that's it this is klonoa I'm gonna tear my hair out

im gonna boost this game to a 4.5 soon I just know it klonoa just cant leave my damn mind

klooa and yuupo are gay by the way somebody had to say it

I want that ring to make stuff mpreg umh no I wanted to say umh umh

at first I thought it was kaze no kuronoa because he can stay in the air for like 2 seconds after a jump maybe I am stupid

joka is the best boss I love it its so ugh pleasing like the 3d aspect on a 2d road is soooooo wow how do they do that the sheer experimentation wow

klooa yuppi yuppi yuupo papapyuu hysterically crying

update: thats it 4.5

few games linger in your brain cells for decades and decades to come and super mario galaxy wouldnt be able to leave my mind even if i wanted to

this is a game that monumentally changed the course of my life into the deranged all nighter videogame addicted junkie depressed mess of a person i am today and it is all thanks to this masterpiece

i used to play this game when i was little A LOT and somehow it didnt end up being only romanticised in my head by the nostalgia but even playing it after so many years it still shimmers of a beauty of its own that i cant even understand fully to this day

it looks beautiful as fuck the atmosphere is unmatched the graphics still hold up the gameplay is simple yet addicting and the story is probably the best in the 3D collectathon mario games and caused me a 20 year old adult to bawl my eyes out not only during the finale but also during the entirety of rosalinas storybook which many years ago left me with a lasting ptsd that still echoes to this day

in the end i kinda believe that if everyone in the world played this game maybe more people would know what kindness and empathy and tenderness mean . but thats just me

not a huge fan of walking simulators in general so this is already an accomplishment for the game to achieve a 7/10 (which is good fans dont kill me please pleek pleek)

i actually think that the way the story is told with the whole words in the air whatever thing actually managed to make me focused on what was happening because ADHD is a thing that could be eating me alive and the restricted interactivity of the game gets the point across for me

story wise its pretty cool and exploring the familys overarching traumas that passed the test of time is incredibly interesting and even though i thought it wouldve gotten real boring real quick the different "gameplay" and storytelling of each one of these bite sized epitaphs piqued my interest in a way i didnt think this game could be able to and going for a stroll through finch manors (i dont know if its called like this but thats the name i used to refer to the house in my mind) impossible geometry architecture and verticality using secret passages (that tbh kinda fueled my claustrophobia but lets ignore that) is great

i feel like the manor is kind of a metaphor for the familys odd nature (tough shit probably 99+ youtubers already made a video about this analogy and im acting like discovering america) and oof theres some stories here that really take the cake in the disturbing or distressing factor

clearly my fav tales were the cat one and the fish factory one and also the baby bath one kind of i think this is where the narrative abilities of the devs (and also their usage of the medium) really shine through and i hate them for putting the cat one as the first story because i still feel kind of nauseous about it i think the "fish stuff" has become a meme im not aware of because while playing the game a friend came up to me on discord and said "oh shit the fish scene game omg i finished the game feeling kind of hollow but i didnt cry" and so i told him im 100% sure it wouldnt make me cry more than famous furry gay vn adastra did and proceeded to send him the guy fucking a fish meme whatever

lewis was a fucking blast because the "epitaph part" makes you do 2 things at a time with the 2 analogs trying to convey the methodical nature of this guys day to day life in contrast to his daydreaming wonders and also its the one that possibly hit me the most as a not so mentally sane person myself

and also lewis in the little sketch is kinda cute i want him as a bf i can fix him

wow this review doesnt make sense and also i dont know english ok umh nice fish game cute experience for a less than 2 hours runtime and a testament that walking simulators can be good

i didnt cry in the end which is pretty weird for me since i actually cry for every fucking piece of media ever created but maybe the dreamlike feel of it all made the events distant and hard to relate for me at least (says the person who cried for 4 hours straight during a furry vn where a gay sexy space wolf abducts and courts you)

biggest twist was that the girl was pregnant i audibly gasped like you know your family tree has a curse deal going on and you dont use condoms ? sweetie we need to talk

also this game is so weird like "i want to know the truth behind my family members mysterious deaths" proceeds to win the golden medal in trekking and climbing

when i first saw the dragon i was like OMG WHOS A GOOD BOY YOURE SO CUTE AND ADORABLE AND cries now after 99+ attempts at beating that piece of shit the mere sight of it gives me some very nasty and traumatic war flashbacks which is very weird for my experience with this game since i beat a couple of bosses first try and i actually think The Devil™ took me less attempts but anyway what do i know i suck at this game and it was a blast nonetheless

by the way in italian the devil is called satanasso which isnt a word per se but is composed by satana + asso which respectively mean satan and ace in italian because... yknow the whole casino gambling cards aesthetic the italian translation team deserves a very long kiss on the lips

I still can't play persona 3 reload which means I'm actually gonna kms some time from now because wow am I gonna go crazy if I can't play that game soon lawd

so what happened is that my mind went mmmmm okay you can't really play p3r you should just finish that “the answer playthrough ™” you had going on , biggest mistake of my life possibly worst 30 hours of my entire being and trust me I had and have rough times

mind you the answer is the canonic epilogue of the persona 3 experience you get the final stretch of the game where people are actually coping with the loss of *+;£&×]”> and for that reason you actually get some insight on the aftermath of that event playing in the shoes of cunty apathetic robot aegis who all of the sudden gets the power of the former main character while he watches all this when the dormitory becomes a close space in which the only date possible on the calendar is March 31th which is pretty funny cause this year its gonna be Easter I love gregorian calendar and also the only possible way to understand what's happening is another android with a siscon that comes out from a hole in the ground and just starts talking about killing everybody to save aegis I just love sisterhood <3

so yeah at this point they just get some answers out of her and the TLDR is theres a huge abyss under the dormitory she's doesn't know anything apart from destruction and for some reason she's related to aegis and has a persona and at this point anxiety kicks in . is the abyss gonna be … tartarus v02 ? and the answer is not only is the abyss of dick sucked gonna be worse than OG tartarus its gonna be even more boring way harsher incredibly unbalanced for the sake of making the game harder and padding for play time and with bosses that seemingly have elution 3000 so that you're really gonna love grinding for those 5 minutes cutscenes in total

see the thing is this the answer is advertised as being a harder mode of the original persona 3 and that means that you're gonna have NO persona compendium whatsoever the enemies are gonna FUCK . YOU . UP . and the only thing you can do for them to not ride you condom less is grinding levels over levels and personas over personas until you can have a chance to do an all out attacks to bosses way out of your league

I don't really mind an harder challenge but I don't think that all these handicaps actually make for a fun ride altogether you can be the best tactician of the world and still do 10 dmg all out attacks so what's actually the point of this if the only real solution is grinding

for the most part the cutscenes are really interesting and make for some great insight to each character even though the real meat of the narrative is gonna be encountered at the end of the game but to be honest at this point it's not really worth it to grind 5 hours for 5 minutes cutscenes

apart from the duck taped gameplay the themes of coping with grief and moving on really resonated with me it's something that accompanies each and every one of us and somehow the characters in this game all had to cope with some type of loss in their lives and try to overcome it together . for as much as I liked this stuff I guess its pretty underdeveloped throughout the little you're gonna see of each character is so fucking good and then the escalation of this incredible thematic approach is a BATTLE ROYALE ??? you're fucking with me rn

metis is a nice addition to a cast of mentally troubled teens but she's also less developed than I wanted her to be theres a lot of great great scenes with her mainly the fucking crying fit that unfortunately hit way less than they should be due to how messy this storyline was developed and while many of you are not gonna be with me on this one . I really enjoy yukaris characterisation here not only did they not ruin the character for me but they even enhanced her image in my mind making her skyrocket in the pantheon of persona characters

stories and characters resonate with people for different reasons and in different times of their lives and I really understand yukaris pov in this one she's just trying so hard to convince herself that she absolutely overcame her grief even though as soon as the possibility presents itself for the loss to come back she's gonna do everything in her power to accomplish that . humans have a lot of ugly feelings and while you can try to suppress them in situations of great stress or when the things you value are at stake they're gonna vomit the worst onto others to get what they want

yeah she's a bitch in this epilogue and so what if you had the ability to make someone you care about come back and had other people just move on without looking back would you actually have the tenacity to do so ? think about that and then conclude your opinion on the answers yukari

or maybe im reading too much into this and she's actually just a fucking bitch but who am I to judge she's still hot as shit !!!!!

that being said the final stretch of the game is insanely good a huge part of me is trying to stop myself to say this but I want to be fucked by the final boss im sorryyyyyyyyyyy bestiality kink shamers look away I also wanted to fuck a lot of colossi in shadow of the colossus so I'm too far from God already

goated storyline goated ending I would rather watch cutscenes online than actually playing this again and I advice for all of you to just watch that 2hr and a half cutscene compilation instead of playing this because everybody who said this is bad is right but I'm too in love with p3 to shit on in so seethe and cope

door kun memes are funny sometimes

im hanging out with a guy lately went on some dates we got some interests in common hes funny and hes super cute and i guess im slowly and steadily falling in love with him

i got this thing when i meet new people that i need to fucking read/play/watch whatever they like because im always interested to see what their tastes are and shit like that so when he told me he liked scott pilgrim i opened the volumes at 9 am and at 5 pm i finished the entirety of the series dont call me a simp already 3 friends called me that im fine with it

so scott pilgrim in itself is a great graphic novel the characters are fun the artstyle is charming the events and story are even funnier and i had a good time with it so no complaints im not a huge graphic novel/western comic fan so it was a surprise how much i enjoyed it

yknow what it felt like a time capsule from a time long gone like some of those cartoons in the 2000s or early 2010s its that kind of vibe i have never consumed any type of scott pilgrim media but i was actually filled with nostalgia idk dont quote me on that tho

long story short scott likes a girl and this girl got some 7 evil exes that want to kill him or whatever so he gotta beat all of them up to get the girl of his dreams

ramona is a great character but i ended up loving knives or wallace and in particular stills way better than the main duo (im a stills kin i got him as a telegram pfp for the moment im that devoted)

so yeah the main story stuff is about that now since i wanted to thoroughly be finished with scott pilgrim i wanted to play this game

DISCLAIMER: i played like 5 beat em ups until now all street of rage games and shredders revenge so my opinion on beat em up is scarce at best for now dont listen to me

its kinda a textbook beat em up with different characters and a coop mode that i didnt have the pleasure to try because i got no friends so all in all i enjoyed my time with it even tho the controls are kinda stiff and having to unlock some basic beat em up moves is kind of a pain and also it absolutely baffled me how hard it was and then i found out that shops existed so i just boosted strength in wallaces shop and i would beat everyones asses frfr

bosses were also p great for this games standars and todd is still the hottest one of the bunch

played as stills ofc and a little bit as scott i didnt try the other characters because i was kinda done with the game already lets be real

gameplay wise thats basically it its a beat em up what do you want me to say the art style is super cute pixelated and trying to convey scott pilgrims style into a videogame and they kinda managed to

ost was particularly great so cant complain on that

my honest criticism apart from the gameplay stuff is that i wanted some more callbacks or easter eggs or like story stuff interactions between character it was very bare bones like you get a character beat every single ramonas ex like in the main story and thats basically it theres some super superficial interactions here and there that you wouldnt even understand if you didnt read the comic but apart from that its made entirely for scott pilgrims fans which is both good and kinda a shame i wanted them to push the game a little further

also i have no idea what this version adds or refines from the base game but i didnt see that many differences to be honest so maybe someone will explain it to me here

not a bad game but its appealing mainly just for scott pilgrims fanbase

so yeah

you might be asking yourself “falco umhhhhh that's not … that's not a 4.5 game right there” ok and you know what shut the fuck up I'm the only one with the universal jurisdiction to say if a game should deserve this high a praise and i can tell you with absolute honesty that ive never had such an experience in gaming industry that stimulated every single sense of my body and brain in more than one way possible and just for that this deserves to be in the top of everything i love about videogames fun gameplay lovely art and music and gay sex cue the usual disclaimer

ALERT THIS IS A GAY PORN GAME ! which means I will be talking about my private time experiences with the material and the licentious content of this game that might hurt your over religious conservative puritan homophobic beliefs or maybe you just dont want to read about what turns me on and I don't fucking care you've been advised

paradiso guardian was a project that i saw roaming around during the last years and i was pretty sure nothing wouldve come out of it i thought it was just a cute experiment that would never see the light of day well im happy to say that team level something released this gem of a game just so that i would look like a fool and also jerk off

those who know me in the audience are well aware that symphony of the night is one of my favorite games ever created in this world absolutely such an incredible work of art that i will never get tired of playing and replaying literally it has everything a masterpiece has to offer and also boom sexy alucard

so then bussy guardian follows closely the example of the greatest blueprint of the metroidvania genre and aims to create a tribute for symphony of the night that could rival to one of the most influential games ever created and im glad to say that they came damn close and when you think about it without the gay porn stuff paradiso guardian is an incredibly novel concept all the aspects in this game are brimming with professionality and im glad it came out as good as it did

lead twunk lenga is a colorful angel residing in heaven which is actually getting ravished by loads and loads of demons and penetrated until the seams start to fall apart im still talking about heaven not about lenga keep up SO the guy being a sweet little guardian angel goes on a mission to actually track down the culprit of the invasion that is destroying the paradiso and to fuck him up . pretty simple but a good enough setup for whats to cum

as i was saying this is heavily inspired by sotn and i was definitely not expecting for the developers to not only follow closely almost every single element of castlevanias masterpiece but also actually managed to create an experience that feels almost if not identical to the former for starters lenga albeit quite stiffer than the blonde vampire but its still such a joy to move around and while theres not as many movement options its still pretty fun to run around the “castle” in this case

gameplay wise this is also pretty similar and competent you got the usual equipments and items with different battle styles then you got the usual skills but with a twist because you dont have to use fucking fighting games combos to activate (dont @ me i love those in sotn but im glad they didnt put it here even though theres a scroll that can activate those kind of skills but im too poor to buy it sorryyyyyyyyyyy) and some summons it's pretty varied I gotta say even If obviously derivative but it IS a tribute game

I genuinely didn't think this could be that good because since this is an hybrid porn game i 100% thought the metroidvania aspect was gonna be half jank but its so fucking GOOD for no absolute reason every single place of the castle is full of interesting monster designs some bomb ass segments a fluid gameflow and the slowmo duck ability was goated I had a lot of fun even though the game isn't that long most of it I actually completed in mayyyyyybe 5 hours ??? theres a lot of stuff to discover battle tactics to use get lost in the castle again and again and again basically every single metroidvania element is present and thriving and im here for it

for a good chunk of the game I was so impressed that they managed to recreate the sotn feeling not only in the gameplay department but also the art style which is literally so close to the sotn one it could be a dlc from that game every single sprite is moving so flawlessly monsters backgrounds castle pieces bosses everything has such a good fucking spritework that is just a joy to witness and in general I did not think the whole castle could be characterised so well even though theres like 4 different areas it's absolutely insane godlike work

and for some reason the music is also pretty grand AND emulating the neoclassic darkwave or whatever the fuck the name of sotn music genre is and BRIMMING with details it sounds like a fucking live orchestra and thats something I felt last time only in castlevania it's insane the lengths this team went to get to the players the tribute they wanted and there's a lot of different tunes that are ALL . SO . FUCKING . GOOD and my absolute favorite one of the bunch is of course club moment

do you know when that plays . exactly when lenga is getting FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED

so let's talk about the MEAT of the game right now I tried to be as safe for work as possible for straightos stumbling here but that is no more

during lengas ascent in heaven to find and fuck the big bad up theres gonna be a lot of different people trying to get in lengas way which could be some friends trying to stop him from doing something dangerous of full on enemies and what happens is that lenga is a fucking nymphomaniac and every single boss beaten is gonna get a damn huge crush on him and fucking him up as they should

so what happens is you get into a boss battle you beat the boss and lenga proceeds to slurp their meat up until they cum and go back to the headquarters of paradiso waiting for another chance to get a 1 on 1 with lenga

at this point you can get into the headquarters and offer the different men some gifts so that you're gonna strengthen their bond until you unlock some difficult challenges to replay the boss battles

want to know what happens after you beat these battles ??? that's right you get a special skill im joking yes you get a special skill but you also get a damn good fucking back to back to back

so I'll be direct I beat my meat off at least 50 times on these cgs my dick started aching after a while because I would just be beating it all the fucking time I'm not joking these CGs are incredible the different character portraits are already a damn joy to look at every single character is hunky as shit super sexy and has so much beef that would fill an entire butchery but the SEX SCEEEEENEEEES OOOOOOH THE SEX SCENES are some of the best I've ever had the pleasure to masterbate to

for starters the voice acting of this game is absolutely unbelievable every single character is not only thriving with personality but the sex scenes have so much moaning and gasping and dirty words that I ended up cumming in like 10 seconds every time absolutely insane AND the artist has a damn good understanding of what makes anime CGs so exotic theres a lot of different positions and camera angles incredible situations and masterful pornographic writing I bet every single gay guy or gay porn connoisseur would just be thriving with this game I'm not joking

so there's 4 different main guys in the pool floody is the childhood friend archetype big beefy guy cannon in hand another cannon in his pants has a really great perverted bottom / shy top dynamic with lenga and while not my favorite guy of the bunch I probably ended up enjoying his CGs set the most (probably because he's always on the giving side and I love seeing lenga take a huge fat cock and moaning maybe im biased) and in general floody is so fucking hot definitely a good time then you have the oni prince shuten who instead has the “I want him as my wife” simp dynamic which I'm not usually a huge fan of but he's pretty hot to begin with so there's a lot to love in his sets and seeing lenga actually switch was a fun time then you got vitos who instead is a demon that ends up eating lenga inside out he's also pretty great not my favorite CG set of the bunch but he's pretty hot and for that I gotta respect him and anD AND THEN MY FAVORITE BOO RADIAN UGHHHHHH so if you know me irl you know im a huge fan of daddies and radian is absolutely . fucking . hot plus the dad x son (NOT RELATED BY BLOOD !!!) dynamic here makes me so fucking horny you guys won't believe what was going through my mind during those scenes anyway again this is not my favorite CG set of the bunch but radian is the hottest guy in the entire game and the last scene with him was probably my most fapped to of the bunch so so so so gorgeous

that to say if you want a lot of jerking off material you're looking at the perfect game

now you would think lenga would stop here but he goes to the extent to fucking or get fucked by not only guest bosses that can be summoned but also the god of thunder which is among my favorite scenes of the game literally replayed also this one so many times you couldve donated 50 gallons of sperm im not joking here absolutely hot hottie hottest hunk of a thunder deity I want to be dominated by him if it's the last thing I do in this life and lenga also goes to the extend of doing a SPOILER huge fucking orgy with the entire cast AND the final boss ??? (who's also a snack unfortunately you only get one scene with him)

I love this lewd angel with my entire being I relate to him I wouldve done the same with so many hunks around me

so anyway I lost the point what did I want to say oh yeah this game is incredible absolutely fucking jawdropping I love a game that makes me stress on boss battles and makes me relieve that stress after the boss battles hand free incredible what other games does that ???

this is not a perfect game and it doesn't deserve the 4.5 rating but I'm literally the target audience for this game so if I'm not the one giving this a bloated rating who is gonna do that if even a single person reading this is gonna jerk off to this game think about me while you do that I'm gonna grow more powerful

so there's that thank you for reading another infodump about my sexual experiences foe whoevers interested I got the save files with everything unlocked and 100%ed so that you can instantly look at the gallery and jerk off im not gonna delete the game files until I'm tired of doing onanism on these CGs so yeah

umhhhhhh the end I guess see you at the next gay porn game probably coming out on top because I'm playing that rn

a short review

masterful use of spare time by flying over a deserted island in fucking nowhere

a short hike is a game that i played a lot of time ago and forgot to review because im dumb as shit but i just wanted to play it again for how cozy comfy and short it is and here i am

being one of those games in the vein of TOEM i was absolutely dumbfounded at how relaxing this game is (take notes unpacking or whatever that shit was called) just going around this lonely little piece of land getting to know its inhabitants and all their quirks and traits while the gentle summer breeze passes by and the sun shines bright in the sky just losing yourself into this small but incredibly alive world to such an extent that after a couple playthrough you can just speedrun through the game for how restrained the whole experience is

youre a furry bird on a vacation with her furry bird aunt just camping in this beautiful place and youre left with no other choice then exploring the surrounding since the cellphone got zero internet and in the meanwhile you will find so many different people who will give you some side quests here and there and with only the main objective or reaching the peak of the mountain but you can actually take your time and enjoy the view and just walking around the place to see what the others are up to and what the scenery is like

the art style of this game is incredibly tight its definitely on the cartoony side and the whole game is done in a pixelated fashion (you can actually turn that shit off but i liked the mid pixel setting to be the most interesting for me) and the town and characters have these super saturated models that just scream summertime on the shore and thats such a fucking vibe

ideally the gameplay should be devoid of any kind of depth but exploring is the main focus of the game just chilling out in this small diorama of an island like its a snowglobe and just interacting with people finding treasures here and there and slowly ascending to the mountain

to do that as the protagonist is a bird youre gonna use your wings to fly around but thats not enough you will be required to find golden feathers around for some double jumps and climbing power (a la breath of the wild) either by exploring or doing side quests here and there and you can take your time with it and youre not obliged to take them all nor the game exploits you in doing so you get as many as you want and try to climb the mountain on your own see what awaits you there and conquer the summit

the finale made me also think about TOEM as in youre just you yourself and a natural phenomenon that looks insanely chaotic and calm at the same time like the final hours in outer wilds or majoras mask and then you realise that the entire thing was worth it even for the journey alone of idling under the sun and breathing the environment in and youre left with an emotional convo that really is the cherry on top of the entire experience sure its a bit wild that you can get 5G on top of a mountain but who am i to judge

a short hike comes and goes too fast for my own good i wouldve loved to have a longer and more expansive idea but maybe that wouldve ruined the entire premise of the game so im left with a warm and pleasant experience to revisit from time to time

everyone should play this game it just has some of the most peaceful and joyful atmosphere ive ever seen in any game maybe even more than kirby as a whole somehow this is something special that i will absolutely replay again some time in the future and i advice anyone whos interested in a super short experience that will stuck with you to play this one and if you do check it out what i can say is see you at the top

once upon a time I was marathoning zelda then something absolutely terrible happened… I forgor

so I came back to the original plan and decided to play this gem love this game absolutely an incredible experience in the franchise now if only twilight princess and like 10 others weren't real this couldve been a great contender for the best zelda ever apart from some shit game design decisions if i have a saying in this

ive tried to play this game like 10 times and for some reason I always ended up getting my saves wiped I literally have no idea what's up with me and some games that keep on deleting their save files on me like it's happened roughly 30 times with TITS and I still cannot go back to it because im so damn scared which is a real issue since I want to play trails from zero / azure whatever their name is

for as much as I'm aware l between twilight princess and this one its probably a good opinion to say that this is definitely the fan favorite one of the bunch and also with a big margin . lich rally shook the gamecubes scrawny ass when this released im not gonna lie

so the legend of zelda black flag takes a huge detour from what came before which was umhhhhh ????? ok anyway taking a huge detour from ocarina and majora this new “timeline” (zelda timeline are dumb don't talk to me) sees the hero of wind living in a world completely surrounded by water LITERALLY 90% of the map is panthalassa I have no idea how this people can live a life of their own this way but it could be islandophobic of me to say that

the main little incipit is probably the sweetest part of the game you get to know your sister and your granny some of the other townspeople that count to like 5 people total and living that sweet sweet isolated life until a bitch gets abducted by a giant bird and then you follow her and then you save her and then she's a girl called dazel which is a very suspicious name and then you make friends with her crew and then she says bye hoe I'm a pirate and I love scissoring and then link decides to follow her for some reason which could or could not be related to your sis being suddenly abducted by the sexy lord of dark ganondorf but im not particularly sure because I was too fucking occupied with the first dungeon which was also a STEALTH . FUCKING . DUNGEON who the FUCK decides to open a game with a stealth segment you have to be kidding me im still trying to get accustomed to the controls here and you push me into a this mess youre joking who's the director I wanna talk with the director

this is the premise the end along the way youre gonna meet a talking boat who could or could not be a daddy and get acquainted to the most wonderful part of the game: sailing !!!!! I don't like it

I mean its not that I don't liiiiiike it and they actually make a huge effort in the HD re release to make me like it MORE since theres a “fast travel” option which doesn't necessarily mean I'm actually gonna enjoy the ride BUT at least I don't have to think about where the fucking wind is blowing and its like 2 times the normal speed so I can work with that , my issue will probably fall in the realm of the mmmmm too adhd inducing for me like most of the time when you're sailing youre just gonna sit there and do nothing sometimes the game spices it up putting an enemy in the water which only makes me more keen to just leave him there and change direction who the fuck likes boat battles who the fuck likes BOATS and the sea is mostly empty apart from like a island each square which doesn't amount to much if you ask me but this is me nitpicking because it gets way more tiring later

I gotta say windfall island is possibly my favorite part of the game because its just so comfy there's a lot of stuff to so and it's one of 3 islands that actually have some people living in it I wanna see the birth rates of this population because was its gonna be a blast and here you're ACTUALLY gonna get into the groove of the game with the opened map the unending sea the dread of your sister getting @;£#ed by ganondorf and the envy because you want that to be you and for the most part it develops as a normal the legend of zelda experience minus the sea

most of the dungeons are fine the forest dungeon is fine and the rito dungeon is fine they are both fine I gotta say the fucking vibes are unmatched though literally jawdropping atmosphere in both and the items are pretty good for the most part I don't particularly enjoy using the little magic wand THAT much but they actually managed to recreate the feeling I had with the ocarina pretty closely even though the ocarina is way way way better

the story actually flows pretty fine and the actual narrative is always just hidden by these dungeon to dungeon little segments that add a lot to the lore of the game and the general vibe they were going for it is really superficial level nothing too grand but for a zelda game targeted for minors it's as good as it can get probably my only issue is that they rely too much on the ocarina of time linking lore while the main story beats are pretty straightforward which isnt an issue per se but I definitely wanted sumn more for the story apart from the inevitable link to the previous greatest game in the canon

i do really believe that the land gameplay is probably one of the greatest in the series toon link has this really wobbly but firm feel to it that it just feels really good to play as and when you add the fact that the combat is super satisfying and the items are all pretty great you get one of the most complete games for sure what really made me regret this whole idea is that the sea gameplay is abysmal im not a huge fan of boats in gaming in general so that probably hindered my enjoyment by a damn lot that being said the heart pieces are treated like shit in this one literally could not believe they went from the incredible reward of majoras mask to just treasure hunting which is definitely in tune with the whole pirate vibe but cmon is little challenge room across the map the best you can do and what's really weird is that I didnt really mind the sailing until SUDDENLY the game asked me to get 8 triforce pieces around the map and at that point I just wanted to kms

in a way the post-hyrule arc is my least favourite part of the game because you get 2 more dungeons that have a bomb gimmick of controlling your partner(s) to solve puzzle but its SUCH . A . SLOG they're not really that bad but going back and forth from links and the partners consciousness really killed my flow and I Don't think the dungeons were designed as well as the earlier ones in the game but the real issue is that youre gonna get to TRAVEL . ACROSS THE LAND . TO GET TRIFORCE PIECES girlie ion honestly sailing was fine for me until then but going over and over again around the same hollow map gets tiring after a whole ESPECIALLY when you have no idea where the fuck these pieces are and also in the GC og version was worse so I wouldve defo NEVER finished this game in the original rest assured

as a concept its not really that bad because again its thematically and mechanically in line with the whole premise but the execution is just a slog to go through FORTUNATELY THO the last dungeon was a great payoff not my fav one but it was good better than other last dungeons in the series that's for sure and the final boss was pretty fucking weird if I gotta say so myself

oh and the music is goated as always TLOZ just can't miss yknow thats what it is ughhhhhh am I missing something here oh yeah the zelda here isn't my favorite zelda in the series neither is ganondorf and the rito look like shit im so glad they entirely furry fied them later in the series as they shouldve

masterpiece with a lot of questionable design decision but still manages to be another fucking BOP in this series of absolutely unbelievable games thank you everybody next time its probably gonna be skyward sword let's see what's popping